The Return
by Love the Brightest Star
Summary: What can a person who knows the future do to correct it? As she dies, Tris gets another chance to mend things, to go back and save the world and the people she loves. Can she do it? Will innocent lives be saved, or will Tris crumble under the responsibility thrust upon her?
1. A Second Chance

**Hey! Here's my second Divergent fic, a mutltichapter too. Hope you like it.**

 **Just for warnings, updates maybe really slow, as I have my exams nearby, and can hardly write. But please don't give up on it.**

 **Please R & R!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent, and any dialogue you recognize here.**

* * *

The last thing I hear is a gunshot, and the last thing I feel is pain. My vision goes dark at the edges, and I know that this is over. The string's pull is heavier than ever, calling me to sleep.

And then I see my mother. She looks exactly as I saw her when she died — Abnegation grey, dull blonde hair, and arms bare, showing the tattoos.

"Hello, Beatrice," she says. Her eyes are bright.

"Am I done yet?" I ask, wondering if I am only imagining this, if I am even saying the words for real.

"Yes," she says, and tears sparkle in her eyes. "My dear child, you have done so well."

"What about the others?" I ask, choking as I imagine Tobias' face. "Tobias, Caleb, my friends?"

"They'll take care of each other," she says. And then pauses, her head tilted just a little to the side. She seems to want to say more.

"There's a but, isn't it?" I ask. I wonder what it is that I hear in my voice, hope that I can, by some chance, still be with them, or trepidation, that I don't want to hear what it is, that I don't want to stand up to any more challenges, that my body just wants to sleep.

"Yes. Yes there is, you clever girl," she laughs tearfully. "But only if you want there to be."

I only stare at her questioningly, unable to voice my confusion. I feel too weak.

"You can have one more chance," she says. "One more chance to go back and solve all this. Or you can come to me, and rest forever."

I freeze. A choice. I look at my mother, and see her loving face, and the temptation to rest feels stronger than ever. All these years of fighting and searching for a home... do I even want this anymore? But then I see Tobias' face, and hear his voice, _"To wake up and realise that you were... gone..._ " and I understand that there really is no choice at all.

"I want to go back," I say, or rather, hear myself say, but I know that this is what I want. Tears fill my mother's eyes, but her smile widens.

"I knew you would choose this," she whispers. "Well done."

And she closes the distance between us and presses her lips to my forehead.

"I love you," she says. "Be brave, Beatrice."

And before I have a chance to speak, everything around me turns white. And then black.

* * *

I wake to the feeling of cold blades at the back of my neck. I jerk violently, making the scissors clatter to the floor.

"Beatrice," someone gently reprimands from behind me. "What is it? I nearly sheared the side of your head off!"

But I don't pay any attention to the words, because all I can think of is the voice. I swivel in my seat.

It's my mother.

She looks so different from the last time I saw her. Her grey dress covers the entirety of her body, even her arms , which I now know are covered in tattoos. Her hair is neatly tied in a braid at the back of her head. And there are no bullet wounds upon her.

For a long moment I stare at her, and then, before I know it, I have launched myself in her arms, and am holding on to her tightly. She is solid. She smells of soap, and a little flowery fragrance, a smell I have come to associate since childhood with safety. My mother is alive. She is here. I choke back the tears that bubble up with difficulty as I bury my face into her shoulder.

I am back. Maybe this is a world where everything is fixed, where those I love aren't dead.

But my mother stiffens ever so slightly in my arms, and I back away. What is it?

"Are you alright, Beatrice?" she asks, her expression worried.

"Y-yes, mom," I work on keeping my voice steady, and sit back down. " I — just, I love you. So much."

She nods, her eyes softening. "I love you too," she says. I eye the scissors in her hand.

"I'll let you do your work."

I sit obediently, hearing the snip-snip of the scissors and relishing the feeling of her hand on my head as she holds me in place. As I sit, impulsively, my eyes stray to the mirror, and I stare.

I look nothing like I expected. My eyes and nose are still too big for my face, and my hair is still the same blonde, but everything else... I seem smaller. Younger. More vulnerable. My body has curves, not the taut muscles I was used to. And there is no tattoo on my collarbone. Well, I wouldn't know if there is one, because I am covered till neck up in Abnegation grey. And my hair is long, falling past my shoulders to my back where my mother trims it.

I stare at the mirror, unable to shift my gaze, and my mother's eyes meet those of the round, shocked ones of my reflection. She looks curious. Seconds tick away as I just stare, and a frown creases her forehead. I finally look away, trying to comprehend what this means.

 _One more chance to go back_ , Mom had said when I was dying. But she didn't just mean going back to life. She was referring to going back _in time_.

This is the past. Which explains why I am in my house, why my mother is still alive, and why I am wearing grey.

 _When is this?_ I wonder to myself. _When was the last time Mom cut my hair?_

My brain provides the answer quickly enough. _The day before the Choosing Ceremony_.

Oh God.

I sit silently as she works. She pins my hair in place when she is done.

"There," she says, and pauses a little. "So today is the day."

That confirms my idea of what the day is.

"Yes," I reply automatically.

"Are you nervous?"

I don't reply immediately, lost in thought. For the aptitude test? No, I am not. I already know what is coming, and what it means. But for everything else, yes. More than I even thought I could be. Somewhere out there, there are my friends. Christina. Will. Uriah. _Tobias_. And even beyond, there are so many other things. The whole wide world, much bigger than what I once thought it was.

"No," I reply, truthful at least to the context. What had I said this time, back then? Ah, yes. "The tests don't have to change our choices."

But they do. They do. They did mine. Or maybe they didn't. I don't know. Because in the end, it was apparently down to GDs and GPs.

"Right." She smiles. "Let's go eat breakfast."

After all this time in Dauntless, I have practically forgotten to be Abnegation. "Thank you," I say still. It comes naturally. In the past, I had thanked her for just cutting hair, but now it's for so much more — saving my life, being so brave and selfless. As I walk into the kitchen with her, I silently pledge to not let her die this time.

Looking at my dad makes a lump form at my throat. But this time, I know better than to hug him outright, so I savor the sensation as he strokes my hair at the table. Whatever my differences with my father had been, I still love him. He is still on the second on my 'to save' list that I've been forming in my head. The peace and calm at the dining table is something I have missed so badly. Dauntless has been my home, but this is my home, too. It will be, forever.

* * *

Once we board the bus, I know there is no way of avoiding Caleb anymore. Every time I look at him, I can't help get the bitter taste of betrayal in my mouth. I didn't talk to him today as of yet, not knowing if I could control my responses, but I will have to, soon.

 _He is your brother_ , I tell myself. _He got ready to die to get over the guilt. And he loves you_. And I know that I love him too. I gave up my life for him. I forgave him then. Will I still hold on to the grudge, for a crime he hasn't even committed yet?

But will he? Will it be the same this time, him being a suck-up to Jeanine Matthews, betraying his family and ex-faction? That is another thing I hope to change, somehow.

I stare at Caleb now as his eyes travel around every person in the bus. Earlier, I had thought this to be his efforts at forgetting himself, but now I know that it is only observation, an Erudite quality, if I still refer by the factions. Anger rises once again like a striking snake in my heart, but I force myself to calm down. This is a fresh start. I will not bias my judgment with old grudges.

So instead of staring at the scenes that I have already seen once, and thinking of a test which I know all too well, I think of the events I need to change. First of all, there is the Erudite simulation attack. I must stop it at all costs. But at its heels comes the fear — what will stopping it lead to? One event leads to the other, forming a chain. Breaking a link off the chain can lead to the change in the entire pattern altogether.

My head is still spinning with worries when we reach school. The worst is being the only one to know the future; I can't possibly tell anyone. This is a secret worse and more dangerous than being Divergent; that hardly bothers me any longer, except making me more wary to guard my secret. The expectations are also high; I cannot wait to see Christina and Uriah and Tobias once again.

"Beatrice?" I turn to see Caleb at my side. His green eyes are bright and his expression one of concern.

"Yes?" I ask, keeping my voice leveled. He takes my arm as I walk into the building.

"Are you okay? You have been very focused on something throughout."

"Aptitude tests today," I give as an excuse. Thankfully, he nods, buying it. "You aren't at all worried about what they'll tell you?" I ask conversationally. I know the answer, of course. While I had been worrying my brains through, his decision had been made years ago.

"Are you?" He raises an eyebrow, avoiding the question.

"No," I smile. I am not, not this time.

* * *

The crowd of students jostle around, the day of the Aptitude Tests causing somewhat of a mania in the atmosphere. Students push me around, the grey colour of my attire inviting their disdain. My temper becomes shorter and harder to keep as I walk, shoved and yelled past. As I make my way to Faction History, an Erudite boy pushes me.

"Out of my way, Stiff!" he snaps. I stumble, but my feet stay on the ground, all the habits in Dauntless keeping me steady. My fuse blows. Before I know it, my fist collides with his jaw, causing him to fall to the floor.

"Maybe you should see where you are going first," I retort, my face hot with anger. The boy stares at me, his mouth open, rubbing his jaw, where a bruise is showing. All around me in the corridor, people are standing and staring at me like I have grown a second head. I duck my head, blushing, and move on.

As Christina would have put it, my Dauntless is showing. _Control, Tris_ , I chastise myself. _Act like Abnegation at least till the Choosing._

I look out of the window as the Dauntless jump out of the train. The sight sings out to me, calling me to join them, and I resist with difficulty. _Soon_ , I tell myself. _Soon_.

The classes go in a blur as I sit through them without following anything, waiting for the Tests. And finally it is time. I walk to the cafeteria where we are supposed to wait, my head cool and clear and my heartbeat steady, unlike last time, when I was suffering from a bad case of sweaty palms.

I sit with Susan and Caleb at the assigned table. But my eyes drift to the other tables. At a nearby table, I spot Uriah and Marlene, laughing and playing cards, and my lips twitch up in a fond smile. In the Candor table, my eyes find Drew sitting among the others. I wonder where the other two are — Peter and Molly.

All the other tables make some level of noise — the Amity and the Dauntless with their games, and the Candor and Erudite with their debates. The silence and stillness of the Abnegation feels disconcerting to me now, after being used to the rowdy fun of Dauntless. The urge to leave becomes stronger than ever. I resist the urge to break the silence with some joke, or even by tapping my feet. _Selfless,_ I remind myself. _Forget yourself._ It feels strange to restrain myself after being free, uninhibited, for so long.

One by one, the candidates are called up. I see Susan purse her lips, her left eye twitching — a sign of nervousness. But my mind remains unburdened. It's just a repeat of what has been. I know what to expect.

But as I sit waiting for my name to be called for the test, the cogwheels of my brain keep turning. When my test results came inconclusive, Tori had to go through a lot of trouble to hide it. It had also caused Jeanine to suspect what I was. So now that I know, should I try to fake a result? Have the tests give me Dauntless, or if not, at least only one faction instead of three? Can I do it?

Caleb's name is called, and I stare at his back as he leaves. I already know where he is going, even if he might not. What a good actor he was.

When Caleb returns, his face is chalk-white. I wonder what his Aptitude Test revealed to make him so nervous. He had never told me.

My thoughts, centering Caleb's results and my own dilemma about my upcoming actions in the simulation are broken as Susan and I are called up. I thought I was calm, but now my palms start sweating. I haven't made a decision about what I should do yet.

I walk into the room where I had last time, room 6, where Tori's slanted eyes and black blazer greet me. As our eyes meet, I am momentarily transported to the Fence, Tori's bloodied body under my fingertips, so still, dead. She was so close to her brother, even though she did not know it. Forcefully, I wrench myself back to the reality. No good thinking about things that haven't happened yet. _Think about the present. Think about now._

"No need to be afraid," Tori smiles at me kindly enough, evidently misinterpreting my horror at the vision for nervousness. "It doesn't hurt."

I feel beads of sweat cling to my forehead. _Tori's alive. Focus on that._

I sit down in the chair, the likes of which I have seen so many times, and remain silent as Tori speaks. I don't bother asking about the tattoo on her. I know about that already.

Tori connects the electrodes and passes me the vial of the simulation serum. I drink it without questioning. My eyes close.

I open my eyes, and there I am, in the empty school cafeteria again. On the table in front of me are two baskets. In one is the hunk of cheese, and in the other, the knife.

Behind me, a woman's voice says, "Choose." Jeanine.

I think about my choices. Cheese indicates Amity, maybe even Abnegation. If I want Dauntless, I'll need the knife. Against my better judgment, I pick it up.

The baskets disappear. I hear a door squeak and turn to see the dog standing behind me, its hackles raised and teeth bared. It crouches low and creeps towards me, and a growl gurgles from deep in its throat. I clutch the knife more tightly in my hand. This is simple. I know what to do.

But as I look at the dog, the images flash in my mind — its nose, digging against me, its wet tongue, licking. It is innocent. If I kill it, I'll be killing an innocent creature. And then the images flicker, one after the other — Will's vacant eyes as I point the gun, the Abnegation leader, held at gunpoint. People, innocent people, falling under my gun. Uriah, crumpled on the floor. My mother. My father. I can't do it. I have seen too many innocent people die. I have _killed_ too many. I can't do it.

The knife slips from my hand and falls to the floor.

I sink to the ground on my knife, eyes downcast, waiting for the animal to come. It crouches over to me, and sniffs at the knife suspiciously. A couple of seconds pass, my heart hammering. And then it is all how it went last time — a wet tongue touches my cheek. I can't help it; a laugh bubbles up from within me. And I am so glad I didn't kill it.

I blink, and when my eyes open, a child stands across the room wearing a white dress. She stretches out both hands and squeals, "Puppy!" As she runs toward the dog at my side, the dog turns, and makes its way towards her, snarling and barking. This time I don't even have to think; I leap, and wrap my arms around the dog's neck. One second I am grasping the warm, rough fur, and the next, I hit the floor, my arms empty. The first simulation is over.

The second one, the bus scene, is easy. I lie even more easily than the last time. My heart rate doesn't even pick up. And then I blink, and I am back in the chair.

Tori is frowning at me. _Uh, oh,_ I think.

"That was perplexing," she says as she pulls the wires from my head. "I'll be right back."

So it was no use. I'll still be called Divergent. I couldn't do it; I couldn't fake my test. But I don't feel too bad; I am glad I didn't kill the dog. I don't want to kill anyone unless it is necessary.

Tori re-enters the room.

"Sorry to worry you," she says. But am I mistaken, or is the tension on her face less this time? "Beatrice, your test results were inconclusive."

Oh. Again.

"Typically, each stage of the simulation eliminates one or more of the factions, but in your case, only two have been ruled out."

"Two?" I ask, hoping that my acting is believable.

Tori nods.

"Your tendency towards Dauntless was shown when you picked up the knife. But then it became unconfirmed when you refused to kill the dog. The bus simulation ruled out Candor, and that you didn't pick the cheese ruled out Amity. But you show aptitude for Dauntless, Erudite and Abnegation." Her voice lowers to a whisper. "The people who get this kind of result are called _Divergent_."

I really hope my shock looks real, because I don't feel any. I knew this was to happen. I was just hoping to avoid detection.

"Beatrice," Tori says, "under no circumstances should you share that information with anyone. This is very important."

"We aren't supposed to share our results." I nod, acting innocent. "I know that."

"No." Tori kneels next to the chair now and places her arms on the armrest. "This is different. I don't mean you shouldn't share them now; I mean you should never share them with anyone, ever, no matter what happens. Divergence is extremely dangerous. You understand?"

I didn't then, but I do now. I nod. "Okay."

"I'd have to enter your results manually," Tori mutters almost to herself. "But..."

I blink. A but? There isn't supposed to be one.

"But your results can be disguised as Dauntless. There is a part of Dauntless manifesto which says —"

"'We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another,'" I say before I can stop myself. Tori nods, her eyebrows raised.

"Exactly. How do you know?"

I blush. A slip. "A friend told me." _A friend whom I killed. And who I am yet to meet_. I am not sure I have the courage to see him again.

"Yes. Even though the Dauntless don't quite seem to follow it anymore, it will work. You refused to kill an innocent, but your picking up the knife is definitely Dauntless." She nods to herself. "Yes, that will do."

I feel my heart swell. This is what I was hoping for. Jeanine suspected the truth about me because my test results were manually entered. Now she won't know. Besides, I already have a confidant in Tori, who knows I am Divergent.

"I suggest," Tori continues, "that you go home. You have a lot of thinking to do, and waiting with the others may not benefit you."

"I have to tell my brother where I'm going," I say dutifully.

"I'l let him know."

I nod and step towards the door. "And Beatrice?" Tori calls after me. "If you ever need to tell someone the results, say Dauntless."

I nod again. Tori's worried expression melts into a smile.

"And maybe if I guess rightly about your decision," she says, "welcome to Dauntless."

* * *

 **So what do you think about it? What will Tris do to correct things? Will the things remain the same, even?**

 **Until next time!**


	2. New Beginnings

**And the second chapter's up! I can't believe I managed it so fast. (Just for you, guys).**

 **Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited and followed this story. Your support is my greatest motivation.**

 **Just to clear any confusion, Tris thinks of everything that happened to her (the Divergent series canon that is) as her past, and refers to it as 'the first time' or 'last time'. Hope this helps!**

 **Enjoy! Please review!**

* * *

I walk out of the school, my decisions automatic, already based on the past, or the other reality, as I like to think of it. Because there is no way I am going to let this go the way things had there. I will have to save them, my friends, my family. I rub my forehead in frustration; my head with burst if I keep thinking so hard.

My route leads me to the factionless sector. The city here is broken and dilapidated, at least to the eye. I know that the factionless are well organized in reality, as opposed to what I was taught.

I see the factionless man at a corner, standing in tattered robes and sagging skin. Our eyes meet.

"Excuse me," he says. "Do you have something I can eat?"

I do; just like last time, my parents packed food in my bag to be given to those in need. But I know what is about to happen, I can walk away if I want. But I don't. Perhaps it's the Dauntless pride working more than anything else, this time. I extend my hand, offering him a bag of dried apple slices. He grabs my hand and leers at me.

"My, don't you have pretty eyes," he says. "It's a shame the rest of you is so plain." My heart pounds a little, I can't help it. _Calm down_ , I tell myself.

"Let me go," I say evenly, and tug at his grip. He doesn't relent.

"Do you know Evelyn Eaton?" The question is out of my mouth before I can stop myself. The man's grip slackens. His eyes dart around for a second.

"I do," he says slowly. "She gave me food and other things, once or twice." His eyes dart around like a hunted animal; it is all too easy to see that he is lying. I smirk internally.

"Do you know she is dead?" I keep up with the act.

"Ah, is she now?" His tongue darts out, wetting his chapped lips. "Never heard of it. Sorry to know." He looks at me carefully. "Why do you ask?"

"Nothing. Just feeling sorry for her boy, you know. Left by his mother at such a young age. Left at the mercy of his abusive father. I feel bad for him, that's all." And without giving him time to get a word from his gaping mouth, I walk away.

From what Tobias told me once, he already knows that his mother is alive. I don't know what I was trying to do with this, but I just want to convey the depth of Tobias' misery to Evelyn, because I know this will reach her. Or maybe this is my revenge of sorts to the woman I never came to like.

I just hope I didn't overplay my move.

-o0o-

I wait for Caleb at my doorstep, where I have reached five minutes before time.

"Beatrice!" Caleb says as he arrives with Susan and Robert. "What happened? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I reply. Susan is giving me a strange look. I shrug. "When the test was over, I got sick. Must have been that liquid they gave us. I feel better now, though." I try to smile convincingly. I'm sure it comes better than the last time around.

I watch as Susan and Caleb talk, and when they are done, we say our goodbyes and get in.

I manage to answer convincingly enough to Caleb's questioning. As my Mom speaks, I wish Tori hadn't sent me home. After all, my result was alright by appearance. But anyway, I don't pay much thought to it.

We all sit down to dinner.

"I had a difficult day at work," my father says to mother's query about his troubled expression. "Well, really, it was Marcus who had the difficult day. I shouldn't lay claim to it."

I scowl at my plate at the mention of Marcus' name. I hate how he has all the sympathy and respect of his faction.

"Is this about that report Jeanine Matthews released?" my mother says. This time, I don't speak. I don't need to.

"Yes," my father says. His eyes narrow. "Those arrogant, self-righteous—" He stops and clears his throat. "Sorry. But she released a report attacking Marcus's character."

 _Too right she did_ , I think viciously. For once, an Erudite report about the Abnegation is accurate. I don't speak, and wonder if my father will divulge anything more. Not that I need to know.

"It said," my father says on his own after a moment's pause, "that Marcus's violence and cruelty toward his son is the reason his son chose Dauntless instead of Abnegation."

"Cruel? Marcus?" My mother shakes her head. "That poor man. As if he needs to be reminded of his loss."

"Of his son's betrayal, you mean?" my father says coldly.

"Tobias didn't betray him," I say without thinking. I can't hear Tobias being spoken about like this; I can't stop myself. All the eyes at the table fall on me.

"Beatrice —" Caleb starts quietly. But I am on the go.

"Tobias did nothing wrong in transferring to Dauntless," I say, my anger spilling out.

"He left his father. His only family! He left the poor man alone!" my father snaps, defending his colleague.

"That's because Marcus is a sadist!" My voice rises to a scream.

"Beatrice!" My mother gasps, but I ignore her.

"Marcus abused Tobias from his childhood. He abused his wife too, enough to force her to run! He _tortured his own son_! Tobias — he just escaped —" I imagine Marcus in Tobias' fear landscape, branding his belt on him, his expression cold, I can see Tobias curling back, afraid. _This is for your own good_. My whole body shakes under the sadness and the anger; I blink back tears from my eyes.

"What is this?" My father asks, deadly quiet. "You have been associating with the Erudite? Have they brainwashed you?" Beside me, I see Caleb pale.

"This has nothing to do with the Erudite," I say quietly. "It's the truth."

"Beatrice," my mother's voice is soft but firm. "Apologize to your father." I look at her beseechingly. _Don't you know the truth? Why don't you tell them?_ But perhaps she really does not; her correspondence with David minimized over time.

"I am sorry that I lost my temper," I relent. But I do not apologize for saying the truth. "If you would please excuse me, may I leave the table?"

And not waiting for the answer, I rush upstairs to my bedroom, and drop down on the bed. Tears stain my pillow.

What am I doing? I can't go around spewing facts like this. My first day in a world whose future is in my hands, and I mess up like this. I bury my face deeper into the pillow.

 _Control, Tris. Keep control over yourself._

And with this thought, I fall asleep, with the faint strains of conversation from my family floating upstairs.

-o0o-

I take the bus with my family to reach the Hub the next morning. Caleb looks calm, but I know the thoughts brewing inside him. They would be in me too, but I don't let any speck of uncertainty cross my decision. Somehow, I feel guilty once again; it feels like I am deserting my family a second time.

 _But it won't be_ , I tell myself. _I am leaving to save them, not to abandon them_. The thought gives me strength.

Despite the outward calm in our demeanor, there is a palpable layer of tension between us four. It is because of my outburst, I realize. My nails dig into my palm as my heart tightens; this is guilt.

We have to climb twenty flights of stairs to reach our destination. I am mentally prepared for this, but it does not lessen the exhaustion; my body is not yet cut out for Dauntless. I surge inside the hall with the crowd as my father holds the door for everyone. I stare back at him until he disappears from view. An Abnegation through and through. Who'd say he was born an Erudite?

My parents reach us before sitting down in the assigned chairs. My father claps Caleb on the shoulder and says, "See you soon." Oh, how mistaken he is.

Then his eyes meet mine, and his smile slips. We stare at each other in uncomfortable silence. I shuffle my feet.

"Dad, I am sorry," I say finally, with complete sincerity. "I shouldn't have shouted yesterday. I got... carried away. I am really sorry." I don't want to admit I was wrong, but I don't want to leave my father after arguing with him.

His eyes soften, and he smiles. I relax. I love how his eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles. "It's okay, Beatrice," he says. "I suppose the best of us struggle with our tempers at times." He kisses my forehead, and I know I am forgiven.

My mother hugs me, and the image of her body crumpling to the ground flashes before me. I hold on to her even tighter.

"I love you," she says. "No matter what." She has probably guessed my next move. Oh, she always has been so perceptive, my mother.

"Look after Dad," I whisper so that only she can hear. "I love you, Mom."

Perhaps we both know what I am about to do. It sounds so much like a farewell already. _It's not the last time,_ I think to myself, blinking back tears. _You'll see her again_. So I hope.

And then they leave us to walk ahead, and I am left alone with my choice and my burden.

-o0o-

I tune out all of Marcus' speech as we stand, waiting. I don't want to hear anything said by that man unless absolutely necessary.

And then the names are called out, and the candidates leave for the center one by one. Caleb squeezes my hand so hard it hurts, and I squeeze his hand back. It feels good like this, allowing me to forget, at least for some time, what he has done, what he might do. We stand, holding on to each other until his name is called. I watch as Caleb walks forward, so very pale, and lets his blood drop over the already reddened water in the Erudite bowl. I hear the outraged cry of my father, but I don't feel anything. I don't even feel the sense of loss or betrayal. I just pray that I may sway him, make him into someone better than a suck-up Erudite, a traitor. Because whatever he might be, my brother is not a murderer.

Finally, it is my turn. I don't feel the nervousness, I don't feel the dilemma. I know where I am going. I know where I belong. I glance at Marcus as I take the knife from him, and for a moment, I am lost in those dreaming blue eyes, Tobias' eyes, which transport me to pleasant times. But then I force myself to break the gaze, and break the moment. I thrust my arm out, bringing the knife out.

 _Dauntless. Divergent_.

Pain simmers through my arm, and my blood falls on the burning coals. My breath hitches only a little. The coals sizzle at my offering, as if sending out a welcome message. I straighten, forcing myself not to look at my father sitting in the crowd. Handing the knife back, I walk over to the crowd of Dauntless, and stand behind the crowd of black-draped shoulders and tattoos.

It feels like home already. I am not afraid.

-o0o-

When the Choosing is over, the Dauntless initiates are the first to leave. As I pass the grey cloaked mass — the faction I am leaving, I crane my neck to look at my Dad. As expected, his expression is accusatory. Guilt swamps me momentarily; I defied him twice in two consecutive days. I shake it off. I know who I am. I know what I am supposed to choose.

Beside him, my mother smiles at me. I carry her smile with me, one last thing of my family, as I walk out of the hall with the faction which made me what I am, and has become my family, once again.

As we reach the stairs, all the Dauntless start running. This time I don't feel a speck of fear; I am already home. The sound of so many trampling feet is welcome; laughter spills out from me. This is wild. This is free. Doing this a second time feels so good.

Instead of staying at the back like I did last time, I press forward, pushing through black-clothed and colored shoulders, moving to the front.

We rush down the stairs and burst out on the streets, running amock. I can see the confusion of the other transfers, but I know our destination. I just let the wind blow on my face and welcome the heaving of my lungs and the burning in my muscles. I love this.

While running with the Dauntless crowd, running ahead and ahead, I somehow find myself next to Uriah. My already broad smile broadens so much that my jaw aches. The sight of his windswept curling brown hair and bronzed skin, flushed with exertion, is a sight more than welcome, a beautiful change from how I had seen him last time — in a hospital bed, machines pumping the last of his life through him.

"Hi!" I gasp out when I'm next to him. I can't stop myself. He turns and looks at me.

"Hey," he smiles good-naturedly. "A Stiff, what a surprise! Didn't quite fit in with the rest of your benevolent group, did you?"

I shake my head with a laugh. "Too selfish."

"And too brave, it seems, if you are here," he grins. "Only the nutcases join this faction. I'm Uriah, by the way."

"Tris," I reply. The name feels more natural on my lips than 'Beatrice'. "And you realise that your statement makes you a nutcase yourself, don't you?"

He laughs, but does nothing to contradict me. As we round the corner, I hear a familiar sound — the train horn. My heart sings with joy. _Yes_. I can't wait to do this.

Despite my eagerness, I let the older Dauntless pile ahead as the train arrives, its doors open, welcoming, its horns blaring and lights flashing. One by one, the people climb into the train, until the initiates are left. The Dauntless-born initiates are next, climbing in easily. It's something they have done since childhood. Uriah is the last one to climb, and then only the transfers are left. I can hear the trepidation of my fellow transfers behind me, but my smile doesn't waver. I jog along with the train, and grabbing the handle, swing myself in. Uriah's hand was stretched to pull me in. He lowers it as I slip in, not even stumbling.

"Wow," he says, wide-eyed. "That was something." I only flash him a cheeky grin and lean out of the train to help the others in. My outstretched hand meets a lean, dark one, and attached to it, a pretty girl in Candor uniform — Christina. My smile widens; it's great to see her as good as new (which she technically is), without injuries or a downward pull to her lip because of the terrible way things went. She stumbles a little, but manages to land on her feet, holding on to me.

"Hi," I grin as we shift deeper inside the train, allowing the others to climb in. "You alright?"

She nods, grinning. "I'm Christina," she says, offering me her hand.

"Tris," I reply, shaking her hand. The confidence I feel now is almost unsettling to me. All the stiffness that comes from being in Abnegation is gone.

"That's not an Abnegation name," she frowns slightly, eyeing my grey clothes. I feel the urge to laugh. Being a Candor gives some perception.

"It's actually Beatrice," I say. "But I don't think it goes too well in Dauntless."

"It doesn't," she agrees, laughing. The train picks up speed as everyone arrives safely in the train cars. Well, not everyone. An Erudite boy was left behind. I feel a twinge of guilt. I knew this was going to happen. Should I not have helped him in? But there is no knowing how the presence of new initiates will change the course of events. I console myself with the thought that being factionless isn't as bad as I once thought it was. It is at least better than death. And death isn't too improbable a possibility in Dauntless.

The train rushes through the city. As much as I want to grip the handles of the door and lean out of the train like Tobias used to, I take the wiser option and sit down. _You are an Abnegation transfer_ , I remind myself. _Act like one_. But it is so difficult now, after all the Dauntless recklessness and confidence has been ingrained deep inside. I feel like I am betraying myself, acting like someone I am not anymore. How difficult will it become once I am in the Dauntless headquarters? Can I hide what I am from everyone?

"Do you know where we're going?" Christina shouts over the wind. I know, of course, but I only shrug. She raises an eyebrow at my sitting position.

"A fast train means wind," I say. "Wind means falling out. Get down." I can manage myself, but any transfer should not be able to stand the onslaught of the wind. She nods, and sits down beside me so our shoulders touch. It feels good.

"I guess we're going to Dauntless headquarters," I say, lying only slightly. "but I don't know where that is."

"Does anyone?" Christina shakes her head, grinning. "It's like they just popped out of a hole in the ground or something."

A hand touches my shoulder as I look out. "That was quite an impressive ascent into the train. Statistically speaking, you pulled off an extremely rare feat."

I begin to turn my head, but the voice does it for me. All in a moment, my surrounding have melted into the Abnegation quarters, dark against the night, cries and gunshots echoing through the night air. He is standing facing me, his eyes blank and glassy. His gun is pointed at me. I reciprocate the gesture, my heart fluttering in my ribcage. It's me or him. My hand tightens around the trigger...

The shaking of my shoulder brings me to reality.

"Tris!" Christina is saying. "What happened? Are you okay?" But my eyes stay locked on his face. His celery green eyes are not blank, but bright with intelligence. His smile is bemused.

 _He is alive, he is alive, he is alive,_ I chant in my head. _You didn't kill him._

I force myself to calm down. This is a different reality. I must focus on now.

"I didn't think my looks were that bad," Will says with a confused smile. "You look like you have just seen a ghost."

 _You are its equivalent_.

"It's — it's nothing." I am still working on bringing my nerves to steady. I feel as if I'll fall off the train if someone says 'boo!' to me. "I just — nothing." I shake my head with an embarrassed smile.

"I'm Will," he says. "And you really need to learn to take complements, if that is your usual reaction to them."

"I'm Tris," I say, nodding _. If only you knew what was bothering me, Will._

This life is going to take a lot to get used to.

Will, Christina and I sit together as the train moves past the different sectors of the city. Here I finally feel at ease, at least for now. This feels like what it really is — a new beginning. We are together. We will be.

As the train whizzes past the Erudite headquarters, I look out thoughtfully. I wonder how Caleb is now. Is he already drinking in Jeanine's words, morphing into her pawn? I shudder slightly. I really hope not.

"They're jumping off!"

A fellow initiate's shout rouses me from my musings; I have been lost in thought for about half an hour, sitting in silence with Christina and Will. My body aches a little; my neck is stiff.

I make my way with my friends to the door, where the transfers form a line. My heart beats faster, but only a little; it's more excitement than fear. I have done this twice before.

The train runs seven stories high as I look over the shoulders of my fellow initiates, the wind blowing with a cutting coolness. Even now that I am not seized by panic, I can appreciate the sheer ridiculousness of this Dauntless norm — reckless bravery, or certain death.

"We have to jump off too, then," I hear Molly say. I have no difficulty in recognizing her, what with her large nose and crooked teeth.

"Great," a Candor boy replies — Peter, "because that makes perfect sense, Molly. Leap off a train onto a roof."

"This is kind of what we signed up for, Peter," Molly points out. Her statement allows me to acknowledge that the girl has at least some brains.

"Well, I'm not doing it," says an Amity boy behind me — the only transfer from Amity. His cheeks shine with tears. I feel sorry for him. They really should put up a signboard or something before the Choosing — 'Dauntless isn't just about crazy courageous fun. Injuries and deaths possible side effects'.

"You've got to," Christina says, "or you fail. Come on, it'll be all right."

"No, it won't! I'd rather be factionless than dead!" The Amity boy shakes his head, panicking. I can understand how it is for him; from the easy-going life in the fields and gardens of Amity, full of laughter and music, to this, a death-risk. I don't know why he chose Dauntless. But I don't feel so sorry for him this time; better factionless than dead. I imagine him somewhere in a broken building with the other factionless, eating scrambled eggs from a can of peas as someone strums on a banjo. He can live with that.

"You can't force him," I say, glancing at Christina. Her eyes are wide and she looks tense, but she doesn't protest.

This time, I am the first to offer her my hand. She had done so much for me; I feel a need to repay her. She takes it without hesitation, and gives me a grateful smile.

"Thanks," she says. "I just…can't do it unless someone drags me." Sometimes, there is something so beautiful about her honesty.

Hand in hand, we stand at the edge of the car. As it passes the roof, I count, "One…two…three!" I don't doubt myself this time. I just have to take my friend with me.

Together, at three, we launch ourselves off the train. The rooftop rushes to catch me. The impact of my feet hitting the hard concrete sends a jarring pain through my body, but I manage to force my legs to absorb most of the force of contact, and even though I stumble, I land on my feet, unlike the embarrassing sprawl of my first time. Christina grazes her knees against the concrete, and I let go of her hand. She laughs.

"Wow, that was quite some experience," she says. She eyes me, still on my feet. "Well done."

I look around to see the other initiates on the roof with various levels of success at their attempts; I noticed Uriah lean on Lynn's shoulders, gingerly putting his left foot down. Molly clutches her ankle, wincing. Near her, Peter grins proudly; he must have landed on his feet. I reluctantly applaud his result; he managed in his first chance what I could not before my second attempt, fluke or not.

But then a wail jerks my attention to the edge of the building, and my blood runs cold. Rita's sister. I was so absorbed in perfecting my jump that I had completely forgotten about her. I don't try to go near Rita this time, who is sobbing at the edge of the roof as her friend tries to pull her back. Guilt holds me in its cold clutches. I let someone die, even when I knew it was about to happen. I lost a girl her sister. I failed an innocent.

 _You can't save everyone_ , I try to console myself. _Some lives are bound to be lost_. I hope I am right. But my conscience does not allow me to feel better.

My Abnegation shirt feels too heavy for my body; I am used to wearing the tight Dauntless clothes, or at least something that allows me greater access to movement. I roll up my sleeves as I walk towards the other end of the roof.

"Ooh. _Scandalous_! A Stiff's flashing some skin!" I look up to see Peter pointing at me, smirking. Drew and Molly follow him with their jeering laughter.

I hadn't really thought how I should behave with Peter. He had been insistent on making my life a living hell, but after I saved him at the Amity headquarters, we had developed a sort of reluctant camaraderie. If he had not saved me, my death was certain at the Erudite headquarters. And even though he had admitted that it was merely the need of not owing me his life, and not any positive trait that had forced him to do it, that was something. The last time I had seen him, he was still a traitor, a bully and a coward, but he was with us; he was working on our side. But now as I see his spiteful smile, I know that there is no way of mending things between us. Even if I don't hate his guts enough to wish his death, it does not mean I have to like him.

I throw a frigid glare in the direction of the trio.

"Listen up! My name is Max! I am one of the leaders of your new faction!" I turn towards the found of the voice, and there is Max, standing at ease on the ledge of the roof. Anger boils in my blood as I look at him; he is one of the traitors. But I guess Max wasn't really evil at heart; he was just another pawn of Jeanine Matthews. Anyway, he is yet to bring about any harm, for now.

Confusion and fear spreads among the initiates as Max asks us to step off the roof. I don't hesitate this time; I am not only proud, but also the only one who knows what awaits us at the bottom. I walk to the edge where Max has moved back for us to step up. The wind whips at my face. Calmly, I shrug out of my loose Abnegation shirt, and throw it at Peter. The satisfaction of watching his stunned expression a second time makes my day.

I look down from the top to the sheer drop that awaits me. Not only am I unafraid, I am eager. Because of what I am about to see at the bottom. Or rather, who. I feel giddy with expectation. I can't wait.

 _Tobias, here I come_.

* * *

 **We'll have Tobias in the next chapter!**

 **And I'd like to know this from you — do you think Tris should speak out when Eric asks Christina to hang from the railing by the Chasm? What should be the outcome?**

 **Until next time, folks! :)**


	3. See You Again

**Third chapter up! Thank you for every one of my readers and reviewers, and all those who favourited and followed this. Love ya!**

* * *

The drop is so much like flying, it makes me want to spread my arms like wings and scream out of joy. It reminds me of my zip-lining experience with the rest of the Dauntless. The wind fans out my hair behind me, and I drop, drop, drop...

And all too soon, it's over. My body lands with a thump on the net. I laugh, covering my face with my hands. This is over. I'm finally here.

I roll over in the net towards the the outstretched hands, moving to land on solid ground. I stumble, like last time, and only his grip saves me from falling face-first on the ground. Tingles run up my arms where his grip steadies me. I stare at him, his handsome face, his spare upper lip and full lower lip, and his beautiful deep-set blue eyes, and I forget to breathe.

 _Tobias_.

 _I love you too_ , he had said the last time we were together. _I'll see you soon_. He hadn't seen me again. I wonder how it must be for him to see me dead. My heart aches. _No, that hasn't happened yet_ , I tell myself. _This is a fresh start_.

And here I am, at the fresh start, my heart overwhelmed by my love for him, resisting the urge to grab him and kiss him hard, and here he is, Tobias Eaton, having no idea who I am. The ache of this realization clashes heavily with the joy of seeing him again.

I feel like we stare into each other's eyes for an eternity, until Tobias lets go of my hand. It was all probably just a moment. _Stupid_. I blush and look away.

"Thank you," I say.

"Can't believe it," a voice says from behind him. It's Lauren. She smirks at me. "A Stiff, the first to jump? Unheard of."

"There's a reason why she left them, Lauren," Tobias says. I smile to myself. Who knows it better than him? "What's your name?"

"I —" I'm hating every moment of this now; I try to make myself understand, but the fact that he doesn't know me at all stings. Badly.

"Think about it," he says, a faint smile curling his lips. "You don't get to pick again." He mistook my pause for hesitation. I can't help smile a little; I already know who I am, and this is the place that made me.

"Tris," I say.

"Tris," Lauren repeats, grinning. "Make the announcement, Four."

Tobias turns to look over his shoulder and calls, "First jumper—Tris!"

The crowd behind cheers, and Tobias turns to stare back at me. My lips part slightly. I feel the pull; I want to throw myself in his arms. I am oblivious to anything but him. But then Christina's screams follow her body down, and the moment is broken. Everyone laughs, and cheer some more. Tobias shifts closer to me, and I can hardly control myself now. My breaths come in short gasps. He presses his hand on my back. A shiver runs down my body; I hope he does not notice.

His eyes softening a little, he says, "Welcome to Dauntless."

I smile to myself; maybe things will look up soon.

-o0o-

Once all the initiates are inside the headquarters, the Dauntless-born initiates, led by Lauren, separate out from us.

"Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor," Tobias says, addressing us. "My name is Four."

Christina asks, "Four? Like the number?" _Uh oh, Christina_ , I think. _Too much Candor_.

"Yes," he says. "Is there a problem?"

"No."

"Good. We're about to go into the Pit, which you will someday learn to love. It—"

Christina snickers. "The Pit? Clever name." I hurriedly stomp on her foot, but not fast enough.

"Ow," she grumbles. "What is it?"

Tobias, no, Four, because this is the fighter, the soldier, the tough as nails instructor, walks up to Christina and leans his face close to hers, his eyes narrowed. I learnt not to be afraid of him long ago, but I can see that he is definitely intimidating.

"What's your name?" he asks quietly.

"Christina," she squeaks.

"Well, Christina, if I wanted to put up with Candor smartmouths, I would have joined their faction," he hisses. "The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?" She nods.

And then he walks away from us without a second glance.

"What a jerk," Christina grumbles. I don't reply; I am too busy staring at Tobias. I can never appreciate enough just how handsome he is; his muscles show through his jacket as he pushes the doors to the Pit open. His hair gleams in the dim light; I want nothing more than to run my fingers through it. I don't know what's wrong with me... What am I, a schoolgirl pining after her first crush? But the world seems to have narrowed down to him, and only him. The desire stifles me. In the chaos that we were stuck in, in the other reality, we never really got some good time alone, and now I want to kiss him senseless. My face flames up, embarrassed at the direction my thoughts are taking.

"Do you find something more interesting than what I'm saying?" Tobias' sharp words bring me to reality. He is staring at my face intently. I must have zoned out. My face turns bright red.

"No, I —" I stutter, embarrassed beyond belief. "I'm sorry." Someone in the crowd titters.

He nods. "You'd better be paying attention, Stiff, because I am not going to be repeating my directions."

 _Don't lose yourself too much in fantasies. He is not yours yet. If you keep making mistakes, he may never like you at all._

The thought is extremely sobering. I turn my focus on my surroundings, even though I am familiar with them already.

"Not very nice, is he?" Christina whispers as we walk towards the Chasm.

"He's very intimidating," I allow.

Once our guided tour is over, we file into the cafeteria with Tobias. The Dauntless residents stand to welcome us; they cheer and stamp their feet and pump their fists. I grin. This is the sort of freedom I have come to love. Beside me, Christina smiles.

Like last time, I find myself sitting at a table between Tobias and Christina. Warmth spreads through my body as I give him a sidelong glance, trying to convince myself that it is not just because he is close to me. Hamburgers are placed in front of us; I automatically begin making a grab for one of them, before remembering that I am supposed to be unfamiliar with this sort of food. I quickly backtrack and pinch the slice of meat, trying to act as if it is alien to me.

"It's beef," Tobias elaborates, nudging me with his elbow. "Put this on it," he adds, pushing a bowl of red sauce towards me. Our fingers touch as I take it from him, and I try to prolong the contact as much as possible. I look at him from the corners of my eyes; he does not show any sign of being flustered or anything close. His posture is as soldier-like as ever. I feel disappointment trickle over me like cold water.

"You've never had a hamburger before?" asks Christina, her eyes wide.

"No," I lie. _I have eaten this at least a dozen times, right here._

"Stiffs eat plain food," Tobias says, nodding at Christina. "Why?" she asks.

I shrug, rattling off the Abnegation teaching: "Extravagance is considered self-indulgent and unnecessary."

She smirks. "No wonder you left."

"Yeah," I say, rolling my eyes. "It was just because of the food."

The corner of Tobias' mouth twitches. I smile internally, happy to be able to at least bring a semblance of a smile on his face.

The meeting with Eric goes no better than the first time. This time though, he did does not intimidate me; he disgusts me. I am extremely tempted to retort to his scorn about me being from Abnegation, but I don't; I don't need to draw extra attention to myself.

"Are you two…friends?" I say to Tobias, once Eric is out of the way. It is the most ridiculous of questions; I can't even imagine it ever happening. But beside me, I can practically feel Christina bursting with curiosity, so I do it for her benefit. Besides, I just _need_ to start a conversation with him, and something this innocent and stupid is good enough.

"We were in the same initiate class," he says. "He transferred from Erudite." _I know. Traitor._

"Were you a transfer too?" I continue, knowing that I am treading danger zone. But riling Tobias up seems amusing now.

Sure enough, his face darkens. "I thought I would only have trouble with the Candor asking too many questions," he says coldly. "Now I've got Stiffs, too?" Christina frowns beside me, offended.

"It must be because you're so approachable," I say, trying to bring anger into my voice, but I just feel like laughing. I cover my mouth lightly with my hand to hide the smile lifting my lips. "You know. Like a bed of nails."

He stares at me, and leans his face closer to me. "Are you laughing at me?" he asks very quietly.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't dare!" I feign wide-eyed terror.

He purses his lips a little, but I see their corners twitching. The tension between us builds, until it's electric, a charge flowing too palpably between us. I stare into his eyes, and he stares into mine, my lips part slightly. I just want to kiss him, now. Heat floods my cheeks. I am frozen.

"Careful, Tris," he murmurs, a husky whisper very close to my face, and then at a call from another table, he walks away. I slump into my seat, the tension slowly ebbing away. I feel the slightest twinge of disappointment at the pit of my stomach.

"Whew," Christina sighs, and makes an act of fanning herself with her hands.

And I can't help it anymore; I burst out laughing, and laugh until I am breathless.

-o0o-

The tension in the dormitory is too evident. Eric's sentence hangs like a guillotine over our heads — _"You chose us, now we have to choose you."_ And I am obviously the calmest in the room, even though I don't make a show of it.

I have changed into my Dauntless clothes like everyone else. This time around, neither the modesty of Abnegation nor homesickness hold me back; both are long gone. I have stuffed my gray attire in a drawer, though. I'll not let go of my roots.

I lie on my bed and hear nine people breathing. The air is so different here from the Bureau where I last slept. But it is comfortably different. I don't let myself to be lulled into a false sense of security, but it at least feels like home. Just across me, I hear the bedsprings creak as the weight on them shifts. Sobs float across the quiet air. Al. I'd thought that after having his death on my conscience I'd feel for him more in his distress. If anything, I feel angry and repelled.

 _Not everyone is cut out for the faction they choose_ , I tell myself. I have seen enough proof of that. I conjure up Al's tearstained face as he begged my forgiveness, of his laughter as he gave me a piggyback ride. Al is not a bad person. He is not Dauntless, that is all. I myself have been a killer. Who am I to judge him?

With the need to become a better person and to learn the art of forgiveness better pressing on my mind, I fall asleep.

I am in the Erudite headquarters. They put me down on the table like I am a rat for sectioning. The table is frigid under my skin. Peter connects electrodes to my body, which tap my heart rate and other body responses on the screens.

 _"Tris! I want to see her!_ " I can hear Tobias' voice in my head, his eyes bloodshot and puffy, his face blotchy. _No, let me go!_ I want to say. _I want to see him!_

Jeanine closes upon me with a syringe full of purple serum.

 _I don't want to die._ The thought rises, strong and sharp in my head. _I don't want to die_. My frantic heartbeat has taken up the chant. But I don't move. I can't.

 _I don't want to die I don't want to die I DON'T WANT TO DIE!_

I wake up with a gasp, clutching my bedsheets, my forehead sweaty. It was a dream. Just a dream. The dormitory is still swathed in darkness. Al's sobs have given way to snuffling snores.

Trying fruitlessly to calm my hammering heart, I try once more to call sleep to me.

-o0o-

I test the weight of the gun pressed into my hands by Tobias. It feels all too familiar, and (my father would be horrified if he knew) my heart is full of a sense of purpose and determination, not repulsion and a feeling of wrongdoing. I look like an initiate, but I am already a Dauntless.

"But what…" Peter yawns through his words. "What does firing a gun have to do with…bravery?"

Tobias flips the gun in his hand and presses the barrel to Peter's forehead. I smirk. The sight of Peter's frightened face is very satisfying.

I face my target once Tobias is done demonstrating. I spread my legs a little in the familiar stance, and hold the gun ahead with both my hands. It's all too familiar; to me, I had been practicing with my injured shoulder in the Bureau with Caleb, Tobias and Christina less than a week ago. I ready myself and press the trigger. The bullet hits well within the target.

I try again, this time putting equal balance on my now perfect shoulder. The gun shoots; the bullet hits bang on center.

I shoot again and again, feeling a glow of contentment and pride as I hit very close to, if not exactly on the center every time.

"You realise that you are defying nature, don't you?" Will says from the side. "Statistics say that you shouldn't be able to shoot this good at the first try."

"Is that so?" I smile, a blush coloring my cheeks.

"Yes! How are you doing it, Tris?" Christina asks incredulously. She has only just managed to hit the target. "It seems like you were born to be Dauntless."

"Uh, beginner's luck?" I offer a lame excuse. I am realizing that I got carried away. I should have worked better at hiding my prowess.

Tobias steps close to me as we practice. "You did extraordinarily well," he says quietly. I shrug, hoping to hide the truth.

"I guess there's some hidden brutality in me."

"This is not about brutality." He shakes his head. "It's about being self sufficient, about being strong."

I smile when he moves away. I know, Tobias, I know.

I sit with Al, Christina and Will at lunch. It's a difficult job acting nonchalant, knowing that you are responsible, at least to some extent, for the death of two of them and the misery of the other. I am having a hard time separating what I have been through with what is happening now.

-o0o-

I rain punches and kicks on the punching bag in front of me. The training room is quiet save the sound of the initiates' limbs hitting the bags and their heavy breathing. As far as I can see, I am doing fine.

Tobias stares at me with scientific interest as I practice.

"You are doing well," he says, and I glow with pride inside. "You don't have much muscle, which means you're better off using your knees and elbows. You can put more power behind them." I nod and continue.

Suddenly he presses a hand to my stomach. I can't surprise the gasp that escapes me. I had forgotten about this; I was completely unprepared. My heart pounds so hard my chest hurts, and I stare at him, wide-eyed. "Never forget to keep tension here," he says in a quiet voice. And he walks off.

I stare backwards to see him walking, and in the process, forget about the punching bag, which had lurched back from my last punch. It hits me straight on the head.

"Ouch!" I fall to the ground from the unexpected hit.

"Tris! Are you okay?" Tobias hurries over to me and helps me up. I face is flaming.

"Yeah, I —" I cover my face with my hands, laughing quietly at myself.

 _I am such a fool_.

I spend the evening letting Christina work her make-up magic on me, and then we go to the tattoo parlor to watch Al getting tattooed.

"Hello, Beatrice," Tori smiles when she notices me. "Nice to see that my hunch was right."

"Hi," I smile back. "And I'm Tris now."

"Oh, yes, I heard. First jumper, isn't that right?" She looks at me staring at the tattoo design. "Want one?"

I smile. I've waited too long for this. "Yes, please. Three of these birds."

The sting of the needle on my collarbone feels nice; it's as if it is making me whole.

I smile at the tattoo as I stare at the mirror before going to bed. _This_ is me — Tris.

-o0o-

My stomach seems to be coiling and uncoiling as I stare at the board in the training room. I don't have a fight today, but that does not mean that I feel any better. I remember this day with perfect clarity; I know what is about to happen.

I watch in silence as Al knocks Will down to the ground, and Tobias carries him to the infirmary. I am tempted to call out to him. I don't want to be left with Eric. Maybe if Tobias were here, he would stop Eric from being the sadistic bastard that he is.

Christina and Molly's fight is next. I watch with a sinking feeling as Christina takes Molly's blows, her own strikes not making any significant difference. Every crack makes me flinch, every blow makes me wince. Al holds my hand in a death grip.

 _Please go unconscious_.

But I know that my prayer is in vain.

Christina clutches her chest, wheezing. Tears burn behind my eyes. My lips are bleeding, I've been biting into them for so long and hard.

"Stop!" Christina wails. "Stop! I'm... I'm done." A tear rolls down my eye. I hate myself now, unable to do anything to help her.

"I'm sorry, what did you say? You're done?" I never thought I could hate Eric any more than I already did, but I do now. Oh, I do.

Christina pushes herself to her knees. When she takes her hand from the ground, it leaves a red handprint behind. She pinches her nose to stop the bleeding and nods.

"Get up," Eric says. I want to punch him in the face. Instead, I run over to Christina and help her up before Eric can yank her to her feet harshly. He gives me a hard look, but doesn't say anything.

"Follow me," he says to the rest of us. And we do. My hand is steadily reddening from Christina's blood. I feel sick to the core of my heart.

Once we are by the Chasm, Eric pulls Christina off me and shoves her against the railing.

"Climb over it," he says.

"What?" The shock and fear in Christina's voice feels like a stab of a knife.

"Climb over the railing," says Eric again. "If you can hang over the chasm for five minutes, I will forget your cowardice. If you can't, I will not allow you to continue initiation."

Christina's face is chalk-white. "Fine," she says, her voice shaking. Trembling, she walks to the railing and does as she is told.

Al sets his watch.

I watch, my lips cracked and bleeding, as Christina manages it for the first minute. But then the river hits the wall, and white water sprays against Christina's back. Her face strikes the barrier, and she cries out. Her hands slip so she's just holding on by her fingertips. She tries to get a better grip, but now her hands are wet.

And I can't stop myself anymore.

"Stop it!" I cry out. "Stop making her do this. She — she'll die!" I know that Christina will live it through, but I can't stand watching anymore, not for a second time. All knowledge of what is destined to happen flees me. I can't stand and watch my friend go through this torture.

"Oh, is the little Stiff feeling sorry for her friend?" Eric mocks me. "Why don't you join her then, Tris? Keep her company?"

This is exactly what I had feared would happen the first time. But there is no backing out of it now. So I give Eric my best death glare, and move to the railing. My heart thumps erratically as I see the river foaming beyond. Christina gives me a fearful look, struggling to remain in position.

I am much shorter than her, and have trouble climbing over the rail. And then I take my place next to her.

Tears run down Christina's cheeks as she struggles to hang on. But then, another spray hits her back, and a finger slips.

"No!" I shift my hand so that it rests on top of her. She manages to regain her grip, and together, we hang side by side, one hand of each overlapping the other.

But how can I stand any longer? It was foolhardy of me to try and help her. My small size does not help me; my fingers keep slipping. A spray of ice cold water hits me, and I gasp. My hand slips off the rail. Now my only support is my other hand, latched on to Christina's.

"Come on, Tris!" Al's voice breaks me from my despair. "Come on, Christina! One minute left!"

I see Christina regain her grip on the railing with her other hand. But I can't do it. I'm too short; I can not reach it again. If I lose my grip with the other hand, I'll fall. I grit my teeth in frustration; this is a disaster. I'll fall here. I'll die. All my efforts to correct things are in vain. So much for my bravado.

But then, through the crowd of faces on the other side of the railing, I see a face farther away — Tobias.

My eyes meet his deep blue ones; they are hard and angry. But they are frantic with anxiety. And I know I have to do this. I won't die out on him, not this time, not again. With a humongous effort, I throw out my arm and grab the railing. I don't know how much time has passed. It feels like an eternity, although it is surely less than four minutes.

"Five minutes are up," Al spits the words out.

Eric looks almost disappointed, and takes his sweet time checking his watch.

"Fine," Eric says. "You can come up, Christina, Tris." Al walks toward the railing.

"No," Eric says. "They have to do it on their own."

"No, they don't," Al growls. "Christina did what you said. She's not a coward. She did what you said. And Tris..." he doesn't even know what to say, he trails off, staring at me with awe.

Eric shrugs, and Al moves to help Christina. He us strong, but he can only pull up one at a time. Christina has been hanging on longer than me; she needs help first. But then, a large wave rockets up in the cascading ricer, and the spray hits me sharply on the back. I gasp, unprepared. My hand drops of the metal railing. A scream bursts through my lips.

All in a moment, I find strong arms gripping me, pulling me up. I look up, shivering, only to be lost in those beautiful, thoughtful blue eyes. Tobias.

He cradles me, pulling me to safety. His eyes are blazing.

"What were you thinking?" he says through gritted teeth. "Do you have any regard for your safety at all?"

I open my mouth to reply, but before I can get a word out, he storms off, leaving me alone, trembling.

"You didn't have to do it," Christina tells me as we walk to our dormitory, a subdued group.

"I couldn't just watch him do whatever he wants with you," I reply, scowling as I imagine Eric's face.

"Well, fat lot of good it did, you hanging with me!" Christina's words feel like a whiplash. I turn away, and walk faster. Is this what I get for risking my life?

I walk ahead by a couple of metres, my face heated and angry burning, when I hear footsteps running after me.

"Tris!" Christina catches up with me, and puts her hand on my arm. I am half-tempted to jerk it off.

"Look, I didn't mean it to come out this way, I'm sorry." Her face holds genuine remorse. "I just — I didn't want you risk your life for me. If you didn't make it... it would be my fault." She stares at me, her brown eyes earnest. "What would I do without my best friend?"

I smile and put my arm around her shoulder. Maybe it was worth, after all.

* * *

 **What do think? Did I did justice to Tobias and Tris' meeting? It must be difficult for Tris, poor girl, bottling everything up like this.**

 **My question to you for now: What do you think Tris' fears will be now? Some of them are bound to change. How many? Which old ones will stay? What will be the new ones? I want to hear it from you!**

 **Until next time :)**


	4. Between Fights and Dreams

**So here I am again. Thank you for all the reads, reviews, faves and follows. They mean a lot!**

 **Some much needed Tobias- Tris interaction in this chapter. And it turned out to be extra long! Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Sleep doesn't come easily to me that night. I keep feeling the cold water of the river against my back, and the images of Christina, hurt and bleeding, hanging on to the railing for dear life, haunts me. But finally, my surroundings dim, and I drift off.

I find myself at the entrance of the Bureau. Or rather, I can feel my presence; I can't see myself. I turn and look around. There is Cara, her face badly bruised. And Christina. And Tobias.

"What is it?" Tobias asks. I am confused myself, I'd like to know it too. Cara's expression is troubled. No, it's devastated.

She simply shakes her head to his question.

"Where is Tris?"

 _I'm here!_ I want to say, but I can't speak at all.

"I'm sorry, Tobias."

"Sorry about what?" Christina says roughly. "Tell us what happened!"

"Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb," Cara says. "She survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but she . . . she was shot. And she didn't survive. I'm so sorry."

I blink. What? So is this...

Cara hugs Christina as she breaks down. But all I see is Tobias. His expression is impossible to describe, as one by one, the emotions slips in — shock, disbelief, realization, grief, heartbreak. And at that moment, I feel it all. It is as if my being has melded in with him, and everything he feels, I do too. And God, it is unbearable. I feel myself being crushed under Tobias' grief, and he just stands and stands, like he will never move again.

I see him walking through corridors, his movements robotic, until he reaches a room. And there I am, on the table. It is so strange, looking at your own dead body. But I don't really feel it; I feel what Tobias feels, and I hope to whatever force works up there that no one has to feel something like this. He holds my hand, my corpse's, that is, for a long time, desperation in those deep blue eyes. And then, something in their depth cracks, and he sinks to the floor, sobs wracking his frame. And as he cries, I break. Into a thousand pieces.

The scene changes. I am still reeling from the pain, which hasn't gone away one bit. It's not a physical pain, but emotional, and yet it is so intense that I feel it under my skin. I find myself in Tobias' bedroom in Marcus' house. Tobias stands in front of the mirror, shearing his hair short. Or rather, someone who looks like Tobias. The person in front of the mirror is only a ghost of the boy I love. He is dreadfully pale, thin, with dark circles under his eyes. But worst of all, he looks lost. Defeated. The burning fire, the sharp blade, the soldier, the instructor, the passionate lover, _Four,_ he is all gone. My heart feels like it is being slowly ripped in two; is this what I did to him? I want to run up to him, hold him, tell him that it's okay, I'm here, but I can't move. I am nobody. A mere spectator.

Even as I watch, Tobias pulls out a vial from his pocket. I recognize it easily enough; it is the memory serum. I wait for him to..I don't know, throw it away, maybe, but instead, he lifts it towards his mouth.

 _NO!_ What is he trying to do? Does he want to forget everything? What he is, what he has, what he lost... his past, his life, his friends, _me_? And worst of all — _himself_? I try to rush forward to take the vial from him, but I can't move, I can't...

Why is he doing this? This is not the man I love. Did I commit such a grave crime by dying, that he wants to forget me, forever?

The vial is inches from his face. _No no no no no..._

 _TOBIAS, NO!_

I wake up with a gasp, only to find the room dark. My eyes are wet, my heart hammering. I stare around wildly, hoping something to calm me down, but no divine intervention happens. Grief crushes my heart until I feel like I can't breathe. The dormitory is stifling. All around, I hear the sound of deep breathing. I need to get out. I stumble out of bed, swaying. _Need to get away._

I walk blindly till I find myself in the Pit, by the Chasm, holding the railing by which I had been hanging only hours ago. And I can't hold back anymore; I sink on to my knees, sobbing my heart out. What am I crying for? I don't know. All I know is that I can feel Tobias' grief in my bones, and at that moment, I hate myself for leaving him, for dying. And I hate him for taking the coward's way out. Did he really do this? If I died,would he really be so broken that he will want to forget it all? I can't believe it. It doesn't matter to me at that moment that none of it has happened yet; I can't even think straight, I can't think about anything. I just cry.

"Tris? What is it?" Someone speaks behind me. I swivel around, surprised; I hadn't even heard someone come up.

I find myself inches from those beautiful blue eyes.

 _Oh_. Tobias.

Looking at him brings a fresh onslaught of tears. My emotions swirl in a tumultuous cyclone, breaking through. Relief at seeing him, whole, bright and brilliant. Grief at what he has been through in my past, what he may be through in his future. And a sense of betrayal, fear and blank uncertainty. Tobias' alarmed expression would have been amusing had it not been for my current condition.

"What happened? Tris, what's wrong?"

But I can't answer. Not only am I in a condition where I am unable to form a coherent thought, how can I possibly tell that it is his heartbreak which my death caused that is making me cry? It wouldn't even make sense even if I trusted him with the information.

Tobias gives up on trying to get information, and sinks down to the floor beside me.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Tris, shhh." His voice is low and soothing. He opens his arms to me, squatting on the floor, and unthinkingly, I shift closer to him, so that my head rests on his chest. It feels so wonderful, his touch a healing balm to the pain his own grief caused me, and in his arms, I finally feel whole again.

He holds me against his hard chest, rocking me in his arms, and I lose all sense of time, slowly drifting off to sleep.

-o0o-

I wake up in the dormitory. It takes me a moment to figure out where I am, and how, and what happened the previous night, and also, why that familiar minty, slightly sweaty, wonderful smell which I have learnt to associate with Tobias is all around me.

I remember it all soon enough — me being a blubbering mess and Tobias comforting me, and my heart swells. And as to the last question — Tobias' black Dauntless jacket is draped over me, warming me over my thin black nightdress.

I have another reason for my happiness; later that night, I had another dream. Tobias was at the top of the Hancock building with Zeke and our other Dauntless friends.

 _He looks down at the zip line, his body stiff with tension. I raise my eyebrows in shock; Tobias is zip lining? What could have induced him to confront his fear, voluntarily?_

 _"I don't think I can do this," Tobias says. His voice is steady, normal, but his body trembles._

 _"Of course you can do it," Zeke cheers. I notice that the marks of grief under their eyes are present, though much diminished. I wonder how far after the day of mu this is. "You are Four, Dauntless legend! You can face anything."_

 _Tobias edges closer to the edge of the roof, but his expression is still full of trepidation. Zeke walks over to him and places his hand on his shoulder._

 _"Hey," he says gently. "This isn't about you, remember? It's about her. Doing something she would have liked to do, something she would have been proud of you for doing. Right?"_

 _She? Who is this she? Did he get someone — oh,_ me _._

 _My insides melt as I see Tobias' jaw harden and his stance become resolute. He is doing this for me?_

 _"How did she get in?" Tobias asks._

 _"Face-first," Zeke says._

 _"All right." He hands him an urn, which presumably contains my ashes. "Put this behind me, okay? And open up the top." I feel myself glow with my love for him._ Oh, Tobias _. He is overcoming his fear to do this, just because I'd have loved him to._

 _And then Zeke pushes him, and as Tobias goes soaring down, I fly with him, together, one and the same._

Smiling to myself, I carefully fold Tobias' jacket and put it under my pillow. Tobias didn't take the serum after all. He never forgot me. My smile sticks as I walk to the bathroom.

But when I come out of the girls' bathroom, fresh from the shower, there is reason enough for the smile to slip right off my face. The word "Stiff" is spray-painted across my mattress in red. The word is written smaller along the bed frame, and again on my pillow. I look around, my heart pounding with anger. _Not again_. But of course it's there, because it's 'again' only for me.

Peter stands behind me, smirking while fluffing up his pillow.

"Nice decorations," he comments. He looks so unbelievably infuriating, what with his innocent looks that could deceive anyone. But not me.

My fist swings out, colliding with his nose. Unprepared, Peter falls, to the floor with a yelp, clutching his nose.

"Dot bery Abdegatiod of do, hittig out like dat," he mumbles through his nose bleeding nose. I glare at him; some audacity he has, making smartass comments with a broken nose.

"Maybe that would teach you not to judge others by their former factions," I growl. "Remember, we are in the same faction now."

"Doat do what do are talkig about," he says, "Do ad I will deber be id the sabe factiob." And he stumbles out of the dormitory.

I proceed to remove my pillowcase from my pillow. Al walks in, and even without my asking for help, he takes the bedsheet off the bed.

"He's an idiot," Al says as we work together, "and if you don't get angry, he'll stop eventually."

"Yeah," I murmur. "But I already did." Al looks at me at the tone of my voice.

"What did you do?"

"I punched him in the nose," I say. "And probably broke his nose." My cheeks are still hot with an angry blush.

Al laughs. "Really? Wow, Tris! You are something else."

I blush. "Thanks Al."

"Did you talk to Will?" I ask quietly. "After…you know." I want to change the subject. Something away from me.

"Yeah. He's fine. He isn't angry." Al sighs. "Now I'll always be remembered as the first guy who knocked someone out cold."

"There are worse ways to be remembered. At least they won't antagonize you." I can't hate Al now, not anymore. I only feel sorry for he. He could have been better, can be better, if he learns understand himself, his strengths and weaknesses. But whatever he is, he is not a bad person.

"There are better ways too." He nudges me with his elbow, smiling. "First jumper. Also, you hung from the railing with Christina. That was really brave."

We have been walking together towards the training room. I clear my throat. "One of you had to get knocked out, you know. If it hadn't been him, it would have been you." He needs to understand that refusing to hurt anyone is not going to help him at all.

"Still, I don't want to do it again." Al shakes his head, so fast and so many times that I imagine him as a bear trying to deflect flies. He sniffs. "I really don't."

We reach the door to the training room and I say, "But you have to."

But nothing I say is going to help him; it didn't last time, and I haven't been saying things any better than the last time. I purse my lips. I have to try. I can't hate Al, his innocence does not allow it, and my memories prevent him from really liking him as much as last time. But I know this much — I don't want him dead, and I'll save him if I can do anything about it. Can I?

I stare at the chalkboard after we have entered the training room. My opponent is Peter.

Of course. How could I have forgotten?

I see him standing in a corner with Drew and Molly. He got something done on his nose, but it is still swollen and dark. The sight makes me feel a wicked sense of satisfaction. But even that is not enough to ease my discomfort. The memory of my fight with Peter is fresh on my memory; it was terrible. His repeated blows, my struggle to stay on my feet, the way the room seemed to be spinning. It was so totally humiliating. As of now, I have better experience and knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses, but Peter is still way too tall and strong from me. A drop of sweat rubs down my back. I hope my nervousness doesn't show.

Christina shuffles in, and I feel a rush of sympathy as I see her bruises. She looks like she is trying not to limp.

"Are they serious? They're really going to make _you_ fight _him_?" she says, gaping at the board. Her eyes stray to Peter. "What's up with his nose?"

"Tris punched him," Al informs her, shuffling close to us.

"Wow! You rule, girl!" Christina laughs, thumping me in the back.

"Maybe you can just take a few hits and pretend to go unconscious," suggests Al. "No one would blame you." "Yeah," I say. "Maybe." I hate how I have come back to where everyone thinks I'm a weak, soft little girl. After everything I have been through, I will have to prove myself yet again.

I spend the time of Edward and Molly's fight in trying to figure out Peter's weaknesses. But I really can't find any. I recall the match between Edward and him which will happen if I lose, but it was just a clash of strength more than strategy. I will never be able to fight the way Edward does. By the time my turn comes, I am no better off than what I was fifteen minutes ago.

"Had fun going at me in the morning?" Peter sneers once we are both in the center. "You had better. Because you are going to regret it."

I press my lips together, not replying.

Last time, I had tried to carry out the first strike, and it had not gone well. So I wait, knowing that Eric will run out of patience soon. Sure enough, his snap comes within thirty seconds.

"You two having a good time there? Want to hang out all day?"

A dangerous glint comes into Peter's eyes. His fist moves towards me almost too fast to see, but I manage to dodge in the last second. His fist lashes out again, and again, and again. I duck, dodge, left, right. Peter growls in frustration.

"Going to keep running away, Stiff?" he taunts. "Wait, you aren't _afraid_ , are you?"

I grit my teeth. _Patience. Seek out your chance._

Peter tries to kick me next, and moving out of the way, I shift to the side, ramming my fist into his gut. He stumbles back, groaning. I take my chance to punch him again, a couple of times, then kick him.

 _Think of your times of strength. You can do this._

Climbing the Ferris wheel. A punch. Shooting Eric. Another. Stabbing Eric. A kick. Surviving the death serum. A dig with my elbow.

Just when I think that I am doing well, and Peter just keeps backing away, he lands a resounding punch on my ear. I stumble back, and he uses his chance to kick me hard, sending me to the floor.

 _On your feet_ , is all that I allow myself to think. I manage it, but my vision is unsteady. I have lost my advantage. With a scream of frustration, I send a punch towards his jaw, satisfied when my fist meets flesh. But before I can blink, he hits me again, sending me sprawling.

The rest of the fight becomes unclear to me. All I can think is the chant of _On your feet_ and _Fight_ , and confusion at why the room has started spinning again in that most unwelcomingly familiar way. I wonder where Tobias is. I hope he hasn't left again. Or maybe it's better if he has. I don't know. I don't know anything. My vision is fuzzy, and I just keep raining blows blindly, sometimes having them blocked, other times with them hitting home. I can't even think who I am fighting anymore, or why the fight is important, but I just know that I can't fall. But then a kick sends me sprawling to the floor, and even that train of thought goes to hell.

"Enough!" someone shouts. Through the cloud of swiftly overtaking unconsciousness, I recognize the voice. It's Tobias.

I smile, or would have smiled, had I been able to feel my face at all beneath all that pain.

-o0o-

"Is she planning on waking up anytime soon?"

I open my eyes to my find myself in the infirmary. And I know my fight with Peter didn't go as bad as last time; I can open _both_ my eyes.

Will, Christina and Al are sitting at the foot of my bed, Christina rubbing an ice pack to the side of her face.

"Finally, Sleeping Beauty," Will grins. "I was wondering if I would have to warm your bed tonight."

I mock scowl at him, before looking at Christina.

"What happened to your face?"

Christina laughs. "Look who's talking. I don't think I'll need to work my makeup on you for a week; it's colorful enough."

"At least I didn't get a black eye this time," I laugh, and then bite my tongue. I hope they don't notice my reference to 'this time'.

"It would have warranted the need for less eye shadow," Will informs me cheekily. "And to answer your question, I beat her up."

"I can't believe you couldn't beat Will, Christina," Al says, shaking his head.

"What? He's good," she says, shrugging. "Plus, I think I've finaly learned how to stop losing. I just need to stop people from punching me in the jaw."

"You know, you'd think you would have figured that out already." Will winks at her. "Now I know why you aren't Erudite. Not too bright, are you?"

"Besides, not everyone is as good as Tris," Al says, taking me by surprise.

"What are you talking about? I lost."

"Yeah, but you managed to put Peter in the infirmary," Christina says. "Congrats on that."

"What?" This is news.

"You beat the bloke up pretty badly when you could get at him," Will adds. "Eric thought he needed a visit too. Peter made a fuss, of course. Must have been a massive blow to his enormous ego, being sent to the hospital by a little Stiff girl. You're hardy, Tris." He grins. "Looks like you won't need that nipple piercing after all."

My arm aches, but ignoring it, I lean forward and swat him hard on the arm.

"Ow, hey, just joking," Will grumbles.

"Four seemed to be very amused at Peter's tantrum," Christina comments with a grin.

"Do you know — did he watch my fight?"

"Is someone interested?" Christina waggles her eyebrows. Out of the corners of my eyes, I see Al's face darken.

I blush. "No, I —"

"He was around for most of the fight," Will says. "He left towards the last part, once you started getting beaten up. He came back in the end. It was he who called off the fight."

I nod. Just hearing about Tobias fills me with this delightful warm feeling.

When Christina and Will get up to leave, Al waves them ahead.

"I just wanted to tell you that you missed Eric's announcement. We're going on a field trip tomorrow, to the fence, to learn about Dauntless jobs," he says. "We have to be at the train by eight fifteen."

"Good," I say. "Thanks."

"And don't pay attention to Christina. Your face doesn't look that bad." He smiles a little. "I mean, it looks good. It always looks good. I mean—you look brave. Dauntless."

I smile at Al, but I feel uncomfortable; I have no feelings for him at all, and I don't want to lead him on. Maybe I should keep him at a distance.

"Al," I say quickly, before he turns to leave and it becomes necessary to initiate contact, "is it getting any easier? The initiation, the fights?"

I know it is not. He tells me so, how he lost all the fights after Will.

"Listen Al, you know you are losing on purpose, don't you? If you want, you can beat anyone, maybe even Edward. All you have to do is try." I try to bring back his morale. But he only shakes his head.

"I know, Tris, but I... don't want to. I am not like the rest of you. I can't do this. Fighting each other, it's brutal."

"I know," I say, "but it is also necessary. Fighting is not only about hurting others, it's about defending yourself and the ones you love. If you don't get over it, you can't do anything."

Al nods, but his demeanor makes it clear that he is not convinced. He mumbles an awkward goodbye and leaves.

I rub my forehead, frustrated. It seems that the only good I have been doing with my knowledge of the future is in improving my own skills. I punch my pillow in anger. _Pathetic, Tris!_

When it's night, I slip out of my bed to sneak into my dormitory. I won't have Peter put me in the infirmary overnight. This time, my injuries feel much better; they aren't that numerous and don't hurt as much. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I did better this time. But I was it the right thing to do? I couldn't just sit and let him beat me up. But for someone was small as me, this is not a natural achievement. And indeed it isn't. It is the result of knowing what is to come, the result of having done it all once before.

I sigh in frustration. My constant need to prove myself to me clashes with my act of being an Abnegation transfer. If I am not careful, I will blow my cover.

As I reach the door of the infirmary, I slam heavily into someone coming from the same direction as me. My bruised muscles groan in protest. I reel back, squinting in the dark — it's Peter. Even in the dim light, I can see his injuries, and I glow with satisfaction. _Serve you right_.

"Stiff," he sneers. "Isn't someone as broken up as you supposed to be strapped in bed in there?"

"Is someone being a sissy here?" I retort. "Sneaking out in the dead of night? Hurt your pride, did I?"

"You're one to speak! Aren't you doing the same thing?"

And then I can't help it; it suddenly dawns on me how we are both up to the same thing here, running away to save our pride. I burst into laughter. He looks at me strangely for some time, and then he too starts laughing.

I climb into my dormitory bed with a smile. Peter's still a jerk, and I still hate him, but that aside, it felt good to laugh.

-o0o-

I am woken up with Christina shaking my shoulder. As my drowsiness clears, I remember why we are supposed to be up so early. The field trip.

This time, unfortunately, I didn't sleep in my clothes, opting for the more comfortable bedclothes, having lost the stiff rules of Abnegation. So I have to run helter skelter, hunting out my black trousers, and putting them on. Speed is very difficult to achieve given my injuries from Peter's fight, and for now at least I am glad that I did better this time.

"Here, you can eat and walk, can't you?" Christina offers me a walnut muffin, and mumbling a thanks, I take it as we walk towards the Pit. Ah, it's so good. The Dauntless are amazing with their confectionary.

We start running from the Pit. I can hear the train horns as we reach the tracks; we made in just in time. As I grab the handle of the door, my muscles scream. I am still too hurt. But somehow, with my past experience and lessened injuries and a little help from Al, I manage it in.

Peter has to make comments about me again, of course, and Will and Christina defend me. I smile to myself a little; I am grateful to have such good friends.

Peter turns to retort to Christina's remark, and I tiredly say, "No one wants to hear what you want to say, Peter," at the exact same moment Tobias says, "Am I going to have to listen to your bickering all the way to the fence?"

He looks at me, and for a long moment, our eyes stay locked. I wish I knew what is going on behind those deep swirling blue eyes. My cheeks feel warm. I am the first to break my gaze.

As the train lurches on, I stare at Tobias leaning out of the train. He looks so young when he does that, his feet firmly planted on the floor but his head out, the wind ruffling his hair. I wish I could do that. I wish I could hold his hand, and we both could feel the wind on our faces as we looked out...

"Someone seems to be very interested in a certain someone," Christina whispers beside me, startling me our of my daydream. I pale; was I that obvious?

"Do you have a crush?" She waggles her eyebrows. I try very hard to contain myself, but my face lights up like a traffic light, giving me away. Traitor.

"You do, don't you? Ooh!" Christina almost looks maniacal in her delight. "Tris loooves F—"

"Shut it!" I hurriedly clamp my hand over her mouth. "Do you want everyone to hear?"

Tobias gives us a sharp look. I wonder what he made out of this. I cautiously remove my hands from Christina, giving her my best death glare. She snickers, but keeps her silence.

"I think you'll be good for each other, you know," she says when the train stops. And hops off before I have a chance to say anything.

Things go exactly like they did last time by the Fence, Tobias giving us a little guidance speech about the jobs. At the gate, we come face to face with some of the Amity, and someone calls my name. There he is — Robert.

As I talk to Robert, looking at his curly blonde hair and rosy cheeks, and his happy, relaxed demeanor, even as he expresses his concern at my injuries, I can see that he took the easy way out. The Amity live a simple, happy life. I remember our stay with them. This is not a life for me — subdued by the peace serum, too easygoing. But it is undeniable that there is a beauty in their style of life, in their equality and peace. Tobias has always loved it, and now, I realise its charms too.

 _Sometimes people just want to be happy, even if it's not real._ Oh, Tobias. I understand you. How I wish we could have real happiness, for everyone. All the time.

Tobias moves towards me once Robert leaves.

"I am worried that you have a knack for making unwise decisions," he says when he's a foot away from me.

"It was a two-minute conversation," I reply defensively. _Are you jealous?_

"I don't think a smaller time frame makes it any less unwise." He furrows his eyebrows and touches my temple, which is where I am bruised instead of the eye. I close my eyes and savor the sensation of his cool fingers again my skin. "You fought better than I had expected."

I open my eyes, smiling shyly. "Thank you."

"You should keep up with the attack front," he says. "It will help."

I nod. His hand is still on my forehead; I have to repress this ridiculous urge to smile.

I look past him towards the direction of the Amity headquarters, and remember the time they gave me too much peace serum. How silly I had been. But it feels good to remember of those times. My times, with the boy before me, who has no idea how hard I am trying to not kiss him, right here, right now, like I want. I bite my lip to stop the giggle that threatens to escape me, and heat spreads on my face.

"What are you thinking?" Tobias asks quietly, curious. His hand trails down from face, along my jawline, before dropping. I shiver slightly.

"Nothing. Just some — nothing."

He looks at me strangely.

"What happened that night?" he asks, his brows furrowed. I want to kiss that little crease right in between. "By the Chasm, I mean."

I blush. "I'd rather not talk about it. Oh, I never returned your jacket!"

He laughs a little, and my stomach does a back flip. "By all means, keep it." Then his expression becomes serious. "Are you homesick?"

I stare. "What? No! I made my own choice. I am happy about it."

Tobias nods. "Then what made you cry?"

Earth, swallow me up now. I can't help wishing now he had never seen me in that moment of weakness. But inside, I know I don't; I needed him then. If he hadn't held me that night, I would have been broken. But this is so embarrassing.

"I told you, I don't want to talk about it."

Tobias looks at me sternly. "Tris —" But he is interrupted by the horn of the train. I have never been gladder of its arrival.

"Looks like the train is here," I say, clearing my throat. God, this is awkward. "Let's go."

* * *

 **How was it? I know Tris dreaming scenes after her death is completely illogical, but I couldn't resist! Please review and tell me what you think about this chapter. Did I do justice to the events?**

 **A little note for you guys... My writing speed is about to slow down drastically, any day now. So please don't mind a little hang up in the middle. I'm not giving up on this fic. I have loads of exams coming up, keeping me busy until May. But anyway, I'll try my best to keep up my pace.**

 **Meanwhile, tell me what you think about what Tris' new fears should be. I am still waiting for answers!**

 **Until next time :)**


	5. Greater Heights

**A quick update for you, to make up for possible delays in the future! Thanks for all the reads, reviews, faves and follows! And special thanks to IceFire15, paula'08, jessym1988 and Echo In The Whispering Wind for reviewing all the chapters so far :)**

 **Also, thank you to all for your suggestions for this story. Hope not to disappoint you :D**

* * *

The next morning, while hurrying to find a table at the crowded Dauntless cafeteria, I run into Uriah. I woke up late, and was the last one to leave the dorm.

"Hey!" I grin up at his chocolate eyes.

"Hello!" He laughs. "It's my favourite-first-jumper-Dauntless-prodigy-Stiff! Good morning."

"I'm not that good," I blush. "It's T— Four who is the Dauntless prodigy. And are you going to call me that?" I laugh. "Tris is much more convenient."

"Tris, hmm." He feigns thinking. "How about I call you Trissy?"

"No!" I punch him playfully on his arm. " _Never_ call me that!"

"Point, taken," he winks, " _Trissy._ "

I chase him around the tables, ignoring the way my muscles ache from the fight with Peter, and he evades me, laughing.

"Alright, stop!" He laughs, panting. "You give quite a chase, woman. Come on, join me at our table."

I take him up on his offer and follow him to the table, where Marlene is already waiting. I smile more than I should at her at our first meeting, but it is really good to see her whole again, just as she was, beautiful. Over time, I had come to really like her.

"Tris, Marlene," Uriah introduces. "Marlene, Tris."

"Yes, I know you. First jumper, huh?" Marlene gives me a good-natured smile. "You gave us quite a surprise there."

"Is it that much of an achievement? For me to become famous for it?" I ask.

"Especially because you are a Stiff." Marlene nods.

"But don't worry, you are also known for your masterful moves in getting on and off trains," Uriah adds. "Seriously, I was impressed."

"Uriah, you make too much of it." I blush again.

"That's mainly because he tumbled right off the train the first time he tried to get in," Marlene says, snickering. "He'd have stayed on the ground, bawling, had Zeke not grabbed him in time."

"I was seven, Mar. Give it a break." Uriah pouts. I can't help laugh at their easy chemistry. They really are meant to be together. I double check my mental ' to save' list beside Uriah and Marlene's names for probably the twentieth time.

"What's the _Stiff_ doing here?" I look up at the sharp voice. It's Lynn.

"Hi to you too, Lynn," I sigh, before freezing. Uh, oh. I am not supposed to know her.

All the three stare at me.

"How do you know her name?" Marlene and Uriah say at the same time, and then look at each other. I would have smiled at their coincidence, except that I am too busy trying to think up an excuse for my extra knowledge.

"I — Four mentioned," I say finally, picking my lie. "Her elder sister Shauna is his friend, isn't she?"

"Yep," Lynn says, flopping down beside me. "But it doesn't explain why you are here."

"Don't be rude, Lynn," Uriah reprimands. "She is here because I wanted her to. There's plenty of Dauntless in her." He looks at me, his eyes wide. "You are on close terms with Four?"

"No!" I can't help my blush. "I — we just talked, once or twice. Chance."

Uriah nods. "He's a very closed sort of guy."

I look at his plate, where he has piled a veritable mountain of the chocolate cake, as usual. "You are not going to eat all that cake, are you?" I grin.

"Of course I am. But if you ask nicely, I can let you have a little bit. Like, this much." He shows me a tiny space between his index finger and thumb.

"Don't mind him," Marlene laughs, "he is crazy about Dauntless cake."

"And crazy about you," Uriah quips.

"Pansycake," Lynn grumbles. She isn't too happy about Uriah's flirting with Marlene.

I say goodbye to the three of them after breakfast. Christina looks at me questioningly as I come upon them.

"Where have you been all morning?" Al and Will look curious too.

"Just meeting some friends," I say, the smile still on my face. I resist adding the 'old' with difficulty.

-o0o-

It's barely been a minute since my head hit the pillow when the door to the dorm opens, and men with flashlights walk in. It's time for Capture the Flag, I realise as Eric starts speaking. I start scanning for familiar faces in the crowd of the intruders, only to be caught up in Tobias' face. And of course, I forget all about what is going on, that I am supposed to move. He stares on at me, neither of us breaking the gaze.

"Did you go deaf, Stiff?" Eric's demand brings me to attention. Once again, I have to suffer for the loss of my Abnegation traits, hurrying over to get dressed.

No one takes notice of us as we run across the Pit. It doesn't surprise me anymore; not many people care what goes on in the Dauntless headquarters. Not much surprises anyone here, or even if it does, they don't show it.

My bruises hurt as I run with everyone else, but not as much as last time. We hurry over to the tracks and grab the paintball guns kept out for us, and then board the train. This time I don't feel nervous. In fact, don't quite even feel excited. Dare I admit it, Tobias' lecture even feels boring. I tune out the words, focusing on his deep, rumbling voice instead. It feels nice.

"Let's divide up transfers first, shall we?" Eric says.

"You go first," Tobias says.

Eric shrugs. "Edward."

Tobias leans against the door, looking the very picture of a bored, disinterested person. I smile to myself. I wonder how much of it is an act.

"I want the Stiff," he says. I try not to look too happy, but I don't think I am successful; I feel flattered that he chose me first. How long was it since he started to care for me?

As Tobias picks up his team members, I appreciate his strategy. It is undeniable that having small, fleet-footed members gives him an advantage over Eric; this is a game of speed and strategy, not brute force.

As I prepare to jump of the train, someone shoves me. Obviously one of the devil trio. I stumble, but my balance is good now, so I manage to take it better than last time. Gritting my teeth, I quickly jump off.

We start walking, and I watch Marlene flirt with Tobias. Oddly enough, I have to suppress the incredibly strong urge to shove her off and growl, 'Mine'. Why can't she hook up with Uriah already and leave my man alone? _Childish, Tris. Stop being so possessive over someone you haven't even got yet._ At least he jerks her hand off and acts distant enough with her; it makes me feel better.

"We're close to Erudite headquarters, right?" asks Christina, bumping Will's shoulder with her own. I grin; is she aware of the closeness that's been brewing between them? No, she does not; she had told me so last time.

"Yeah. It's south of here," Will says. I can't help look in the said direction. Caleb is there. What is he doing now? Poring over books with glasses on his nose which he does not need, or drinking in all the lies Jeanine says? I hate being this helpless, knowing what he is potentially becoming; I want to make him understand and bring him back home. But even as I think that I know that Abnegation was never really home for him. He was always an Erudite. I wonder what would happen if his genetic configuration wasn't like it is; would he be the loving brother I thought he was? But then I quickly banish the thought; I had gone through everything I did because I did not believe in the Bureau's view. I won't think like them. I know that Caleb is no more damaged than I am, whatever the scientists may say. His thirst for knowledge is not a bad thing. It doesn't reduce his potential to love. He is just misguided. At least that is what I try to tell myself. It doesn't change that he was instrumental in the death of our parents and in the destruction of our faction. It doesn't change that he sold me, his own sister, out. Was he even really grieved when Mom and Dad died, or was it also an act? My head pounds with anger as I think about it.

And yet I can't really hate him enough to want him dead. He is a coward, but he is my brother. He was frightened, but he still agreed to go to his death. At least he felt guilty. At least he is human. And while a part of me wants to condemn him for all he might, or will, do, and be done with it, the rest of me rebels. I came back to save those I love. Maybe I can save him too, from himself. From Jeanine.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I break out my musings at the quiet voice to find Tobias at my side. I gasp in surprise, and then blush.

"Nothing," I say quietly. "Just thinking about my brother. He transferred to Erudite."

"Do you miss him?" he asks.

"I—" It's difficult to say. Do I? "I suppose. We were close. But now... I am not sure if I ever knew him well after all." I doubt if I ever will. I never understand the motives behind his actions. We are so different.

"It happens sometimes," he says thoughtfully. "You think you know a person enough, and then it turns out that you were wrong." I stare at him. I wonder if he is talking about his mother. Tobias gives a little nod and then walks ahead, taking the lead of the group again.

"What did he say?" Christina asks curiously, catching up with me, Will at her side.

"Nothing," I say distantly. It's good talking to him. I wonder what is it that made him come forward this time. Did I look too pensive?

We near the marsh, near which on a strip of land, the Ferris wheel looms.

"Think about it. People used to ride that thing. For fun," says Will, shaking his head.

"They must have been Dauntless," I say. I think of the people when this huge wheel was actually used. I think of the plane I once flew in. If this is a mode of mass entertainment and that a mode of transport, the people in general before the Experiments were really brave. But then I think of being high up in the air in those cars, looking at the blue sky and the deep blue of the enormous stretch of water in the lake down below, and I can't help wish that I could see what it was like.

"Yeah, but a lame version of Dauntless." Christina laughs. "A Dauntless Ferris wheel wouldn't have cars. You would just hang on tight with your hands, and good luck to you." I guess she is right on that one.

We reach the marsh, the edge of the broken buildings.

"Dare you to jump into the marsh," says Christina to Will.

"You first." I smile at their interaction, saying nothing.

Once Tobias asks for a strategy, of course, everyone starts taking at once.

I drift off from the group, my eyes straying to Tobias instead. He is looking up at the dark sky, his gun resting on his shoulder. His eyes are calm, thoughtful. He looks so comfortable with the gun. I wish it were not so. His entire life as I have seen it was centered around the gun, and even before, there was the belt, the shouting. Too much violence, much more than anyone should suffer. But circumstances made Tobias into Four; maybe all that violence too has contributed for shaping him up into what he is.

Shying away from the debate that has been brewing up among my teammates, I unobtrusively make my way towards the Ferris Wheel. _Whoa_. I had forgotten just how tall it is. The massive structure looms over me like a towering monster as I look up at it. I don't really need to climb it and risk my life this time. I know where Eric's team is hiding their flag. I could side with the plan of one of my teammates, and lead them to the spot without revealing that I know where exactly it is. This much of acting I can manage. Why should I risk my neck without meaning, for a game, when I don't even need to?

But I find myself gripping one of the rungs, and I know that I am going to do this, not because I have to, because I _want_ to. All the time of being a Dauntless has added some of their recklessness in me, and after all the crazy things I have done, this doesn't seem like the biggest risk I am taking. It doesn't feel terrifying or even worrisome; it feels like a challenge. A game. Fun.

I support my weight on the second rung and place my feet on the bottom one.

"Tris," a low voice says behind me. _Yes_. I turn around, hoping that Tobias doesn't have the vision of a cat, because I just can't wipe that goofy grin which has bloomed on my face.

I look at Tobias, standing behind me with his gun slung across his back. He looks so handsome. Well, he always does. Ugh, there I go again, mooning around.

"Yes?" I say.

"I came to find out what you think you're doing."

 _I am trying to steal you away._ It's so difficult not to say the words out loud. I feel ridiculously happy; I want to smile and laugh, and I don't know why. Tobias will think I am crazy.

"I'm seeking higher ground," I say, settling for the sensible answer. "I don't _think_ I'm doing anything."

I see his smile in the dark. I makes me smile wider. I wonder if he can see that I am grinning like a loon right now. "All right. I'm coming."

 _Yes, please_. Okay, now I am really insane. But the thought of Tobias alone with me makes my heart sing. But will I make him go through one of his greatest fears to get what I want?

"You don't have to," I say, giving him a chance. "I'll be fine."

"Undoubtedly," he says, smiling. I turn back and start climbing quickly, to hide the smile on my face. Tobias begins to follow when I am a few feet off the ground.

The wind gradually picks up speed as we climb higher. I am aiming for the platform in the center; it seems so far away.

"Am I ever going to find out why you were crying?" Tobias says quietly as he climbs after me.

"Must you bring it up?" I ask, unable to keep the whine from my voice. "It's embarrassing."

"Don't be," he says. "Everyone has their weaknesses. Most initiates cry at least once after joining Dauntless."

"You didn't."

"No," he admits. "But that doesn't mean anything."

"Only that you are way stronger than everyone else." I smile to myself, taking pride in the man I love.

"You make me sound nicer than I am," he says. I can hear the shyness in his voice. If only he could get past that streak of self-doubting.

"No, just stating the truth. Anyone would agree on that."

He doesn't say anything, but I know he is smiling.

"It's not the usual cause," I say after a pause. I don't want him to ever think that I regret my choice.

"Then what is it?"

"I... can't tell you. At least not for now."

I can hear him sigh over the wind.

"Curious, aren't you?" I say, smiling.

"Only concerned," he replies.

"There are many other candidates deserving of your concern. Al, for instance." I laugh a little, and then stifle it quickly. I am forgetting myself; my way of interacting with Tobias is too informal for something between an instructor and an initiate. Especially an intimidating, guarded instructor like him.

Thankfully, he doesn't seem to mind it. "You are impossible." He huffs. "Forget it, then."

I stifle a laugh and keep on climbing. The rungs are hard under my hands, but I keep having a difficult time separating the present and my first time. I imagine Tobias' cool hand on my hip, when he had supported me last time, and my hand slips. I clamber hurriedly to regain my grip. _Focus, Tris._

"So tell me…" Tobias breaks the silence as we gain height. He sounds breathless. The fear is setting in. "What do you think the purpose of this exercise is? The game, I mean, not the climbing."

"Learning about strategy," I say. "Teamwork, maybe." Maybe the factions won't work out in the long term, but they are still important to me. I have understood what being a Dauntless actually means now. My experiences taught me. Tobias taught me.

"Teamwork," he repeats. A laugh hitches in his throat, a panicked little sound.

"Maybe not," I say. "Teamwork doesn't seem to be a Dauntless priority. But... but it should be. Like it was meant to be. Bravery is nothing without cooperation. And thinking."

"It's supposed to be a priority. It used to be."

 _Before Eric,_ I think to myself. _Before the the Erudite._

"You know a lot for an Abnegation transfer," Tobias comments. I freeze. Oh no. _Did I say it all out loud?_

"You did," Tobias says. I almost fall off in shock. Why am I spewing out my thoughts?

"Care to elaborate?" Tobias asks. He is breathing hard.

"Never mind," I mumble, increasing my pace. As if that would help me evade him. I am messing everything up; what a fool I am. I am having second thoughts about not putting down my foot more firmly against Tobias' coming with me.

Tobias evidently senses my discomfort, because he doesn't persist. "Now tell me…," he says through a bursting breath, "what do you think learning strategy has to do with…bravery?" I sigh in relief. I love having this type of conversation with him; I love him as an instructor as much as I love him as a boyfriend. Or to-be boyfriend. If my luck favors me.

"It prepares you to act," I say. "You learn strategy so you can use it." I can hear him hyperventilating below me.

"Just a little longer." I try to comfort him. "We are nearly there."

"I'm not—" he gives up whatever defense he was about to put up. "Are you even _human_ , Tris? Being up this high," he gasps, "It doesn't scare you at all?"

"Not when you're with me," I murmur so quietly that he can't hear.

I look down at the ground below me. It's so far below. So many feet away. The familiar fear grips me again; if I fall now...

A gust of strong wind blows, staggering me off balance. My body is too light, and I my footing slips. I can't help it; a scream tears through me. For a moment I am hanging from the rung only with my hands. But then, Tobias is supporting me, his hand cool and firm on my hip, bringing my earlier fantasy, or memory, to life. I regain my hold, gasping.

"Steady now," he says, holding me until I am firmly on my feet again. "You okay?"

"Y-yes." I breathe hard, looking back at him with wide eyes. My heart is beating at the double, and I am not sure if it is because of the fall, or because of him.

The rest of our climb is silent. My feet reach the platform with utter gratitude. I have done this before, but I don't feel like it. If anything, I feel even more strung up than last time. But entire body feels tight with energy, bursting, and yet, I feel like sagging with relief. Reminding myself of Tobias, I quickly shift over to give him space. He needs to sit down more than I do. I can only guess what battling with his fears, in reality, not the fearscape, must have done to him. My legs swing in the air as I sit on the platform. There is a strange freedom in this, despite the knowledge that I can all too easily be hurled hundreds of metres down to my death. Tobias crouches, leaning against the metal bars, regaining his breath. It's easy to see that every muscle in his body is coiled with tension. He is afraid, and trying to gain control.

"So, heights?" I ask him with a small smile. I want him to open up to me.

"Yes," he sighs after a beat of silence. "You're wondering how I survive in the Dauntless, aren't you?"

I had, the last time. Now I know. I know just how brave he is, and how strong.

"I ignore my fear," he says, taking my silence for affirmative. "When I make decisions, I pretend it doesn't exist."

I lick my dry lips. I want to say something, praise him, or at least tell him what I think of him. He is braver than any man I have ever seen. He feels that he doesn't belong to Dauntless, but there is no one more deserving of this faction. But he is also more. He is more than any faction. Unbounded. Free.

I want to say all this, but I can't, because whatever I say, it won't be enough. I just stare at him, wondering how listening to what I already have once can make my love for him grow, because it is doing so.

"What?" he asks quietly.

I blush, and look away. "Nothing." _I just hate holding myself back from you._

I look out at the distance, at the stretch of darkness which is, though our people don't yet know it by its name, Chicago. Our city. I wonder how it was before the war took place. It must have been a large, beautiful place to live in. Lively. I can't see the spot where Eric's team hid their flag. The dark shapes of the buildings hide it. For that, I need to climb higher. I feel my heart beat faster as I think of what I'll have to do. Last time, I nearly died doing this. Am I going to risk it again? But then, there is no way I can back down now. How will I explain the location of the flag to Tobias if I can't show it to him? There is no choice in this matter.

"We're not high enough," I say. I look up. Above me is a tangle of white bars, the wheel's scaffolding. It doesn't look too appealing, with the knowledge of how hard it is to balance myself between them.

Tobias stares at me like I am insane. I don't blame him. "You're not —"

"I'm going to climb," I confirm, holding a metal bar and pulling myself up. "I can't see them from here." My limbs hurts a little as I put force on the bruises that my fight with Peter earned me.

Tobias shakes his head. "This is a game, Tris. Don't risk your life because of this."

"I'm going." I stand my ground.

"For God's sake, Stiff," he growls, frustrated. He stands up from his crouching position.

"You don't have to follow me," I say, putting my foot between a tangle of bars. I don't know if I can manage alone, but I don't want to put Tobias through this. _I've done this before_ , I tell myself. _I can handle it._

"Yes, I do," he replies, grabbing hold of a metal bar that my feet have left. I have to look ahead now; I don't turn.

"Why?" I can't help the question.

"Because," he huffs a heavy breath, swinging himself up after me. "Because I want to." He pauses a little, as if uncertain if he should say anything. "Now come on with your crazy plan, if there's nothing I can do to change your mind." Back to instructor mode.

My heart skips a beat. I don't know if he even means it like I want him to, but I can't stop myself from hoping. I look around towards him. My eyes dart to Tobias' handsome face for a second, and then involuntarily shift south.

And God, it's not easy at all. Not even a bit easier than the first time. The wind whistles through my hair, and as I see the land far, far away, I can think only to easily how I can fall any moment. Like Rita's sister. _Whom you let fall to her death,_ a voice snaps in my head. The scene flashes before me for a second. I could have saved her. I should have saved her. But I didn't.

"Tris." Tobias' voice brings me to reality. _Yes. Snap out of it. Don't forget yourself now._ Tobias is following me too, and he is facing his fears for me. I can't lose myself. Not now.

Looking ahead, I begin climbing up. With all my focus on putting my feet on the right place, the job seems easier. Before long, we are at a height from where I can see the whole city, the buildings tall and dark against the deep blue sky. I know where to look, and spot what I want without difficulty.

"See that?" I point. Tobias stops right against me, his breath fluttering near my hair. I can feel the desire coursing through me. The air around seems to be charged, electric. And suddenly I begin to doubt how long I can hold on.

"Yeah," Tobias says; I can feel him smile. "Figures. It's surrounded by open space, but the trees provide some camouflage. Obviously not enough."

"Okay." I turn around to look at him, and immediately wish I hadn't; I am lost in his dark eyes, and the way his nose is hooked, and the downward curve of his lip, which lift up when he smiles, and that scar on his chin, and I can't help think how desperately I want to kiss him, now.

"Um," I say, "Climb down." The tension is unbearable. He nods and carefully begins to move downwards.

 _One step after the other_. The most dangerous part is what comes now. I try to remember exactly where it was that the rung broke, but they all seem identical. I don't know, I can only guess. Below me, I can see Tobias moving carefully. His hands are red and shaking. I want to hold them and calm him down, except that I myself need to take care of where I am stepping.

I swear I was going very, very carefully, testing each metal footing before resting my weight on it. And yet when I put one foot on a metal bar, it goes down clattering. I gasp as all of a sudden, I find my feet on thin air, my hands gripping the bar above the only support keeping me from falling down, down, down.

"Four!" I scream out to him. It takes me all my conscious control not to call him by his real name.

"Hold on!" he shouts. "Just hold on, I have an idea." And starts climbing down at a rapid pace.

My arms are sweaty. I have to hold on. I feel myself hanging from the Chasm, its cold water splashing on my back. I feel myself barely managing to hold as I lean from the railing, the cascade below me, during Peter's attempt to kill me. Watching Rita cry for her sister. Jumping down the building with Tobias in his fear landscape. I will fall, I will fall. No, I must hold on. Hold on.

The fear is real and fresh, and if possible, even greater than last time. I don't know how long I can last. The only advantage this time is that I have complete faith in Tobias. Come on. Fast, please. I don't want to die now, not without succeeding in anything I came back for.

And then I find myself moving downwards. _Yes, yes, oh, thank you! T_ obias did it. He moved the Ferris Wheel. As I move down towards the ground, hanging to the metal bar, I admire just how strong he is, singlehandedly moving the giant structure. The ground rushes up towards me, and seeing my chance, I leap. I touch the ground. I am safe.

I remain where I am, composing myself, my eyes shut. I feel Tobias take hold of my wrists. He encloses my hands with his larger ones, and their warmth is all I need to feel better. Calmness comes quicker under his influence.

"You all right?" he asks, our hands still entwined.

"Yeah," I say a little unsteadily. "Thank you."

He starts to laugh.

It is such a beautiful sound, and I am suddenly struck by the fact that it's been so long that I have last heard him laugh. It was... I can't even recall. For so long, the maximum I have had with him is his soft, shy smiles. It's so long since we laughed together. And as I see how his face becomes younger, more carefree, and his eyes almost close, and yet not completely, still showing those beautiful blue orbs, I laugh too.

The distance between us is so little now, less that six inches. I can feel the emotions swirling inside me, and our proximity is too much. Without thinking, I brush my lips against his laughing mouth. For a couple of seconds, everything is perfect, heavenly. I am where I want to be, how I want to be. But as I feel him freeze against me, I realise just what I am doing. I pull away quickly.

"I— I'm sorry," I stutter, looking away from him. "I didn't think — I sh-shouldn't have —" My face is on flames. Oh God, no. Whatever possessed me to do this? After all those times I controlled myself... This is too early. He's not ready. Now I have made a mess of everything, and Tobias will never like me —

Tobias' fingers latch under my chin and tilt my face up. His eyes are curious, a shy half-smile playing on his lips. And then he lowers his head, letting our lips brush, just a little.

"Don't be," he whispers. I just stare at him, awestruck, marveling. It's too good to be true. For sometime, we are silent, just staring at each other. Then, hesitatingly, he takes hold of my arm. Half walking, half limping, I let myself be guided. All the while, I can't stop smiling.

The rest of the game goes just as nicely as last time. I don't even mind Christina's patronizing claim to the flag. I'm just too happy.

Our team cheers, Christina on their shoulders, as I watch, grinning, from the side. A hand touches my shoulder.

"Well done," Tobias says, smiling. And with a light kiss on my cheek, he melts into the crowd. I stand where I am, touching my cheek, which is growing hot. I am not sure if I can smile any harder.

This is a night of joy. And the game is the least cause of it.


	6. Hurts

**So here's the next chapter. Thanks for all the support and love! What I'd do without you guys I don't know :)**

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The next morning it's a challenge to open my eyes. My whole body screams for more sleep, my muscles aching with exhaustion. But all around me, my dorm mates are getting up, so I force myself to do the same. The memory of my kiss with Tobias last night flashes in my mind, and it refreshes me infinitely more effectively. I skip across to the bathroom, getting ready quickly, a smile on my face. I can't wait to see him.

I was so afraid last night that I had screwed up everything. But now things have become so much better. No need to wait for another week to make a move. No need to pretend. To put myself through the dreadful job of distancing myself from him. There is a spring in my step as I walk to breakfast.

"Someone seems happy today," Will comments as I walk with him, Christina and Al.

"It's a nice day." I just smile.

"She's still drunk from yesterday's win, I guess." Christina laughs. "Can't blame her. I am too."

"I am the only unlucky one here, it seems," Al grumbles playfully.

"Don't be sad, brother." Will slaps him on his back. "I didn't do anything to take the credit of the win. Same boat."

"At least you were on the winning team."

"Your hulking figure was your downfall, Al."

"Hey, look who's talking. I can't see you as a scrawny shrimp."

"Unlike Tris here," Will teases.

"Hey!" I punch him on the shoulder. "This scrawny shrimp can pack a punch."

"Ow. Sure it can." Will mournfully massages his shoulder, but his celery-green eyes sparkle.

I tap my feet impatiently as I bite into a buttered toast, waiting for Tobias' arrival. My lips are still set in a smile which I can barely suppress.

I find him as soon as he steps into the cafeteria. He looks even more handsome than ever, with his freshly showered hair and the tight black T-shirt covering his hard toned muscles. His eyes have dark circles beneath them, and his posture is a little slouched. He is obviously as tired as we all are. He makes his way towards Zeke and Shauna. In the way, his eyes, scanning the cafeteria with practiced ease, find me. I lift my hand to wave at him, my smile bright, my face heated. Our eyes remain on each other for a moment longer.

His gaze is unfeeling. Expressionless. And then he looks away.

I can feel my smile melt right off my face. I let my hand flop down to the table. So much for hoping.

 _It's just like last time,_ I try to tell myself. _He doesn't want to show our relationship in public, so he is acting this way._ But what are we? Is this...whatever is between us, if there is something at all, worthy of being called a relationship? Me losing my head and him reciprocating my gesture in the most minimalistic way possible, does that even change things between us? A sudden fear grips me. What if... what if he only kissed me so that I don't feel bad? Does anyone even do that? I don't have any experience in dating other than with Tobias himself; there is nothing that helps me analyze the situation. Maybe... maybe he doesn't even like me yet. Is he just playing around with me? No, Tobias isn't like that. I shouldn't doubt him. If I can't trust him, I can't trust anyone. But what _did_ happen between us? What should I expect from him? Should I expect anything at all? Ugh... At the moment, I just want to tear my hair and bang my head against the table.

"You okay, Tris?" Christina asks, her brown eyes concerned. "You look a little down."

 _You okay?_ I can all too easily remember his deep blue eyes looking at me, his hand holding mine, his laughter. Yesterday night. Was it just last night? It doesn't even feel like it anymore.

I just shrug, evading her question. I toy with my bacon; my appetite is gone. Once everyone is done eating, I push away my half-finished breakfast and follow my friends to the training room.

Eric stands in the middle of the room, his posture rigid and straight. The corners of his eyes keep twitching. He is definitely not pleased about losing last night.

"Tomorrow will be the last day of stage one," Eric says when all the initiates are together. "You will resume fighting then. Today, you'll be learning how to aim. Everyone pick up three knives."

Oh, joy. The day just turned a hundred times worse. My stomach churns unpleasantly as I recall without trouble what is to happen, soon.

"And pay attention while Four demonstrates the correct technique for throwing them." At first no one moves. I know resistance is useless, but I don't want to be the first one to come forward and bring all the attention to myself.

"Now!"

At once, everyone scrambles to get their knives.

"He's in a bad mood today," Christina comments.

"Is he ever in a good mood?" I mumble. "Jerk."

This lesson is probably the easiest of the lot. Killing Will gave me a dread of the gun, but I am comfortable with knives. I watch carefully as Tobias demonstrates the technique, forcing myself to focus on his posture and movements rather than him. Thinking about him not only gives me a scope to daydream, which I so don't want now, it also brings to heel all these fears and uncertainties that have been troubling me since his less than welcome reception early in the morning. I don't need those worries, not now. I know that I can do this, but I am a little out of practice. I need to focus before I try.

"Line up!" Eric barks, pacing like a predator close to us. His presence around me still unsettles me in the most unpleasant way.

"I think the Stiff's taken too many hits to the head!" remarks Peter, a few people down. "Hey, Stiff! Remember what a _knife_ is?" I ignore him. _Idiot._ I close my eyes once, momentarily, remembering, feeling the familiarity course through me. I don't even need Tobias' guidance on this; my past will guide me.

Inhaling slowly, I poise myself for the throw. And with an exhale, the knife goes flying out my hand. Perfect. It hits right on the target, and sticks to it, slamming hard. I grin at Peter, who hasn't managed to hit the target yet.

"Hey, Peter," I say. "Remember what a _target_ is?" The scowl on his face is such a treat.

As the practice continues, I begin to enjoy myself more and more. I realize that any initiate would have enjoyed this too, had the threat of elimination not been hanging over their head. My confidence, grown with my experience, is what is making me cool and composed.

I look around, checking if anyone is looking at me. Tobias' eyes had been burning onto me throughout practice. It makes me jittery; after all this time with him, I had thought that I'd learnt to read him well, but now, back in time, his walls are up again, and I just can't look past the barrier of his blue eyes. Thankfully, at the moment, Tobias is busy instructing Myra, who, although doing better than her fights, has not been making too much progress, and Eric is prowling at the other end of the room, his eyes away. All the other initiates are busy with their knives. I smile to myself, letting a mischievous little idea take action.

I position myself as required, focusing on the target. And then I close my eyes. _Three, two, one!_ And I let the knife go. I open my eyes to the sound of my knife hitting the target. Not bull's eye, but close. I have to resist the urge to jump up and down and clap my hands like a three years old. I can't prevent my satisfied grin as I run my finger over the blade of a new knife.

But my happiness dissipates very quickly as I spy Al's face on the far end of the room. He hasn't been able to hit the target even once by now.

"Al!" I hiss, hoping that my call won't catch Eric's attention. "You can do it. Just focus!"

He looks up at the sound of my voice, and then nodding, tries again. He misses the target yet again, but the knife went closer this time.

Half an hour is over too soon, as and we all reach to pull our knives from the board. Al hunts for his on the floor.

"How slow are you, Candor?" Eric demands, marching up to him. "Do you need glasses? Should I move the target closer to you?"

I purse my lips. Al could have done better, if he had been focusing at all, and if Eric wasn't bring such a bully. At his words, Al flushes red, and throws his knife thoughtlessly, aimlessly at the board. It misses by the widest margin possible.

I ball my hands into fists, seeing Eric accost Al. I wish that the two events hadn't been so close together — Eric's loss in Capture the Flag, and Al being miserable at knife-throwing.

"Stand in front of the target," Eric commands. I want to punch him, hard. Al's face is white as he complies.

"Hey Four," Eric calls to Tobias leaning against the wall. "Give me a hand here, huh?" Tobias looks bored, but his eyes are hard. Tensed.

"You're going to stand there as he throws those knives," Eric says to Al, "until you learn not to flinch."

"Is this really necessary?" says Tobias. He voice is still the same bored monotone, but this is a challenge. As a mere instructor, he is not supposed to question a leader. Eric narrows his eyes at him. The two have a silent staring match, the two kinds of Dauntless — the honorable, true one, and the ruthless, brutal one.

"I have the authority here, remember?" Eric says very quietly. "Here, and everywhere else." Color rushes to Tobias' face, but he still keeps his expression neutral, with just that little intimidating, dark gaze.

All this while, I had been having a silent debate with myself. I trust Tobias and I know what he is capable of; he will not hurt Al. The smart option here would be to keep my mouth shut and look on. Who knows, maybe this will even bring out the best in Al. But all the while, Al's white face in front of the target acts like a punch in the face and to my argument. I stood up for Christina; will I not stand up for him? Why should I bow down to Eric's tyranny, warping the true values of Dauntless to something so much worse, egging on people like Peter and Drew, making us barbarians, bullies, the cruelest of factions in the truest way?

And then Eric's snub at Tobias comes, and the debate just slips away in a haze of anger and hatred.

"No," I say. I don't raise my voice; I don't need to. The room is deathly quiet. Tobias freezes. If looks could have killed, I would have dropped to the floor, withered and dry. His eyes burn in their ferocity. But I force myself to ignore him and look away. Eric stops and turns towards me slowly.

"Did I just hear you say something, Stiff?" he asks, his voice dangerously soft. It makes my heart stagger a little. But I don't let myself be snubbed.

"Just because you think you have a lot of authority, 'here and everywhere else'", I imitate his voice; Eric's eyes narrow, "doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. Any idiot can stand in front of a target. It doesn't mean anything other than that you are bullying us. And that, Eric, is _cowardice_. Wasn't that what Dauntless wanted to eradicate?"

The tension in the room could be cut through with a knife, it is so tight. Everyone seems to be holding their breath. Peter and his friends smirk in anticipation. Christina and Will look stricken, shaking their heads in silence. Al is pale and still by the target. And Tobias just seems to want to turn me into stone.

Eric gives a sigh of mock suffering. "Oh dear, someone's heroic streak seems to be showing up again. Feeling that sorry for your stupid boyfriend, Stiff?" My face heats up. Tobias' lips tighten into a very thin line. "Then I think you stand in front of the target instead of him, if you think it's that simple."

I glare at him, and walk over towards Al's face. I am not afraid. I trust Tobias. And I don't mind that nick in the ear. Maybe I deserve it for being stupid. For being brave.

I face the room as Al walks by me, giving a little nod. _Deep breath, now. It's okay._

Tobias reluctantly steps forward.

"If you flinch," he says, slowly, carefully. At that moment, looking into his ice-cold eyes, I feel all the doubts of the morning rush up to me. But I trust him. I believe in him. "Al takes your place. Understand?"

I nod, my chin tipped up. Tobias poises, tense like a live wire, his hand in position.

"No, wait, wait, wait!" Eric's voice snaps through the silence. I blink at him. What now?

"Step back, Four," he says. "I don't think you'll be needed." Tobias' eyes show momentary relief, mingled with confusion. He places the knife on the table and backs off to the wall. I stare at Eric, puzzled. A reprieve?

"Christina." Eric's voice is quiet, quieter than ever. "Step forward." Christina obliges, her eyes wide and confused.

"Your friend did a very good job of keeping you company at the Chasm that day," he says silkily. "I think you should return the favor.

"Wh-what?" Christina stutters. If there was silence in the room earlier, I don't know what to call it now. A pin drop would sound like a gunshot.

"You are going to throw knives at her. Each time she flinches adds three more throws."

"You can't make initiates throw knives at each other," Tobias speaks up, his voice quiet but with a dangerous edge to it. "They have only just learnt it."

Eric looks at him with a steady stare. "Remember what I was saying, Four, when the Stiff interrupted us? I have authority. You didn't take your chance when you got it. Don't. Interfere. With. My. Work. You know where you belong, stay there." Eric's tone is insulting in the extreme; Tobias' fists shake as he steps back. I want to say something, but my throat is dry. My heart's hammering in my ribcage. What is happening? I had never anticipated that my actions would bring out this outcome.

Eric looks back. "So Christina. Get on with it."

Christina's eyes are terrified. Her lithe frame trembles as she stands. "N-no."

"If you don't do it," Eric's voice is all but a whisper. "You'll be cut."

Christina's chin trembles, but she stands resolute. "I—"

"Do it," I manage to croak. I clear my throat. "Do it, Christina. It's okay."

A tear rolls down her cheek. She picks up a knife. "I am sorry, Tris."

"Don't try to intentionally throw waywardly," Eric growls. His eyes are alight with malicious pleasure. This is his revenge for his loss last night. "Or I will make you throw until you can hit _perfectly on target_."

Taking a shaky breath, Christina throws the knife. I hear the sound of wind whooshing. My hair flies up a little, and there is the bang of metal on wood. The knife hit an inch above my head.

I release a shuddering breath which I didn't know I was holding. My legs tremble; I put all my effort at keeping myself steady. I force myself not to look at anyone — Will, Al, Tobias. I stare resolutely at the glinting tip of Christina's knife. I don't want to admit it, but I have seldom been so frightened in my life.

"Now," Eric barks. Christina lets out a small sob, but throws. A whoosh and a bang again. Suddenly I feel the cool hardness of metal against my neck. It missed me by a millimeter.

I lick my dry lips. _It's almost over. Don't flinch. Steady, now._

The knife comes at me a third time. This time there is no bang. I gasp as the pain explodes in my shoulder. Tilting my head a little, I see it — the knife blade buried in my shoulder. Blood, deep red, trickles out.

Christina chokes out a sob, covering her mouth with her hand; tears run down her face in rivulets. "Stop it," she moans. "Enough!" All around the room, gasps and whispers break out.

"I would love to stay and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is," says Eric, his voice smooth, "but I think that's enough for today." He steps close to me, pulling the knife from my shoulder. He brushes the blood away. His touch is dry and cold.

"Well done," he says, his eyes superior and claiming.

"D-don't touch me!" I jerk away from him.

"I should keep an eye on you," he says, and with one last of that sinister smile, walks away.

"Tris!" Christina hurries towards me. "Tris, I'm so sorry, I —"

"It's okay," I try to bring a smile on my face, but fail miserably. "I'll just — talk to you in a while. Now, just please, I want to be alone."

Al stares at my wound worriedly, which is still oozing blood. "We need to get this patched up..."

"I'll manage." I succeed in a feeble twitch of my lip which looks more like a grimace than a grin. "Please, guys, just leave me alone. For a little while."

They look torn, Christina still crying, but they leave. Finally, the training room is empty. I sag against the wall, touching my shoulder. It comes sticky with my blood. All the strength which I had forced inside leaves me in a shot; my whole body starts trembling violently.

But when I look up, I find that I am not alone. Tobias stands near the door, his eyes clear, trained on me. As we make eye contact, he walks towards me. His hand lifts towards my wound. "Is your —"

Surprising even me, a mirthless laugh bubbles up in me. "Oh, feeling very concerned _now_ , are you? Why? What happened to all that non-carishness? Ran out of walls to block out the world with?"

Tobias steps back, his expression hurt. "I —"

"Why? Why didn't you do anything?" I all but scream at him. I don't know where this anger is coming from, but it flows from top to toe, swamping my senses. My hands tremble, and so does my voice. "Why did you just stand, doing nothing, watching—?"

"What could I have done?" he snaps. "What did you expect me to do? Stand in front of the target in your place? You have to stick your head up in everything, and then you expect me to clean up your mess?"

"Oh, no, I never should!" My laughter turns maniacal. "Because you don't care at all, all you want is to hurt me —"

"Don't you dare, Tris." Tobias' voice is deadly quiet. "Don't you dare accuse me of not caring. If I wanted to hurt you, I'd have done it ages ago." He steps towards me, and I step back. "Why do you never think before acting? Can't you ever understand that sometimes surviving is more important than being right? What do you hope to change, with all these brave acts?"

His words hurt like a whiplash. "You don't understand!" I retort, my voice almost a plea.

"You're right, I don't! And I never will. Just one day when you are dying because of your thoughtless bravery, don't —"

" _Shut up_ , just shut up!" I can't take it anymore. My eyes burn, threatening tears. "Get out! Just — l-leave me alone."

"You know, I'm getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!" he says quietly, his voice hard. "Especially after yesterday, I thought you'd have understood."

"You talk about understanding!" I voice shakes badly; I am on the verge of breaking. "I'm surprised you even _remember_ what happened yesterday."

He looks at me for a long moment. His eyes are cold, angry, but underneath, hurt and tired. The dark circles are more pronounced than ever. He looks like he is on the verge of saying something, but he doesn't, instead grabbing a knife, and slams it into the wooden table. And without looking at me, he strides out.

I sink onto the ground, my legs finally giving away. Tears run down my cheeks. Pulling all the frustration, anger and hurt to point, I let out a scream, slamming my fists against the wall. My hands throb, resonating with the pain in my wound, which stings and bleeds. How did everything spiral downwards so fast? Why did I even act like I did? _Oh, Tobias_. Was it only last night that we kissed? It seems decades ago. It... it doesn't even seem real anymore.

-o0o-

I look up at the sound of the door opening, only to find Will staring down at me. I have lost track of how long I have been sitting here, curled up against the wall in the training room. I have had a long time to think over what I did, and I am regretting my actions. The truth is that I was frightened. Really, really frightened. And all the fear and the tension found the easiest way of escape — as anger, at the last person it should have been directed at. I feel so guilty. That argument should never have happened.

"Thought you might still be here," he says, moving over to sit down beside me.

"How perceptive of you," I mumble with a feeble half-smile.

Will takes a careful look at me, gently wiping the tears away from my face. "Hey, you were very brave," he murmurs. "Stupid, too, but I won't talk about that today."

"You'd better not." I mock glare at him.

Will puts his arm around my shoulder. I welcome the warmth; this is what I need in a friend.

"You're an Erudite," I say. "I'd like some advice."

"Was," he corrects in a quiet voice. "But if it is my supreme intelligence that you require," his lips lift in the familiar mischievous grin, "I am at your service."

"Okay," I take a deep breath. "So this is a hypothetical situation. Someone... likes someone."

"So who's the guy?" Will quirks his eyebrows.

"Hypothetical," I growl.

"Yeah, okay." He raises his hands in surrender. "Can we at least have aliases?"

"All right," I sigh. "B likes T."

"B and T?" Will makes a face. "You have a thing with names, Tris. Call me up when you need to name your children."

I laugh a little. "You asked for it."

"So," he looks at me. "B likes T. What then?"

"Y-yes." I blush. "B likes T. A lot. And she thinks that T might like her back too. But... she has this big argument with him, and everything is messed up. B is afraid that T might never be with her at all. What should... what should B do?"

"Well, I think B should give T a little space, to give both of them time to think, and then she should talk to him and make him understand that she didn't mean to be hard on him. And oh, I'd like to tell this T guy to be careful and not mess around with B, because she can pack a mean punch." He grins. "Say what, Beatrice?"

"How —" I gape.

"Not too difficult to figure out." He shrugs lightly.

"Well... thank you." I smile back at him. "For the advice."

"Now that your spirits seem better, I think we should go, patch you up. Chris has been freaking out in the dorm."

"Sure she has," a voice comes from the door. I look up in time to see Christina make a beeline for me. "I'm so sorry, Tris!" She wraps me in a tight embrace. "I never meant to hurt you — only if I didn't have such a lousy aim —"

Her chin presses to my wound; I wince. Christina backs off with a fresh flood of apologies.

"Are you okay?" she asks tentatively.

"I am now." I smile. "Don't say sorry, Christina. You were very brave."

"You're still bleeding!" she exclaims, inspecting the drying blood. "You are coming to the infirmary. Now."

I laugh, swiping at the dry tear tracks on my cheeks, and let myself be pulled up. But now before wrapping my arms around my friends a last time.

Sometimes, I realize just lucky I am to have them.

-o0o-

It's the day before Visiting Day. I don't see it as the world's end any longer, because, frankly, I know it's nothing of the kind. I know what is coming, and much worse is in store for later. Nevertheless, I feel an excited tightening within me at the prospect of seeing my mother again.

As I stand in front of the mirror, looking at my now lean, muscled body which at last makes me feel like me, I can't help the nagging feeling that I am forgetting something. Something important happened today, something awful. As I wrap my towel around me, trying to puzzle it out, the memory hits me with the force of a hurtling truck.

" _Look at her. She's practically a child."_

" _Oh, I don't know. She could be hiding something under that towel. Why don't we look and see?"_

The color drains from my face; my hands shake. God, why did I not remember this earlier? Now I have to step in front of them in only a towel.

Securing the white cloth more tightly around me, I step out into the dormitory. I try to be unobtrusive, but Peter, Molly and Drew's eyes find me the moment I step out. They smirk. Trying to ignore them, I stiffly make my way to the drawer under my bed. With one hand, I pull out the dress I want. My other hand clutches the towel so tightly that my knuckles turn white.

I know Peter is standing behind me. I stand up as quickly as possible, and find his hand blocking my way.

"Let me go," I say in a low voice. "I don't think you'd like something to happen to your nose again."

"Make me." He smirks.

This time, I choose fight over flight. I stamp heavily on his foot. Wincing, Peter retracts his hand. Taking immediate opportunity, I evade him swiftly.

 _Yes. I did it._

Someone yanks the towel from me. Unprepared for this attack, I find it slipping off me.

Molly stands next to me, smirking.

"Were you always this skinny, Stiff?" She leers at me. "Just look at you. You've got nothing. Just like a child."

Jeering laughter erupts in the room. The air feels cold against my skin. My face flaming, I rush to the bathroom. A sob threatens to escape me. But as I step into my dress, I see nothing but anger and hatred on the face of my reflection.

Molly has just asked for it. This time, it will be so much worse for her. I give a last glance at the mirror, seeing a grim smile on my face, which should have been unsettling. It feels anything but.

-o0o-

I am oblivious to everything as I stand in the training room, waiting for my last fight. Everything inside me is turbulent, and yet there is a focused calm in me. I feel ruthless. Vengeful.

"You okay, Tris? You look a little…," says Al.

"A little what?" I am surprised myself at the cold, casual tone of my voice. I don't look away from the board as Tobias writes the name of my opponent; sure enough, it's Molly. A monster somewhere in my heart purrs in satisfaction.

"On edge," Al finishes. Yes, I know I am. Today, I want to let out all the violence in me.

I wait with an almost bored attitude for my fight, which is last. My eyes take in everything without focusing. Al and Christina's fight goes in a blur for me, unnoticed.

Finally, it's time. As I step into the center and look at Molly, it is all too easy, even easier than last time, to bring forth the negativity in me. Humiliation of two times and all the minor events in between. Everything else that has not gone right for me. The feelings rise up like dormant snakes, eager to attack. It's actually terrifying, realizing just how much hatred and anger I can nurse. I was right in leaving Abnegation. I was never good enough for them.

This time, I don't even bother with the strategy. I know what I am capable of. I just let go of all restraint, all the goodness. I unleash the beast in me.

The fight goes on in a flurry of blows. I lose focus on everything other than my target. I lose all thought other than my desire to hurt her. Molly stands no chance. She can barely stand as I rain punch after punch, kick after kick on her.

 _Look at her. She's a child._

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her so much.

Molly falls to the floor, curling into a ball to protect herself from my attack. I continue to kick her. Again. Again. Again. In the abdomen. On her face. There's a wet crunch as blood springs from her nose. I delight in its deep red color.

I pull my foot back to deliver another blow, but Tobias' hands are suddenly around me, pulling me away from her.

"You won," he mutters. "Stop."

His touch is the light breaking me away from my bloodlust; I stop struggling, calming down. I lean a little away from him, wiping the sweat from my forehead. His eyes are wide, alarmed. Suddenly I remember that I need to talk to him.

"Listen, I —" I begin, but he doesn't seem to hear.

"I think you should leave," he says. "Take a walk."

"I'm fine," I say. "I —" But Tobias let's go of me then, with a mechanical nod, and dismisses the class. I lose my opportunity at the collective chatter and the sound of many footsteps as everyone starts to leave.

I look around frantically. I have to talk to Tobias. I find him at the door, about to walk out.

"Listen, I —" I begin again. He looks at me carefully, his eyes conflicted, and guarded. He is shielding himself. From me. He opens his mouth as if to say something, then closes it, and looking down, walks away.

"Wait!" I call out, rushing forward. "Four! I need to—" I open the door. But the corridor is empty. He is gone.

I feel all feeling leave me. All the wicked contentment of the win, everything. The feeling of guilt and sadness sits like a dead weight on my chest. I feel hollow. Empty.

 _Give a little space. Some time to think._

I can only hope that Will is right.

* * *

 **How was this? Visiting Day next!**


	7. Visiting Day

**Thank you to all my readers, reviewers and to those who favorited and followed this story. The Return has crossed 2000 views; I'm really happy! Your support is all the motivation for me :)**

 **Also, thanks to all those who read, reviewed and favorited and followed my oneshot Obsession. Glad you liked it!**

 **Moving on with this chapter...**

* * *

I wake up in the morning with my first thought being, _Today is Visiting Day_. Despite knowing what is in store for me, I feel a tingle of anticipation. I'll see my mother again. But on its heels comes the painful realization — it was the second last time I saw her alive in my past, our last proper meeting before she died. I clench my fists. _I won't let it be. I won't let her die._

It is still very early when I leave the dorm after a quick shower. Most of the initiates are still asleep. But I am driven by a sense of purposefulness. Last night was a tortuous experience, wallowing in guilt and the burn of separation. I need to make peace with my heart. With Tobias.

I hang around in the Pit, hoping to spot him. The place is mostly empty; in an hour, though, it will be full of the families of initiates. I feel restless. _Where are you?_ I balance on the balls of my feet, trying to form an apology in my head. Will he accept me? Will everything be fine again? Hell, where _is_ he?

The minutes pass by without any sign of Tobias. Maybe he is still asleep, or in the control room, working. I am growing nervous and impatient; how long will I wait? Finally, I realize that it has been far too late, and that I need to go back and get ready if I want to be on time. My feet ache from the waiting, as does my heart. For one crazy moment, I even contemplate hunting him out in his apartment or in the control room, but then quell the thought dejectedly.

All this time. All the thoughts. The plans. Wasted.

I make my way back to the dormitory, my heart heavy. And as my already poor luck would have it, I run headfirst into someone at the corridor.

"Ow." I massage my head, backing away. My insides writhe in anger as I realize who it is.

"You seem to be up very early," Eric comments, his dark eyes fixed with eerie intensity on me.

"I — had gone for a stroll," I give my excuse. "Couldn't sleep."

He nods. "I had underestimated you in the beginning, it seems. You did well yesterday. You show promise, Tris. I have my eyes on you."

"Do me a favor and keep them off me," I mutter under my breath.

Eric's eyes narrow. "What was that, initiate?"

"N-nothing."

"It had better be. I don't like my subordinates out of line." He smirks. "I'm sure you have noticed."

I let out a shaky breath as he walks into the dorm, following him at a safe distance. There can't be many people in the world whom I hate more than him.

-o0o-

I take a few moments to tie my hair up in a bun. I know that Mom won't mind even if I turn up with a piercing on my eyebrow, but I want to show her that I have not forgotten my family. I see Will and Christina laughing and talking ahead of me. I smile to myself, lowering my pace to give them time together. They seem very good for each other. I just hope I won't mess up this time.

I frown as I wonder where Al is. He wasn't in the dormitory, and I know that he won't be in the Pit. I'll find him later. I won't let him hide away in a hole this time.

The Pit seems so different, with the families of the initiates in groups on the side. The usual sea of black is interspersed with blue and white.

And gray. My smile stretches across my face as I spot my mother in the traditional, simple Abnegation attire. For a moment I picture her in a tight black dress. She might have been from outside, a Divergent in our way of speaking, but she chose well. Dauntless, Abnegation. She is both. In fact, she is more. She has it all. A Divergent in the truest sense.

Before I know it, I am running towards her. Her warmth envelopes me, momentarily washing away all thoughts and worries.

"Mom!"

"Beatrice," she whispers. She runs her hand over my hair. Her fingers are gentler and more comforting than anything else in the world.

"Well, look at you," she says. "You've filled out." She puts her arm across my shoulders, smiling. "Tell me how you are."

"You first." It's not just Abnegation manners; I _want_ her to tell me. I want to hear her voice; I want to hear it forever.

"Today is a special occasion," she says. "I came to see you, so let's talk mostly about you. It is my gift to you." I have tears in my eyes. She is so selfless. Such a wonderful woman.

"Dad... he didn't come, did he?" I can't help hope a little that he came. A small change in my actions has made big differences this time, even in this small interval. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't take my decision so hard...

"Your father has been selfish lately." My mother's sad smile douses my hopes. "That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, I promise."

I sigh. "Tell him that I love him. Just because I left doesn't mean I care for him any less."

"I will." She smiles. "But deep inside, I know that he knows it too. He'll come around with time, darling, don't worry."

"You aren't visiting Caleb," I say.

"I wish I could," she says, shaking her head, "but the Erudite have prohibited Abnegation visitors from entering their compound. If I tried, I would be removed from the premises."

I purse my lips, frowning. I can't help hate the Erudite right now. "That's terrible."

"Tensions between our factions are higher than ever," she says. "I wish it wasn't that way, but there is little I can do about it."

I look around, easily spotting Tobias by the Chasm. My insides clench uncomfortably. I just want to get things smooth between us again, but this cannot be any time for an apology.

"There's one of my instructors," I say. I hope my blush isn't prominent enough for her to notice.

"He's _handsome._ " She beams. I want to grin. _He is. Absolutely._ A wave of sadness follows. _But he is not mine yet, I guess._

Tobias' eyes lift to meet mine. His expression is unreadable. His eyes shift to my mother, widening. He must have recognized her. Mom extends her hand to his.

"Hello. My name is Natalie," she says. "I'm Beatrice's mother." I wonder what he thinks of my real name.

"Four," he says. "It's nice to meet you."

"Four," Mother repeats, smiling. "Is that a nickname?"

"Yes." He doesn't elaborate. "Your daughter is doing very well here. I've been overseeing her training."

"That's good to hear," Mom smiles. "I know a few things about Dauntless initiation, and I was worried about her."

"You need not worry," he says. "She has shown surprising progress." All the time, he keeps up his formal instructor front.

"You look familiar for some reason, Four." Mom tilts her head a little, contemplating.

The change in Tobias' manner is immediate. He stiffens. His voice becomes colder. "I can't imagine why," he says. "I don't make a habit of associating with the Abnegation." He is such a good actor.

My mother laughs. "Few people do, these days. I don't take it personally."

Tobias relaxes a little. He nods at my mother. "Well, I'll leave you to your reunion." And walks away. I look down, feeling as if all the joy of seeing my mother has vanished with his departure. Not once did he look at me. I really, really messed things up. Bad.

"Is he always like that?" my mother queries.

"On the outside," I say absently. "He is very guarded. But he has a beautiful personality, once someone gets to know him."

"He's a nice boy, I suppose, then," Mom says, smiling.

"Yes, he is," I sigh with a small smile.

"You like him."

I pale, gaping. "Mom, I —"

"No, it's okay." She laughs, her eyes bright. "It's fine. I think he likes you too."

I am very red now. "You think so? He never looked at me even once."

She smiles at me. "Don't mind that, dear." She sobers up a little. "Did you have an argument?"

I nod. "Two days ago. I thought things were finally going to be good between us, and then... I've messed it all up, Mom. I've been meaning to apologize, but I never seem to be getting the chance."

"You'll have your time, Beatrice. And I am sure things will be fine." She laughs softly, placing her hand on my shoulder. "I think he is good for you."

I can't help laugh with her a little. I never got to tell her about Tobias and me the first time. It feels good.

"Mom —" I feel a pressure in the back of my head; I have to tell it to her. I need to know how she will judge him when she learns the truth. "Promise you won't tell anyone."

She nods at me, he brows furrowed. "What is it, Beatrice?"

"It's not my secret to tell, but — Four... his real name... It's Tobias." I look at her as realization sets in on her face.

"Marcus' son," she whispers. I nod. "No wonder he hides his true name."

"Wh-what do you think?"

"He has grown up into a strong young man." My mother smiles softly. "All I can say is that I am really very proud of him. And I am very happy for you. Take care of him, Beatrice." I feel myself tearing up again. I hug her tightly.

"Thank you, Mom. I love you."

She smiles, running her hand through my hair gently.

"I love you too, Beatrice. Always."

I look around for my other friends. Christina's mother and sister are here. And Peter's dad. I can see Al's parents. I'll get him to meet them, once I am done here. On one side, there is Will talking to his sister. Cara. I smile a little. Cars had been a tried friend to me. A valuable ally.

I freeze at the thought. _Ally_. If I want to succeed in ruining the Erudite simulation, I need someone to help me. Someone with inside information. I need Cara.

"Mom," I whisper.

"Yes, dear?" Her face clouds over with concern.

"There's a friend of mine, with his sister. I'd like to talk to them. But she's an Erudite, so uh, if you... could wait a minute, here..."

Hurt flashes in her eyes, making me feeling guilty. But I don't want Cara and me to start on bad terms, and the knowledge that I am the daughter of an Abnegation leader won't help things. If she insults my mother, I still won't be able to keep quiet. Better avoid that meeting at all.

"Yes, of course," she says with a smile nevertheless. I nod.

"I'm sorry. I'll — I'll be right back."

Without looking back at her, I make my way towards Will. _Let's get over with this._

"Tris!" Will's eyes light up as he sees me. "This is my sister, Cara."

"Nice to meet you," I smile at Cara, who smiles back as we shake hands.

"Did your parents turn up?" Will asks.

"My mother did." I nod.

"So Tris, which faction —" Cara begins, but I cut her off.

"Listen, Cara, could I talk to you for a minute? Alone?"

Both brother and sister look puzzled, but Cara nods. I walk with her to an empty corner. I look around. No cameras. Okay.

"Listen," I say in a low voice. "This is urgent. Will's life is in danger."

Cara pales. "Wh-what? How —?"

"It's not immediate, but there's going to be an attack, soon, and Will has the risk of losing his life because of it," I say, very conveniently forgetting to add that it's me who might kill him. "I want to stop this attack. And I need your help."

"How — when is this going to happen? Who are the attackers?" Cara wets her lips, her eyes wide and fearful.

"I can't talk here. I will tell you everything... Can you meet me tomorrow outside the Erudite headquarters?"

"I can't. I'll be working on a project with my department. I can make it next day, though."

"All right. That day, then. Eleven thirty, night?" I ask. Cara nods her head. She looks ill. "Don't worry, we'll solve this," I add. "And Cara? Don't tell anyone about this conversation. Not even Will."

"O-okay."

We make our way back to Will.

"Is everything all right?" he asks, concerned. "You look pale, Cara."

"Everything is fine," I say smoothly. "We were just getting to know each other. Talking about my brother." I smile at Cara. "It was nice meeting you, Cara. See you later." With a meaningful nod, I leave the two of them.

I take my mother to meet Christina. Our mothers get along with each other well. Her sister skips around us, eagerly asking questions about Dauntless.

Once we are done, Mom holds my arm and pulls me away towards the dining hall. Her hold is gentle by appearance, but her grip is unshakable, vice-like. I bite my lip to not cry out in pain. We stop in front of a locked door. She peers at the base of a lamp. Checking for cameras.

"Mom —"

"Now, Beatrice," she says, her voice urgent. "Tell me how you have been really. The fights... what is your rank?"

There is no confusion about how she knows all this, this time; the unseen tattoos on her underarm offer all the answers, as does the journal kept in the Bureau. I bite my lip, thinking.

"I —" What will be my rank this time? I am sure I did better than the last time. I can't possibly be sixth any longer. "It should be somewhere along the middle."

She nods, looking troubled. "At least you are not on top. Even the middle ones are not too easily noticed." If only she knew that I have already attracted Eric's attention.

"Now, this is very important, Beatrice: What were your aptitude test results?"

Of course, this question was coming. This time I don't hesitate; I trust her implicitly. "They were inconclusive."

"I thought as much." She sighs. "Many children who are raised Abnegation receive that kind of result. We don't know why. But you have to be very careful during the next stage of initiation, Beatrice. Stay in the middle of the pack, no matter what you do. Don't draw attention to yourself. Do you understand?"

I nod, gulping. Not until my mother's warning did I fear too much about my Divergence. I was too busy thinking of the future, of changing things. "But Mom —"

She shakes her head, silencing me quickly by placing a finger on my lip. "There's something I want you to do," she says. There is something unnerving in her urgency, in the resolute set of her jaw. "I can't go visit your brother, but you can, when initiation is over. So I want you to go find him and tell him to research the simulation serum. Okay? Can you do that for me?"

"Mom, I don't —" Am I ready to visit Caleb yet? It was a challenge acting normal in front of him before Choosing, with all the thoughts of him upcoming betrayal in my mind. Why should I reward him with a visit, a visit from the family he renounced in all true sense? He doesn't deserve it.

"I don't have much time," she says. "Please do this for me, Beatrice. It's important. And... well, have a piece of cake for me, all right? The chocolate. It's delicious." She smiles a strange, twisted smile. A sad smile, I realize. Nostalgic. "I love you, you know." And she begins to walk away.

"Mom!" I call after her. She pauses, looking surprised. I want to give her a little gift. For all she has done. For all she would have done. For all she will do. I smile at her.

"Let's have that cake now. Together."

She laughs then, which makes her suddenly look no older than me, and lets me take her arm.

-o0o-

I return to the dormitory while the others are spending time with their families. Despite my pleading, Mom refused to stay the afternoon in Dauntless. But I am happy that I at least got to spent some good time with her, in the cafeteria over the delicious chocolate cake.

Al is sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.

"There you are!" I say. "Hurry up, let's go meet your parents. They were looking for you."

But he only shakes his head.

"Al..." I sigh. "Come on."

"No, Tris." His big brown eyes are sad. "I can't face them."

"Is this because of the fights? Because you know you have been losing them all by choice."

He still shakes his head. Part of me feels angry at him, for his mulishness. "I'll be cut," he says. "I'm sure of it. I can't meet them the day before, Tris. Telling them how I've been doing. They... they always wanted me to be in Dauntless. They have admired this faction forever."

"I'm sure they'll understand." He shows no sign of being motivated. Okay, different approach, then. "Oh, come on, Al!" I take hold of his hand and tug at it with all my strength. But he is like a brick wall; he doesn't budge. "You can at least introduce me to them!"

He doesn't react. I let go, disappointed. I was almost positive this method would work.

"What is _wrong_ with you, Al?" I growl. "Why are you acting like this? You know you can win, you know you can easily be at least third if you try. But you won't! And then you feel ashamed of yourself. Do you... don't you want to win at all?"

He slumps against the bedpost, sighing. "I want to win, Tris," he says sadly. "I do. Just... not like this. Not by hurting others... hurting my friends. Maybe I am weak that I can't do this."

I let out a long breath, stepping away from him. There is nothing more I can do here.

How do you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

-o0o-

I find myself in the Pit again, gazing at the families once more reunited. I have nothing to do.

No, there is something I _can_ do. I can go visit Caleb. I had refused to see him last time, but I had ended up visiting him later, with rather unpleasant consequences. It would be better if I just go to him now. Not only will I be not be caught by the guards, interrogated by Jeanine and reported to Eric, maybe if I talk to Caleb earlier, I might be able to change his mind. I make up my mind, nodding to myself. Mum asked me to visit him after initiation, but given what is to come, there won't be any chance or use of it then. I'll go now instead. Yes, I'll listen to my mother. I'll keep her request.

I move towards the steps leading out of the headquarters, slowly making my way up.

"Going somewhere?"

My teeth sink hard into my lower lip in shock. That voice, it does so many things to me, all the time. I freeze, my heart rate doubled without any exertion. I turn around slowly, to find Tobias a few steps below me.

"I — to see my brother," I explain, stumbling over my words. "The Erudite have banned Abnegation visitors, so my mother can't go see him. She asked me to go on her behalf."

He nods. "I'll go with you."

My face flames up in a fiery blush. "You don't have to —"

"You were told that initiates are permitted to leave the headquarters only with a Dauntless, remember?" He looks at me sternly. No softness in the dark blue eyes. "So unless you want to be caught breaking the rules, it's not as if you have a choice."

 _Oh_. I feel the temperature around me drop. Is that why? The only reason?

 _Of course that's why. What do you expect, after you ruined everything with him, and he isn't even talking to you?_

Taking my silence for agreement, Tobias steps up, taking the lead. Our arms brush as he overtakes me. I try to suppress my shiver and follow.

The silence during our ascent is stony and uncomfortable. The tension is palpable. Finally, I can't go on anymore. I need to clear the air between us. Desperately.

"T—" _Four. Not Tobias_. But I don't like calling him Four; it is a symbol of all the secrets still standing between us. "Four! Wait a minute."

He stops and turns, his eyebrows raised imperiously. He looks impatient, and intimidating. "What is it?" His tone is strict and clipped.

"I — I need to talk to you for a second."

He looks a little puzzled, but retraces a few steps so he is closer to me. We stand on the pavement, our back to the Dauntless building.

"I—" I clear my throat. "I — um —" God, why am I so flustered? I can't get my thoughts straight.

Tobias' mouth is pressed in a line. "Yes?" he asks.

After all this time, I'd have thought that talking to _him_ , of all people, would be easy, but it seems that I am grossly mistaken.

"I — I'm sorry," I manage to blurt out. His eyes widen.

"What?"

"I'm sorry for how I behaved with you on the day of knife-throwing. I shouldn't have shouted at you or blamed you. My behavior was inexcusable. You did nothing wrong. I... I was just frightened then and, I don't know, I lost my head. In fact, I — thank you. For standing up for me in front of Eric. Could you — um, forgive me, please?" I let out a long breath on getting it all out, and scan his face. What is he thinking?

"I didn't do much." He shakes his head. One corner of his lips lifts a little. "I could have done more, I guess. And it's okay, Tris." He smiles a full smile this time. "You're forgiven. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have talked to you like that. You were incredibly brave."

"But stupid." I chuckle.

"Very," he adds sternly, nodding. "I hope you will remember that. You need to survive here first, Tris. Being right can wait."

"Aye, aye, captain!" I laugh. I won't argue today. I ask tentatively, "So, are we... okay?"

In a couple of long strides, he suddenly closes the distance between us. I find myself pressed against a wall. Tobias trails his lips lightly against my lips and my jaw, and then kisses my forehead, remaining like that for a long time. His fingers caress my face.

"What do you think?" he murmurs against my skin.

"I can only hope that this is your definition of okay." I smile.

"No." Resting his forehead against mine, he smiles a smile that melts my heart. "This is my definition of 'better than okay'."

-o0o-

"You seem very happy," Tobias comments, his lips twitching at the corners, as we wait for the train. I've been grinning from ear to ear all this time.

"Being forgiven is a good feeling," I reply.

"So it is," he agrees with a smile.

The train arrives. Tobias climbs in first. He extends his hand out to me. I take it more out of desire than need, letting him pull me in. We sit down facing each other as the train picks up speed. There is silence between us, but a comfortable silence. With a spark of desire coursing between us... or is it just me? Every now and then, one of us catches the other staring, and both look away, blushing. I feel like giggling. God, we seem like teenage sweethearts.

I shift my gaze from his face and look out at the passing scenery, and think of all those times we sat together in the trains, talking and kissing and holding on to each other. I almost forget all sense of time and place as I lose myself in the memories. I hope my blush isn't too noticeable.

"So, I've heard that you have been showing extraordinary proficiency in the initiation steps right from the beginning." Tobias' voice jerks me to the present.

"Who told you that?" I stare at him in wide-eyed surprise.

"Zeke," he says. "He has a younger brother who's among the initiates," he explains to my questioning gaze. "I believe you know him."

"Oh, Uriah." I can't help my fond smile; that boy is a brother to me in all but blood. Tobias nods, a slight frown marring his face momentarily. Wait, he is not jealous, right? Not of _Uriah_ , of all people!

"He said you climbed into the train perfectly, unassisted, and landed on the roof on your feet too." I frown at my feet, slightly flustered. Uriah, that loudmouth! "Not to mention," he smiles a little, "you were first jumper. And you have been great in the training too."

His deep blue eyes probe me, and I fight the urge to squirm.

"Maybe I've had it hidden in me somewhere?" I try. "I didn't transfer from Abnegation for nothing, after all."

He tilts his head in semblance of a nod, his expression thoughtful. "I don't know why, but somehow it seems like you have already been here. Your behavior suggests it."

"Why on earth would that be, and more than that, how?" I pale. For the first time in my life, I curse Tobias' keen observation skills. "I'm sixteen. I'm an Abnegation transfer. How can I be familiar with the Dauntless? It's a ridiculous idea."

"I don't know, do I? That's why I am asking. I have been training initiates from last year, Tris. Trust me, if anyone notices, it's me. You seem to be as comfortable in the Dauntless surroundings as any Dauntless-born. Plus, what was all that extra information about Eric and the Erudite?"

Oh no, he doesn't forget anything, does he? I shake my head resolutely. It's hard not to show the nervousness I feel on my expression. "You're mistaken."

"You're definitely not cut out for Candor," he says with a wry smile. "You're lying, Tris."

I groan internally. I have fooled the world so many times; I have even fooled Tobias, and I am failing now?

"Well, you can stick to your theory, then," I say flatly. "I have nothing to add."

"Keeping secrets?" He shakes his head. "It'll lead you nowhere."

"You are one to speak!" I snap. I don't want to fight with him again, just after we mended things, but I am desperate. "I suppose _you_ are offering your secrets on charity, then. Your vague answers to everything sure are the ultimate sources of enlightenment."

He pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated. "Fine!" he growls. "Forget I asked."

I scowl to myself, glaring at the view outside the train. God, a mess up again. We only just made up, and we are fighting again. Are things ever going to be the same between us again, like they were the first time? Kissing and making up... does that give our relationship a meaning, or are we still hanging somewhere in between? I don't know which worries me more — this uncertainty, or the crushing weight of my secrets. It feels as if the first time around, things were so much smoother, easier. But I can't even go back to playing by the old rules; the events have branched out so much. The first time, I hadn't been comforted by him after a nightmare, nor had I been so forward to kiss him after the Ferris wheel incident. There is no backing out now to simplify things. There's no line of reference to look up to anymore. I am a stranger on this treacherous route once more.

"Hey," Tobias' voice breaks my train of thoughts once again, but this time, it is soft and quiet. I look up to find him looking at me with a half smile lifting his lips. He moves closer to me so that we are touching, and drags me around so that my back presses against his hard chest. I gasp in surprise, feeling sparks where his hands grab my waist. He runs his finger through my hair, brushing away the loose strands that have fallen out of the bun, and presses his lips to my neck, peppering me with kisses.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to argue," he murmurs against my skin. I prevent a contented sigh from escaping with difficulty as my head tilts on its own to give him better access.

"You — you are wrong if — if you think you can, oh, get any information out of me this way," I stutter. He pulls away, a mischievous light in his eyes.

"Can't I just kiss a beautiful girl?" he chuckles, making me turn red from neck up. And then he laughs. "Damn, you know me too well, Tris."

I grin. "Sure I do, Tob— I , er, Four," I cover up hurriedly, hoping to God that he didn't notice. Thankfully, before he can say anything, we find that we have reached the Erudite headquarters, and as the train slows down a little, Tobias and I get up.

Part of me is disappointed that his lips didn't get to work more of their magic, and part is relieved that this didn't turn into another interrogation.

"Any more questions, save them for later," I tell him firmly as we jump down, hand in hand.

"Yes, ma'am," he laughs, but his expression is thoughtful. "Your attitude doesn't give me too much hope, though."

We walk together in silence towards the Erudite headquarters. I feel the warmth of his grip comfort me, and my mind keeps playing back the feeling of his lips on my skin. _We'll have time_ , I tell myself. _Later._

But I can't stop myself from swinging back and kissing him quickly all of a sudden.

"What was that for?" he asks wonderingly, his hand lifting to touch the corner of his lips.

"For being here. With me," I smile shyly. He grins back, placing his arm round my shoulder.

"I should do more of good deeds, then," he smiles, his cheeks slightly pink. "Alright now, let's go." I nod.

It's impossible for me to describe how much I love this man. Sadly, I couldn't tell him even if I could form words for him.

Knowing the future may be a blessing. But it is a burden heavier than anything I have ever known.


	8. Edge of the Blade

**And on to the next chapter. As always, thanks to everyone for the amazing support. Love ya all!**

* * *

I walk with Tobias towards our destination. The massive Erudite buildings loom over us. I don't know if it's just because of my previous experiences in this place, but I feel a shiver run down my spine as I look up at them. The air seems significantly colder, even though the day is warm. I surreptitiously slink closer to Tobias.

The central building, I know, is the most important one. In silent agreement, Tobias and I steer in that direction.

"How do you know where to go?" he asks curiously.

"The central building — most important. It's obvious," I say. Of course, I have also been here three times, and I know the insides of the building well, but then, he doesn't need to know that.

"Clever." He smiles slightly.

The last time I went to visit Caleb, the only people around the main building were Erudites. My black clothing had been like a bright banner, causing everyone to steer clear of me. But today, I see the pristine, neat lobby full of people. Like in Dauntless, the main color of the faction has been mixed with a few of the others. My attire doesn't act as a beacon this time, and Tobias and I have to jostle through the families talking in little groups everywhere along with the faction members. We walk into the library, which, as I had found out, is where the Erudite desk is located. The place is quiet despite it being Visiting Day, the smell of books and the polished wooden floor all around. I approach the young man sitting at the desk, Tobias at my side. I recall how I had banged the desk with my hand, frustrated and angry, last time. I won't need to, this time. At least, I hope not.

"How can I help you?" he asks.

"We're here to see Caleb Prior," I tell him. His eyes are expressionless behind his glasses. He jabs the screen at a few places.

"Caleb Prior is a transfer from Abnegation," he says blandly. "We aren't aware —"

I grit my teeth at his mechanical behavior, focusing on Tobias' hand in mine to keep my temper in check. "I'm Beatrice Prior. His sister. I know you aren't allowing the Abnegation members in your compound, but I am a Dauntless, as you must be blind to not notice, so I don't think there should be a problem." My voice takes on a dangerous edge as I speak. "Now," I lean towards the man a little, a very fake, sweet smile on my face, "if you could _please_ call up Caleb Prior."

The man looks pale. Then he nods and types furiously into the computer.

"He will be here shortly," he informs us once he is done. "And you are?" He turns towards Tobias.

Tobias looks uncertain for a split second. "Four. From Dauntless," he says shortly.

"I presume you aren't family to Caleb Prior," the receptionist says.

"No. I came to escort Tris — Beatrice, here."

The receptionist nods. "I'm afraid that only the initiates' immediate family are permitted to meet them. I request you to wait outside. You please wait here for your brother, Miss Prior."

Tobias frowns, but nods anyway. "I'll be right there outside. Call me if you need any help," he says to me. I nod; I'm relieved to know that he doesn't trust the Erudite either. His lips curve into a smile. "You can be rather frightening if you want. It's really entertaining."

I laugh. "Why, thank you!"

He gives my hand a squeeze, and then with a nod, walks out. I purse my lips as I wait. I don't like to be alone, especially in enemy quarters. Tobias' presence gave me confidence. It meant safety. Alone, surrounded by people who look more like machines than humans, focused on computers or books, I have to work hard to not let myself be consumed by the horrible memories of what happened to me here in my past. I can't lose my composure now.

"Beatrice?" I turn around to see Caleb standing at a doorway, wearing a complete blue ensemble, spectacles perched on his nose. His appearance makes a fresh wave of anger rise in me.

"Caleb!" I walk over to him, and burying the emerging hostility in me, hug him. He still feels and smells like my brother, the brother I played with in my childhood. Except that there is considerably less warmth in his hold as he returns my embrace, way less than his interaction with me on Choosing Day. He seems to have been changing already. If anything, his expression emanates surprise.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, looking me up and down. His eyes wide as he takes in my black dress, it seems like he is seeing a different person altogether. Well, I am seeing a different person too, because this will never seem the loving brother I grew up with, to me. The only difference is that Caleb is seeing Tris for the first time, while I know just how Erudite he is, have known for far too long.

"I came to visit you, of course. Visiting Day, did you forget?"

"No, I just —" He shakes his head, still puzzled for some reason, and looks around. I shift my weight on my right foot, feeling uncomfortable. Neither of us seems to know what to say. How can a meeting with your own brother be this awkward?

"Let us go out," he says, taking my hand. "We should let the silence here be."

I nod, slightly cheered at the idea; the silence in the room is alien and stifling to me, after the regular noise and chaos of Dauntless. But instead of going the way I came (which I was hoping we would, because I couldn't help the jittery feeling which came at Tobias' absence), Caleb leads me through a series of corridors towards a closed door. He pushes the door open, ushering me in. I find myself in a little garden enclosed by glass walls. Caleb sits down on a bench, and I do the same.

"The Erudite have _gardens_?" I ask incredulously. "Why, do the books get boring for you sometimes?"

"One needs nature to clear their mind sometimes," he says, shaking his head. "Besides, we try our latest experiments in plant breeding here before passing them to Amity." I notice how he says _we_ , not _they_. He is a part of this faction already.

I find nothing to say to him. The silence bothers me, taunting me; is this what I came all the way here for? To sit beside him looking at the plants blooming through hydroponics?

"You have a tattoo." Caleb is the first to break the silence. I turn to see him staring at me with a judgmental look.

"I am a Dauntless now," I say. " _You_ have glasses. And we both know your vision's perfect. What's this, an ornament to show off all the knowledge you are getting?"

"Beatrice." His tone is soft, but full of disapproval.

"No, Caleb. What are you doing? Are you changing yourself to someone you are not, just because of _them_?"

"You are wrong," he says. " _This_ is who I am. Who I always was, but had to hide."

His answer momentarily renders me silent, out of argument.

"How have you been?" he asks me. "You look... different. Do you think you made the right choice?"

"I know I did," I reply vehemently.

"There you go," he shrugs. "I don't think it's fair for you to judge me."

"Mom told me to tell you to research about the simulation serum," I tell him, running out of chitchat.

"You saw her?" He looks hurt. "Why didn't she—"

"Because," I say. "The Erudite don't let the Abnegation into their compound anymore. Weren't you informed about it?"

He looks lost for a few moments.

"Something big is happening, Beatrice. Something is wrong," he says. His eyes are wide and glassy. "I don't know what it is, but people keep rushing around, talking quietly, and Jeanine gives speeches about how corrupt Abnegation is all the time, almost every day."

"And you believe her?" My voice is sharp. "They won't let your own family in, Caleb! You have only been here for, what, a week, and you've forgotten your own people already?"

"I have not forgotten them!" Caleb says, his voice harsher than I have ever heard. He sighs. "I... I don't — maybe — I don't know what to believe."

"You should! You have been in Abnegation for _sixteen years!_ Dad... Susan's father, how can you possibly think they are corrupt?"

"How much do I know? How much did they allow me to know? We weren't allowed to ask questions, Beatrice; we weren't allowed to know things! And here…" he looks at the glass walls, obscured in places by multicolored flowers, "Here, information is free. It is always available."

"Oh, is it, now?" I can't keep the venom out of my voice. "And how much of it is the truth? Did you ever think that they might be lying to you, manipulating you?"

"I'd know if I was being manipulated," he says resolutely.

"Would you?" I spring up from my seat. "Then do you know that there is going to be an attack on the Abnegation any day now? Do you know that your beloved faction is going to wipe off our old faction, our families? Mom, Dad, Susan, they may die? Do you have any idea of that, Caleb? If information here is that free, did dear Jeanine Matthews tell you that?"

Caleb's face is chalk white. He opens and closes his mouth, unable to speak.

"How — how do you know?" he stammers.

"That," I mutter, "is not your business. At least I know what I'm a part of, Caleb. _You_ are choosing to ignore what we've known all our lives — these people are arrogant and greedy and they will lead you nowhere."

Caleb stands up too. He is much taller than me; his frame towers over my smaller one.

"Don't accuse me —" he even glares at me, "I'm not —"

"Not what?" I go on mercilessly. All the suppressed anger and frustration I had been feeling towards him is spilling out. "Not a boy who needs to get his priorities straight? Who thinks he's so _clever_ that he can't be lied to? Who has been swallowing every word Jeanine says, forgetting his true loyalties, everything?"

Caleb's expression is frigid. "I think you should go, Beatrice."

"With pleasure," I say, stepping away from him. "Don't forget about what Mom said, if you care even a little bit about us."

He stands in his place, watching me walk away. "Oh, and Caleb?" I turn around to face him again. "If you dare tell anyone about this conversation, especially Jeanine, I swear I won't hesitate at the fact that you are my brother to beat you black and blue."

He pales. "I don't know what joining that faction has done to you," he says coldly, "but this is not the sister I grew up with."

I give a low laugh. "Is that so? I think you should think that for yourself too, because this is not the brother _I_ thought I loved!"

He purses his lips, but doesn't say anything. His green eyes are distraught, but the guilt I feel for talking like this to him is buried deep under my anger.

"Goodbye, Caleb," I say, lowering my voice, and without looking back at him, leave.

I feel my head pound as I walk out of the Erudite building. Despite my hopes, from what I can see, nothing good came out of this meeting. It seems to have gone even worse than the first time. The only good thing here is that I could make my visit inconspicuous; no capture by the guards, no interrogation by Jeanine.

Tobias finds me as soon as I push past the few families that are yet to leave. His dark eyes search my face.

"It didn't go well?" he asks. "You look... unhappy."

I lower my head. Now that it's all over, I'm regretting losing my temper. But what could I have done? "He was more surprised to see me than anything." I purse my lips. "I'm afraid he's becoming a suck-up to Jeanine. He's believing every word that she says. I — he doesn't even believe in the Abnegation anymore. His own faction! He should know better than anyone not to believe in all the lies that the Erudite spread."

Tobias doesn't say anything. His hand reaches for mine. This is what I love most about him; he does not waste time and words in meaningless consolations.

We board the train. Part of the journey goes in silence. Tobias looks into the distance, his expression faraway, a small crease between his brows. I wonder what he is thinking about. I ask him so.

"You," he says. "You are a mystery."

"Aren't most people?" I reply with a nervous chuckle. I am anxious not to have conversations about me; I don't know how long I can hide my secret, especially from Tobias. Sometimes, I just want to blurt everything out to him, but the truth is that I'm afraid. Afraid of what knowing the future would do to him. To us. I want us to stay together, to progress normally, like we had last time, not under the bondage of destiny. I want him to be mine on his own _. We are okay, you and me. Even if nothing else in the world is, we are._ That is how I want us to be. And I've seen already that Tobias has a tendency of hating himself. He didn't take the fact that he was 'damaged' well at all. Will he be able to cope with the massive weight of the knowledge of what he might do in the future? Of the terrible things that might happen? And what about me? If he finds out about all the horrible things I've done, that I might do, will he like me anymore? He is the biggest reason behind my coming back. I won't be able to live without him. And to have him with me, I am ready to keep the harsh weight of this secret on my heart throughout life, if needed.

"I'd have liked to meet your brother," Tobias says suddenly. I blink at him, surprised. Last time around, he hadn't shown too much interest in Caleb, especially after his betrayal. I wonder if they patched up after my death. No. I don't want to think about things after my death.

 _"I told him how we got together— that's how knife-throwing came up, and I told him I wasn't messing around."_ I smile internally at the memory. Caleb and Tobias meeting would have been rather entertaining.

"Didn't think you'd be so eager about the meeting-the-big-brother part of being a boyfriend so soon," I say lightly, laughing. "We aren't even official yet." And then clamp my mouth shut, turning bright red as I realize just what I said. Damn it, I've done it again. Opened my big mouth and talked too much.

"No, I just — wait, did you just call me your boyfriend?" He looks at me, wide-eyed, and slowly, a mischievous smile makes his way on his face. It makes him look younger, the carefree eighteen which his disciplined self usually hides.

"N-not exactly," I stammer, squirming a little. I feel like I'm on fire, or at least, my face is. "Do you want me to?"

He shifts closer, pressing his forehead to mine.

"Yes," he breathes, smiling a bright, boyish smile. But then a more serious look bleeds into it. "But only on one condition."

My relief at his reaction crumbles. "W-what?" I falter.

"I know you are hiding things from me, but I will respect your privacy. Maybe later, one day, we can trust each other enough to keep nothing between us. Just promise me that you secrets aren't so bad that they will damage things between us. If they might, tell me now. I'll understand — or at least, I'll try. Can you promise me this much, Tris?"

My breath hitches. Can I promise him that? I can only hope that my secret isn't so terrible. But it is huge, and I can't gauge what Tobias' reaction might be. But I can't risk not being with him. I have lied to him before, broken my promises. Only time will tell where this will lead.

"I promise," I say.

"Then we are okay." He smiles, and closes the distance between us in a kiss.

I smile against his lips, letting my fingers brush his face. I have held back so long; I have missed this forever. And at that moment, I forget my fears, my worries, my burden, my secrets... I am just glad that he is there for me. To be mine.

-o0o-

That evening at dinner, the main topic of discussion is the rankings, which are to come tonight. I don't talk much; not only am I uncertain about where I stand, given my improved performance, my mind also circles the event that is bound to happen tonight. It is guaranteed that Edward will stand first; he didn't lose a single fight. And Peter won't like that. I have to stop it. I can't let that bastard take an eye out of someone for spite. Besides, getting injured led Edward to become much more violent and unstable. I easily remember his body, shot, crumpled on the ground after the factionless destroyed the Choosing bowls. I wouldn't like talent like his to be wasted.

I listen to Will and Christina bickering about the utilities of pets. It's not too difficult to deflect the conversation away from me this time; I simply lie about not killing the dog. No point giving them hints about me being Divergent; I have seen people being prejudiced about it. And at the moment, I'd like to keep my friends.

We return to the dormitory, the trepidation among the initiates about their ranks all too evident. Tobias stands by the chalkboard, explaining what is required. Our eyes don't meet, but I am fine with his aloofness this time. I know where we stand, and I understand the need to keep our relationship a secret. Fine by me.

I manage to push past a few people, enough to catch the names scrawled on the board.

1\. Edward

2\. Peter

3\. Tris

4\. Will

5\. Christina

6\. Molly

7\. Drew

8\. Al

9\. Myra

I can't believe my eyes. Third? I had expected to be above Molly this time, but the fact that my rank is even above Christina's and Will's, stuns me. Wow, I must have done better than I guessed.

Al's rank isn't last, but knowing that there are only two Dauntless-borns who are going to be cut, he is going to be factionless. I feel bad at his fallen face, but at least he won't end up dead.

I look at Christina to see her frowning at the board. She isn't alone. All across the room, I hear mutterings and grumblings rise.

"She is _third_?" Molly's voice rises above everyone else's. "The _Stiff_? She doesn't have a pound of muscle on her! This is absurd!"

"It didn't quite seem so when she beat you, Molly," Tobias says quietly, his voice cutting through all the noise. "I recall you couldn't walk straight for two days." He walks out, giving the slightest of glances at me. But his eyes are bright, and his lips twitch, and that is more than enough for me.

"You," Molly says, focusing her narrowed eyes on me. "You are going to pay for this." And stalks off. I just shake my head a little.

"So," Will thumps me on the back, grinning. "Third, huh? Who'd have thought when we first saw you?"

"Congrats!" Christina smiles too. But is it just my imagination, or do their smiles not quite reach their eyes?

"Well done, all of us!" Will laughs. "We should celebrate." "Well, let's go, then," says Christina, grabbing my arm with one hand and Al's arm with the other. "Come on, Al. You don't know how the Dauntless-borns did. You don't know anything for sure."

"I'm just going to go to bed," Al says, moving away. I let myself being pulled away, but not before looking at Peter. He looks so harmless, tying his shoelaces in silence. But that, I have learnt, is the calm before he does his worst. Cold-blooded. Planning.

I find Edward talking with Myra in a hallway as I walk with Will and Christina. She looks distraught. Well, no wonder; she will be cut.

"Just a moment," I tell my friends, breaking away to move towards him.

"Edward!" I call.

"Tris!" He looks surprised. "Well, congratulations. You did unexpectedly well."

"Yes, you too." I move to the point. "Listen, Edward, you did wonderfully, but... be careful. Tonight, just stay alert, okay?"

He looks puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Peter..." I try to find a way to tell him without it seeming suspicious. "I didn't quite like the look of him. He sure isn't happy about you beating him, so..."

Unexpectedly, Edward laughs. "Thanks for your concern," he says. "But I think I can handle Peter. I beat him up, remember?"

"Yeah, but —" But Edward's attention seems to be slipping, so, helpless, I leave. It seems that I'll need to personally interfere with the events tonight.

-o0o-

I stare up at the dark ceiling, counting my inhales and exhales. The dormitory is completely silent, save the occasional snuffles or mumblings of the sleeping initiates. The chalkboard is still hanging in the wall where Tobias left it, the cause of the chaos that is to happen. Or maybe it won't, if Edward heeded my advice. Or if I can stop Peter.

Sleep tugs at my eyelids; I am exhausted after all the excitement of Visiting Day. But I force myself to be awake, alert. Tomorrow, I'll sleep the exhaustion off. Now, the safety of a fellow initiate is in my hands.

I keep my ears cocked, listening for any little sound. Finally, after what seems like forever, I hear what no one in their sleep would be able to — the creaking of beds, and barely audible whispers. My bed is between Edward's and Peter's; I need to give them the time to move forward. I lie very still, and my ears catch the sound of quiet footsteps. My heart is hammering away, too loud, it feels. And finally, as I hear a scuffling sound, I leap out of my bed.

It's too difficult to see in the dark, and I have no time to let my eyes adjust as I move forward. I can dimly make out two dark shapes by the bed. I don't pause to think. I swing my fist at one of them.

There is a yelp of surprise and pain. I hit Drew. The figure falls. The other one, evidently Peter, turns away at me, and all of a sudden, I find myself fighting in the dark against two burly boys. I can't go for strategy, I just swing my hands and legs in the most offensive way I know. I hear grunts of pain. But then, a fist collides heavily with my head, throwing me backwards. A scream slips out of my lips.

"What —" I look, ignoring the ringing in my ears, to see Peter raising his knife at Edward, who has woken up.

"Hey, what —" Edward yelps, "Help!"

I can barely hold myself steady, but I leap at Peter, tackling him to the ground. Someone runs toward the door. Probably Drew, escaping. All around, by the sounds of it, people are beginning to wake. I have to hold him for a few more seconds.

"Stiff!" Peter growls. "You —"

"Stop — it!" I grunt, struggling to keep him down. He is too big and strong for me.

"Let — go!" And suddenly there is blinding pain in my left arm, and a ripping feeling, and the pain just seems to be extending down towards my forearm. Oh God, such pain, I can't... I can't... A scream rips through me.

There is the sound of rushing footsteps, towards the direction of the light switch. The dormitory is in chaos; people are talking, shouting, confused. I can't stand the pain, and I'm focused on holding Peter and stopping screaming, neither of which I seem to be very successful in, when suddenly, I am thrown violently to the floor. There's the sound of someone running away. And then someone _finally_ switches on the light.

I blink up dazedly from the ground at the faces peering down at me, before the burning in my arm calls my attention. I look down, only to find a jagged wound running down my forearm like a long, grotesque red tattoo. A butter knife is embedded at the end into my flesh.

Swallowing back the bile which rises in my throat, I very carefully pull the knife out of my arm and let it drop, covered in blood, to the floor. All around me, blood is splattered in little pools.

The clatter of the knife brings everyone out of their daze. Christina pushes forward, her hand over her mouth.

"What happened?" she queries, looking terrified. "God, Tris, that's a nasty wound! How did you — okay, forget it. Let's get you to the infirmary, now."

I don't protest, allowing Will, Christina and Al to support me up. Blood flows freely from my wound, dripping and dripping to the floor, staining it a deeper red. As my friends push me on, I glance at Edward. His is still in bed, white and shaking. I allow myself to steered on, not caring this once about who will clear the mess and who will comfort Edward. I can't do anything by worrying anyway.

The three of us make our way towards the infirmary. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Molly following us. I wonder why? Her presence gives me a bad feeling. She can't be coming out of kindness.

"What happened back there?" Christina asks me.

"Peter and Drew tried to attack Edward. I stopped them, and managed to get hurt."

Will opens his mouth to say something, but Molly's voice cuts him off.

"Is that what happened, now?" she remarks snidely.

We have reached the infirmary; Al goes to hunt for a nurse. I lean against one of the beds. My wound is still bleeding, but the sting and the pain feels like an unwelcome habit now.

"Why, what do you think?" I look at Molly with raised eyebrows. "That Peter and I were having a late night dinner date, and fought over the butter knife?"

"No." Her grin is slow, ugly, and for some reason, terrifying. "What I think is that you attacked Peter."

I stare at her, staggered. "What?"

"Peter beat you in the fight and the ranks . Maybe you wanted revenge."

 _That is what_ he _wanted, not me!_ I want to scream out. But I have trouble forming a sentence coherently, so shocked I am at Molly's attack.

"How — how dare you — how can you even —"

"It makes more sense than your fairy tale anyway, doesn't it?" Molly goes on mercilessly, leering at me. "Peter is not a psychopath. You, on the other hand, I'm not sure about." She makes a show of inspecting her old bruises. I want to punch her now, so that they come into sharp focus again. "I really couldn't walk straight for two days after what you did to me, could I?" And her job done, she smirks at me, before leaving the room.

This is Molly's revenge on me for beating her.

For seconds, I sit on the bed, ashen-faced and stunned. Then I look at Will and Christina. To my dismay, neither of them meets my eyes.

"You don't — you don't believe her, d-do you?" I stutter.

"Well, I — I don't —" Will looks uncomfortable, suddenly very interested at the floor. I don't know if he is about to support me or not; I'm not sure he does, either.

"Were you? About to attack Peter?" Christina asks, looking uncertain and afraid.

"Of course not!" I can't believe that my friends can lose trust in me so easily, because of Molly, of all people. "You can ask Edward — I'm sure he'll tell you —"

"How did you know?" Christina says quietly. In absence of the usual mirth in them, her chocolate brown eyes look cold.

"What?"

"How did you know that Peter was about to attack Edward? He wasn't hurt."

"That's because I stopped him!" Why is she acting so foolishly?

"Yes, but how did you turn up at the exact moment they were attacking? Weren't you asleep?"

"I — I couldn't sleep. I heard a scuffle so I went to check."

Will and Christina nod, but neither looks convinced. I look on, aghast. This is what I get for trying to save someone? Disbelief, suspicion?

"What can I do to make you believe me?" Anger rises in me, making me feel hot, suffocated. "Why is it that you believe Molly, but not me?" My voice rises with every word.

"Tris —" Christina looks panicked.

"No! Don't 'Tris' me! Tell me what my crime is, why am I not worthy of your trust?" I am shaking with anger. Will takes half a step back from me.

 _Calm down_ , a voice in my head tells me. I am not helping my cause with my screaming.

"Just leave already." I lower my voice.

"Tris, we —"

"No, please. Just leave me alone." I don't want to stay in the same room as them, the people I thought were my best friends, but who are doubting my intentions at the smallest turn. Is this because I outranked them? I remember the cool demeanor they had shown at the end of stage two last time, how they had suspected that I was tricking them by acting weak. This feels the same all over again.

Christina presses her lips in a thin line, but doesn't say anything. Together, she and Will leave.

A nurse has arrived by this time. I let her fuss over my arm. She is doing something with salves and bandages, but I feel nothing. I just feel numb. Tired. Betrayed.


	9. The Goodness in Us All

**My, was this chapter hard to write! I've been down with the flu for the last few days, and lines just don't seem to come when you're having a headache and a sore throat, do they? But anyway, it's done: the longest chapter yet!**

 **Thank you for all the reviews so far, and the favorites, follows and reads. I'm ever so grateful to you..love you loads. A special thanks to all those who took their time to review every chapter. You are fab!**

 **So, on with it! Enjoy!**

* * *

I don't know how long I have been sitting in the infirmary, staring at the dull walls. The nurse told me that I was to stay the night, and I'd be free to go in the morning.

Al walks into my line of vision, before sitting down at the foot of my bed.

"How are you?" he asks.

" _How are you?"_ I can't help my humorless laugh. "How would _you_ be, if the people you thought were your best friends choose to believe your arch-enemy over you?"

I immediately feel bad for snapping at Al as hurt flashes in his big brown eyes. My anger subsides. I shouldn't let out my problems on everyone.

"I'm sorry," I say, looking down. "That was out of line. I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just that —"

"Yeah, it's okay. I understand." Al smiles at me. "I — I believe you."

I look up, feeling grateful to him. At least someone does. "Thank you, Al."

He shifts closer to me, suddenly enfolding my small hand in his larger one. For a second, I'm frozen, but then my brain kicks in. I am with Tobias. I can't lead him on. I don't want him to get any hints. In a swift move, I remove my hand from his.

"I'm sorry, Al, but I —"

He blushes bright red, looking away.

"No, it's — um, I'm sorry — I shouldn't have —" He shakes his head, completely flustered. "I'll just leave. Get some sleep, Tris. Goodnight."

I nod. This turned awkward, really fast. "Er, yeah. You too. Thanks again. For everything." He nods, and with a small wave of his hand, walks out. Left alone, I am free to lean back into my pillow, calling sleep to me and trying to keep my thoughts from turning dark.

-o0o-

I wake up to the sound of shuffling feet. I open my eyes groggily, the infirmary a blur in my half awake state. Pushing myself up on my good hand, I find myself facing a hard-muscled back of a tall figure moving towards the door. I begin to call out, but all that comes out is a mumbled, "Huh?"

The figure turns around. It's Edward.

"Oh, Tris, you are awake!" He moves back to sit at the foot of my bed as I sit up to give him space. "I came to visit you, but saw that you were still asleep, so I was about to leave."

"Well, I'm awake now," I say with a little laugh. "At your service."

"Yeah, I —" He looks a little uncomfortable. Well, no wonder. We didn't talk to each other properly even once before yesterday. "I came to see how you were holding up."

"I'm fine now," I say, flexing my injured arm a little for effect. It stings, but only a little. "The nurse said I can leave in the morning, so, any moment now, that is."

He nods, smiling. "Thank you, Tris. For everything you did yesterday. I should have talked to you right after, but I was — too shaken up, you know. If you hadn't turned up in time, I don't know what would have happened."

I know exactly what would have happened, but obviously, I'm not telling.

"You were really brave. I'm sorry you had to get hurt because of me," Edward continues, eyeing my bandaged arm. "I just — can't ever thank you enough. You saved my life."

I blush, looking down. "It was nothing, Edward." But he just shakes his head, still wearing that grateful smile. I finally feel like I did something right last night.

"Four just announced the cuts some fifteen minutes ago," Edward says after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Really?" I ask, surprised. "Has it been that late?" The infirmary is uniformly lit, not giving any indication of the time. As it is, the Dauntless headquarters is largely underground. My gray watch is in my drawer in the dormitory. "What's the time?"

"It's fifteen minutes past ten," Edward informs me. My jaw drops.

"No way! I slept through half the morning? I must have been really tired."

He smiles. "You had every right to be."

"So, Al and Myra?" I asks. My heart feels a little heavy, knowing how Al must be feeling, but at least he'll live if he is factionless. I suppose it's all for the better.

"Yes," Edward nods. "But Al's not leaving. I am."

I stare. "What?"

"Myra got cut. I think I should leave with her. We were supposed to be together, after all."

"But — but Edward, you were first!" I splutter. "Of all people, if there's someone who shouldn't leave, it's you! You earned your place here."

But Edward only smiles sadly, and shrugs. "You're right, Tris, but I don't think you understand. Myra agreed to join Dauntless only because I wanted to. Then, we had no idea what we were up for. Myra was happy in Erudite; she would have stayed if I hadn't planned to leave. When I told her, she decided to come with me. Her family wasn't happy about it, but she broke away from them to be with me. I had never thought things would be so tough for her here." He pauses slightly, and sighs. "I was really happy with my performance here; I was ecstatic when I came first. But then I saw her face...

"She doesn't want me to give up everything for her, but after everything she has done, I think it's only fair. She deserves it. She left for me, now I should leave for her." He clears his throat awkwardly, and gives a nervous laugh. "I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to say all that out loud. I just... needed to get it off my chest, I guess."

"No, it's okay," I say, a little dazed. "I understand."

And really, I do. Last time, Myra had voluntarily left to care for Edward. Sure, she was about to get cut, but she gave up on the slightest possible chance that she might be spared. She left out of love. My mother, too, was supposed to transfer to Erudite, but she moved to Abnegation with Dad because he didn't wish to stay in Erudite. And I know that if some circumstance led Tobias to leave, I'd follow him too. And in the time I left behind with my death, I know that he would have done the same. He _had_ done the same. He had risked death again and again to save my life. And at the moment, I understand exactly what Edward is talking about.

"It's your decision," I say, smiling sadly. "I am sorry we never got around to be friends, but your presence will be missed."

He laughs a little, but there is sadness in his eyes. "Yeah, thanks. I am sorry too. Take care of yourself. Being Dauntless doesn't seem easy. And this is only the first step."

I nod. "And Edward? Being factionless isn't that bad. It's certainly better than death."

"I hope so." He looks a little uncertain.

"I know it," I say with conviction. "Don't worry... Just take care of Myra."

"If you say so," he grins, standing up to leave.

"Oh, Edward!" I call again, unable to silence myself. "I am afraid that... the factionless... may rebel soon, and you know it won't be surprising, given their condition. But in that situation, please remember that violence won't cure anything. Breaking the base on which we grew up won't serve any purpose."

"Deep wisdom again!" he laughs. "Is that an Abnegation thing?"

"No." I smile shyly. "Just a Tris thing, I suppose."

"I'll remember that." He nods solemnly. "I got enough proof of what happens when I don't." He gives me a last smile at the door. "I'll always remember you, Tris. I owe you my life. And someday, I hope to return the favor." And with a little nod and a smile, he leaves.

I carefully climb down from the bed, lost in thought. Saving Edward didn't quite have the consequences I had expected, but there might be a silver lining here, too. Last time, Edward left with a vengeance, with hatred towards Peter, towards Dauntless and towards the harshness of the faction system. His streak of violence had increased so much that it even became too much for Myra. But this tune, he leaves for love. Maybe this time, the couple won't be broken apart. Maybe Myra will be able to save Edward from falling into the spiral of hatred and violence. And perhaps I have found myself a friend who may be of great use in the future.

After all these days of experiencing my second chance at life, I finally feel like I have done something worthwhile.

-o0o-

I come across Al while moving towards the dormitory.

"Tris!" He smiles at me, but there's still a strain of awkwardness in the air. "You okay?"

"Hey Al." I return a small smile. "Yes, I am perfectly fine now. The nurse let me go."

"Did you hear about the cuts?"

"Yes, I did. Edward's leaving with Myra."

"Yeah." He sighs a little. "I guess I shouldn't be pleased... but... I got lucky this time."

"Yeah! See, you made it through. Best of luck for the next stage." My smile doesn't feel real. I don't know why, even the words feel fake in my mouth. At the moment, Al's just not the person I'd like to talk to. There is another awkward little pause, before he nods and moves on, giving me a small smile.

I really do want to feel happy for Al, but I just don't. Instead, I feel a pressing weight of responsibility on my chest. I was relieved at the thought of him being cut; I wouldn't have to worry about his depression and suicide. But now, there's that too, because I know that there is no way he will do well in stage two. The simulations require mental strength, and Al simply appears to have none.

I sigh, lightly kicking the rocky floor with my boots. Do I want to save his life? Yes, I do. At least I think so, for now. But when the time comes? I don't know.

The meeting with Al robs me of the desire to get back to the dorm. I also realize that going back would mean seeing Christina and Will, and I have no desire to face them. I spend the day alone, walking about in the Pit and sitting at the tattoo parlor by myself, having lunch at a table where I don't have a fellow initiate within a five meter radius, and essentially doing nothing. Solitude makes me succumb to brooding. I have been living my life a second time for around a week now, and running my mind through what has happened, I can't help the cold flood of disappointment that runs through me. I have hardly done anything useful at all. In fact, the only essentially good thing I seem to have done is thwart Peter's attack on Edward. Will I ever be able to improve things at all? What if I make them worse? I feel the beginnings of a headache as I ponder. At the moment, the person I hate most in the world is myself.

I return to the dormitory at night only when it is rather late, and all the initiates are already asleep. My eyes drift to the board as I climb into my bed. Edward and Myra's names have been struck out; Peter is first now, and I am second. Suddenly, another list flashes in my mind — with more names struck out than those intact. Natalie Prior, Andrew Prior, Will, Marlene, Fernando, Lynn, Tori, Uriah Beatrice, among so many others. Tobias, Christina, Caleb — lonely names in the midst of all the strike-outs. What if I fail? What if this time, the number of the names struck out is even more? Tears come to my eyes.

I punch my pillow, choking back a sob as I try to block out all thoughts before closing my eyes.

For the first time since I came back, I find myself doubting if I did the right thing by not choosing to die.

-o0o-

The next day feels just the same as yesterday. The loneliness is getting to me. It's not as if I am used to a lot of company and fun, but somehow, I miss Christina and Will — Christina's bursts of blatant honesty and her obsession with makeup, and Will's witty jokes. I have been avoiding Al too; I just don't feel up to talking to him. It's difficult to think that things had actually been perfectly fine till Visiting Day, given the down in the dumps feeling I have been moving around with.

It's noon. Lunchtime. But I am not really hungry. I just loiter around, kicking one foot with the other. I don't bother to see where I am going, slouching with my hands in my trouser pockets, drifting from the Pit to one of the hallways. That is, until I walk straight into a solid wall of muscle, which throws me back a couple of steps.

"Ouch! I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was heading and I — oh." I look up to see who I'd hit, only to find myself looking into Tobias' eyes.

"Hey." He smiles at me. On cue, I find myself smiling back. "Did no one teach you to not wander in random hallways?"

"No. Apparently my instructor was a little deficient in those lessons," I reply cheekily. He chuckles.

"Feeling witty, are we?" His eyes fall on my bandaged arm. "How's the arm?"

"Okay," I reply. He takes my hand in his, closely inspecting the patched up wound. I make no attempt at retracting it, pressing my lips together to suppress my smile; I could let him hold my hand forever.

"Jane did a good job on this," he comments. "The nurse," he explains at my confused look. His fingers move to my forehead, brushing against the dark bruise which has bloomed from that punch by Peter or Drew. His touch feels more healing than the balms that the nurse used.

"So you had to put up your head again and jump to someone's rescue."

"Do you realise how much you sound like Eric?" I cross my arms. His eyes widen in horror.

"No!"

"Yes, you do." I laugh at his expression. "Maybe that's why I like you so much. You are not very nice, you know." I feel like giggling, remembering the last time I had said these words.

"Maybe that's why I like you too," he laughs after a second of surprised silence. "You are not very nice either. I do hope you won't be using those words for Eric, though," he adds, his eyes narrowing playfully.

"Never!" I open my eyes in mock horror. "God, he's just —" I make a face to express what my words can't. It makes him laugh, and I join in. We spend a few moments laughing together, and I feel better already.

"But really," I say, feeling serious once again, "Do you honestly want me to stand back when one of my fellow initiates is attacked? Would _you_ have done that?"

"No, but that's different! You don't need to get the attention of the leaders any more than absolutely necessary."

"Seriously!" I know he is right; but for some unknown reason I feel the need to prove my logic to him. I don't want him to think I am standing up for people just for the sake of recklessness or heroism or something like that. "Would you rather have an initiate leaving because they lost one eye to someone's spite?"

He opens his mouth to speak, and then frowns. "Wait... Lost an eye? How did you know that Peter was aiming for Edward's eye? The boy himself talked about an attack in general, and I don't think there was enough light for you to see which body part Peter was aiming for, if Edward himself didn't."

I pale. Oh no, again. And Tobias' intelligence and observing skills... How am I going to evade this?

"Tris!"

I turn around at the familiar voice to see Uriah walking down the Pit with a group of Dauntless-borns. Relief floods through me.

"Oh, Uriah!" I turn to Tobias. "I'll just go see what he wants."

Tobias stretches his hand to stop me, but I am already hurrying away from him.

"Tris, wait!"

"See you in a while!" And without looking back, I rush off. If there's any good luck in my store, he might not bring this up again. I really need to be careful at what I say around him. In trying to be informal, I'm slipping far too often.

"Did I interrupt something?" Uriah asks once I reach him. "If you were busy —"

"No, no, of course not!" I say hurriedly, keeping my voice low, so that it wouldn't carry over to Tobias. "I'm delighted that you turned up! Eh, so — your friends seem to be getting ahead, and I'd rather not hold you up. Let's get a move on, shall we?"

He gives me a strange look, but nods and starts walking nonetheless. I look at Tobias, who is still standing farther away in the hallway, and flash him what I hope is a 'I'm-really-sorry-but-this-is-urgent-so-see-you-later' smile. His expression is difficult to read, except for the small frown on his face, but he raises a hand in farewell, watching me leave.

Once we are out of his sight, I feel like hugging Uriah tightly and squealing 'My savior!'. If he hadn't turned up, I'd doubtlessly be in a tight situation. I resist on the squealing bit, but give him a hug nevertheless.

"Wow, lost your Stiffness pretty soon?" He laughs. "But seriously, Tris, were you busy with Four? I'd rather not get on his bad side..."

"No, we were just talking," I say quickly. "You popped up at a very right moment."

"I heard about the ruckus in your dorm, with that Edward guy," he says, his eyes drifting briefly to my arm.

"Yeah, it was a bit of a mess."

He nods, a little smile on his lips. "Want to get out of here?"

"What?" I ask. "Where are you going?"

"To a little initiation ritual," he says. "Come on. We have to hurry."

Given my current situation, I'd go anywhere he takes me, but I keep wondering, my memory yet to catch up with me. We increase our pace so that we reach the rest of the group.

"The only initiates they usually let come are ones with older siblings in Dauntless," Uriah says. "But they might not even notice. Just act like you belong."

"What exactly are we doing?"

"Something dangerous," he says, a look of maniacal delight on his face which only comes with being a Dauntless. And at that moment, I realize just what we are about to do. I'm surprised at myself for not remembering earlier, but then I guess that I was too preoccupied in other thoughts for that memory to come up.

We are going to the Hancock Building. For zip lining.

My breath hitches with excitement. For the first time in the last two days, I feel truly awake.

We reach the crowd of Dauntless, melting in the sea of black. I spot a few faces which I have become familiar with over time, Lynn's shaved head prominent among them.

"What's the _Stiff_ doing here?" asks a boy with a metal ring between his nostrils.

Uriah opens his mouth to retort, but surprisingly, Lynn beats him to it. "I'd like to see _you_ get your arm cut up to save another guy, Gabe," she snaps. "So shut your trap." She looks at me. "Don't think that I like you just because I'm speaking out for you," she mutters, "but that," she jabs at my bandaged arm, and smirks when I jerk it back, wincing, "was pretty brave."

"Thanks," I laugh. We all march out towards the back door.

I was excited beyond reason for zip lining a second time, but what I had not expected was how much of a healing experience it would be. I smile as I see Zeke and Shauna, and how Zeke and Uriah keep up their playful banter. Running through the streets and boarding the train feels like familiar fun. And when we finally reach the hundredth floor of Hancock Building, I can hardly keep my face from splitting into a wide grin and my heart from hammering with delight. I just feel a tiny twinge of disappointment that Tobias isn't here, but I know that it would take only the most desperate situation to make him join this wild activity. I remember the dream where he did it for me, and my heart swells.

"Ready, Stiff?" Zeke smirks down at me, when I am strapped onto the sling. "I have to say, I'm impressed that you aren't screaming and crying right now." I just chuckle. I am more ready for this than anyone else.

"Ready, set, g—" And before I can even hear him complete the sentence, I am zooming downwards. I soak in the exhilarating experience as I move faster and faster towards the ground, recalling Tobias' experience from the dream and feeling that he is, once more, with me. This time, I am real, and his is the ghostly presence, but we are still one and the same.

I return to the headquarters once everyone is done. I never realized how much this experience would mean for me; it has woken me up from my haze of self-doubt and gloom. This time, it was double the fun.

I stand among the Dauntless-borns, once again feeling like I belong with them, and they seem to feel the same. But then my eyes drift over to one of the tables, and lock with Will and Christina's. For a second, I am frozen. The moment feels tense and uncomfortable even from this distance. Then I break the gaze and begin to walk away from them _. I don't need them, if they don't trust me_ , I try to tell myself. I can easily sit with Uriah, or even alone. I can do without them.

"Tris!"

I look back at Will's voice, and my resolve crumbles. Who am I kidding? I can't do without them, even if I'm the only one who knows it. Feeling the hesitation in my steps, I move up to them.

"What is it?" I keep the defiance and the distance in my voice. They struggle to meet my eyes.

"Look, we heard what happened from Edward," Christina begins. "I'm — I'm sorry we didn't believe you... It was completely unfair."

"Yeah, I don't know what came over us to believe Molly," Will continues. "I'm really sorry, Tris. Forgive us, please?"

I hesitate for a couple of seconds. But the remorse in their eyes is genuine, and I think back to all the moments where Christina proved to be indispensable, and the pain and guilt I felt when I killed Will. What is friendship if I can't learn to forgive?

"It's okay," I say finally, pulling up a smile. "I'm sorry for yelling that night. I just lost my temper."

"So, we are good?" Will places his hand on the table, and Christina places hers on top of his. They both look at me expectantly.

I smile, placing my hand on the top. The gesture feels like a bond, a firm, new bond between us three.

"Yes, we are definitely good."

-o0o-

When I'm sure that all the inhabitants of the dormitory are sound asleep, I crawl out of bed and pull on the black hoodie hidden under my pillow that I bought earlier today. I drag my feet away from the bed soundlessly, but at the last moment, I stub my toe against the foot of the bed. Stifling the curses that come to my lips, I quickly look around to see if I have awakened anyone. Thankfully, no one seems to have been disturbed.

"A little more... lipstick..." I hear from the direction of Christina's bed. Chuckling quietly to myself, I slip out of the dormitory and move soundlessly out of the headquarters. My heart hammers in my ribcage. Tonight will means a lot — if I do things right, I might be ahead in my plan by several steps, and if I make a mistake, everything can come crashing down.

I have to pay extra attention as I manage to get out of the Dauntless area. Perhaps it is only my paranoia, but I feel as if every step I take is being watched. Once I near the train tracks, I start running, not pausing to look back. Unlike Tobias, I don't have the train schedule memorized, but the train comes soon enough, and I slip in without trouble. I look out into the distance, arranging my thoughts, until the Erudite buildings show up in the distance. The train slows down and I jump off.

Scanning the surroundings through the darkness, my first thought is, _Maybe she didn't come after all._ But a closer look at a particularly shadowy spot near a hedge reveals a petite figure in a dark blue hooded jacket. I quickly walk towards her.

"Cara."

She jumps, and after the split second's terror, her face shows relief. "Oh, it's you. Thank God. Have you thought of a place where we can talk?"

My first choice would be Millennium park, but knowing that the Bureau has its cameras there too, we'd better not go there. I look at her.

"Can you board a train?"

"Y-you Dauntless are crazy people," Cara huffs once she is on the train, sinking to the floor as her knees give away. "I don't know what Will was thinking when he transferred."

We sit down, leaning against the walls as the train keeps moving. I clear my throat. It's time to start talking.

"How close are you to Jeanine, Cara?" I know that I can trust her enough; she turned against her own faction to avenge her brother, but I still need to be careful.

Cara looks startled. "I work in one of the senior departments, but there is no real personal interaction between us," she says. "Why?"

"I'd rather we begin on friendly terms, " I reply, "but if you tell a word about our meetings or any of the information I trust you with to anyone, I am afraid I can do nothing to stop your brother's death."

She purses her lips; anger flashes in her eyes. "The words sound strange from someone who my brother calls his friend. But you don't have to worry; I swear that no one else will hear about this, and I stick to my promises."

I nod. "You asked me about my old faction. I'm from Abnegation. My name is Beatrice Prior."

Cara blanches. "Abnegation? You are an Abnegation leader's daughter? I can't believe —" she moves as if to stand up.

"You want to save your brother's life, don't you?" I am surprised at how cold and controlled my voice sounds. "I don't think you have any other option than hearing me out."

She scowls, but doesn't move. "I can't believe I'm allying up with a _Stiff_ ," she mutters.

"I'm a Dauntless now, if it's any comfort to you. Now, Cara, do you know anything about the Erudite planning an attack on the Abnegation?"

I don't really expect her to answer in the affirmative, but to my surprise, Cara looks down, suddenly uncomfortable.

"You do?" I can't help the surging anger. "You know that an entire faction is about to be wiped out, and you feel nothing about it?"

"The Abnegation are a bunch of lying cowards, hoarding goods in the name of charity!" she snaps.

"The Abnegation are not hoarding back anything!" I retort. "All our supply is used to help the Factionless."

"You're not as Dauntless as you say, if you are still referring to them as 'us'," Cara smirks. "Anyway, I don't know much about it. All I have heard is that the Abnegation are about to release some information which will destroy our city, and that they need to be stopped."

"That's all very well," I say with forced calm, "but what they haven't told you is that the Erudite are going to use the Dauntless as their weapons. The Dauntless are going to be turned into mindless soldiers for the purpose. There will be bloodshed; nearly all of the Abnegation will be wiped out, and quite a few of the Dauntless too." Cara looks pale, her lips parted in shock.

"It's understandable," I continue. "The Erudite have no military power of their own. They have to rely on the Dauntless. You know Eric? You must know he is an Erudite transfer. What do you think is the purpose of him being a Dauntless leader? Why do you think Jeanine visits the Dauntless compounds so often? Yes," I nod, looking at her chalk white face and terrified green eyes, "it is because of this attack that Will dies."

"How — how do you know this?" Cara whispers.

I am tempted to lie to her and tell her that I have sources, but I know that the best way is the truth. I hate that she should be the first person to be trusted with the secret; it should have been Tobias. Maybe I will tell him someday, soon. I'll have to. But for now, I must focus at the task at hand.

"It might sound unbelievable, but my consciousness is from the future. I know what is about to happen in coming days, because to me, it has happened once already. I don't know if it makes any sense to you... but that is what happened."

Cara looks dumbfounded. "It — it isn't possible."

"I know, that's what anyone would think. But that's the truth. If I had to lie to you, don't you think I'd make up a more believable story?"

For a few seconds, there is silence. Then Cara shrugs. "Well, I don't suppose I have any option other than believing you," she says. "But Tris... in what you've been through, who killed Will? Maybe if we get rid of that person earlier..."

My heart falters. Damn it. After all the plans I made, why had I not thought of this? Of course she would want to know. I take a deep breath. Once again, I have a chance of lying, but I am not sure blaming anyone else would help. It won't be fair, in any case. I had lied to Christina about it; I know what it feels like. I take a deep breath.

"I did."

"What?" Cara visibly shrinks away from me. She hurriedly stands up, her feet a little unsteady with the saying motion of the train. "You did?"

I look down and nod.

"And you expect me to help you." She laughs, a crazed, panicked laughter. Hysterical. "First I find that you are an Abnegation leader's daughter, and then this! Did you really expect me to help my brother's killer?" Her voice is steely, cold. "Whatever gave you the idea, Tris Prior?"

"I never wanted to, did I?" I snap defensively, springing to my feet. A long time's practice holds my footing steady. "I never meant to kill him! He — he was under the simulation. He was about to kill me, and I...I did it to save myself." Tears spring to my eyes as I remember that night, a memory that will never cease to torture me. "Do you think I don't feel guilty about it? Do you think it hasn't haunted me every day, every single moment of my existence? He was..." _Is. He is still alive. And will be_. "... is my best friend! Why else am I asking for your help to stop this?" The memories cloud my mind. The gunshots. His hands pointing the gun at me. His eyes. _No, no, not now._

"It has always been my biggest regret, Cara. I want him to live. I want to save him. Save them all. And that's why I need your help." I look at her. She is still not looking at me, her eyes wet. I sigh.

"I know it must be hard for you to forgive me, to trust me. But please do. If you can trust me even a little, I'd like you to research about every simulation serum in Jeanine's possession, even any experimental one, for the... Divergent. And any way of inoculation one can provide against them. Please. And if you can do it, meet me at same place, same time, in three days, maybe...please?" I look at her with pleading eyes, but she doesn't meet my eyes. I look down, disheartened. Maybe I messed it up again; I missed my chance. I'll have to think of a way to fight alone now. Hopelessness swamps me.

The train slows down as it nears the Erudite quarters. Cara makes her way to the door. I feel as if all my hope is leaving with her.

"Cara?" I suddenly can't stop myself as I look at the large stone buildings standing still and cold. She looks at me, surprised. She probably hadn't anticipated me saying anything more.

"Yes?"

"Do you know Caleb?"

"I do, but not well," she says a little uncertainly. "Why?"

"Nothing... he — um... is my brother. If you see him, please tell him that I am sorry, and that I still love him. And... if you can, please look out for him. Ask him to take care."

For a moment, Cara's expression is unreadable, and then she nods. I look away. This meeting is over.

"Tris?" I look up, startled. Cara stands at the door, her golden hair flowing out in the wind.

"I'll see you in three days," she says. "And I'll do my best." And with a teary smile and a nod, she jumps off, leaving me to smile to myself through the rest of my journey.

* * *

 **How was it, then? Hope you liked it.**

 **A little bad news, friends: My exams begin within a week, and if I want to do decently, I really need to stop writing. So I am taking around a month long break from fanfiction, and I'll be back after graduation. I'm so sorry for holding up the story like this, but I'll be back and then on with this, promise. Hope you understand.**

 **Love you all!**

 **So long!**


	10. Hide and Seek

**Yes, I'm supposed to be on hiatus, but I managed to pick out the little free time I had over these days to put together this chapter and decided to put it up, because, well, something's better than nothing, right?Hope it's not too bad. Don't expect more updates anytime too soon though (sorry).**

 **And well, guys thank you so much! Over one hundred reviews and 5000 reads! I can't say just how overjoyed I am! Love you all SO MUCH! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! :) I am just so grateful to you all... Your support is my greatest motivation.**

 **Anyway, without further ado, I present the next chapter :)**

* * *

The comforting silence and oblivion of sleep is broken with a voice that sounds too high-pitched and way too annoying.

"Morning! Rise and shine, gorgeous!"

I bury my face deeper into my pillow. "Go away," I mumble, which I suppose comes out as an incoherent mumble.

"Tris! Wake up!" Christina's voice has never sounded so irritating. I try to block out the sound, but my efforts are wasted as someone pulls the sheet away from me. I get up, defeated.

"Why can't you just let me sleep?" I whine, rubbing my eyes.

"Our stage two of initiation begins today," Christina announces, like it is the inauguration of a fair instead of a perfectly horrible test. Well, poor girl, she doesn't know what is in store for us. Her eyes take in my attire. "Why have you been sleeping in a jacket?"

"Oh, er—" I was so tired, both mentally and physically, after returning to the dormitory last night, that I had no energy to even change into my nightclothes. I'd just fallen into the bed, jacket and all. "I was cold, and the sheet wasn't helping enough."

"It suits you well." She nods at my figure appreciatively. Trust Christina to have an eye for looks and attires. "Well, come on, get up. We have to get ready!"

"Get ready? What do you mean?" I look at her, confused.

But I find out exactly what she means as she works her liner and eye shadow on me after I am done with my shower.

"Seriously, Christina?" I look at her incredulously. "What makes you think that makeup will help us get ahead in the second stage?"

"Who knows?" She shrugs, still focused on making my eyes look prominent. "It might involve something with impressing the senior Dauntless."

The suggestion is so utterly ridiculous, I burst out laughing, earning myself a rebuke from her for smudging the edge of the dark trail of liner.

"Don't burst her bubble, Tris" Will says lightly, in the process of folding the bed sheets.

"What makes her so happy, anyway?"

"I got my best friend back," Christina says, stepping back from me to inspect her handiwork. "Now, don't you look fine?"

"You are one to speak," I reply, half-joking, "You had Will, and Al too."

"Nothing like a girlfriend!" Christina laughs. "I can't try my makeup skills on Will, can I?"

The expression of horror on Will's face is priceless.

"Oh, so it's just the makeup?" I tease.

"No, but it's definitely one of the pros," she smiles back.

"On a more serious note, though, we can't possibly expect them to go easy on us, after they made us board and jump off a moving train and jump down a seven stories tall building right at the beginning, and then fight each other." I can't tell them outright what is in store for us without giving away too much, but I want them to at least be serious about it. This stage won't be easy.

"I won't be surprised if they let loose hungry dogs on us and tell us to run," Will says worriedly.

"The second stage is supposed to test us emotionally," I remind him.

"It won't be very emotionally pleasing, will it?" Will counters. "Or maybe we will have to face our worst fears." I am surprised at how accurate he is in his guess. The mood in the room literally crashes.

"Hey, why can't it be impressing the senior Dauntless, if it's about the emotional stuff?" Christina says in an attempt to diffuse the tension.

"Yeah, what, they'll ask you to do a striptease?" Will teases her, laughing.

"You wish," she shoots back. "But really, if it's someone like Four, he's going to be a hell of a tough nut to crack."

"I don't understand how you seem to be fine with handling Eric, but you are terrified of Four," I say.

"Eric's a bullying douchebag," Christina says dismissively, "but Four, he is something else."

Is it awe that I hear in her voice? Once again, an unreasonable jealousy closes around me, making me want to punch her in the face. Whoa, I am becoming really possessive. _Quit it, idiot! She's going be with Will._

"Maybe that's because he gave you an earful on the first day," Will chuckles good-naturedly. Christina turns beet red.

"Will!"

I smile at them as Will tries to placate Christina. Yes, she's definitely going to be with Will.

"What's the matter, Al? You have been really quiet all this time," Christina asks as we head towards the door. I turn around, surprised; I hadn't even noticed Al's presence in the room. Maybe it's because I didn't want to, really. I find a very pensive Al walking behind Will.

"Nothing," he mumbles. "Just worried about today's work." He has become really quiet after the end of first stage; I suppose he is afraid of what's in store for him, for us all. Because it takes no genius to figure out that things aren't going to get easier. That's why two comes after one, and not the reverse.

"Aren't we all?" Will says with some amount of forced lightheartedness; the jokes and chatter of a few minutes ago have completely dissolved. "But let's at least enjoy breakfast."

And so we do. Or at least try to.

-o0o-

One would think that sitting in silence and looking at a closed door, knowing what's about to happen inside will give you some better vibes than sitting in silence and looking at the door and wondering what's happening, but I don't think I am feeling any better than the others. There's a constant unpleasant twisting in my stomach. I wonder if my fears have changed, or if they are still the same. When we go into the fear landscape during the final test, how many fears will I have? Six? More? Less? I don't know, and thinking about it doesn't make it any better.

Everyone is subdued, anticipating what they are about to face. The minutes seem slow as Tobias walks out after short intervals, calling out the names of the initiates. Al is the earliest; Christina too, is called before me. I look as Christina's pale face as she stands up when Tobias calls her name, her expression an attempt at trying to bring up some confidence. I want to comfort her, but there is nothing I can do, so I sit back and wait. Soon, the number of initiates has been reduced to Uriah, Marlene and Lynn among the Dauntless-borns, and Peter, Drew, Molly, Will and me among the transfers. No one speaks. The silence is oppressive. Someone should say something.

"So," says Lynn, as if obliging to the unspoken need, "Which one of you is ranked first, huh?" Her question is met with silence at first, and then Peter clears his throat.

"Me," he says.

"Bet I could take you," Lynn replies with a smirk, turning the ring in her eyebrow with her fingertips. "I'm second, but I bet any of us could take you, transfer." I laugh quietly at the look on Peter's face. I don't mind Lynn's directness anymore; it had seemed rude once, but now I actually like it a lot.

Peter gives me a dirty look, before turning back to Lynn. "I wouldn't be so sure about that, if I were you," he says, his eyes glittering. "Who's first?"

"Uriah," she says. "And I am sure. You know how many years we've spent preparing for this?" Her tone is definitely set to intimidate. Peter glares at her, but before he can reply, Lynn is called away.

"So you're first," Will says to Uriah.

Uriah shrugs. "Yeah. And?"

"And you don't think it's a little unfair that you've spent your entire life getting ready for this, and we're expected to learn it all in a few weeks?" Will says, his eyes narrowing.

"That's not true," I say before I can stop myself. "Stage one was about skill, but no one can prepare for stage two." I don't like how the transfers keep thinking that anyone who is in the lead has been favored. I know the feeling, and I don't want anyone to feel the same way.

"You seem to know a lot about this," Will says, looking surprised. "How's that?"

I blush, looking away. "Well, that's how it appears, if you look around. The Dauntless-borns have grown up fighting, so they were put separately in training because they won't be like us. But since we are all in this together, it must be because no one has an advantage." _Except the Divergent, maybe._ But then, that is what this test has become. A method for Jeanine to find out who is Divergent.

"She is right," Uriah supplies. "For all of Lynn's blustering, none of us know what's supposed to be happening in there." He looks at me. "I even asked Zeke when he passed initiation. He's never told me."

Nobody has anything more to say after that.

Minutes pass in a breathless pause, and soon, Molly is called up, and then Will. That leaves me with only Peter and Drew among the transfers. I don't want to sit anywhere near those two, so I move over to sit close to Uriah once Will is called up. He grins down at me, shoving Marlene to give me some space.

"Nervous?" he asks me.

"Not many things that happen behind closed doors are good," I say.

"Oh, I can think of a few things," he waggles his eyebrows suggestively, "You only have to get the one you want."

I blush, reminded suddenly of that night at the Bureau, between me and Tobias. Marlene laughs.

"You are such a goof, Uri."

"Ha, I'm offended!" Uriah suddenly drops a kiss on Marlene's nose. "There, not even a closed door needed." He grins.

"Eww, gross!" Marlene laughs, wiping at her nose. "Hey, did you hook up with someone, anyway?" She looks at me with keen interest. I blush again.

"I —"

"Who'll want _her_?" Drew comments snidely. "She's got nothing upon her. Body of a twelve year old, I'd say."

"Certainly not someone as blind as you, carrot-head," Uriah retorts. "Don't worry, you're smoking hot," he whispers into my ear, winking. "You should have heard the things some of those idiots in our dorm have been saying about you after zip lining. They're all head over heels. Hell, even Zeke was so impressed, I guess he'd start flirting with you right away if he wasn't obsessed with Shauna."

I laugh, shaking my head. It's good to know that I am liked, but I have the one man I want in this world, and that is all I ask for.

As if he can hear my thoughts, the door opens just then and Tobias steps out. He nods at me.

"Come on, Tris."

I step up, not feeling any more eager to go into the room than I had been last time, perhaps even less. Uriah extends his hand for a fist bump, and with a laugh, I oblige.

"Go, Tris!" he whisper-shouts.

"Thanks," I mouth at him before walking forward. Tobias touches my shoulder, guiding me into the room. I focus on his touch, trying to ignore the unpleasant churning of my stomach. But when I see the chair sitting there, looking so harmless, and the machine I have seen far too many times, I stop, my back hitting his chest. This thing has never given me a single pleasant memory. Only nightmares.

"Sit," Tobias says. He squeezes my arms and pushes me forward. He must be able to feel the tension I'm exuding. It's too prominent.

"You look good," he says, looking at me, between working at the computer.

"Thanks," I laugh shakily. "Christina's handiwork."

"I like you better without makeup, though. Makes you look more real," he says. "You look —" He shakes his head, rubbing at the back of his neck. The tips of his ears have turned pink.

I laugh. I was even more hopeless than him the first time. "Thank you. That's sweet of you to say."

His lips twitch up at one corner. "To business, anyway." He spends a few more seconds at the computer, before coming up to me with a syringe. He brushes my hair with his free hand. There is a sharp sting as the needle plunges.

"This test is about facing your fears, if I may use the term," he explains. "The serum will go into effect in sixty seconds. This simulation is different from the aptitude test," he says. "In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdala, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions—like fear—and then induces a hallucination. The brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down—that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing." I have already heard this from him once, but I nod, licking my dry lips. _It's only a simulation. This will be over soon._

"You will do fine," he reassures me, taking hold of my shaking hands and bunching them together for a few seconds, before letting go. I try to nod, but everything in me feels jumbled up. Tobias plants his hands on the sides of my head, and presses a kiss to my forehead.

"Be brave, Tris," he whispers. "The first time is always the hardest." I stare up at his eyes, seeking courage, seeking _him_ , before my surroundings shift.

The bile-colored sky is what tells me what this fear is, as does the burning smell in the air. _The crows_. I should have been relieved, because I have already faced this several times before. But my heart has already gone into working overdrive; there is a stark sense of discomfort in every cell of my body as I stand in the waist-high grass. And I know it then — the familiar setting doesn't change anything; if anything, I feel even more terrified, recalling the feeling of the birds' flapping feathers and their pecking beaks.

The memory turns to reality very soon, as they come in flocks, overpowering me. All over me. I want to cry and wail for help, but it won't be any use. Tears run down my face as I scream out, my body hurting everywhere. This is terrifying, disgusting, and I am hating every moment of it... this helplessness, losing control. I can't do anything. I'll be reduced to a pecked carcass.

But I can. I won't let this happen. I won't be helpless. _This is a simulation_ , I remind myself. I can change it. The birds will fly away. They'll leave me, because... because...

... _because there's a storm coming_. I repeat the though in my head, again, again and again. There's a storm coming. Lots of rain. And strong wind. The crows won't last.

A loud rumbling noise comes from the sky. Pushing away the birds settling on my face, I look at the sky. It has changed from a sickly yellow to deep gray, a darker shade of what the Abnegation wear. Lightning flashes across like a dagger. The wind picks up, and with another roll of thunder, rain begins to fall.

The birds emit raucous caws, flapping away from me. Lightning strikes somewhere close, and I hear a sharp cry as a crow is incinerated. That hastens their escape. I watch as they fly far, far away, a mass of black against the dark sky. I sit up, freed once more, bloody and battered, and shut my eyes even as the rain soaks me to the skin and the stormy wind tangles my hair, calming myself. I open my eyes to find myself in the chair again, completely dry. I feel a wave of triumph running through me. _It's over. It's over._ But the feeling disappears as soon as I look at Tobias.

He stares at me, standing to my right. There is no attempt to help me up, no smile, no words of encouragement. He just looks at me, like his worst fear has just been confirmed.

"Wh-what?" I ask. In answer, he pulls me out of the chair, and dragging me by the elbow, walks out into a hallway by the back door.

"Do you know how long you were in there?" he asks, his tone hard. It actually frightens me a little.

"I — I don't know..." I try to act stupid, "Half an hour?"

"One minute, fifty-seven seconds," he practically spits out. "You were in the hallucination for _less than two minutes_! How do you explain that?"

I open and close my mouth in shock. That little time? I don't know what to think.

"Passing a simulation in less than two minutes is unheard of. Not only that, you manipulated the simulation!" he sighs, clutching at his hair. "You're Divergent." It's not even a question; it is a statement, an accusation.

This time, I don't beat around the bush. "Yes."

"Well, you need to work on hiding it then!" he snaps. I take a step back from him. Whoa, that was a really quick change from pleasant to crabby. "I'll delete the footage, but unless you want to wind up dead at the bottom of the chasm, I won't have you showing any of it during the simulations! Now, if you'll excuse me." He walks back to the simulation room and slams the door.

I sigh, lowering my head. Of course, how could I have forgotten this? I am not supposed to have awareness in this simulation, nor the ability to manipulate it. That is only for the final test. Now Tobias will have to work to hiding my Divergence. I feel guilty for not remembering.

I walk back to the dormitory, thinking. I am so worried about changing the future, I forget that my Divergence makes me special here, if not anywhere else; it makes me a target. Strange, that in the simple act of reverting back to how our ancestors were, I become a threat to the society.

When I walk into the dorm, most of the initiates, both transfers and Dauntless-borns, are crowded in the bunks, listening as Peter reads a newspaper article, standing in the center.

" _The mass exodus of the children of Abnegation leaders cannot be ignored or attributed to coincidence,"_ he reads. _"The recent transfer of Beatrice and Caleb Prior, the children of Andrew Prior, calls into question the soundness of Abnegation's values and teachings."_ I freeze, my hands clenching into fists. They went for my father. Just like last time. I know that they are planning much worse, buy that doesn't stop the chill in my spine. _Those cowardly, lying —_

Christina, standing on the edge of the crowd, looks over her shoulder and spots me. She gives me a worried look. I want to walk out, but I just stand.

" _Why else would the children of such an important man decide that the lifestyle he has set out for them is not an admirable one?"_ Peter continues. _"Molly Atwood, a fellow Dauntless transfer, suggests a disturbed and abusive upbringing might be to blame. 'I am not sure she is very stable mentally,' Molly says. 'She seems to have a tendency towards violence. She beat me up mercilessly, and attacked my friend too. Such stuff just doesn't come on your own, unless you are brought up wrong. She has nightmares, too... she screams for her father to not do something, often. It gives me chills.'"_ My shoulders shake with the effort of holding back my anger. Molly smiles crookedly as she looks at me. I want to break every single one of her teeth.

Peter smirks at me. I clamp my mouth shut, knowing that if I lose control, there will be a terrible scene. Peter's eyes scan the paper again. _"However, perhaps the answer lies not in a morally bereft man, but in the corrupted ideals of an entire faction. Perhaps the answer is that we have entrusted our city to a group of proselytizing tyrants who do not know how to lead us out of poverty and into prosperity."_

I need to leave. I'll lose it in five, four, three...

"If you think that these lying articles are going to change anything, you're wrong," I say, my voice quivering. But I know that I am wrong; this is what the society believes. "You... you cowardly...evil —"

 _Control. Leave. Now._

And so before I lose it, I storm out of the dormitory.

Still fuming, I walk down to the Pit, and end up sitting at the tattoo parlor. Tori is behind the counter.

"Hello," she smiles at me, inspecting my face. "Rough day?"

"Sort of," I smile wryly. "The Erudite wrote an article attacking my father."

"Ah." She nods sympathetically. Neither of us speak for a while; there is nothing to say. I don't want to.

"Could I get a tattoo?" I ask suddenly.

"Of course," she nods, a trifle surprised. "I think we should head for my studio?"

Together, we get in behind the curtain that separates the studio from the counter.

"So, which one?" Tori asks.

"The Abnegation symbol," I say, pointing to my shoulder where it originally was. I had got it later, the first time around, but today's incident somehow compels me to do it now.

Tori bites her lip nervously, but nods anyway. "Sit down."

"What's going on, then?" she asks conversationally as she works with the needle on my skin. "How was the simulation today? First time, right?"

"Yes." I nod. "It went well. Really well. A little too well, actually."

"Oh." Tori's hands work diligently on my skin, but there is a quiver in her voice.

"You shouldn't have joined Dauntless," she says after a moment's silence. "You should have ignored the Tests. They don't mean anything. I thought you'd choose Dauntless... but you shouldn't have. You should have taken any of the choices... This is the worst place for people like you to be."

"You think I am going to die."

"Not necessarily," she says. "The Dauntless leaders don't know about you yet. Your footage in the Aptitude Tests was unusual, but I was able to convince them that the results were Dauntless. You may be safe, for now. But make no mistake—if they discover what you are, they will kill you."

I look at her in silence; I know what she means, what happened to her brother. I know that she is wrong in her belief. But I can't tell her.

"You don't believe me," she says. I don't know what gave her the impression, why my face should indicate so.

"I —"

"They got my brother," she says, her voice filled with sudden ferocity. "He and I both transferred from Erudite, only his aptitude test was inconclusive. On the last day of simulations, they found his body in the chasm. Said it was a suicide. Only my brother was doing well in training, he was dating another initiate, he was happy. Can you believe it was suicide? Can you imagine any sane person throwing away their life in this situation? Can you?"

I shake my head, unable to say anything.

"In the second stage of training, Georgie got really good, really fast," Tori continues, her voice haunted. "He said the simulations weren't even scary to him…they were like a game. So the instructors took a special interest in him. Piled into the room when he went under, instead of just letting the instructor report his results. Whispered about him all the time. The last day of simulations, one of the Dauntless leaders came in to see it himself. And the next day, Georgie was gone." Her voice breaks.

"Tori..." I whisper, "Did you ever see your brother's body? Don't you think... that he could be alive?"

"What?" Tori's eyes, now misty, widen. "Georgie... no, no, he's dead! He's gone, they told me! You don't know anything, Tris. Don't try to make me better this way." She looks away. "It has taken me a long time to accept his death. I can't let my hopes up again."

I stand up; the tattoo is done. "Maybe you should," I say very quietly. "Thank you for giving me you time and patience." And leaving her bewildered and teary-eyed, I walk out.

I _will_ have Tori meet her brother this time. Even if it kills me, I will.

-o0o-

I smile as Al gives Christina a piggyback ride around the pit. Both my shoulders sting in unison, the pain in right one duller than the other. The Dauntless symbol on one, Abnegation on the other. Will and I walk together behind Al and Christina as Al charges on, making a wide path for us in the crowd of Dauntless.

"I really can't believe what I see," Will says, shaking his head.

"What?"

"You got _two_ tattoos. In one day."

I shrug. "Felt like it. Why does it surprise you? Because I'm a Stiff?"

"No. Because you're…sensible." He smiles. "What's on the other shoulder?"

"It's —" I hesitate for a second. "The Abnegation symbol."

He nods. "Because of what happened today?"

"Not really. I just — it felt necessary. Maybe someday, if I forget myself, it will remind me where I come from."

"Hmm, good," he smiles. "So, what was your fear today, Tris?"

"Too many crows," I reply. "You?"

He laughs. "Too much acid."

He goes on about how fascinating the mechanism of the fear simulation is, making me lose focus. I smile to myself when he apologizes for sounding like an Erudite. Maybe you never really change by changing factions; you just decide which side of you people are going to see. Deep inside, we all are the same, in some ways.

My eyes, drifting around the Pit, land on Tobias. He holds a bottle in his hand, and laughs so hard that he has to hold the railing of the Chasm for support. Oops. Intoxicated.

"Uh-oh," says Will. "Instructor alert."

I watch as Tobias' eyes move around, falling on my friends and me.

"Tris!" he calls out. Will stares at me. Al stops his run, and Christina slides off his back. They all look stunned.

"Uh— I'll just see what he wants," I hurriedly excuse myself and move towards him before he can start walking. There's no knowing what he will say in his drunken state, and I don't want him to do something stupid in front of my friends which he might regret later. We meet at a sort of middle position, where I hope we are out of earshot of my friends.

"Hey," he breathes, looking down at me. "You look different. Amazing."

"Thank you?" I smile up at him. "Er— so do you." I don't know about the amazing part, but different he does look, his normal soldier-like pose slouched. I still don't quite like drunk Tobias; he seems too out of control. I prefer him to say it all when he is himself.

"Let's get away from here," I say, steering him away from the Chasm. "You shouldn't be here when you're —"

"Flirting with death," he supplies with a laugh. "Drinking near the chasm. Probably not a good idea."

"No, it isn't," I huff a little, dragging him away. He isn't being very cooperative. "That's why — we want to — get away from here."

"That's not what I want," he whispers, bringing his face close so his breath tickles my ear. "I want to kiss you."

It takes me all I have to not give in to his idea. "I'm not sure that's a good idea," I say with a shaky laugh, trying to stem the flow of desire he set coursing in me with five mere words. "People are watching. They aren't supposed to know."

"Right." He makes a face. "They aren't supposed to know. I don't like to hide you. I want to shout out to everyone that I like you —"

His voice is getting louder from the initial murmur with every word, so I hurriedly clamp my hand over his mouth. My face feels like it's burning up. "Yes, I love you too and it's very nice of you, but you'll be regretting it next day if you do that." He laughs drunkenly through my hand, and then gently removes it from over his lips.

"How about my apartment, then?" he winks. "Very private. No interruptions."

I place my hands on his chest and push him lightly away. Could my face feel any hotter? "Stop it, Four. You are drunk."

He shakes his head. "Not Four. Don't call me Four."

My heart rate quickens. Will he tell it to me now? I won't have to worry about slipping while calling his name again. "What should I call you, then?" I ask, breathless.

"But I think you already know my name," he breathes. "Don't you?"

I stagger away from him, my jaw dropping. My heart stumbles. "Wh-what? I —"

"What else do you know about me, Tris?" he whispers, his eyes keen, even though his gaze keeps sliding over me.

I don't know how to reply. We have reached Tobias' friends by now. Zeke's eyes light up as he sees us, his hand holding a bottle. He looks pretty drunk too, his feet a little unsteady.

"Look at you!" he laughs at Tobias. "Has number boy finally got himself a girl?" He places his hand on his heart. "I never thought I'd live to see this day. You have made daddy sooo proud!"

I blush. "Zeke, please. We're not —"

"Aww, aren't they cute?" Shauna coos, leaning against Zeke. "Look at him, holding her hand!" Startled, I quickly remove my hand from Tobias'. I don't even know when he grabbed hold of mine.

"Shut it, you two," Tobias grumbles. "We —"

"Take care of him, won't you?" I pitch in quickly. "My friends are waiting, I need to go."

"Of course, trust us, darling!" Zeke slurs, leaning forward and catching Tobias in a headlock. "Nothing can happen while he's with us."

"Except an accidental breaking of your nose," Tobias mutters, freeing himself. He looks at me. "I'd ask you to hang out with us, but you're not supposed to see me this way."

I laugh a little. "Trust me, I've seen enough. Bye."

"See you later!" He waves at me from Zeke's hold, which has tightened over him once more. I shake my head, unable to fight the smile that spills on my face. I walk back to my friends. My face feels warm.

Then Al rushes to me, throwing me over his shoulder.

"Come on, little girl," he says, "I'm taking you to dinner."

I rest my elbows on Al's back and wave at Tobias, unable to help myself from giggling as he throws me a flying kiss, and Zeke and Shauna laugh and punch him lightly.

"I thought I would rescue you," Al says as we walk away. He sets me down. "What was that all about?" The last thing I need is Al rescuing me from Tobias, but I just smile a little. Al is trying to sound lighthearted and casual, but I can see and hear the sadness in his eyes and voice. I don't let myself feel bad for him.

"I think we'd all like to know that," Christina says, her eyes bright with curious delight. She grabs my arm. "You. Are giving me. Every. Single. Detail. Right now."

I laugh and let myself be towed along. But underneath all the delight of the evening, I feel a twist of fear and uncertainty.

 _But I think you already know my name. What else do you know about me, Tris?_

 _Oh God, Tobias_. How much he has figured out about me already?

* * *

 **That was it. Hope it was OK. :)**


	11. What Fears are Made Of

**Ta da, and I wrote up another chapter! And with this I've come to the conclusion — staying away from Divergent isn't doing me any good emotionally... So to hell with the hiatus (don't let my mum hear that XD)! I'll just post new chapters as soon as I can, starting from today. Maybe updates won't be as fast as one chapter in four days, but I guess I can do it in a week or so. (And that's my final verdict.. I feel annoyed at myself, posting warnings about slow updates and all that in every chapter) Hope you're happy :)**

 **Thank you to everyone for all your reviews, reads, faves and follows, and all your best wishes! Also, thank you so much for all your suggestions regarding Tris' fears. They were all great, and a huge help.**

 **Oh, and I got a suggestion from a guest (Belle) to write the chapter from Four's point of view. I won't add chapters from his POV in this story, as it will break the flow, but I do think we are in need of his POV. So I might write them in a separate story as a companion piece to this, if you're interested. Say what?**

 **That was a hell of a long A/N, anyway, so without further delay, here's the chapter.**

* * *

The second day of stage two doesn't feel any better than the first. And the fact that Tobias hasn't met my gaze or tried to make any conversation with me all this time doesn't improve things.

I sit in the chair, looking at him as he fixes things up on the computer and brings out the syringe.

"What's wrong?" I ask quietly. His silence feels uncomfortable. "Did I — did I do something I shouldn't have?"

He sighs, and shakes his head. "It's not you," he says softly. "I was such a fool last night."

I smile a little. Of course, he is embarrassed. "Hey, it's okay. No harm done." Feeling a little bold, I push myself up and briefly touch my lips to his. "You were sort of cute."

He laughs bashfully, shaking his head. "I don't do cute." He brings the syringe to my neck. "Are you ready?"

Taking a deep breath, I nod. I hate these simulations, even though the first one didn't affect me as much as it had last time. I didn't have nightmares, and my head is still clear. But it doesn't mean that it made my night in the dormitory easy; Al's screams kept me awake the whole night. Drew was a dreadful sight, not sleeping a wink at night, and Christina's haunted look when she woke up was a needle through the heart. No one has found the simulations easy in any way. Except me. And even I don't know how long it will be true. Will I face any new fears? Will I be able to handle them?

The needle pierces my skin with a sharp prickle of pain. And just like yesterday, I look into Tobias' eyes until they disappear from my sight.

I find myself in the darkness, in the Pit, a faint blue orb of light the only thing lighting my surroundings. I reach out in front of me, and my fingers hit a cool, solid surface, with a faint reflection showing me standing with wide eyes — glass. _Oh_. This is the tank.

Right on cue, I see Tobias on the other side. He gives a nonchalant shrug and wearing a smirk that is just not him, points downwards. Water is filling the tank. Slowly, but steadily. Farther away, I see the other initiates standing in a circle.

The water rises, fast. Before I can think of anything over my frantic heartbeat, I feel it, cold and trickling, against my waist. The memory of that night comes to me — locked in the tank by Jeanine, unable to escape. I couldn't breathe. Water everywhere, holding me in a killer embrace. I was about to die. My mother saved me. But she died. The thoughts don't help me in any way.

 _Calm down,_ I tell myself. _Panic won't lead you anywhere._

This is a simulation. I won't die. I just have to get out of this. The chant comes immediately in my head, taking the easy way, the way I know will work _. The glass is ice. The glass is ice. The glass —_

No. _You'll have to work on hiding it, then!_ I can't manipulate the simulation. Not here. I have to do something that will let me escape without manipulation. The water level has risen to my neck. I have to act fast, or choose drowning. I need to think. Erudite as it may seem, I search out the logic. The water is flowing in. So there must be an inlet somewhere. I look down to see the little hole at the bottom. That's the spot. I hurriedly open my jacket that I am wearing even in the simulation, and taking a deep breath, plunge in. I have to block that hole. I push the jacket again and again, stuffing the material in the hole. _Got to... stop it!_ My chest feels as if it is on fire; the desire to breath is compulsive. But I somehow manage to accomplish my goal, and with all the force I have, shoot up. The water has stopped rising. I thrust my head over the water, which is now up to my chin, and breathe deeply. I did it.

I open my eyes to Tobias' appreciative nod. "That was a good tactic," he says with a smile. "Well done."

"Thanks," I murmur, still feeling a bit shaky. Well, that wasn't as bad as the first time.

I get up from the chair. For a long moment, Tobias and I look at each other, neither saying a word. There is so much that I want to say to him, but I don't know how to. I want to talk about yesterday evening, but I don't, because even keeping aside the fact that he's beyond embarrassed about it, I don't know how much he remembers, given how drunk he was. I really have no wish to be interrogated. But what has he found out about me? I want to know. I see from the flickering darkness in his eyes, and how the usual tranquility in them is lost in a myriad of conflicting emotions, that he wants to speak too, but he doesn't. My secret stands between us like a glass wall, with him guessing and me hiding. We are trying, trying to reach out, but we just can't. We haven't reached that stage yet, and I know that because I have opened up to him, and he has returned the favor, in the life I have left behind. We had promised not to keep secrets between us. But now it is no longer applicable, because all that hasn't happened yet, not for him. I am the same person I was and so is he, and yet we aren't. He is too familiar to me, and I too much of a stranger to him. I wonder when we will be able to solve this and move to the same page.

There is still no word between us, and the tension grows until it's swollen and pulsing, and his intense look makes me want to either throw myself in his arms or run away from him. And just because evasion has become like a second nature to me and I am a fool, I take the coward's way out. I offer a nod and a small smile, and quickly get out of the room. I stand in the hallway outside, taking a deep breath and wondering why he affects me so much.

I guess both of us must be wondering what that was all about.

-o0o-

Christina and Will talk animatedly as we sit with our dinner at the dining hall. The topics have been swiveling rapidly— from our fear simulations to how things might be better in Dauntless once we actually finish our initiation to how Peter and Molly are complete jerks to what it would be like if the Ferris Wheel in Navy Pier actually became open to the public. I don't talk much, occasionally supplying bits and pieces between shoveling spoonfuls of the beef and the greens into my mouth; Christina and Will are quite engrossed with each other. It's rather delightful, really; I smile as I see the closeness between them grow.

My eyes drift to Al who is sitting beside me. Mainly because of our insistence, he still sits with us, but he has changed completely. Two days of simulation, and he is already quiet and withdrawn. He never really smiles much and hardly talks. I sigh. My first instinct is to leave him be; the fact that we are already into stage two of initiation makes the memory of his aiding Peter and Drew's attempt to murder me more vivid with every passing day. But as my mother would say, I need to look past myself and my own needs. I need to help him. Taking a deep breath, I place my hand on his arm. He looks up, startled.

"Hey," I murmur. "You have become very closed lately."

"I just don't feel like talking anymore." He shrugs. The upward jerk of his lips doesn't reach into a smile.

"This is just a simulation, Al, you must remember that," I say. "You _need to_ remember that. None of all that you see in there is real."

"I know, but in the simulation, I can't know that, can I?" he sighs, his eyes downcast. "It feels real. It's just, so..."

I nod, my lips pressed together. It's difficult to give anyone advice in this matter when you are Divergent and they are not.

"Anyway, don't shut yourself away. We are here for you. I am here. Talk to us. It'll make you feel better."

"Thanks, Tris. That means a lot." He nods with a feeble smile, but does not say anything more. I give up for the while. Somehow, I feel that my efforts with Al are just being one-sided, yielding nothing.

"I think I'll take a stroll. I'll just be around," I tell him. "Don't wait for me." Al simply nods, staring at his hardly-touched dinner. Will and Christina are still deep in conversation; they don't notice me leave.

I walk away from the Pit through one of the hallways, which leads out and above to the Fear Room. I don't know why I am going that way; it's not as if I want to try out my fear landscape, and I wouldn't be able to even if I had wanted to. But still, I don't resist myself as my feet lead me higher and higher up the narrow path without a railing. The height doesn't terrify me; I actually enjoy looking down to the yawning gap between the Pit and me. The glass ceiling, now dark without the sun, comes closer and closer, and finally I step into the glass room. It's not illuminated, but I don't mind. I walk to the side, looking out at the surroundings beyond the Dauntless building. Only a chink of the dark sky is visible through the mass of the dilapidated, abandoned buildings. The Dauntless live too much underground, we don't get much light anyway. I can't help feel the need of the open sky at the moment.

I press my forehead against the cool glass, letting my loneliness arrange my thoughts. There is so much running through my head — plans, worries, conflicts, fears, I even lose track of what I'm thinking. It's just all an endless jumble in my head.

A hand touches my shoulder. Startled out of my wits, I let out a loud scream, lurching forward before swiveling around. A pair of strong hands steady me. It's Tobias.

"Oh my God, Four," I gasp, "Never do that again! You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry," he says with a small chuckle. "I hadn't expected to see you here."

"Yeah, I — just felt like exploring a bit."

"Curious as ever," he smiles. "And now I'm here with you. Alone."

It's astounding what he can do to me with mere words. My heartbeat starts racing, my breath hitches. Suddenly the allure of his lips seems impossible to ignore; I feel like I haven't kissed him for ages.

"So it seems," I murmur, feeling the warmth in my cheeks. Tobias' eyes are dark, almost black in the dark room, as he brushes my hair back with one hand, my back pressed against the glass, and kisses me. He takes his own sweet time, and I resist letting out a moan as his tongue languidly explores my mouth. I throw my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. The muscles under his jacket feel strong and hard. He touches me on the small of my back, pulling me flush against him.

Suddenly, my waist brushes against something hard and square. I pull back to realize that he hadn't been using his other hand all this time. His fingers are wrapped around a small black box.

Tobias is breathing heavily, but his eyes follow my gaze to the black box. I feel the moment break away as the silence between us switches from passionate to awkward in a matter of seconds.

"I had some work to do here," he explains, rubbing his neck with his free hand, stepping away from me. I know what the box contains — the fear serum. He is planning go into his fear landscape again. It hurts a little that he doesn't explain any further, but who am I to demand secrets from him, when I myself haven't opened up?

I nod. "Fair enough. I — uh, need to get back to the dormitory anyway. My friends will be wondering where I am."

He seems to want to say something else, but he only nods. "I'll see you later. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I watch as he moves deeper into the glass room, disappearing from view. I make my away towards the path that leads downwards. The silence feels heavy. The kiss felt incomplete, broken away too soon, even though I am fortunate to be able to even have that so soon. My footsteps are slow as I walk down the narrow path.

But with every step, my movements become more and more reluctant. I can't leave him alone there; it's as if there's a thread between us, pulling me harder towards Tobias with every step I take away from him. I know my concern is baseless; he has been visiting his fear landscape regularly even before my arrival. But the memory of him, afraid and tense in the simulations, flashes through my mind, and I just _can't_ leave. Deciding that being a little more late can't hurt, I quickly retrace my steps to the glass room, and deeper in until I am facing the closed door to the fear room. This is not a part of initiation, so the cameras are off, the screens in the outer room dark.

I turn the door handle a couple of times before it clicks open. With quiet footsteps, I walk inside and let it close behind me. The room is dark to my eyes, but as my eyes get adjusted to the faint light, I can see the 'Dauntless' spray painted on the wall and the pipes climbing along the sides. And Tobias. He stands in the center of the room. Even as I look at him, his eyes land on me, but stare away without seeing. He isn't seeing what I am seeing. He is facing his worst fears.

Standing here, watching him as he takes in bursts of air with his mouth, his pupils dilated, I feel like I am intruding on something private. No one has ever seen him like this. But leaving him is something I can't bring the strength to do now, so I curl up on the floor, my back against the door.

Tobias' back is rigid, and he leans forward now and again, only to take a step back. This must be the heights. Finally, he leans in really far, and by the way his eyes close tightly, I know he has taken the plunge. He sinks down to the floor, his hands curling around his knees. Perspiration shines on his brow; he licks his dry lips, looking around frantically. This is the claustrophobia. I want to run to him and wrap my arms around him and tell him to breathe deeply, that it's okay, but I know that he won't be able to sense my presence there. I hate myself now, sitting here, helpless, as he suffers.

Seconds turn to minutes as Tobias fruitlessly tries various techniques — pushing at the invisible walls, hunching up his shoulders to evidently block the walls' movement. Finally, he gives up, taking a deep breath as he shuts his eyes. I watch as he regains control of his body rather than his mind, and when his body relaxes, I know that his second fear is over.

The next one he takes relatively less time to overcome. I see the self-loathing in his expression as he stretches his hands, his fingers around an invisible trigger, and how he averts his eyes from his target. His hands shake, and he flinches, before lowering his hand.

I lower my gaze from Tobias, taking a moment in an attempt to calm myself. My muscles are taut, my whole body tensed up like a tightened spring. Simply watching his reactions, as a bystander, is so much worse than being in the simulation with him. I can't do anything as his fears pierce my heart. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A gasp brings my attention back to Tobias. My eyes widen as I see him backing away, his expression showing stark terror. His eyes are wide with fear. Gone is the hardy soldier everyone sees; this is just a scared little boy, terrified, abused. My nails dig into my palms hard enough to break the skin. I can't see what Tobias is seeing, but I have no difficulty in remembering the belt lashing out, and hearing the words — _This is for your own good._ I want to murder Marcus. Now.

Tears come to my eyes as I see Tobias crouch to the ground, his arms in front of him to shield himself from the belt lashings. He groans, closing his eyes. The tears overflow, blurring my vision.

I don't wait to see how he beats the vision. I stand up, wiping my eyes on my sleeve. I can't watch anymore. I need to go; Tobias will finish the simulation soon, and I don't think he will be pleased to find that I watched him in his fear landscape, uninvited. There is nothing I can do to help him now anyway. I walk out, shutting the door behind me, trying to stem the tears which refuse to stop.

I wish there was some way I could help him. I can't now, not until he confides in me, or until I tell him that I already know. But as soon as I can help him, I know that I will. In any way possible.

-o0o-

Third day of stage two. This will probably make it more than a week of sitting in this chair, waiting to be plunged into simulation, combining my present and past life. Or maybe two weeks. I don't know if I should have grown used to this chair, if I will ever come even close to liking it, or even finding it tolerable. I suppose the answer to both is negative.

Tobias wordlessly presses the syringe needle into my bare skin. I feel calmer than the last two days, even though my heart pounds with anticipation; the last two simulations seem to indicate that my fears have not changed. I know how to get out of them. I know how to end the simulation. I wonder which one it might be today — Peter setting me on fire or men chasing me. Neither feels appealing at all, but I can at least be ready.

The room shifts from under my gaze, plunging me in darkness. I try to look past the darkness, but I can't figure out anything. There is no familiarity in this; my heart staggers as the realization hits me — this is a new fear.

I suddenly see a figure before me. Short, dark hair, tall and lithe — it's Christina.

"Christina?" I frown; I am not afraid of her.

Christina's face shows no smile; her eyes are cold and accusatory. Somehow, the look feels familiar.

"You!" she says, pointing at me, "You killed him!"

 _Killed who?_ My heart is thudding with an irrational fear, a dull dread which is rising with every moment.

"Killed who? I didn't —"

And suddenly the darkness is penetrated by gunshots, and there he is before him, his gun pointed at me. My eyes widen with fear, I stumble back _. No no no, not again..._

Suddenly, I find a gun pressed in my hand, and defying control, my hand raises the gun to point at his head.

"No!" I scream. "No, I won't —"

But even as I say it, my fingers tighten around the trigger. I watch as blood spurts from his head, as he falls back.

"No! Will! No, I —"

"You killed him!" Christina's voice echoes all around me. "You killed him!"

"No!" I want to deny it, but I did kill him, I pulled the trigger...

All around me, the darkness gives way to light. Too bright light. Flames, I realize. The Abnegation sector is burning. I hear screams and cries, and I try to run, looking for anything I can do. But I can't even move two steps, I am helpless.

"Beatrice." I look at the direction of the voice to see my father, standing right at the edge of the flames.

"Dad! Get away —"

"You betrayed me." His eyes as sad as they reflect the flames. "I thought you would stay with us, but —"

"No, Dad!" I feel tears in my eyes. "I never left, I —"

"Look at you," he says. "Look at what you have become. I had never wanted this." And he steps into the flames.

"DAD!" I rush forward to stop him, but I am too slow, I can't do anything.

"Beatrice." I see my mother where my father had stood, her smile sad. "You are brave. But you can't do anything about this."

"Mom, please —"

"I love you, Beatrice." And then out of nowhere, bullet shots pierce the air. Red spreads through Mom's dress; her body crumples. I don't even have words. My voice is lost.

"Bea—trice." She smiles one last smile, and stills.

My heart feels like it would burst, my chest feels so tight, constricted. My thoughts have been lost to incoherency.

The ground shifts, and I find myself on a rooftop. Marlene and Hector stand on the edge. My eyes widen in terror.

"Marlene! Hector! Stop!"

"Your efforts are in vain, Tris," Marlene says expressionlessly. "You have failed. You can't change anything." I try to hurry forward to grab them, but I am paralyzed. As if prolonging the torture, Marlene and Hector take slow steps back, back, and back — and then they fall.

"NO!" Finally, freed from my bonds too late, I rush forward, only to see them spread eagled far down below. Choking out a sob, I stumble back, only to have my heel hit something. I look down.

At my feet, bleeding and clearly dead, is Tori.

"N-no. No, Tori, you can't... can't be dead..." But she is. So still. Eyes blank. I take a step back, half unconsciously and half hoping that I'd fall over the edge like Marlene and Hector and receive my punishment, but I simply stumble over my feet. There is no edge taking me to my freedom. I am caught in this endless trap of death and guilt.

A loud explosion rocks the ground, and I see a part of a wall collapsing, and along with it, Uriah, tossed in the air in slow motion. His arms flail out like those of a rag doll. And then he collapses with a dull thud of finality, and the bricks rain on him.

I can't even recognize my voice as a scream tears through me. It feels too shrill, too loud and grating on my ears. My knees give way, allowing me to sink to the ground. I can hardly see anything through the curtain of tears. Everyone I love is gone. It's my fault. I failed.

My heart beats like it will burst, it has been working so hard, and my breaths are labored. The emotional pain has turned physical, and I welcome it, hoping that it will end me, soon. But there is no respite, no end. It is a living nightmare; it's my punishment.

"Tris."

I look up to see Tobias standing over me. Hope fills me a little in my despair at the sight of him; he always gives me strength. But the little hope fades away as soon as I look into his eyes. The blue is ice — cold and harsh.

"You lied to me," he says without a trace of softness in his tone. "It's your fault everything is wrong." He shakes his head. "I can't believe you. You killed everyone."

"No!" I start forward; he is the last person I have. "Tobias, please, I didn't —"

But he just steps away from me. "I can't believe I ever liked you. We are done."

"Tobias! Please!" I stumble towards him; I need him. "Don't leave me! Please..." His footsteps just become distant; his back fading away in the smoke.

"Let him go," I hear David's voice in my ear. "He is _damaged_."

"No! He isn't..." Cruel laughter rings in my ears. "Stop it! Please! _Please_!" My pleas feel strange and useless to my own ears. I want to die. Now.

All around me, bodies appear, all dead, still. My friends. My family. They are gone. Dead. Lost. And it's my fault. All my fault.

 _Your fault. You failed! You killed him! We are done! Your fault! You can't do anything..._

The voices rise around me in an endless chain of condemnation, resonating with the horror in my heart. I can't think, I can't act, I can't...

 _This is a simulation_. Somewhere from the deep recesses of my brain, Tobias' voice rings dimly through. _This isn't real. It's a simulation._

I need to escape. I need to get out of this hell. But how? I can't think of anyway to manipulate the simulation, and I can't work my thoughts around enough to control them. So I take the only remaining way. I have to gain control of my body, if I can't take hold of my mind.

I clap my hands over my ears, trying to block out the accusations, and shut my eyes tightly. I focus on my breathing, controlling every inhale, every exhale. I think of Tobias' warm touch, the liquid blue of his eyes, and his beautiful smile, and even as the horrors race in my head, I rein in my heart.

It should have been a relief to open my eyes to the small testing room instead of the tall flames and the fallen corpses. It should have been a relief to listen to silence instead of the accusations hurled at me. But as I feel the chair under me, and my eyes find Tobias, I am only aware of the thunderstorm going on in my head. Tears line my cheeks, dripping down to my neck.

Tobias appears frozen with shock, his hand half-raised as if to help me, his eyes wide and lips parted. A moment of silence passes between us, and then standing up unsteadily, I move to the door and rush out of the room.

I can't face anyone. I can't think about anything. I just want to be alone.

I don't know where I walk. The surroundings feel trivial, worthless, compared to the vision burned in my retinas. I don't know if I'll ever overcome this fear. Because this is the truth. This is so close to what happened last time, and what can so easily happen again. And I'll be there, unable to do anything. Will I make it worse? _You have failed._ Have I failed already? Is there no way to achieve what I want?

I realize all of a sudden that I have reached the hole into which I jumped from the seven story height. The large net stretches over me. Unthinkingly, I climb up the wooden platform, and grabbing the metal rod, swung myself up on the net. I pull my knees close to my chest, and rest my head on them. The world feels dark. My existence seems meaningless. Futile.

I don't know how long I sit in the net, unmoving. Suddenly, the material below me presses downwards. Someone has climbed on the net. I don't turn to look.

"Tris."

The voice is the same, as is the way the name slips off his tongue, and it plunges my once more into the simulation. I turn around wildly. But it's just me on the net. And just Tobias. No flames. No one dead.

I don't want to cry, but I can't stop the tears from spilling as I look into his eyes. The feeling of losing him is fresh in my mind.

Tobias doesn't speak. He simply crawls over, close to me, and raises his arms slightly, a silent invitation. I don't bother to think, I don't have to. I am in his arms before I can remember moving. His arms encircle me, his hold strong and reassuring, and yet unbelievably gentle. I lose track of time as I sob into his chest, my tears soaking his shirt. He holds me in silence, his fingers run softly through my hair I expect an interrogation, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't ask any questions, doesn't make any guesses or comments. He just holds me, and let's me cry, and get all the emotions out.

At length, he holds me at arm's length, wiping away the tear tracks from my cheeks.

"Come on," he says quietly. "I think we could both do with a walk."

I follow him without protest as he leads me upwards through the path and out of the Dauntless quarters. The streets are silent and cold as we stroll in the darkness. Tobias has his arm around my shoulder, holding me close. I lean my head lightly against his chest. As my emotions cool down, I wonder if he will ask any questions. He must want to — I openly said his real name in the simulation. Then there was the simulation itself. It must make no sense to him. But surprising me, Tobias doesn't break the silence as we walk, and I don't either. I know that I deserve the questions and he deserves an explanation, but maybe that's not what we can bear right now. Maybe he needs this solitude, and I definitely need his company, and perhaps we both need this silence, because it provides a comfort and understanding that words cannot. This is something sacred, just between us. It brings a strange togetherness. And whatever I need, I know that we need to be together.

And so under the dark sky and the dim stars, this silence is what we both want. For now.

* * *

 **Anyone getting impatient for Tris' secret to be out? I am ;) Don't worry, it's coming up soon!**

 **So long!**


	12. Bitter and Sweet

The room is dimly lit. There is an air of tranquility in the surroundings as I sit on the large double bed. I can feel a tingle of excitement in my heart, and with it, something else. It's desire, I realize. I wait breathlessly, and a smile blooms on my face as Tobias walks in. He smiles at me, a bright, lopsided smile that makes my heart stutter. He is so gorgeous. And he is mine.

I can't wait long enough for him to reach me; I get up and walk towards him, and we meet in the middle of the room.

"Hey, beautiful," he whispers, wrapping his arms around my waist. His lips touch the skin of my neck.

"Hey yourself," I smile, tousling his hair with my fingers. I can feel his lips curve upwards as he presses soft kisses on my throat. His lips move downwards, and I can't suppress a moan as he sucks on my pulse point. Grabbing his face, I pull his lips to mine. I am tired of games. I want him. So much. Now.

His hands pull me to him by the small of my back, even as I let my hands roam under his shirt, feeling the tattoos curving over his skin. Our lips still joined and hands exploring, we stumble towards the bed and fall heavily on the soft, pillowy covers, him on top of me. I laugh, and so does he, his dark blue eyes mirthful and yet so full of deep thoughts. Our faces are so close, we are sharing the same air. I reach out and run my fingers over his jawline, feeling the light stubble over the firm chin. I let my index finger brush against the scar on his chin.

"I love you," I tell him, "so much."

"I love you too," he says, without hesitation. "I want you. Now."

His lips dive for my skin, emphasizing his words. I sigh, tilting my head back to allow him better access. This is what I have wanted, so long, so much...

An explosion shakes the room. Tobias and I break apart, our heads almost knocking together in our hurry.

"What was that?" Tobias asks, his eyes wide and alert.

"I — I don't know."

I move quickly and open the door. The scene outside makes me stumble back a few steps. I feel like throwing up.

The corridor is covered in blood, littered with bodies. I have no difficulty in recognizing them — crumpled on the ground, my mother, her gray attire red in the places where the bullets hit her, my father, slumped against the wall, Tori, bloodied and still, Marlene and Hector, spread-eagled in a pool of their own blood, and Lynn, lying in a corner, amongst others. On one side, a wall has fallen over, and through the rubble, I see part of another body — unmistakably Uriah. Tears come to my eyes. This can't be happening.

The sound of sobbing distracts me. In a corner, leaning over a body, is a girl. Her short dark hair is prominent against the bloodstained wall. It's Christina. She looks up from the body and stares at me. Her bloodshot eyes hold so much anger, it seems like she wants to reduce me to ashes.

"You killed him!" she shouts, raising a shaking finger at me. "You killed him!"

I takes a step back. "No — I — I didn't—"

"Yes you did! Look at him! Will..."

I want to deny the accusation, but Will's blank eyes, now that Christina's body is no longer blocking the way, stare at me, as if accusing me in their own way. I stumble back, tripping over my own feet.

"I didn't do anything," I try to tell her, to tell myself. "I didn't... I didn't..."

"Why, Tris?" I look towards the voice to see Tobias staring at me. His eyes hold none of the mirth and affection they had a few minutes ago, only anger and betrayal.

"It's all your fault," he says harshly. "All your fault that they are dead. How could you?"

"No, Tobias!" I reach towards him. "I didn't — it isn't my fault —"

But he shrinks away from my touch. "Don't touch me," he growls. "We are done."

Voices rise in the corridor, and suddenly it seems that the eyes of the dead are staring at me accusingly.

 _All your fault... You killed him!... You failed... We are done!... I hate you!.._

I press my hands to my ears, childishly trying to block out the noise. "No... Please..." Someone help me. Anyone. Anything. Tears stream down my face in endless torrents.

"Tris! Tris!"

I suddenly feel hands on my shoulders, shaking me. Or is it my despair making me tremble? My eyes fly open. I find myself looking at Christina's face, a mere six inches from mine. I sit up so fast, my head hits hers, hard.

"I didn't kill him!"

"Didn't kill whom?" Christina stumbles back a step, massaging her head. "Ow. That hurt. You were having a nightmare, Tris. It's okay."

I look down in bewilderment, finding my limbs tangled in the sheets on my bed. Oh. A nightmare. Thank God.

"It was pretty bad, by the looks of it," a voice says from the side, and I see Will and Al, standing behind Christina. I have to blink several times to restrain the tears that threaten to escape at the sight of him. "You were having convulsions. And screaming."

"Something about 'I didn't,', and Christina, and Will," Al adds. "Oh, and you said that name several times — Tobias, I think."

"Yes." Christina nods. "Who's Tobias?"

"Nobody of importance," I mumble, looking away. The last thing I need now is Christina to realize that I'm lying; her Candor abilities have the most uncanny timings in showing up. Carefully, I untangle myself from the sheets and climb down. I am drenched in sweat.

"You look terrible, no offense," Christina says. "You need a shower."

I nod, allowing her to steer me away, her arm round my shoulder. I am still having a hard time blinking the vision out of my mind. This is the consequence of yesterday's simulation. I wonder how long dreams like this will haunt me — maybe forever. Unless I am successful in achieving what I came for.

"Simulation?" Christina asks shortly; she doesn't need to say anything more.

"Yes," I murmur.

She nods sympathetically. "I understand, trust me."

"All the initiates do, I guess." I smile feebly.

Taking a shower undoubtedly makes me feel better. I walk into the dormitory to see Will sitting on the bed. Al and Christina are in the bathrooms, washing up.

"Hey." He smiles, patting the spot beside him. I smile back, sitting down beside him. His green eyes, bright and clever, are such a relief to see. I can't help it; I hug him tightly.

"Wow. What was that?" he asks, blushing slightly.

"Nothing," I smile shyly. "Just relieved to see you alive."

"Was I dead? In your dream?" I nod. "Must have been a real heartbreaker," he quips. "What was it about, anyway?" he asks in a more serious tone.

"Everyone I love were dead." It isn't the complete truth, but at least part of it. "What I saw in last day's simulation." My fear isn't just losing my loved ones, my fear is failing. My fear is the repetition of what happened the first time, or even worse. And knowing that I couldn't change things, even though I have the power to.

He nods. "Oh."

"I just wish these tests would be over soon," Will says with a sigh. "They aren't getting any easier, as far as I know. Not for me, anyway."

"They aren't," I agree. There is a small silence. "So... How's it going with Christina?" I ask to change the subject. Will's face turns brilliant red in a matter of seconds.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Obvious to anyone who'd care to look," I laugh. "Except Christina."

"That's the problem," Will sighs mournfully. "Do you think it's going to work out?"

"Positive," I say with a smile. "Just hang on and wait for your chance."

"What are you lot talking about?" Christina walks in, toweling her hair dry.

Both Will and I jump. "Nothing," we say simultaneously. And then laugh. Will claps me on the back as we walk out to breakfast.

"Carpe diem, Tris." He smiles at me. "Things may not seem good, but I believe that something good can come out of everything."

I smile back, trying to repress the butterflies in my stomach as I think of the upcoming simulation. I do need to seize the moment, to set so many things right — especially about telling Tobias the truth. And really, I want to. I just have no idea how to.

-o0o-

My hands literally shake as I make my way towards the simulation room, and I have to wipe my hands repeatedly on my trousers, they are sweating so much. Tobias' face greets me at the door. His smile drops as he sees my face; I must really look nervous.

"Come on in," he says, gently pushing me inside.

My footsteps are slow, as if my body, too, is rebelling against the idea of facing another simulation.

"Hey." Tobias' eyes narrow a little sternly as he looks at me. "It's only a simulation," he says, pressing me down into the chair.

I know it is, but it feels so much worse. Even though it has been over an hour since I woke up, the dream feels fresh in my head, and yesterday's simulation even fresher. Even in waking, I keep seeing Tori's body the ground, or gunshots penetrating my mother. I had to hold on to the wall to keep myself from falling back when I saw Uriah and Marlene after breakfast, because it wasn't them, but their corpses which I saw before me for a moment. I hate myself for being a coward, but I feel really afraid.

"I know," I tell Tobias with a sigh. I look at him, hoping to distract myself. Last night's dream had been really enjoyable, before it turned into a nightmare. "I don't want to go through it again."

"Be brave, Tris." The words sound like reproach this time, instead of reassurance.

I laugh darkly. "I don't think I'm very brave. I don't feel it, anyway."

Surprising me, he chuckles, shaking his head. "You're an idiot if you don't think you are brave." He presses his hand to my shoulder. "You're the girl who can take on Peter, and you can't face a hallucination?"

I shake my head. "Whatever." I look down, hesitating. "I had nightmares last night."

I look up to see his expression full of empathy. "I would be surprised if you didn't, after what that simulation showed," he says softly. He moves his hand gently across my forehead through my hair, a soothing gesture. "But you must remember that none of it is real."

"Yes," I sigh, "I know." _It isn't. Not yet._

"I guess you must have a few questions about yesterday," I say quietly. I'm not overly eager to bring it up, but the topic is lying heavily in the air, in the slightest sliver of tension that lies between us even as we converse normally. I may as well try to avoid it, but there is no denying that we both are clearly thinking about what last day's simulation showed.

"Few would be an huge understatement," he says dryly. "And not just about yesterday. The questions have piled into a veritable mountain, if I may use the term."

"Yeah." I laugh nervously. "Um. So..."

"I want nothing more than to ask you whatever I need to know now," he says. "I have been dying to know what secret you are guarding. But are you ready, Tris?"

I look down, unable to meet his eyes. I am such a coward. But I just can't bring myself to tell him; no moment seems suitable, nor does any way I imagine. I wonder if this is how Tobias had felt when he guarded his secret from everyone.

 _Tomorrow_ , I tell myself _, I'll tell him tomorrow_. And hope he understands.

 _Coward_ , my inner voice taunts me. I can't even offer it a retort. I know that I am. So much for joining Dauntless.

Tobias sighs, walking away from me. "Thought so. Let's get to business, then. It won't do good to waste time. I do have other initiates waiting outside."

I can hear the bitterness in his voice. It stings; I am momentarily tempted to retort about him keeping secrets too, but I stop myself. Accusations will lead us nowhere. What we need is trust. He has known me for only a couple of weeks, and even in that, my behavior has been somewhat shady. It is understandable that he doesn't trust me fully yet. But ironically, it's me who is having issues with trusting the person I have trusted again and again with my life and everything there's in it. For a moment, I am tempted to just blurt it all out, not caring about the consequences, but then the syringe needle breaks my skin, and I clamp my mouth shut, waiting for my demons to arrive.

I stand in a room, my legs spread a little in a stance suitable for combat. The fingers of my right hand are curled around something hard. I look down. It's a gun. Just as I start wondering why I am holding a weapon, a voice makes me look up.

"Beatrice."

My eyes land on three people. My family. Mom, Dad and Caleb stand side by side, wearing the modest, well-covering gray attire of Abnegation. I open my mouth to speak, the realization of what I am supposed to do in this fear catching up with me, and at the same instance, the cold barrel of a gun presses against my temple.

"Shoot," a voice tells me. It is emotionless, mechanical, and sends a chill down my spine.

"No," I say, refusing to raise my gun. The gun pointed at me presses harder against my skull.

"You have to," the voice tells me. "Or you'll be killed."

"I said no," I press.

"You have ten seconds to decide." The metal feels hard and menacing against my skin.

"Ten."

I don't move a muscle. My mother looks at me, a sad smile on her face which I have seen before. Twice. In the last twenty-four hours.

"You can do this, Beatrice," she says gently. "Don't stop yourself. None of us will blame you. Your life comes first to us."

I just shake my head. Sweat beads cling to my forehead, my skin almost feverish against the cold touch of the gun barrel.

"Nine. Eight."

"It's okay, Beatrice," Caleb says in a quiet voice. "Just shoot me. You can save Mom and Dad. I'm sorry we argued. I love you."

"Shut up!" I snarl, blinking the tears that cloud my vision. My heart is fluttering in my chest. "Don't — don't —"

"Seven."

I press my lips together. I can hold myself together. I am strong. I won't be a murderer.

"So you won't comply," the voice says, startling me. This wasn't supposed to happen. "Very well, then."

Before I can process what is happening, I am held roughly and spun around. For one second, I see nothing. And then Tobias stands in front of me. My eyes widen as my fear increases hundredfold. Oh no. Oh no.

Tobias holds a knife in his hand. His eyes are kind and sad, his smile so beautiful and yet heartbreaking.

"Tris," he says, still smiling that sad smile, and raises the knife.

"N-no!" Panic rises me in a white-hot flash; I almost forget the gun pressed against me. "What are you doing? Tobias — stop —"

"This is for you," he says softly. "I'm doing this for you." The knife plunges straight into his stomach. Blood begins to ooze out like a terrible red river.

"NO!" I can't even recognize my voice, the scream is so warped and high-pitched. "Stop! Please! I love you, Tobias, please don't! Don't die on me!"

The fire in his eyes flickers. He stumbles to the floor.

"Tr—is..."

"He can still be saved," that hateful voice behind me says. "If you shoot your family, he'll live. You have five seconds."

A sob chokes through me. I love Tobias, I can't let him die like this. But I won't kill my family. I won't.

"Five."

I won't. I won't.

"Four." Four, that's his name. Tobias. So strong, so tough, dying before me.

"Three." I can't. What do I do? The blood on his shirt is a blur of red through the curtain of my tears.

"Two." I feel the gun in my hand. Suddenly, I know what to do. It's surprising how long it took me to get to this decision, when it needs no thought at all. I guess it took me time to break the compulsion of the simulation.

He had come after me when I went to die. I don't even need to think twice.

"You die, I die too," I whisper. And quick as thought, I swing the gun to my temple, and press the trigger.

I open my eyes with a gasp, looking at the drably colored wall mere feet away from me, and then to Tobias. My cheeks are wet; I must have cried in reality too, again. Tobias looks frozen again, and if possible, even more stunned than yesterday. However, the stricken and horrified look of last time is absent, replaced by something I can't quite identify. The prolonged silence feels uncomfortable, and I feel jittery looking into Tobias' eyes and in the aftermath of the simulation. I need some time to calm down, to get my thoughts straight, maybe to have a good cry alone. It isn't easy watching your loved ones die all the time. So I move towards the easiest way — the exit.

A hand grabs my waist, and suddenly I find myself pressed against Tobias, his lips on mine. For a few seconds I am frozen, unable to comprehend the situation. Then my brain kickstarts again, and I begin to kiss him back. There's a wave of desperation exuding from him, as if kissing me is the only outlet he has to get his emotions out. He presses me against the wall, his hands cupping my face. I welcome the sensation, his touch ample proof that he is alive and okay. And that there are still wonderful things left in this world.

We pull away, both gasping for breath. Tobias looks down into my eyes, and I realize with some shock that his eyes are wet. I reach up and carefully tip the little droplets onto my thumb. His look of surprise says that he himself hadn't realized that he had tears in his eyes.

"You shouldn't have," he whispers.

"Shouldn't have what?"

"Shot yourself for me." He shakes his head. "I don't deserve that."

"Yes, you do," I say forcefully, wrapping my arms around him tightly. I rest my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "You deserve that, and much, much more."

He sighs, pulling me closer. "Oh, Tris." We hold each other like that for some time, and I feel like I'd never want to move again. Then Tobias pulls back to look at me.

"In the sim, you said you love me."

I look down. This wasn't how I wanted to tell him. It wasn't supposed to be like this, him being a bystander while I screamed it out in desperation. It was supposed to be a quiet confession, told when I trusted him with my secret. But however it has been revealed, it is the truth.

I look at him. "Yes. It's the truth. I love you."

His expression holds equal amounts of delight and incredulity. "But — How can you possibly love me? We've known each other for, what, a couple of weeks, barely. It's too soon to say."

"Not for me, no." I shake my head, internally smiling at the double meaning of my words.

His eyes turn sad. "You say you love me, and yet you don't trust me enough to tell me what you are hiding."

I lick my lips nervously. "It isn't about trust, honest. I — I'll tell you. Soon. Please trust me."

He looks dissatisfied, but then, he presses his lips to mine once again. It is a sweet kiss, slow and soft, and he smiles when we pull away.

"Thank you," he says. I laugh a little, shaking my head.

"Don't. I don't deserve thanks for loving someone who deserves to be loved. And I'd better go." I smile mischievously. "You do have other initiates waiting outside."

"I could give them a holiday," he laughs. "They'd only be too happy. But you are right." He sighs. "I'll see you later."

"Bye." I smile and steal another kiss with him. Who knows, if I screw things up, I may never get another one. _No, no, don't think that_. I feel a pang of sadness and fear in my heart. Tobias wipes the wet trail of tears from my cheek with the pad of his thumb. And with a last smile between us, I leave.

-o0o-

I have to resist the urge to fidget as I sit at the dinner table, running a knife through my steak. Christina and Will are busy talking, as usual, and even Al is joining in now and then. The mood in the dining hall seems rather jubilant, as if everyone has had an amazing day. Sitting in their midst, my heart thudding nervously, I feel like an anomaly. But I can't help myself; it's not as if I am going for a picnic tonight. Avoiding detection while leaving the Dauntless compound is no easy job.

Tobias flashes a smile at me as he sits down at his table, a rare incident, but I struggle to return it. I feel bad for not telling him about what I am about to do. _I'll tell him tomorrow,_ I insist to my conscience. It simply sneers at me.

Later, when everyone is asleep, I slink out again, just like I had four nights ago. I stick to the shadows, hoping that they'd shield me from any probing cameras. The cool night air hits me in the face as I walk out, and as I start running, I soak in the exultation that comes with the freedom. But after I have covered a short distance, I feel a presence following me. The last time I went out to meet Cara, I could attribute the feeling to paranoia, but it's different today. The hair on my neck stand on end; there is definitely a pair of eyes on me. I stop, and turning around, scan my surroundings. Nothing. Nobody. Just the empty, dusty road flanked by dilapidated buildings.

 _It's just your imagination,_ I try to tell myself. But the prickling feeling down my spine refuses to go away. This can't be good.

I reach the rail tracks. My nerves are on end as I wait for the train. Who is following me? Is there anyone at all, or is it just my senses playing tricks? I take in a shuddering breath, looking around and hoping that the train would hurry up.

"Who's there?" I shout out, instinctively. "Show yourself!" But of course, nothing happens. No figure appears out of the shadows. The silence of the night mocks my outburst.

The train finally shows up, and relieved, I swing myself in. I look out into the distance as it picks up speed, folding my legs towards my chest. And finally when the Erudite buildings show up and the train begins to slow down, I jump off.

The feeling of being followed is gone once I near the large stone buildings. The night feels tranquil again. I sigh to myself; it must have been just me overthinking things.

Cara waits at the same place I had met her last time. I see that she carries a small satchel with her.

"Is it going to be the train again today?" she asks, looking apprehensive. I think to myself. Meeting at the same place isn't the best strategy; our conversation may be overheard. And given today's feeling of being tailed that had been accompanying me till now, I am not taking any chances.

"No," I say. I look at the abandoned building through which we had climbed into Erudite. "Does that building look good?"

"Anything better than a running train," Cara says with a nervous smile, and we start walking towards out chosen destination. "I just don't understand what fun you Dauntless hellions get out of it."

"That's exactly what my Dad says about it, you know." I smirk.

"You don't say!" Cara grimaces. "Can't believe I sound like a Stiff."

"Oh, shut up," I laugh. "We are all humans, and you know that is all that matters." Cara's attitude is quite rude and we might disagree on things, but our camaraderie is getting better as we work towards a common goal. I'm learning not to take her insults personally. And the fact that I haven't killed her brother is certainly a plus point in the matter.

We stumble into an unlit, dusty room and crouch down on the floor.

"Lucky I have a flashlight," Cara says switching it on. "This place is terrible." The flashlight spreads a wide, bright beam between us. Cara's face looks less human, bathed in the light at strange angles. So does mine, I guess.

"Did you find out about the serums?" I ask.

Cara looks grave. "You are in luck. I am among the candidates chosen to work on the simulation serum that is supposed to be sent to Dauntless."

I stay silent for the moment, soaking the impact of the words. It means that Cara is responsible, among other people, for the destruction of the Abnegation sector. And indirectly for Will's death. I forcefully stifle the anger which rises in me. _This hasn't happened yet. And Cara is on your side._ Well, no wonder she had worked so hard to help Dauntless after the attack. She must have felt guilty for Will's death too.

"Then couldn't you change the composition of the serum? Make it into something else that isn't as harmful?"

"That's not possible," Cara says, shaking her head. "Firstly, I am not the only person preparing the serum; if I try to change it, the others will notice. We have been given very specific information about what is required from us. And more importantly, you must understand that we are not developing the serum. Jeanine prepared an experimental range. We are only expected to prepare a large batch by reproducing the initial sample... so there really is nothing I can do in there."

"Okay." I look down, disheartened. "How about an inoculation serum, then? You know the composition of what you are making."

"I don't think I can do that, either," Cara said. "Listen, it's not that I don't want to," she says quickly when I open my mouth angrily. "I have been doing research on it ever since Jeanine called us up, two days ago. This serum works differently than others; this is not a hallucinogenic, not completely. Instead of changing your surroundings, it transfers your consciousness to a sleep like state, where the mind is ready to comply to whatever orders are issued. The trick is in the neurotransmitters; as you probably know, they are chemicals that affect the functioning of our brain. The link is between the neurotransmitters in the serum that will be launched into the victim's blood and the hard drive that will cause the program to run. The chemical substances Jeanine has used in this one... I haven't found out any chemical that can act as a reversing agent to them. I don't think she has used any serum so far that has such a great connection to electronic signals. I have no idea why it shouldn't work on the Divergent, though. Maybe their brains —"

"Cara."

"Sorry, got carried away." She looks sheepish. "Anyway, long story short, I can't modify this serum or develop any repellent for it, as far as my abilities go. The only way you can prevent the attack is by stopping the drive containing the instruction code from functioning." My disappointment must have shown on my face, because her expression softens.

"There's that other serum, isn't it? The one for the Divergent that you mentioned the other day? Maybe I can do something about that."

"Yes," I say. "Have you found anything about it?"

"Jeanine hasn't said anything about a special serum to anyone, not even her closest correspondents," Cara replies. "Either she hasn't created anything yet, or —"

"She had called it her experiment," I add, remembering Jeanine's words. "I doubt she'd make it public anyway.'

Cara nods. "So I need you to tell me all you know about it." She fumbles in her satchel for a moment, before fishing out a small notebook and a pen. "So, fire away. It's a hallucinogenic?"

I feel uncomfortable looking at the notebook; it feels too much like an interview. But I understand that this is necessary.

"Yes," I say. "It makes you look at your surroundings differently — it makes your friends appear as your enemy, and, well, vice versa."

Cara nods, scribbling furiously in her notebook. "Does it induce a sleepwalking state?"

"No. He — he was wide awake. Alert. Just... he saw things differently."

"He." Cara looks at me keenly. "The test subject? Who was it?"

"Oh." I blush, realizing what I had revealed. "Um — Four. You know him?"

"I haven't met him face to face, but heard about him, oh, yes." Cara's eyes are bright in the glare of the flashlight. "Four, Dauntless prodigy, almost-leader. I doubt if anyone doesn't know him. Max comes around a lot to Erudite, and it doesn't take much to realize that Four's his star boy, from whatever little we hear of his conversations with Jeanine."

I raise my eyebrows.

"Anyway, go on."

"Jeanine injected the serum into him during the attack. After that, he was sent to the control room to keep the simulation running. Later, when he was put under the truth serum in Candor he revealed that from his point of view under the serum, he was trying to stop the simulation, not run it. And when I came to stop him, he saw me as a Dauntless soldier."

"So the serum worked for him." Cara nods, noting down the points. "How did he come out of the sim?"

"I tried to make him see me as who I am, past the hallucination. He almost killed me... but I did it. He managed it. He has simulation awareness, so that might have helped."

Cara nods again. I see that she has a small smile on her lips. "You two must have had a pretty amazing connection, for you to be able to cause him to snap out of it." She looks at me sympathetically. "It must have been hard for you, hiding your feelings, this time around."

"Surprised Erudites know anything about feelings," I retort before I can stop myself. The constant discussion about the Erudite's plans has given me a bitter feel.

"Hey, who's being prejudiced now?" Cara says, hurt flashing in her eyes.

"Sorry," I say. "My experience with Erudite isn't the best."

"Your brother is an Erudite."

"He's a traitor."

"What?" Cara's eyes widen.

I look away. "He sold me out to Jeanine the first time around. We came close to making up towards the end, though, and I guess I forgave him before I died. I am trying to convince him not to repeat what he did last time, but I don't think I've done a good job so far."

"Wait a second. You died?"

"I didn't tell you, did I? Well, how else do you think I ended up in the past? Woke up from a dream?"

"Might as well be." Cara shrugs. "People aren't supposed to go back in time when they die anyway, or we'd never be going forward."

"Fair point," I mutter. "But that's what happened. Anyway, so is that information enough?"

"I suppose so." Cara nods. "This serum seems similar in many ways to the fear serum itself, and I have worked with that before. So I think there's a better chance of me being able to do something. When is the attack supposed to be?"

"Initiation day," I say.

Cara pales. "We don't have much time."

"No," I agree. "We don't."

There is a short, pensive silence.

"So that's it, then?" I say. "I don't think there is anything else we can discuss for now."

Cars nods. "Wait a minute, though." She reaches into her bag again, pulling out something small and metallic. "Here," she says, giving it to me. "This is for you."

I look at it. It's a watch. Much more classier than the gray one I have, though — its steely shade glints in the light thrown by the flashlight. The dial is rimmed by a narrow ring of blue. The face is dark, with white markings and hands. It is a beautiful specimen, whoever made it, but I don't see what use it can be to me.

"Um, thank you," I say, frowning, "I appreciate it, but I already have a watch, and if it is your idea of a joke to get me to learn the importance of time —"

"Don't be silly," Cara says with laugh. "It's not just a watch. I thought that we'd better have a means of communication between us, and since phones are, a) not used by Dauntless initiates, and b) are too noticeable and easily trackable, I got this."

She reaches towards me. "Here, let me show you. You press this button here," she does so, touching a small, almost unnoticeable button on the side, "and move the face to the side, and voila!"

The dial moves to the side like a little trapdoor, and a holographic screen springs up.

"My friends and I made this," Cars says, pride in her voice and smile. "Your one is configured at its simplest — you can use it to send messages only. I have a counterpart with me, so we can communicate without having to come all the way here."

I stare at the device in awe. "Wow. It's really amazing."

"Thank you," Cara says, looking her happiest throughout the meeting. "You can carry it around without anyone getting suspicious."

"Thanks." I nod, smiling. "This is great."

"I'll let you know when I make some progress with the serum," she says as we walk out of the building. "You keep me updated too."

"Don't worry," I tell her. "I will."

I hear the horn of the train in the distance.

"How is Will?" Cara asks as we stand by the tracks.

"He's fine." I smile. "And he might be about to get a girlfriend."

"No, really?" Cara laughs, surprised. "My little brother's all grown up. The girl had better be good."

I nod. "She is."

The train rushes up to where I stand. I swing myself in.

"Goodbye!" I call out.

Cara nods, already some distance away from the train, which is picking up pace. "See you later!"

And then she is gone from sight, as are the Erudite headquarters.

I walk silently to back Dauntless headquarters, thinking. I feel significantly more optimistic than when I left. If things improve over time, maybe I'll be able to save lives, stop the attack, at least minimize the casualties. No, there is no 'maybe'. I must. I will not fail. Even if I have to die again for it.

I'll have to tell Tobias the truth too; I'll need his help. I fear tomorrow and look forward to me in equal measure. Will he understand? Surely he will.

The Dauntless building is close; my eyes on the ground, I stride towards it, towards the entrance which will lead me to bed and sleep. I touch the watch in my trouser pocket. I hope to use it well. I can't help admire the Erudite's genius at the moment.

I am so lost in thought that I don't notice the figure standing at the entrance until it is far too late. I stop in my tracks with a gasp, and my heart plummets to my stomach.

Standing with his arms crossed, his eyes cold and unforgiving, is Tobias.


	13. Confession

**Sorry (nah, not at all) about the cliffhanger! Thanks so much to all of you for reviewing, favouriting and following. Love you lots!**

* * *

The moment of silence is deafening. I can hear my heart thudding, reflecting the fear which has seized up in every cell of my body. Oh no. This can't be happening. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but my throat is dry. Tobias says nothing, just glares at me. I had never realized how much I could be scared of the ice in his eyes.

"Um, hi?" I say; the words come out as a squeak. God, I am such a fool.

He grabs my wrist, and drags me inside without looking at me. I try to pull myself free, but his grip is vice-like, unrelenting, and I can't do anything. I stumble along after him, and he walks, dragging me on.

"To — uh, Four? What —?" What a prize idiot am I, trying to stop myself from saying his real name now? He already has heard me say it. And what is the use of evasion now, anyway, when he has caught me in the worst moment possible? Why, oh why couldn't I have passed through this night? I'd have told him everything in the morning.

Tobias doesn't bother to offer a reply. He and I walk down the Pit. The place is completely empty; the roar of the underground river seems thunderous in my ears.

My heart is pounding in my ribcage. Where are we going? Is he going to report me to Max? Or Eric? I look around frantically in the empty surrounds of the Pit, but there is no one. Nobody to help me. Only me, and a very livid Tobias. How ironic that I am searching for someone to save me from him, the person who has saved me from every possible harm. But I cannot gauge his intentions in any way. I wish he'd yell at me, say something at all. It wouldn't be as unnerving as his frigid silence.

He walks me down a corridor, and I find myself facing the door to his apartment. Relief courses through me, and with it, shame, for doubting his intentions. Of course he'd never sell me out to Eric.

Tobias shoves me inside and locks the door behind him. And then he stands, leaning against the door, his eyes boring into me. I hope that I don't look like a deer in the headlights, because that's exactly how I feel. The silence stretches around us, tight and stifling. I wish Tobias would just say something. But he doesn't. So I am forced to make the first move.

"I —" I clear my throat, shuffling my feet. "This isn't what it looks like." I don't know what it seems to him, but either way, the truth can't be what he thinks it is.

"Oh, it isn't, is it?" Tobias' voice is deadly quiet. I flinch. This is his instructor voice, the one which everyone finds intimidating. This is Marcus' voice, before the belt lashes out. "So you weren't out of the headquarters at night, despite knowing that initiates are not supposed to stray outside alone? You didn't go out to the Erudite headquarters to meet a member of that faction?"

My heart staggers; how did he know? And then the realization hits me like a brick to the head. The feeling of being followed, how I had felt like someone had been tailing me all the way to Erudite. It was Tobias. He must have seen me leave.

I look away. "Yes. Yes, I was, but —"

"And I don't think it was your brother you were meeting, Tris."

I sigh. "No." My voice is small, afraid.

"Tris," Tobias pinches the bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb, probably an attempt at calming himself, "I assume that you know that the Erudites... don't have the best intentions as far as we are concerned? "

I nod nervously. The crease between his brows becomes more pronounced. "I was hoping you'd say no," he says quietly, his voice shaking with anger. "Well, care to enlighten me?" Oh, how can a voice this quiet hold this much anger and harshness? Every word of his feels like a blade.

"I was out of the headquarters tonight, and I did go to Erudite to see someone... who is not my brother. But not for the reasons you think."

Tobias simply raises an eyebrow. I can't recall any time he was this angry with me, maybe other than when I told him that he was wrong for supporting Nita. And even that was a different sort of anger. That was defiance. This is a feeling of stark betrayal.

"I'm... I'm not a spy. I am not working with the Erudite. I am not a traitor."

"You are not, are you?" Tobias shows no sign of softening. "Then what _are_ you? That's what I'd like to know. I thought that I would wait for you to open up to me on your own; I did not want to push you. And _this_ is what I get for that! I thought I could trust you. I hoped I could _love_ you!" I gasp. He clutches at his hair in his frustration. "I wanted _us_ to work! But how can I possibly believe in you, after all this? You are nothing like you appear to the common eye. _Who are you, Tris Prior?_ "

"I —" I feel tears in my eyes. There is no way of escape this time; it's time to spill. "I _am_ what it seems. I am just a girl, a Dauntless. But..." I take in a sharp breath. "It's a long story."

Tobias shrugs. "I've got all night."

 _Not letting me go, are you?_ Of course he's not.

"Listen," I sigh. "I can't tell you when you are this angry. You need to have a clear head. I'll tell you what — give me an hour. You calm down by that time, and I'll tell you everything."

"How can I be sure you won't lie?" Tobias asks bitterly.

"I swear it on my life," I say. This is how downhill it has gone? Will Tobias ever trust me again? His words sound again and again in my head. What have I done? "I — Four —"

"Oh, just say my real name already," he says with a embittered smile. "It's not as if it's a secret that you know it."

"Okay," I say in a small voice. "I'm sorry I hid things from you, Tobias. I promise I won't lie to you anymore. Please wait an hour — to calm down? I need to clear my head too."

"Half an hour," he growls.

"Alright," I concede, looking away. "Fine."

The silence stretches out again, more awkward this time than anything.

"Is everything between us a lie?" Tobias' voice is so quiet that I almost miss it. I look up, startled. His dark eyes are tortured, conflicted. "I don't know what to believe anymore, Tris. How can I trust you at all, anymore?"

I want to throw my arms around his neck and console him until his look of betrayal is wiped out. But I keep my distance.

"You can," I croak out, and then clear my throat. "Please, believe in me. I'm not trying to deceive you in any way. Tobias, please, trust me."

He doesn't say anything, either in affirmative or negative. I don't know if it's a good sign or bad.

"Um. See you in half an hour, then."

He has his back to me now. "Don't think of trying to get out again," he says quietly. I mumble an affirmative and slip out of the room.

I stare up at the night sky, lying once again on the net that had been my first entrance to the faction which is my home now. I can't believe what I have done. I made a mess of everything. Will Tobias trust me again, even if I tell him the truth? I picture the look on his face when he found me, a stark contrast to the soft smile when we kissed near the Ferris Wheel, to all those moments when he had smiled and laughed with me. Did I lose it all with one mistake? Tobias was the reason I chose to face everything all over again, over the tempting peace of death. What will I do if he never looks at me the same way again? I imagine Christina's expression when I confessed that I had killed Will. Will Tobias always look at me that way, now? My heart clenches painfully.

The words that he had said to me in the simulation last day. _I can't believe I ever liked you. We are done_. Has that turned into a reality already?

I look up at the stars. They offer no answer.

Half an hour passes too soon. I still haven't composed what I am supposed to say in my head. Everything feels jumbled, smothered by the fear and uncertainty. Will he believe me? Will he understand? I have nothing better to do than to trust that he will. _Please, Tobias. Please. Give me a chance._

I walk back to his apartment. My footsteps feel unnecessary loud against the stone; I am half afraid that Eric will catch me wandering. But no one crosses paths with me; Tobias' discovery of my going out remains the most sensational occurrence of the night. Tobias' door is unlocked. I slip inside and shut the door.

I find him sitting on his bed, his head in his hands. He looks up at me as I enter. His expression is still hard.

"You are still mad at me, aren't you?" I ask softly.

"No." He sighs. "Okay, yes I am. Do you expect me not to be, after this?"

"Maybe then—"

"Don't you dare stall it." He looks at me sternly, and then pats the place on his bed beside him. I comply, resisting the urge to shift closer to him. I'll need to keep my composure, and he always makes me lose my thoughts. Besides, I doubt he'll be very welcoming this time.

"Okay," my voice is quiet and uncertain. "What do you want to know?"

"The right answer would be 'everything'," he says, a cold edge to his voice, "but you could start with how much you know about me."

I take a deep breath. "Okay." _Here goes._ "Well, I know that your name is Tobias Eaton. Your parents are Marcus and Evelyn Eaton. Your mother apparently died at a young age at childbirth, and your father abused you." I close my eyes for a moment, trying to banish the image of Marcus with his belt in the fear landscape. Tobias inhales sharply. There is a couple of second's silence. I steal a glance at him; he looks shocked and tortured at the same time.

"I am surprised you haven't looked at me differently all this time, if you knew all that," he finally says in a low voice.

"Differently, how?" I quirk an eyebrow at him.

"Like I am a kicked puppy or something."

"Because you are not." I laugh at little. He had said the exact same thing the first time around. "You really don't know me at all, do you?" _Of course he doesn't,_ my subconscious sneers. _You are the one who knows the future._ That sobers me up again to the anxious, tense state that I was in.

"Alright, get on with it." He clears his throat.

"Um, so, you were first in the rankings as an initiate. You have a tattoo of the Dauntless flames on your ribcage, and all the factions on your back, with Dauntless the largest, and Abnegation thereafter." I don't even know why I am saying this; I see him blush, even as I do.

"Your mother didn't actually die. She became factionless. You found out she is alive last year, and have kept contact with her since." I know I tread unsteady grounds, but I stay it still: "You were considering becoming factionless, because you never really felt you belonged here. But you have been stalling your decision, since you saw me. Oh, and you are Divergent. And... and you are called Four because you have only four fears, which is the lowest value ever seen in Dauntless." I could go on about the other things I know about him, but I think I have already said more than enough.

Tobias gives a low whistle. "You know more about me than anyone else does." His face is very pale, his eyes wide.

"Yeah, I guess," I murmur.

"How?"

There it is, the answer. The secret. The truth. It's time.

"I know it will seem farfetched, but I am from the future. My body belongs to now, but my consciousness is from the future. I...I've been through everything once already, Tobias."

"Wh-what?"

His eyes are wide. I haven't seen him this stunned before. He opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times, but he can't speak.

"That's the truth," I say quietly. "In my... last life, if I put it that way, when I died, I went back in time, to now."

Tobias inhales sharply. "You died?"

"Yes."

"When? Your age, I mean."

I think. "I don't keep track of my birthday, being an Abnegation, you know, but I guess... I was, what, seventeen, maximum? It would be some months from now."

His hands grip my wrists. I look up in shock. He has his eyes shut tightly, and even as I look at him, he shakes his head, as if to banish some painful image. His grip on my wrist feels tighter with every moment, and when it becomes painful, I speak up.

"Tobias."

He opens his eyes, realizing the situation, and let's go of my hand. "Sorry," he says, his voice a little scratchy. "I... got lost for a moment."

I nod. "So... Do you believe me?"

He sighs. "It feels impossible, really, but there is no reason why anyone who wants to lie would say something so unlikely to happen, so it must be the truth."

I nod, feeling grateful. "Thank you."

"So your consciousness was transferred to now when you died," he says. "You were asked to go back."

"I was given a choice," I correct him. "When I died, I saw my mother. She...she had died already. She told me I could die, or I could go back and try to change things, to stop them from happening the way they did. I chose the latter."

"Why?" he whispers.

"I..." I take a deep breath. "Because of you. I couldn't imagine leaving you alone. I thought how it would be for you if I died like that... without even saying goodbye, and I knew I had to do it." That was my biggest reason. His thoughts made me get up and struggle again.

His arms wrap around me. I never realized when we had shifted so close to each other. "We...we were close to each other, right? Together?"

I nod. Tears cling to my lashes. That love seems so far away now, a beautiful plant brought up by long stretches of struggle and suffering, now only a tiny sapling once again. "I loved you," I confess. "I still do."

"And I loved you." His tone is soft, wondering. I think back to all those times when he had told me so. He had said it first. He had loved me even before I did. "Yes."

He sighs, his breath warm again my exposed neck. "Good," he says. "I cannot imagine it any other way." His words bring a shot of warmth through me.

"Why were you out tonight, Tris?" he asks me, pulling back after a few moments of silence to look me in the eye. "Please... tell me honestly. You are not a traitor?"

"No!" I have to resist the urge to break his gaze, his blue eyes are so sharp and penetrating. "I'm trying to stop the Erudite's plans, not help them. I want to stop the attack on Abnegation. That's what I went for."

"To meet an Erudite?" He looks mildly skeptical.

"She is Will's sister, Cara. She has agreed to help me. I need inside information, especially about the serums. I can't do all that by myself."

Tobias looks worried, his brows furrowed. "Are you sure she can be trusted?"

I nod. "Hope is the best I can do. She has her brother's life on stake."

He looks away, thoughtful. "I have been working on figuring out what the Erudite have been planning for a long time. I found the map of the Abnegation sector among Max's things, so I figured that he attack would be on the Abnegation. I was planning to tell you that, but, well.." He shrugs, and I nod. It came to this, which very nearly branded me as a traitor in his eyes. Thank God he believes me.

"We have to stop it," I say, biting my lip. "If we fail, the entire Abnegation will be wiped out." I wonder when 'I' became 'we' for me. Probably the moment he believed in me.

He nods. "What was it like, in your past life? It happened, right? That's how you know?"

"Yes," I murmur. "The Erudite will use the Dauntless to fight. They don't have any warfare resources themselves."

"I know," Tobias agrees. "What I can't figure out is how they are going to get us to fight."

"Neurotransmitters," I say, answering his query. "They'll inject us with a simulation serum with the excuse of using it for tracking people if they went missing." My fingers twitch. It's not easy talking about the attack. "In the reality I came from, the attack was essentially successful. The simulation changed all Dauntless to brain-dead soldiers."

"What?" Tobias' voice is sharp.

"They injected the serum to everyone... all other than the leaders and a few loyal to the plan." I think of Peter, and my insides writhe in anger. "It was as if everyone was sleepwalking. They were being commanded from a program being run in the control room in Dauntless. Only the Divergent were not under the simulation." I look at him meaningfully. _All except you and I. And a few others._

"They attacked the Abnegation and killed the leaders, and rounded up the rest, if not killing them.

"Once in Abnegation, Eric got you and me and took us to Jeanine. She gave you a test serum which worked even on the Divergent. It made your friends appear to be enemies." Tears prickle at the corners of my eyes as I remember his furious, bloodthirsty expression. I stop, and simply stare into his eyes.

I feel him stiffen as the piece of information clicks into his mind. His arms encircle me once again, his hard chest presses against my back. I crane my neck to look at him.

"I — I didn't hurt you, did I?" Tobias' eyes are wide, frightened. "Tris, please. Tell me I didn't hurt you." His grip around my arms tightens. When I don't reply, he buries his head on my shoulder, groaning. "Oh, God."

"Anyway," I continue shakily. "They sent you to keep the simulation running. They locked me away in a glass tank full of water." Tobias nods a little, his expression horrified. He must have realized the reference to my fear.

"My mother came just in time to save me, but... but she got shot." I can't continue now; my voice chokes. Tobias doesn't break the silence, his warmth envelope me more as he pulls me tightly up against him. We sit quietly, heavy breathing and thoughts haywire, until I calm down again.

"I knew that the only way to set things right was to stop the simulation. I rushed to the safehouse where the rest of my family was, and on the way I... encountered Will. He was under the sim. I killed him." A sob breaks through me. "God, Tobias, I killed my own friend." Every crime feels a hundred times worse now. Every loss feels fresh.

"You had no choice," Tobias says in a low voice. I nod, wiping the tears away. I need to get done with this.

"I went to the Dauntless headquarters with my dad, Caleb and Marcus." Tobias stiffens at the mention of his father.

"Did you take the way one has to for initiation? " he asks suddenly.

"Yes. Why?"

"Nothing." He smirks a little bitterly. "Just trying to imagine my father do it."

"We had to evade the guards under simulation. My father...died in the way, trying to save me." This time, I don't let myself pause. _It's not happened yet. Don't be weak_. "I found you in the control room."

"And?" Tobias' eyes are tight with worry.

"You escaped the simulation." I don't go over the details. I don't want him to live with the guilt of something he hasn't done.

He blinks. "What? How? Just like that?"

"You are Divergent, Tobias," I say, not quite looking him in the eye. Its a lie, a white lie, but still. "You can break any simulation. You — heard my voice, when I tried to get you to wake up. That's what you said." He nods, his relief evident.

I go on to tell him of the simulation being stopped, and our escape to Amity. Tobias is an attentive listener; he drinks in every detail.

"What happened next?" he asks when I pause.

"Jeanine was still after the Divergents. The Dauntless had broken into half — those still loyal and those who now supported the Erudite. The members of the latter group hunted us down at Amity. We ran again."

I tell him briefly of our visit to the factionless sector, about his mother, our stay at Candor, Max's death, the Erudite's repeated attempts at harming the Divergent. The narration isn't easy; I can see every turn that my life took, every adversity I went through. I can see more than ever how I changed with time, how I became harder and stronger, and how Tobias was a catalyst in the change. I was the same, too, in every way he changed. It feels strange that all that happened in the course of some months. My life really began then, and then it ended. Too soon, really.

Tobias' expression is tense and tight as he hears me through, the way his hold occasionally tightens around me an indication of when the events take a particular toll on his emotional state, or mine. I tell him of how the factionless attacked the Erudite, combined with the Dauntless. And what I did.

"I can't believe you worked with _Marcus_ ," he says, his tone hardening.

"I'm sorry I had to lie to you," I say. "I needed the truth. There was no one else I could turn to."

"The truth," he snorts, his face contorted with bitterness, "You thought you could learn the truth from a liar, a traitor, a sociopath?"

"Glad to know you're the same man I loved," I retort with a humorless laugh. "You said the same thing to me then."

The silence between us lies tenser than before for a few long moments, before he motions me to continue. Talking is the easiest way to stop thinking, so I go on. I tell him about how we broke into Erudite, saving the innocents and how Tori killed Jeanine, and about the way Evelyn inconspicuously managed to disarm every Dauntless and take control. Tobias sighs.

"I'm glad you did what you did," he says quietly. "I don't know what could have come over me to not think of all the innocent people in Erudite. I never want to do this. And after everything... we were all fools. You were the only one was sensible."

I place my hand over his. " _You_ haven't done anything. This hasn't happened yet, remember? Even though I am saying it all in the past tense. We'll make sure it never happens."

He turns his hand so he is holding mine. I squeeze it and he returns the gesture.

"We will," he says, his eyes steely with determination.

"You managed to get the drive," I say, continuing with the narration.

"What?" He looks startled.

"You listened to me. You hunted it out with Caleb and played the file out in from of everyone."

I tell him what the video showed. He looks awestruck.

"So there's a whole wide world outside," he whispers. "I always wondered what's beyond the fence."

"That video wasn't the entire truth, though."

"No?" He frowns. "Then what is?"

I tell him about the destruction of the faction system, and about the Allegiant, about our escape beyond the fence.

"We had traveled some distance when a truck came. There were two people in it — Zoe and Amar."

Tobias makes a low noise at Amar's name. I look at him, fighting a smile.

"What?"

"Nothing. Amar... My instructor had the same name."

"That's because he is the same man."

"What?" That's the second most surprised look I've seen on Tobias' face. "It can't be! Amar is dead. He was Divergent, and they killed him."

I shake my head. "No, Tobias. He escaped. He is fine."

Tobias looks incredulous and amazed. "Wow. That's great news."

"Uh, so..."

I go intentionally vague about the story past this point. I don't want to talk about Tobias being 'damaged', or what he did to Uriah. I can't have him close off with the guilt and self-loathing, not when it does not matter at all. I tell him of the Bureau, of David and my mother's involvement in everything, going hazy about the parts where the discussions about 'genetic purity' came up. I let him think that he is truly Divergent, that he is 'pure'. I don't let myself feel bad for this secrecy; it is for his well being. These lies can't hurt him.

"There was an attack by a rebel group on David. And... in the process, Uriah... he died."

"No!" I never thought Tobias could be that shocked, that horrified. "No... Zeke's brother..."

I nod, biting my lip, as tears fill my eyes.

"So many people," Tobias sighs, lowering his head on my shoulder. "So many dead..."

"And then David decided that the chaos in Chicago was too much, and he thought that the memory serum should be used, to start everything afresh."

"What?" Tobias looks furious, almost murderous. "First they use us for an experiment, spy on us, and now they are trying to play some sort of God?"

"I know." I can't help the anger that seeps into my voice too; talking about David reminds me afresh all the injustice he did to us. "We made a plan to stop it... or I did. We would release the memory serum on them, to make them forget the concept of 'pure' and 'damaged'. So you, Christina and a few others went to Chicago to inoculate those we love, and Caleb was supposed to go into the weapons lab, pass through the death serum that was placed as a guard, and activate the switch. It was all going according to plan, but then we were caught, and so... I left Caleb and went to the lab myself."

I look up at Tobias' face, wondering what I'd see. Surprising me, there isn't anger, only an expression of profound grief.

"And you died," he concludes.

"I went past the death serum, I don't know how, but I did. But David had suspected us already, so he was there, inoculated against the death serum. He shot me. That's how I died. But not before I activated the memory serum."

I turn around so I am face to face with Tobias. I need to see his face, to know what he thinks.

His eyes are thoughtful, sad, angry, worried, so many things all at once. As I face him, he pulls me to him and brushes his lips against mine.

"I'm not surprised at what you did," he murmurs, his face inches from mine. "That is exactly the sort of thing I imagine only you can do. And as much I hate to say it, you were right to do it." He sighs. "I don't know how I'd live after that, though."

I have a small inkling, of his reactions and actions, which I saw in the dream. I look down, my eyes dimming as I remember his grief.

"Well, I am here now, am I not?" I say with a wobbly smile. "And this time, I'll try not to die on you."

"Good," he growls softly, running a knuckle along my jawline, "because I'll kill you if you do." We both laugh, our laughter shaky and strange from all the emotions choking us.

We sit in silence, just looking at each other. I feel a knot loosening insight me, even as I feel a dead weight on my stomach as I see Tobias' brows furrowed thoughtfully. It's finally over. All of it. I've told him everything.

"What are you thinking?" I whisper, reaching out for his hand.

"A lot of things?" His words come out more like a question. "That was... a lot to digest. Would I be exaggerating if I say that my life feels like a lie?"

"Not at all." I smile wryly. "I felt the same way when I found it all out, and I can only imagine what it must be for you to hear it all at once."

"Were you ever planning to tell me all this?" Tobias asks me, the sudden tiredness and anger in his voice taking me by surprise. "Would I have found the truth about you at all, if I hadn't caught you tonight?"

"I would have," I tell him firmly, hoping that I can convince him. "I was going to tell you tomorrow, you know. I wanted to tell you earlier, right from the moment we met, but I just didn't know how to, or when. I was so afraid that it would break things between us, and I'd lose you forever. What if you hated me, and didn't look at me the same way again? I'd never be able to live with that. I was so frightened, Tobias."

"Why would I hate you?" he asks, wide eyed. "I don't hate you, never will."

"Well, you should. I'm not a good person. I have made mistakes. I have killed people, ruined lives!"

"Stop hating yourself so much, Tris," Tobias sighs. "You are an amazing person. I am certainly no better than you, trust me, so I can never judge you."

"I didn't want you to carry the burden of knowing what's in store for us, either," I murmur. "I wanted you to be normal. Just the way you are."

"I still haven't changed," he says firmly. "Yes, all this was a lot to take, but I am fine. And I'd rather share this weight with you, than have you hold it up alone. I can only imagine what it must have been for you all these days."

At his words, the weight of realization comes crashing down on me again. I have so much to do. So many people's lives depend on me.

"There are so many people I have to save, that I want to save." I sigh. The tiredness of narrating it all feels so much heavier now. "When Mom told me I could come back, I thought... I don't know, maybe that I can go back to the living world, to you. But now... I have so many responsibilities. What if I make a mistake? What if instead of making things better, I make them worse?"

Tobias looks into my eye, brushing away strands of hair from my face. I feel like he is the only thing holding me together now. "You won't be alone," he promises, "I will help you."

"I know." I smile a little, burying my face into his shoulder. "I love you."

He pulls me back a little, pressing kisses to my forehead, cheeks, neck, and finally on my lips. I sigh against his mouth. His reaction is a relief, a sign that I did the right thing in trusting him. I can't help wish I had told him everything earlier, now.

"How much did you manage to do till now?" he asks quietly, still holding me against him.

"Not much really," I admit with a crushing feeling of defeat. "I stood up against Eric when he went for Christina, if it counts as anything. And I stopped Peter from taking out Edward's eye with that butter knife. I talked to Cara, Will's sister, and told her about the upcoming attack, that Will may die. She has been researching about the serum and trying whatever she can to help. But it's not enough." I look at Tobias. "I need your help."

"I'll do whatever you need me to," he says, making me smile.

"Thank you," I say, stifling a yawn. It's been a tiring day. And night, because I expect half of it has already gone in my storytelling. "Do you mind if we talk about it tomorrow?"

He shrugs. "No problem. It's late anyway."

I know I need sleep, now, but the feeling of Tobias' arms around me and his warm breathing on my skin is so comforting, I can't get myself to leave. Or even move. His thoughts seem to be moving along similar lines too, it seems, because he does nothing to move away from me. We just sit together, savoring each other's company.

"The first time around, you were in my fear landscape, you know," I say suddenly, thoughtlessly. I don't even know why I said it; this is hardly an appropriate moment to say something like that.

"What?" He pulls back, shock and hurt in his eyes. "Why — what was I doing?"

"Trying — er, to have sex with me," I smile shyly.

"Fear of intimacy." He nods, looking thoughtful. "Well, thankfully it was me, not some other boy. How did you stop the sim?"

"By saying no, and kissing you," I grin. "I lost that fear that very day.

"Good." He smiles. "Just so you know, I am new at this type of things too. Zeke tried to set me up a couple of times, but let's say, they were all complete disasters. "

"Yes," I giggle. "You told me."

"But now you are more experienced than me," he grumbles. "So unfair."

"Too right I am," I say, laughing. "I can be your instructor here."

"I'll show you 'instructor'," he growls playfully, his eyes darkening, and pulls my mouth roughly down to his. I am staggered momentarily at the passion in his kiss, but then I respond with equal enthusiasm. This feels like heaven; the weight of the secret no longer holding me down, Tobias still with me. The night has finally shown its beautiful colors after the initial murky shades of fear and betrayal.

The excitement and all the emotional assault of the day has left me drained. I flop down Tobias' bed after a while when we are quite sated with all the kissing, struggling to keep my eyes open. Smiling a little, Tobias covers me with his quilt.

"I should leave," I mumble. "Go to my dorm... Goodnight."

"Don't think about it," he laughs. "You are staying the night here. If you are not uncomfortable, that is. You take the bed, I'll sleep on the floor."

My hand shoots out and grabs his arm before I can stop myself, as he begins to move away from me. Not that I want to.

"Please," I murmur. "Stay with me. Don't leave."

His smile broadens, and he lets himself be pulled towards me. "I'm not going anywhere, if that is what you want," he promises. "Ever."

And he slips in, lying down beside me. His strong arms encircle me, my back pressed to his hard chest. I have never felt more protected. I have never felt better.

The last thing I see before I drift off, listening to his deep breathing and delighting at the feeling of his body around me, is the writing on his wall — 'Fear God alone.'

* * *

 **Whew! I've been wanting to write this chapter since forever. Hope I did justice to it. What do you think?**

 **So long! Love ya!**


	14. Ain't No Problems

**Next chapter's up! Thank to you all for the reads, reviews, faves and follows, as usual :)**

 **Also, thanks to Eunice399 for pointing this out: '** **Also, I wonder, was David watching? Bc now he knows what the future holds too...'** **I had that point in mind, but totally forgot to add it in the last chapter!**

 **By the way, I have been meaning to ask you guys for a while... Have you listened to Beth Crowley's 'Warrior'? It's really great, and totally fitting as Tris' song for Tobias!**

 **Disclaimer: Need I say? Don't own Divergent, nor any dialogue you recognize.**

* * *

I wake up with my face pressed to a hard chest. For a second I'm confused at the unfamiliarity of my surroundings, before my memories catch up with me. I am in Tobias' apartment. And the muscled body my arms are wrapped around belong to said person himself. My face warms up even as a ridiculous smile creeps up on my lips. I back off a little to look at him.

Tobias is still asleep, half of his face pressed into the pillow, his hair tousled and lips slightly parted. He looks so young like this, the face of the toughened soldier melting away to give way to the vulnerable young man he is inside. I smile, biting my lip as I give in to the temptation of touching him, running my fingers lightly over his face, tracing his jaw, his lips and cheekbones. He must be really tired, because he does not wake, and knowing what a light sleeper Tobias is, that is surprising. One corner of his lips raises itself up ever so slightly, and he buries his face deeper into the pillow. Still wearing the dopey smile, I raise myself up to press a light kiss on his exposed cheek, before falling back into the pillows. My eyes still feel somewhat heavy, so I decide that a little more sleep can only do me good. I stare at the sleeping boy beside me as long as I can, until I drift off, with my last thought being how amazing it would be if we could wake up next to each other everyday.

The next time when I wake up, the space in the bed beside me is already empty. I blink the sleep out of my eyes, my gaze reaching out for Tobias. It is after a few moments of turning my head around that I find him, standing with his hands pressed on the kitchen counter. He is shirtless, the five factions drawn in intricate black lines on his back, a living proof of Tori's expertise. I climb down from the bed and quietly pad over to him. Biting my lip as I hesitate for a moment, I wrap my arms around him. I feel him stiffen for a fraction of a second, but then, to my relief, he relaxes.

"Morning," he murmurs, his deep voice vibrating against my arms. His hands reach to touch mine, lightly. "Sleep well?"

"Better than many nights," I say, thinking about the nightmares I've had. "How about you?"

"Really well, surprisingly," he replies, "seeing as I am not used to sharing a bed with anyone."

I hum against him a little before pulling back. We stare at each other for a moment, before he walks past me and grabs a black T-shirt from his drawers. I feel a tiny pang of disappointment as the tanned skin and the flames painted over his ribcage disappear from view.

"I know that you must have seen me shirtless before," he says, his cheeks lightly flushed with embarrassment, "but I don't usually invite many people to look at me, any person, actually."

"It's okay, I understand," I say with a smile. "But, well... you have no reason to. I mean, look at you."

He shakes his head, smiling, and sits down on the bed. His eyes are even more lost in thought than usual.

"What are you thinking?" I ask curiously.

"About last night," he replies. "I got food for thought for a lifetime."

I nod; that's very understandable. "I have a question for you."

He quirks his eyebrows. "I thought I was supposed to be the one asking the questions."

"I think I have given enough answers to deserve at least one." I grin.

He shrugs. "Go on."

"How much had you figured about me, before last night? I have been dying to know, but I couldn't ask. Since when had you been suspecting?"

"Quite some time, actually," he says, his gaze growing distant as he thinks. "Your training was the first surprise for me. I wasn't expecting someone with your physical makeup to be that good at training, at the fights. You were good with the gun too, even though Stiffs are the last people who'd know anything about them. Then Zeke told me that you had boarded and got off the train perfectly too, his brother was in awe of you." He scowls.

"Tobias, there's no need to be jealous of _Uriah_ , he's like a brother to me."

"Who said I was jealous?" he says a little petulantly. I chuckle, shaking my head.

"Okay, then, tell me more."

"Then that night when I found you crying by the Chasm, you said my name in your sleep while I was taking you to the dormitory." I blush bright red. I had? "Why were you crying? You never told me."

I sigh. "I had a nightmare," I say. "I don't know if it was just my imagination or the truth... but I saw how things were with you after I died. I saw how it was after you came back from Chicago to the Bureau... and found out what happened. And I felt what you felt."

"How bad?" he asks, his voice barely a whisper. His eyes are pained.

"Was my reaction not enough to tell you that?" I say quietly. I move over to sit down by his side. He takes my hand and runs the pad of his thumb against my palm. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Go on, please."

"At first I thought that it might be that it was some other Tobias you were talking in your sleep about, but I think we both know that you slipped up a fair few times since then." A small smile graces his lips; his thumb continues to caress my skin.

"Yes," I mumble, a little flustered. "It was hard... I had gotten used to calling you by your real name."

He smiles, his smile brighter this time, and thoughtful. "Say it."

"What?"

"Say my name."

"Tobias," I say, letting the syllables slowly leave my tongue with incredible care.

"Once more?"

"Tobias." I smile. "Tobias, I love you."

He brings my hand to his lips, his eyes bright, looking at the floor, but with a smile on his face. "I could get used to this," he murmurs. His cheeks are red.

"You did well at hiding the truth about yourself," he says after a pause. "But you slipped a few times. You were too comfortable with the Dauntless and their customs, more than any Stiff could be. You were too good with the violence. And you gave vague answers anytime I asked you."

"Sounds a lot like you yourself." I grin at him.

"Maybe." He laughs. "But I am glad you told me the truth."

"Me too," I confess. "I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier." I sigh. Maybe if I had told him sooner, we would have gotten more time to sort things out."We need to plan. We don't have much time."

He nods, opening his mouth to speak. Just then, mortifyingly, my stomach gives a loud rumble.

"It seems that breakfast is the need of the hour, though." He laughs at my blushing face. "You can use my shower if you want. I'll leave before you; we shouldn't be seen together."

I nod. "Thanks."

Tobias moves to trim his hair as I peel off my jacket and move towards his bathroom. But a thought makes me stop in my tracks in horror.

"Tobias."

"What is it?" He turns towards me, his brows furrowed in anxiety at my stricken look.

"Cameras," I whisper. "There aren't any cameras in your room?" I think of the screens at the Bureau, all showing various parts of our city. They saw us kissing at the Park. They saw Evelyn, they saw Marcus and Johanna, they saw everything. If our conversations have been recorded... David would know everything. He will know the future. My insides run cold at the possibility.

"No, there aren't," he says slowly. "I told the authorities very specifically that I would not permit cameras in my apartment. Why?"

"David." That one word is enough to make him understand; his eyes widen as his lips press into a thin line.

"We should look," I say. "Just in case." He nods, and together, we hunt every inch of the room. _Please let there not be a camera. Please. Please._

Thankfully, we don't find anything. I sigh in relief, leaning against the wall. Tobias' face mirrors my feelings.

"Let's go to breakfast, then," Tobias tells me. "Come here after today's simulations, then we can talk."

With this agreement, we part ways.

-o0o-

Once everyone is done with the simulations for the day, we sit down to dinner.

"Where were you last night?" Christina asks me curiously as we start eating. I freeze, terrified that she saw that my bed was unoccupied through the night or something, but her next words put me at ease. "You weren't there when we woke up."

"I woke up early and went around for a stroll," I say easily.

"You haven't been spending much time with us lately," Will says, pouting. "I'm wounded, Tris!"

"Surely you don't mind it that much when you have someone else with you," I tease. Will blushes.

"Who?" Christina asks with slightly narrowed eyes.

"Nobody," we say in unison.

"Stop doing that!" Christina laughs, shaking her head. "It's creepy."

"Where's Al?" I ask, noticing his absence.

"He said he wasn't hungry," Will says. "Today's simulation must have been bad."

"I'm trying to help him, but it doesn't seem to be working," I sigh.

"Leave him alone, he'll come around on his own," Christina says lightly. "We are all going through the same, and we are fine. He's bound to get over it."

"We have only two days of this left anyway," Will adds.

I nod, trying to be convinced by their words. But I know that things are only going to get worse for Al, and I haven't been doing anything to change it. Heaven knows I have tried; I just don't know what to do. I look down at the table. Have I tried hard enough? Should I have done more?

When dinner is over, I give a vague excuse to Will and Christina and slink off towards Tobias' apartment. I knock at the door.

"Come in!" His deep voice sounds through the wood, and I slip inside.

"Hey." He smiles at me. "I wasn't expecting you so soon. Your friends didn't notice?"

"It's surprising how little people notice when they are too busy staring at each other," I say with a grin, inviting myself to move closer to him.

"You could be speaking about us." He smiles, his tone light, so different from what he let's everyone else see.

" _Us_?" I grin, in a mood for teasing. "I was thinking Uriah and me would be more appropriate."

To my amusement, he actually scowls.

"Aw, Tobias, did you fall for that?" I say, laughing.

"You'd better watch your mouth around me, initiate," he says coldly, in his instructor voice. I falter.

"Tobias, I didn't mean —"

And then _he_ bursts out laughing. "Aw, Tris, did you fall for that?" he mimics my words.

"Ha ha, very funny." Narrowing my eyes, I take another step closer to him. It's surprising how quickly the sexual tension builds between us. The air changes from playful to... something more, something that leaves me wanting to forget everything and just hold him to me. The first time around, my fear of involvement and my upbringing had caused us to go slow. Now, the intensity of the feelings I have for him almost scares me. I can't stop glancing at his lips. Tobias' eyes seem a shade darker than their usual deep blue. Stepping closer to me, he gently takes my lips against his. I smile as we kiss, my hands moving over his arms to caress his biceps and then to his chest.

"Can't keep your hands to yourself?" he teases, grinning as he kisses the corner of my mouth.

"I never seem to be able to when I'm with you," I smirk. "Although most girls in Dauntless would like to say the same."

"Like I care." He smiles, his hands slowly pulling back my jacket. My heart leaps in anticipation, but then there is a dim bell ringing in my head. Not of fear, I am not afraid of being with him anymore, haven't been for so long; it's a reminder, trying to tell me that we are here for a purpose.

 _What could be a better purpose than him holding you like this?_

I carefully disentangle myself from his embrace, trying to organize my thoughts. Why does he rob me of my power to think?

"Tobias... planning," I say, drawing in a shuddering breath. His lips are running against the shell of my ear.

"Hmm?" Tobias doesn't look up.

"We have to... plan."

My words finally seem to reach to him, and he pulls back.

"Planning. Yeah. Right." He shakes his head a little dazedly, then asks me to get on the bed so we can be comfortable. I try not to let the other meaning the sentence could have had get to me. _Think straight, Tris. You'll have time with him later if you fix things up properly._

"So," he looks at me keenly, "have you got something in mind?" Some of his instructor front is back, as it does when he has some serious matter at hand.

"I was hoping to get the composition of the serum changed, or at least get an inoculation for it, so that Jeanine's attack fails, but Cara said she couldn't do anything about it. She said that the only way to stop the attack is by deactivating the drive that issues the instructions."

"That's bad." Tobias frowns. "It knocks off one option from our hands. So we have to see how we can stop the drive from working."

"I don't think we can lay our hands on it early; it's bound to be confidential."

"Yes," Tobias nods. "I have been keeping tabs on Max whenever I can, and there isn't anything of the sort among his belongings yet. But then, I guess Jeanine will provide it only once the serum is ready."

I purse my lips. Discussing the situation brings to light just how complicated and monumental a task I have at hand; it won't take much for things to go the same way they had the first time, or worse.

"The first thing we could do is warn the Abnegation," I say. "If they know about the attack and secure themselves in their houses, the Dauntless won't be able to hurt them."

Surprising me, Tobias' face morphs into a scowl; he looks away from me.

"Tobias?" I ask tentatively. "Tobias, what is it?"

"Nothing," he says, but he doesn't meet my eyes.

I sigh. "I am not going to force you to tell me if you don't want to, but please don't lie to me and say it's nothing."

"I had thought of that earlier," he admits, his voice low. "I — went to see my mother some days ago and told her about it. She... knows what is about to happen. And she doesn't want to do anything about it, or me to do anything about it either. I have thought of telling Marcus, but —"

I understand why he trails away; Abnegation has never been a home to him in a true sense. It was a place he had wanted to escape from. All Abnegation stands for to him and Evelyn is Marcus. Why would anyone want people like him to live? Even I had wished his death. I wonder if he had warned Marcus, the first time around. He must have, which was why Marcus seemed so calm, so prepared, through everything. It must have been so difficult for Tobias.

"You don't have to," I tell him. "I will go see my parents and warn them, maybe tomorrow."

He nods. "That's good. And now we need to think about getting the hard drive."

"You tell me," I say. "You are the one who's the expert with computers."

Tobias presses his fingers together, resting his chin on them thoughtfully. "I think I can stop the program from running once I see it," he says. "The main problem will be getting to the Control Room without being seen."

We sink into silence, thinking. I am hopeless at this part; I am relying on Tobias to suggest something. All I can think of is what I did last time, and direct confrontation is not going to be the desired course of action.

"I have an idea." I look up to see his eyes gleaming with interest. "I can't guarantee that this will work, and I'll have to ask Zeke for help, but it might just increase our chances." I look askance at him.

"We could modify the cameras so that they show a loop of images from a short while before. So to anyone looking at the footages, which someone definitely will be, no one walked into the Control Room."

"Wow," I grin at him. "That's brilliant, Tobias!"

"It's only an idea," he says modestly, "but I'm confident that I can manage it with Zeke. He is a pro at pranking, especially where digital stuff is concerned." His smile slips off. "But we can't use that tactic for a long time, because Jeanine will surely be in correspondence with the Dauntless leaders, so our plan might be noticed."

"It's still good enough," I say with a smile. "Anything is better than nothing, and I think this is a great plan."

We look at each other for a long moment, and staring into his deep blue eyes, I know we are thinking the same thing.

"We should think up a plan B," I say, deciding to be the first to voice the thought. We can't rely on a single idea, with so many uncertainties too, as the only solution to curb a threat which may wipe out an entire faction.

"We should." He nods. "Think of something?"

I lower my gaze, frowning at his blue quilt as I think. To find a way to counter Jeanine, I have to think like her, figure out what she might do. And given the number of times I have suffered because of her, it isn't too difficult.

"If the person trying to get the hard drive, you or me that is, is caught," I say slowly, "we'll be surely taken to Jeanine. And if it is you, Jeanine will try to get you on her side. That you are amazing with computers is no secret to her."

Tobias opens his mouth to speak, his eyes wide with horrified realization. I nod. "She'll give you the other serum."

"If she dares —" Tobias growls, looking murderous.

"No, you must let her!"

Tobias stops short. "What?"

"I've talked to Cara, and she is trying to prepare a serum to provide inoculation against Jeanine's experimental serum. If she is successful, you could take the serum. And when Jeanine injects you with her serum, all you have to do is pretend to be affected, and you will have open access to the Control Room. The last time around, there was no one in the Control Room other than you when I went there. You won't be watched."

Tobias frowns. "I... don't like this."

"It's the best way out," I say. "And it is a backup plan. I am hoping we won't need to follow it."

He sighs. "Yes, I hope so too."

"Okay, so anything else?"

"Not that I can think of," Tobias says, shaking his head. "You keep in touch with Cara and get things done at the earliest possible time. I'm going to keep up with my spying on Max and Jeanine and see if I can do anything useful."

"Be careful, Tobias," I can't stop myself from saying worriedly, even though I know that he can do this just fine. "If you get caught..."

"Don't worry, I'll be fine," he assures me with a smile, but the tightening at the corners of his eyes say that the worry has been bothering him, too."

"I should get going, then," I say, standing up. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He smiles, kissing me as I reach the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you," I tell him, smiling at him one last time before I shut the door after me. And then I begin my lonely walk to bed.

-o0o-

Our simulations for the day do not start until over an hour after breakfast, so I decide the next day that it would be better to take this time to visit my parents. Breakfast in Dauntless is a rowdy affair, although the same can be said for almost everything here, so I use the chaos as a cover for sneaking out of the Dauntless quarters. I decide to skip breakfast; I am not very hungry anyway.

The pale sunlight falls on me as I hurry towards the track, leaving the noise and chatter of my faction behind. Even as I draw my jacket closer to me, I am reminded of a similar journey in my past life — when I had run off to see Caleb after slapping Tobias. I'm going to see my family too this time, only instead of visiting the enemy faction, I am going to the faction which was my home. I have decided to wear the most modest Dauntless clothes I have — ensuring that my trousers cover my legs well, and a jacket covering my body — not because I want to please my parents, particularly Dad, because I know the truth about Mom, by pretending to be someone I no longer am, but simply because I wouldn't like to start off on the wrong note with them. Once I climb onto the train, I braid my hair up, and wait for the familiar gray of Abnegation to show up in the distance.

The walk down the lanes of Abnegation feels something like a waking nightmare. The last time I had something to do with this place, I saw the gray stones stained with red. I saw the synchronized marching of a sea of black, the killing of innocents. And then, I walked away from it a second time, choosing burning coals over gray stones. _To save them,_ I tell myself like I always do when I begin to doubt myself. _I did what was right_. Because choosing Dauntless is one of the few decisions I've made that I'm sure are right. But the gray houses seem to look upon me with a cold, accusatory gaze as I walk towards them. My spine tingles. But I force myself to keep my composure and walk on.

I feel uncharacteristically nervous as I stand facing the door to my parents' house. I am not worried about my mother, I know she will understand. But my father... I don't know. I take a deep breath and rap my knuckles against the wood.

Dad opens the door. He looks the same as he did when I last saw him at the Hub — I don't know why I was expecting anything different, really. His eyes widen as he registers what he is seeing. His jaw slackens.

"Beatrice!" he exclaims. "What are you doing here? It isn't Visiting Day, and you are not supposed to —"

"Things are not very normal anymore, Dad," I interrupt quickly in a quiet voice, my smile wry; his voice is so loud that the neighbor might easily hear. "It's important. May I come in?"

He nods, holding the door open and lets me slip past. The living cum dining room brings memories. I move over to stand awkwardly by with the table where, only weeks ago, my father had stroked my hair so lovingly. The door shuts, and I feel the eyes of the same man on me, roving over me with a judgmental look. I look up to meet his gaze, only to find it stuck on my tattoos. He is looking at me like he is seeing a stranger, or something even worse, and not his daughter.

"I —" I start to say, eager to finish this business quickly; the air in the room is so thick with tension you could cut it with a knife. Thankfully, my mother selects that moment to drop in and save me from the awkwardness.

"Andrew, who is — Beatrice?" Her usual mask of tranquility has been broken through by shock and incredulity. In a few quick strides, she has crossed the distance between us and has her arms around me. She smells like freshly baked bread. I look past her braided hair to Dad, who is staring at us unfeelingly.

"What are you doing here?" she asks me in a hushed tone, holding me at arm's length. "Is anything wrong?"

"No — I mean yes — I — uh, I'd better explain." I shift my weight from one foot to another, trying to ignore my father, but my eyes just keep drifting back to him. Mom catches the tension between us.

"Andrew," she says quietly, looking at Dad.

"Well, sit down," Dad says a little gruffly, clearing his throat. "You'd better make it quick; I'm sure your faction won't like you being here, and we haven't all day either."

I flinch.

"Andrew!" my mother admonishes. But Dad ignores her.

"Well?" he says, sitting down on the chair across from me.

"I — came to warn you," I say, trying to keep my composure by looking mostly at my mother. "The Erudite are going to attack the Abnegation. You need to protect yourself, or the whole faction will be destroyed."

The colour drains from both their faces.

"Not a big surprise," Dad mutters.

"You... the Abnegation leaders, are going to release a video," I say, treading uncertain grounds. My father's jaw drops.

"How do you know this?" he says, his voice a harsh whisper. "It is supposed to be a top secret."

"It doesn't matter now," I murmur. Dad opens his mouth to speak. "You can't release it, Dad. That's one of the reasons Jeanine's going to attack you. Please don't. Now's not the right time."

"If you think _you_ know what's the right time for important matters like this —" Dad looks furious.

"They'll keep your point in mind," Mom cuts in, her tone holding utter finality. "Go on, Beatrice."

"Yeah, right," I regains my bearings. "The attack will take place on Initiation Day. You must warn all the other people... lock your doors in the most secure way you can so that the soldiers can't get in."

"That's very well, Beatrice, and thank you for your warning," Mom says gently, "but you see, there's a problem."

I blink. "What?"

"The Abnegation cannot secure themselves. We have no locks. The doors are never locked, did you forget?"

I stare at her blankly for I don't know how long. "No locks?" I echo. Laughter bubbles up from inside me, hysterical, and I force myself to suppress it. Of course there are no locks. Why did I not think about it before? Locking your door is considered against the sacrificing ways of Abnegation. I remember asking Dad why the main door was never locked, one day when I was very young. "It is selfish, Beatrice," he had told me. "Locking your door means barring anyone in need of assistance from what you can offer, it means locking them out, and yourself in. It means you are keeping God out."

Never had I thought that of all the problems I would face, ' _no locks_ ' would be one.

"Very well," I hear myself say, "I'll see what I can do. Please warn the others, and be very careful."

My mother nods. I move towards the door. I look at my father, who has risen from his seat.

"Dad, please, be careful," I tell him, my voice and my eyes both pleading. "I —" I don't know what else to say. I want to, but I don't know how to.

He nods stiffly. His look contains no more hostility, just a neutral expression, which I had seen on him when I was planning about getting to Dauntless, in my previous life. It means either that he has forgiven me, or that he no longer considers me his daughter. The latter option seems very likely, even more so than last time.

"Beatrice." My mother hugs me one last time. "How are you? I never asked."

"I am fine, Mom, thank you." I smile at her. "Be very careful."

"We will do our best," she says, with her own smile. "Stay safe." And bringing her mouth very close to my ear, so that her words are for me and me alone, she whispers, "Be brave, Beatrice."

My eyes fill with tears. I offer her a watery smile.

"I am sorry about your father's conduct," she murmurs, "but I promise you he will come around."

"It's okay," I whisper, and then out loud: "Thank you for giving me your time."

With one last look at my parents' faces, I step out of their house, _my_ house. As I glimpse the familiar settings one last time, my mind fills with memories. Caleb cooking the chicken while I defrosted the peas, our easy conversation, Mom and Dad holding hands at the table, the atmosphere of quiet and calm. A simple life. But also one full of lies. We all had secrets. Mom did, Dad did, as did Caleb and I. How did we never figure each other out? Was it because of the restrictions set on the way we interacted? Was that life better than what I am living now — would gray clothes have befitted me more instead of black? No, they wouldn't have. Abnegation was something I something I never was, never would be. And anyway, I am not in a position to guess right now.

I begin walking towards the train tracks, quickly checking the time on my gray watch. Breakfast has long been over, but I don't think I'll be late for the simulations. I have enough time.

I kick the gravel on the ground. New plans, new complications. Will I ever be able to solve this?

Even as I begin to look up from the ground, I collide heavily with someone else's. Unprepared, I fall to the ground, wincing.

"Well, well, isn't this the little Stiff?"

I look up, only to freeze, caught by a face that has far too many piercings. The holes on the lip for the rings stretch wider as he smiles, and his eyes glitter as they gaze on me like a predator.

Eric.

* * *

 **Ding ding ding!**


	15. Anticipation

**New chapter's up! This took me a little longer to write than usual, I have plenty of excuses — I had an exam, my phone (where I write) crashed, but whatever. As a bonus, I've put up the second chapter of Puzzle Pieces extra soon (which is this story from Tobias' POV)... Just for you guys. And as usual, thank you so much for all the love and support.**

 **Also, a huge thanks to Eunice399 for suggesting Tris' latest fear (you'll have a greater description of it up next in the next chapter or so). Love you lots.**

 **On with it, then!**

* * *

For seconds I am frozen, my brain short-circuited from the shock. Then I hurriedly scramble back, trying to get away from him as fast as possible while simultaneously trying to get my butt off the ground. Eric's grin widens, and he grabs my hand.

"I thought it might be pretty entertaining to check where you were off to when I saw you slinking off at breakfast," he says, his dark eyes strangely reminding me of the crows in my simulation, "and it looks like I was right! Do we have a faction traitor here, initiate?"

"I — no — I—" At Eric's words, my mind finally starts working again. Adrenaline charges through my body. I twist my wrist in his grip, and when he doesn't relent immediately, stamp heavily on his foot. Eric lets out a startled yelp, and his hold on me slackens. I take this opportunity to dash in the opposite direction.

"You can't run away from me, Tris!" he calls. "Your weak little Stiff body isn't enough!"

I don't want to think about it, but I know that he is right. I can't outrun him; he is bulkier than me, but he's had more training. It is only a matter of time before my breath gives up on me. I take a quick turn and find myself facing nothing but gray buildings on both sides of the road. Nowhere I can hide. What do I do? Oh, what do I do? Panic seizes me, blocking my thoughts. I can hear Eric's footsteps coming closer. Unthinkingly, I run towards the buildings. I can't have him catch me, whatever happens. He might take me to Jeanine. The game will be up.

As I pause momentarily to catch my breath, someone grabs me and drags me into the narrow space between two houses. I try to scream, but a hand presses to my mouth. I elbow the person with all the force I can muster. There is a grunt of pain.

"Hush, Tris," there is an urgent whisper in my ear, the warm breath tickling me. "It's me."

I sag immediately, relaxing into the person's hold. It's Tobias.

We both stiffen, wrapped up together in the close space, as we hear Eric's footsteps. I forget to breathe.

Closer, closer and closer. Right in front of us. I get a glimpse of the black jacket and the gelled back hair before it disappears from sight. The footsteps gradually fade into the distance.

"You can't hide, forever, Tris!" Eric calls out from afar. "You'll have to come back home eventually, you know." He is right. But I will handle that when the moment comes.

The minutes pass in tense silence until we hear the train horn in the distance. I relax as the sound of the train fades away, and behind me, I feel Tobias do the same, although to a much lesser extent. Eric must be gone.

We stand so close together as the moments draw by. His closeness is like a calming balm for me; it soothes my frayed nerves even as the adrenaline drains from my veins. It is only when I feel the erratic breaths he is taking and the way his heartbeat is too fast that I realize that he is not at all comfortable here. Oh. Closed spaces. He is claustrophobic. I hurriedly squeeze myself out of the cramped space, allowing him space to relax a little. I watch as he takes a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry for hitting you then," I say. "I panicked and —"

"It's completely fine," he says with a faint smile; he is still steadying himself. "I would have been very disappointed if you had just let someone kidnap you without a struggle."

"Thank you for turning up on time," I add sincerely as he slowly leads me towards the train tracks. He nods and smiles a little, but says nothing.

"How come you are here, by the way?" I ask curiously.

"I saw you leave at breakfast, and when I saw Eric staring at you, I guessed that he might follow you. Since I wasn't able to warn you in time, I thought I might be needed in the scene."

I nod, looking down. "So much for leaving inconspicuously," I mumble. "The entire faction might just have noticed me leaving."

He gives a short bark of laughter. "Only those who would care enough to notice," he consoles me, placing his arm around my shoulder.

"How did it go?" he asks once we have boarded the train and are sitting down by the door. I grimace.

"Not well, then," he concludes.

"My father wasn't happy about me leaving Abnegation," I say. "And it seems that he still hasn't forgiven me. I did warn them about the attack... but I think I should have tried to explain more... It should have gone better. It was so awkward, short and clipped, I just didn't know what to say!" I sigh. "I don't know what's wrong with me — I have been so thoughtless and impulsive these days. What is wrong with me, Tobias? I should know better than to do whatever I feel like without thinking, and losing my temper, but that is exactly what I have been doing. I am messing everything up! What can I do?"

"Firstly, you are _not_ messing everything up." Tobias pulls me closer to him. "You have already done quite a lot in your situation, from what I know. You saved Edward. You have done a great deal of planning on stopping the Erudite attack, and if this works, it will be an amazing development."

I shake my head. "It's not enough," I mumble.

"Maybe not. But it is too early to say." Tobias rests his hand gently on my shoulder. "And you know what? The bravest thing you have done is choosing to come back and trying to change it all. Choosing death would have been the easiest and simplest way out, but you didn't take it. And that makes all the difference you need, Tris."

I rest my head against his chest, smiling. "You really know how to make me feel better."

He buries his face in my hair. I can feel him smiling.

"And if you want to know what you _can_ do, I think you know the answer yourself. You can stop pulling yourself down with all that guilt and thoughts about failing. And you should stop and think for a moment before jumping into things. Deliberation is necessary, and impulsiveness is integral to your character." He runs his fingers down my arm, and I feel a tremor run through me. "I am not saying that it is going to be easy, it's not. But you can do it. You are strong."

"Yes, sir," I reply with a grin; I often forget that over whatever we are, he is also my instructor. I push myself up to kiss him on the cheeks. "Thank you."

"For what?" he asks with an amused smile.

"For trusting that I am strong."

He leans back against the wall thoughtfully. "Tris, my first instinct when I see you is to push you to breaking point, just to see you wake up to the fullest. That should tell you enough."

I smile back. Yes, it does, as does every other moment we have spent together, whether he knows it or not.

"So your parents agreed to secure themselves?" Tobias asks after a few moments of silence. I grimace.

"I didn't tell you about it, did I? They can't. The Abnegation have no security provisions."

For a few long seconds, his expression is a perfect representation of the shock I had felt when I got this news in my house. Then he lets his forehead collide with his palm.

"No security provisions," he says through gritted teeth. "Of course. Isn't that just fantastic?" He looks at me. "What are we going to do?"

I think a little. "I could ask Cara," I decide. "If she agrees to help, it's the best option we can get. The Erudite have the best technology in all the city." I pull out the watch which Cara gave me from my pocket; I have been carrying it around since we saw each other. I shift the dial as she had instructed me to, revealing the holographic screen. I look at Tobias to see him looking at me with an amazed expression.

"Where did you get that from?" he asks.

"Cara," I explain simply. "Erudite make."

"Can I have a look?"

I nod and hand the watch over to him. It amuses me to see the awed look on his face as he turns it over in his hand, and shifts the dial to bring out the screen and back again.

"It's incredible," he says, returning it to me. "We have to give them that — the Erudite are geniuses."

"That's what they are known for," I grin, before typing out a message using the virtual keyboard present on the screen.

 _Need your help. How's it going with the serum? Contact as soon as you can._

There, that should do it. Now we have to wait.

"You think she will help?" Tobias asks me.

"I can only hope so," I reply with a sigh. "I can't think of any other way we can get the stuff we need."

He frowns. "My mother could get her hands on something, I am sure. The factionless are resourceful; they conduct frequent raids on the factions. But there is no way she is going to do anything that will help Abnegation."

I just nod. That's the irrefutable truth.

The train rushes on, the scenes almost blurring together as we pass by them. Strands of my hair slip out from my braid, streaming out in the cool, cutting wind.

I look at Tobias. He looks lost in thought, staring off at the distance, his knees drawn close to his chest. I could get lost in the beautiful blue of his eyes; I could drown in them if I stare into them long enough, and forget everything else. I still have a hard time believing that this man, this amazing individual, chose _me._ What did I ever do to get so lucky?

He must feel me staring at him, because he blinks and turns to look at me. His lips curl up in a smile that makes my heart stumble.

"What?" he murmurs.

"Nothing." I shake my head, blushing. _I just love you. So much._ My feelings for him just seem to intensify with every passing day, to an extent I once would have thought was impossible. What if I lose him? What if he leaves me? I pinch my eyes shut. I don't need to think about it now.

I look at him, smiling as I feel a little rebellious.

"There's something I have been wanting to do with you for a while."

He quirks his eyebrow. "Yeah? And what might that be?" His lips tug upwards at the corner, and his eyes dance with a mischievous light, as if offering ideas about all the _other_ things he might like to do with me. It's difficult not to shiver under his piercing stare.

"Trust me?" I ask. Appearing a little puzzled, he nods. I walk over to the door of the carriage and grab hold of the handle with my left hand, extending my right one to him. His eyes light up as he realizes what I want, and he steps forward, extending his warm, calloused hand, but instead of holding my hand, grips my waist. Heat rushes to my cheeks, and I reciprocate the gesture. It _is_ a better position, the doorway not being too wide. He grabs the other handle with his free hand.

I grin at him and nod, and together we lean out, our feet planted on the floor as the wind whips through our hair. I laugh at the passing scenery, and he does too. I feel so carefree like this, like I am floating in air with him, and the world consists of just us.

"I've been thinking of this ever since we went out to the fence!" I call out to him.

"I love your thinking!" he replies, his voice laced with laughter. I turn my head to stare at him even as he does the same, and it's such a delightful feeling, losing myself in his delighted blue eyes and in the warmth of his hand on me. He looks so young like this, more handsome than ever, his hair brushing his forehead.

"Do _you_ trust me?" Tobias says after a while.

"You know I do," I reply with a smile.

"Okay, then." His eyes glint dangerously with what appears like a rare moment of Dauntless mania, and without warning, he jerks me to the side. Unprepared, I scream as my grip over the door handle slips off. But then, all in a moment, Tobias has swung me so that I am pressed to his chest. I wrap my arms round his neck even as his free hand encircles my waist more tightly, holding me securely against him. I laugh as my momentary panic ebbs, and he laughs too, dipping his head to kiss me.

"You, Mr Eaton, sure know how to charm a woman," I tell him, my voice full of all the love and delight which is filling me to the brim.

"There is only one woman I want to charm, Miss Prior," he whispers, his breath warm against my face and his dark eyes threatening to swallow me whole. "Glad to know that it's working on her." And he brings his lips down on me again. If I could have made my own personal heaven, I would have it just like this — the wind whistling around us, adrenaline in my veins, and Tobias' hands, and Tobias' lips, and Tobias, all just there for me.

I wish this moment could be my forever.

-o0o-

We jump off as the train slows down near the Dauntless compound.

"There are still ten minutes to when the simulations are supposed to begin," Tobias says, looking at his watch. "I don't think my absence will be noticed." He looks at me. "I'll go first; you start walking after a minute or so, once I am out of sight."

I nod, allowing Tobias to move ahead. I know it's important that we aren't seen together, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Once Tobias has disappeared from view, I take slow steps towards the headquarters. I manage to enter the glass building without encountering anyone, but as I begin to walk down the rock cut path leading to the Pit, I hear footsteps behind me.

"There you are! I was wondering if you would hide away with your Stiff community the whole day." I turn around to see Eric striding towards me purposefully. The tone of his words seem as jovial as if he were a favorite uncle, but the tightening of his jaw and the gleam in his eyes betray his anger and malice. My first instinct is to punch him in the face and make a run for it, but I stand in place. I need to get this conversation done with; I can't evade him forever. I was just hoping I wouldn't have to face him so soon.

Eric grabs hold of my arm. "Now, Tris," he says with a dangerous smile, "I think we are due for a little chat."

He drags me into a room in the glass building. With some surprise, I recognize it as the same room where he had interrogated me the first time around after I visited Caleb.

"So," Eric looks at me keenly, "you do realize that I could make you factionless for your association with your former faction? I think I made it very clear on the very first day that we take 'faction before blood' very seriously here."

I am tempted to answer with a loud and defiant yes, and more, but I know that it will amount to nothing but foolishness. _Think before you act_ , Tobias had told me. I need to think. I have to play on my weakness, using the fact that people are fooled by my small size to my advantage. So I lower my head and mumble, "I — yes."

"Were you unsatisfied with the life you have found here? Do you perhaps regret your choice?" Eric's voice his deadly quiet, all his false humor drained away to give way to a frown; his eyebrows, adorned with metal rings, crease over. "Did you regret your choice of becoming a Dauntless? I would like to hear an explanation for why you betrayed Dauntless, yourself, and _me—"_ he taps his chest, "by venturing into a faction you were supposed to have left behind. What did you think when you joined Dauntless, that you will be allowed to waltz off home whenever you want?"

I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from retorting.

"I..." I decide to take a leaf from my book of experience. "I... I was so embarrassed and I didn't know what to do." I pinch myself hard enough to bring tears to my eyes, and hold myself such that I seem small and vulnerable. "I tried to... to..."

"To what?" Eric asks impatiently.

"To kiss _him,_ " I whisper, trying my best to look silly and mortified. I actually feel like laughing, and it is only the gravity of the situation and the thought of the possible consequences of Eric's finding out the truth that keep me on track. "But he..."

"Him? Who?"

Fortunately, Tobias selects that moment to enter the room. I raise a shaking finger towards him, and look at the floor.

"Him," I whisper.

Eric bursts out laughing. "Isn't he a little too old for you, Tris?" he says, smiling again.

Tobias looks askance at me.

"So, Four," Eric addresses Tobias, "is it true that you are being ambushed for kisses by initiates?"

Tobias' eyes are confused for a split second, before he catches up.

"Are you talking about her?" He jerks his chin at me dismissively, looking perfectly cool and detached. "Yes, she tried to kiss me at breakfast. And I rejected her, and she went running off like a five-year-old. There's really nothing to blame her for but stupidity."

"She seemed hurt enough to run off to her mommy," Eric says, smirking. "You shouldn't break little girls' hearts like that."

"Is that so?" Tobias looks at me scornfully, and I actually feel insecure for a moment, his act is so convincing. "God, Stiff, you are even stupider than I thought."

I look down and sniffle, wiping my cheek like I'm wiping a tear. "Can I go now?"

"Fine," Eric says, "but you are not allowed to leave the compound without supervision again, you hear me?" He turns toward Tobias. "And _you..._ had better make sure none of the transfers leave this compound again. And that none of the others try to kiss you."

Tobias rolls his eyes. "Fine."

I walk out of the room and climb down the path to the Pit. As I walk towards the simulation room, I see Tobias standing near the wall.

"That was a very good ploy," he says, taking my face between his hands. "Eric doesn't seem to have suspected anything."

"The idea's yours, actually," I say, smiling. "I just borrowed it in time of need." He looks confused for a moment, before nodding in comprehension.

"Do you think I am too old for you?" he asks a little uncertainly as we walk towards our destination.

"Two years isn't an unsurmountable gap." I grin, repeating the words which he had once said to me.

He laughs. "I agree completely."

-o0o-

I scan the surroundings of the dining hall, looking for Christina, Will and Al. I spent much of the few hours I had after the simulation today thinking alone, detached. Suddenly, I hear a small beeping sound from my pocket.

By the time I have pulled the source of the sound out, it's already gone quiet — the watch that Cara gave me. I scurry over to a corner and surreptitiously shift the dial. There is a message from Cara.

 _What do you need? Working on the serum, not yet successful. Hoping to perfect it soon._

I quickly type the reply:

 _Security provisions — locks. The Abnegation have no such facilities; they cannot lock themselves in during the attack._

Surprisingly, the answer comes almost immediately.

 _WHAT? I mean — honestly —_ I can picture Cara's exasperation and anger; it draws a wry smile onto my lips. _Damn these Stiffs! Why should I help them?_

 _Why should I not kill your brother?_ I hate myself for having to take this tone, but I need her to work with me.

 _I hate you, you know. Sometimes I wonder if you even have a heart_.

 _As if you have the right to talk about that. How kind are you?_ I send the retort.

 _Ugh, shut up, Stiff. I'll see what I can do. See me on the day after tomorrow, unless I alert you otherwise._

 _Okay_ , I type. _Thank you._ There is no further response from the other side, effectively indicating the end of this conversation, so I push the dial back in place and start walking, about to push the watch into my pocket again, when it is suddenly snatched away from me.

"Hey!" I stretch up to snatch it back, but the hand holds the watch high above my reach.

"Look at that! The Stiff's got something nice. How is that, Tris? Aren't Stiffs supposed to be _selfless_?" Peter says. Molly and Drew, standing behind him, laugh. I hate their laughs — Drew does it in small bursts, looking almost as if he is in pain, and Molly snorts, sounding like a pig.

"Where did you get that from, Stiff? Did you get someone who took pity on you, or did you steal?" Molly comments through her snorting laughter. "This thing is too pretty to be yours."

"Give it — back!" I leap a little, but still can't get it. Peter is over a foot taller than me.

"Take it," Peter taunts. "Oh, I forgot, you are too short!" They cackle again.

"You wouldn't like me to break something again, would you?" I threaten.

"Ooh, I am terrified!"

Someone plucks the watch out of Peter's hand. "I think she asked you to give it back." I look around to see Uriah standing with an easygoing smile, but his brown eyes are hard. "It seemed a simple enough demand," he says pleasantly, "It shouldn't be difficult for you to understand, unless you are deaf."

"Go pick someone your own size, transfer," Lynn snaps, standing at Uriah's side. "Why don't you fight us?"

"Mind your own business," Peter says sullenly. The grins have been wiped out from the trio's faces.

"You should mind yours first," Marlene adds, smirking, her arm slung casually around Uriah's. Peter scowls, but recognizing a losing battle, he stalks off. Molly and Drew follow, glaring at me.

"Here," Uriah hands me the watch. "Nasty pieces of work, those three."

"Cowards," Lynn adds. "How do you keep up with them?" I just shrug.

"Thank you," I smile at them.

Uriah grins back. "No problem. That's what friends are for." I feel a warm feeling through my body as he says the words. Friends. It's good to think that they care about me too.

"Isn't that an Erudite make?" Marlene asks curiously. "It's got too much blue in it."

"Yeah, I — Caleb gave it to me," I cover up hurriedly.

"Your brother?"

"That's him. Transferred to Erudite."

"Huh. Bloody noses," Lynn mutters.

"We'd be going now," Uriah says. "Game of dare at the dorm. You want to come?"

"No, I was just trying to find Will and Christina. But thanks for your offer." I smile.

"All right, then. See ya!" They wave and walk away. I smile at them until they disappear from view.

Sometimes I wonder just what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life.

-o0o-

I resurface from the simulation with a gasp. I did manage to lower my heart rate and breathing long enough to escape the simulation, but now my heart is once again hammering in my ribcage. I can feel Tobias' eyes on me.

"I know the simulation isn't real," I say, looking at him.

"You don't have to explain it to me," he replies. "I know it is difficult for you."

Today's simulation revealed a new fear. In the last two days, the program, seemingly having understood that the fear of failing and the fear of having to murder my parents or watching Tobias die affected me the most, had put up those two fears in repetition. It was difficult, so difficult to get out of the hallucinations and to get out of the nightmares that the visions left behind. I am more than glad to have the second stage end.

Today, I had to watch as Chicago burned. There were bodies everywhere, reminiscent of Amanda Ritter's video, and guns. The sky was blood-red, the the streets broken and buildings collapsing. Jeanine's voice echoed in my ears, crying for the end of Divergents, while David's voice whispered the downfall of the genetically damaged. The world as I knew it, the city that was my home and which I wanted to see whole and new, had been destroyed completely before my eyes. I woke up with dry eyes, but my heart felt ripped apart.

"Your collection of fears is like nothing I have ever seen," Tobias says, helping me out of my chair. "You could have had any fear, but you see your loved ones dying, your city burning away. And yet you say that you are not selfless, that you are not brave."

I look at his half smile and the emotions swimming in his eyes, and look down shyly.

"You make too much of it," I murmur. "My fears changed because I am from the future."

"And you are from the future because you were selfless enough to come back."

"No, I was selfish. Selfish because I couldn't bear to get away from you."

He sighs. "Tris..." His lips brush against mine tenderly. "I can still continue with this argument, but I won't, for now."

"Good," I whisper, "because I am sure your lips can be put to better use."

He laughs, obligingly crashing his full, soft lips to mine. "You are such a tease," he murmurs against my lips.

"But you love it."

"Of course," he grins. "What's not to love?"

I walk out of the room and down the hallway, the warm feeling of delight pooling in my belly fading away rapidly in Tobias' absence. I walk down the hallway to reach the dormitory. The initiates are all crowded around the chalkboard. Eric is standing near it, scribbling out names. I feel my stomach twist uncomfortably as I stand next to Will. I know what this is — rankings for stage two.

I don't ask any questions, opting to stand quietly and watch. It is not my ranking that I am worried about; I am fairly sure that I will be first, and even if I am not, whatever position I get is fine for me. It is the hostility, and the unpleasant events which are about to come, which bother me. I don't want to deal with them any more. First stage results were bad enough.

Sure enough, when Eric moves away from the board, my name is in the first slot. The timing is two minutes fifteen seconds. Half a minute less than last time. Peter, whose name is after me, has an average timing of eight minutes.

The room is completely silent. Eric's eyes bore into me; I refuse to look at him. Thankfully, he leaves without a word.

I don't know what to do, how to react. I had been so busy working on stopping the upcoming attack, that I had forgotten the consequences of my success. I don't feel pleased with myself. Just tense.

Peter pushes me hard, knocking my head against the wall.

"I will not be outranked by a Stiff," he hisses. "How did you do it, huh? How the hell did you do it?"

I kick him in the shin, pushing him back. "Don't touch me!"

He backs away, a look of pure hatred in his eyes.

"You lot," he addresses Will, Christina and Al. "Are you blind, or just stupid? She's going to edge you out of the rankings and out of Dauntless, and you're going to get nothing, all because she knows how to manipulate people and you don't. So when you realize that she's out to ruin us all, you let me know." And he storms out of the dormitory, Molly and Drew in tow.

"Is he right?" Will asks quietly. "Are you trying to manipulate us?"

I look at him with a forcefully neutral expression. "What do you think, Will? If I was trying to manipulate you, why did I hang above the Chasm with Christina? Why did I take the knives for Al? I'm sure I could have successfully manipulated you without risking my neck that much, if I had wanted to."

My tone throws him off a bit; he falters.

"Don't be stupid, Will," Christina says, hopping down from her bunk. "She was already just behind Peter, she just got ahead a rank. That's not an unusual thing. Besides, we have doubted her enough for a lifetime."

I give her a grateful smile, to which she returns a sympathetic look, but I can see the dejection in her eyes. It doesn't make me feel better. Will and Christina leave the dorm. I let them go, not because I want them to, but because I know that they would not enjoy my company at the moment.

And so I am left alone with Al. I look at him, uncomfortable. He doesn't look at me. He will be factionless soon, unless... the image of Al's big body, pushed around, not fitting in the small bag they brought, flits across my mind. No, I don't want to think about it.

"Al..." I begin, not knowing what to say, unsure if I should say anything at all. Talking to him has just been getting harder and harder. "This isn't over yet. You can still —"

He looks up at me. "Still what, Tris?" His eyes are filled with tears.

"I—" I can't formulate a response.

"See, it's not that simple," he says. "It's not easy for me, even if it's easy for you. It's all easy for you."

"No, I —"

"I just..." His tears spill, "...want to be alone."

I nod, helpless, and walk out of the dorm. I take the familiar route to the little hallway which I like to think is mine, where I talked to Tobias the day I saved Edward, the same hallway I had sat in after this same incident in my past life. I lean against the wall.

"Tris!" I look up to see Uriah, Lynn and Marlene at the other end of the hallway. Lynn is holding a muffin. "Thought I would find you here," Uriah says, jogging up to me. "I heard you got ranked first."

"So you just wanted to congratulate me?" I grin at him, remembering just what is about to happen. These Dauntless are crazy, but I love them this way. "Well, thanks."

"Someone should," he says. "And I figured your friends might not be so congratulatory, since their ranks aren't as high. So quit moping and come with us."

"Let me guess," I grin, "You are shooting a muffin off Marlene's head?"

"You guessed right!" He laughs, eyes wide. "How'd you do that?"

"Marlene, a muffin and you are involved. Only you would be as crazy, Uriah."

"Well, come on, then. Let's go."

The muffin shooting improves my mood considerably, and I am laughing heartily as Marlene nibbles on her muffin, when the door opens. Tobias, Zeke and Shauna walk in.

"I thought I heard something in here," Tobias says.

"Turns out it's my idiot brother," says Zeke. "You're not supposed to be in here after hours. Careful, or Four will tell Eric, and then you'll be as good as scalped."

"You wouldn't tell Eric," Lynn says suspiciously.

"No, I wouldn't," Tobias says. Everyone else files out of the room before me, until it's just Tobias and me. I wonder what I am supposed to do, if holding back would be overstaying my welcome.

"Wait a second," Tobias says quietly. I turn back with a smile.

"I was hoping you'd say that."

He shuts the door behind us.

"I hope you wouldn't be averse to staying around a little more."

"I was going to delay going to the dorm anyway," I say. "I don't want to face my fellow transfers now."

"You belong here, you know that?" he says thoughtfully. "It's going to be over soon, so just hold on, okay?"

"I know, Tobias," I say softly. "I wouldn't have made this choice again if I hadn't."

"Right," he says, frowning, "Sometimes I forget that you are not new to this. That we won't ever be on the same page." I find bitterness in his eyes.

"Oh, Tobias, I'm sorry! That wasn't how I meant it." I reach over to take his face in my hands. "I could never be better than you. Whatever the situation may be. We are always on the same page, always will be. I am sorry to have brought all this on you, but you know..."

"No, I am sorry," he sighs. "I wasn't thinking. It's just... sometimes it's a lot to take, you know? Knowing what is to come and worrying that if you can't change it..."

"I know," I murmur, pressing my forehead to his. "I am sorry; I never wanted to drag you into this mess."

He shakes his head. "I would never want you to be in this alone."

We sit there quietly for a while, sharing the same air, looking into each other's eyes.

"You up for some target practice?" he asks suddenly. "Let's see who is better at this."

I grin at him mischievously. "You're on."

Tobias loads the guns with real bullets this time instead of plastic. He hands me a gun.

"At three?" I nod.

"One, two, three!" We both shoot. Holes appear at the center of both of our targets. He grins and nods.

"You are good, Prior."

We shoot off several rounds. In the end, after ten shots, Tobias has managed to hit the center every time, while I missed by an inch twice.

"I won!" He laughs, childish delight in his eyes. "But you were amazing."

"What can I say?" I smile back. "My instructor is an amazing person."

As I walk back to the dormitory, my mood is significantly better; I have almost forgotten the jealousy and hostility which my fellow initiates evidently feel towards me. But as I climb onto my bed in the darkened room, I feel my mind swamped with doubt and worry. I know what will happen tonight, or if not tonight, soon — I beat Peter. I am in Edward's position now. I managed to prevent any harm from coming to Edward, but can I save myself? The very air of the dormitory seems dangerous, hostile tonight.

I have two choices, which I can see very clearly — I can repeat what I had the first time around, and put myself up as an open bait to Peter and co., but have the knowledge of what is to happen and and be mentally prepared. Or I could stay put in bed, and stay on edge, waiting for him to strike, unsure of what he might do. Who knows when he will attack, and how? He might as well smother me in bed with a pillow. But I know one thing for sure — this is Peter; he will stop only after he has had his revenge. And unlike Edward, there will be no one to look out for me. And I don't want anyone to, either. I want to be self-sufficient, strong.

I have put my knowledge of the upcoming events to use all this time; it is the only tool I have at hand, along with my experience. With this thought, I make my decision. I will take the former plan.

Every moment feels prolonged, the hour barely drawing by. I don't sleep; I wouldn't be able to if I tried. And finally, when I think it is long enough, I climb down from my bunk, my heart hammering, and walk out of the dormitory towards the drinking fountain.

My breath comes in shuddering gasps.

 _I can do this. I'll be okay. I am ready_.

* * *

 **You know what? I was so tempted to write that part like this—**

 **Tris: I am acting so thoughtlessly and impulsively. What is wrong with me?**

 **Tobias: Nothing's wrong with _you._ It's just that an amateur writer is messing with our lives, rewriting our world,, that's why everything is wrong.**

 **He he. Whatever.**

 **Until next time!**


	16. Repetition

**I managed this extra quick, just for you! Yay! As always, thank you for all your reviews, reads, favorites and follows. The Return has crossed 11000 views and 170 reviews, and you have no idea how much that means to me. It's this support that keeps me going. Thank you all so much!**

* * *

My feet drag as I walk towards the drinking fountain, reluctant to take even one step forward. My breathing is erratic; I whip my head around at every little sound. My bare feet make little squeaky noises against the cold, moist rock floor. I don't want to admit to myself how afraid I am. It's the anticipation, knowing what might happen to me any moment now.

 _Calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out. Focus._

A bulb glows blue over the drinking fountain. In my tensed up state, it looks eerie. I am not going to drink. I am not going to drop my guard.

I hear voices at the other end of the hallway. My eyes widen; it's Eric. And this time, I have no problem in identifying the other voice — it's Jeanine. When did she come to Dauntless? Did nobody notice her? Reflexively, I creep towards them. If I can catch what they are saying, maybe I will get a deeper insight of their plan.

"So far there haven't been any signs of it," I hear Eric say. The hair at the back of my neck prickles. They are talking about the Divergent.

"Well, you wouldn't have seen much of it yet," Jeanine replies. Her voice is so cold, emotionless; it's been so long since I heard it, it sends a chill down my spine now as I once again recall all that she is capable of. "Combat training shows you nothing. The simulations, however, reveal who the Divergent rebels are, if there are any, so we will have to examine the footage several times to be sure."

I don't take another step forward; I don't need to see them and I certainly have no wish to be seen. The way Jeanine speaks, like she isn't talking about eliminating a group of innocent people, makes me sick.

"Don't forget the reason I had Max appoint you," Jeanine continues. "Your first priority is always finding them. Always."

"I won't forget," Eric says firmly.

Cold disappointment runs through me; Jeanine didn't even mention the upcoming attack on Abnegation, let alone offer any confidential information that might help me. I wonder how much of a role Eric has in this. Perhaps he is largely restricted to hunting the Divergent, while Max plans with Jeanine about the attack. The two turn a corner, and their footsteps fade away in the distance. I take a step back, about to retreat to where I was.

Someone grabs me from behind.

 _No no no damn it damn it damn it!_

I dropped my guard. I forgot what I had come for in my hope of attaining more information. I just let myself be an open bait to them.

I start to scream and thrash, but a heavy hand clamps down on my mouth and arms wrap around me, restricting my movement. I kick the person as hard as I can, while simultaneously biting a finger of the hand covering my mouth. I can recognize the smell of the hand without difficulty this time, perhaps because I already know who it is. The smell of Dauntless soap, and lemongrass and sage. Al. My stomach feels like it is made of lead. My kick earns a string of curses from the person behind me — Drew, I realize, and the hand covering me shifts.

"Ow!" Al cries out, his voice rough.

"Damn you two, you are such useless lumps!" I hear Peter hiss near me. "Now shut up and keep her mouth covered." His voice, higher and clearer than most men, sends shivers of hatred and disgust down my spine.

The hand clamps down on me again, and I shake my head hard so that it has difficulty finding its target. I use my hands and legs to the fullest, hitting out in any and every direction. But even as I try my hardest, I know that this is useless; there is no way I can overcome three tall, well-built boys. Even at the peak of my physical fitness, three against one in physical combat is not a fight I can hope to win.

"Stop your squirming, Stiff!" Peter growls, and a fist collides heavily with my temple. I reel back, stunned. I am temporarily rendered dizzy, the fight going out of me.

"Hey! There's no need to —" Al begins; I hear his voice as if from over a layer of water. I see stars before my eyes; nothing much makes sense.

"Shut up, idiot, and hold her," Peter snaps. A dark piece of cloth covers my vision, a pair of hands tying it securely at the back of my head. The loss of vision snaps me out of my daze; I struggle again, but this time, I yield no results at all.

"Wonder what it sounds like when a Stiff begs for mercy," Peter says with a chuckle. "Hurry up." The other two push me forward. I resist at every step, even letting out a scream which is muffled by Al's large hand, but to no avail.

"The Stiff has some spunk," Drew comments, muttering curses under his breath as I manage to land another kick on him. "Better get this over with soon." One of his hands, which are gripping my arms and pushing me on, slip under my shirt, tracing whatever little curves I have.

"So skinny, Stiff," I can literally _hear_ his leer. "Bet no one would want to touch you. Or maybe there's some stuff underneath? Want me to check?"

I scream again, tossing my head back. To my satisfaction, it hits something hard, presumably Drew's nose. On the downside, I immediately feel a throb of pain in my skull. Drew reels back with a yelp.

"You little bitch!" he growls.

"Stop it!" Al growls. "Don't you dare touch her like that."

Peter laughs. "Feeling sorry for her? Or are you still nursing that little crush of yours?" Over his words, I hear a dull roar, growing closer and closer. We are nearing the Chasm. I am running out of time and opportunity. My breathing becomes laboured as panic rises in my heart. _Think_. I need to think. To plan something. Or my panic will drown me.

"Lift her up, c'mon," Peter says. My panic rises to a fever pitch. No more time. No time. But I won't die. I'll live until tomorrow. I will live to finish what I came for. _Think, think. Just think_.

Even as I am lifted off my feet, I open my mouth. A scream threatens to be my first response, but I swallow it back. "I know it's you, Al," I say scratchily. "And you, Drew and Peter." I have my extra knowledge as my only aid; I need to use it. Maybe I can scare them by the fact that I know.

It works for Al. I can feel his large hands, holding my legs, drop. He gasps.

"Sh-she knows," he whispers. "How — She — she —"

"She knows, so what?" Peter says dismissively. "All the more reason to finish her off."

I use the momentary distraction to my advantage. Regaining my footing when Al dropped me, I rip the blindfold from my eyes. The boys are immediately alerted of my action. Drew swings a punch at me, at which I duck and swing my fist back at him. I hit his jaw, and he stumbles back. I absently notice his nose bleeding, which sends a quick surge of satisfaction in me. I suddenly feel a knee hit me hard on the back. I wheeze, loosing my balance. A hand reaches over my mouth. I bite down viciously on it, tasting blood. My attack elicits a sharp scream from my attacker. I don't know if it's Al or Peter, and I don't care; all I know is that I need to get out of this alive.

Before I can focus, Peter's hand shoots out and hits me hard in the face. I wince, backing off a step. He takes the opportunity to send me sprawling to the floor with a forceful kick. I feel my mouth fill with blood as my face hits the rock, hard. This feels like my fight with Peter again, except a hundred times worse. I struggle to my feet, but before I can steady myself, Peter's hand grips me by the throat and shoves me against the wall. His face is so close to mine, I can see how his pale face is contorted with animalistic rage and hatred, and his teeth are gritted. I launch my arms and legs, trying to hit him, but he slams my head against the wall, hard, once, twice, thrice. Pain blooms sharply, spreading all over my skull. My vision blurs at the edges.

"You — can't — get away — with this," I manage to mutter through the coppery taste of blood everywhere in my mouth, landing a weak kick on his abdomen.

"I'd like you to say that when you are rotting in the Chasm," he grits out.

Suddenly, I hear chaos behind Peter, someone running towards us and someone running away. My mind is having problems wrapping up on concepts, but I dimly make out — running away, that's Al. And running towards us...

Peter releases me. I splutter and gasp as I sink to the floor, feeling the cold metal of the railing against my back. So close. If it were a few more minutes... the roar of rushing water tells me what would have happened.

I squint at the pandemonium still going on ahead of me. Someone is beating someone up. I see the person fall to the floor. That's... that's Drew. And the other person continues his merciless assault. Oh. Tobias.

On the ground, Drew has stopped moving; he is probably already unconscious. But Tobias seems to be in no way about to stop. He must be out of his mind with anger. He needs to stop, before he kills him.

"Tobias," I say. It comes out as a largely incoherent croak. "Tobias!" I try again. "Tobias. Tobias, stop!"

It takes a few seconds for my words to get to him, and then he pauses, and turns. His eyes widen as he looks at me, and he runs over to me.

"Tris," he breathes, putting his arms under my armpits and helping me up. "How — how are you feeling?"

 _Like I just got mowed down by a car, and was made to live again with the aftereffects_. But at least I am conscious, and with Tobias' support, I manage to get back on my feet. Definitely better than last time.

" 'M fine," I mumble.

He puts his arms around me, supporting me.

"We need to get you somewhere to rest," he says quietly. "Can you walk?"

I nod. I'm not overly sure, and my surroundings sway a little ever so often, but I _t_ _hink_ I can do it.

"On second thoughts, I don't know why I asked. I'd rather not let you," Tobias murmurs, and as carefully as if I were made of glass, picks me up, cradling me in his arms. The warmth of his touch is so comforting that I forget to protest. With slow steps, he carries me out of the Pit.

"I think you want to say something," I say quietly as I sway a little in his arms.

"You can read me too well, can't you?" he says with a smile. But the smile fades away, giving way to a serious expression. "Did you know this was going to happen?"

I stiffen. Damn. This isn't a question I want to answer, because I know he is not going to like it. I avert my eyes from him, silent.

He takes my silence as my answer. "You _did_?" His voice is a tremulous mix of fury and incredulity. "I can't believe this, Tris! You knew they would try to kill you, and you just walked into their trap?"

"I knew they would try to kill me," I say defensively. "They had the last time around, just this way. Peter tried to hurt Edward too, remember? And he would have, too, if I hadn't stopped him. I had two choices today — walk into their trap knowing what they'd try and protect myself, or be ambushed and killed some other way."

"But you nearly died!" he splutters. "You would have, if I hadn't heard you in time."

"Yes," I say, sighing. That's a big failure on my part. And I hate myself for failing. "I was prepared for what was coming, but I got distracted."

"You got distracted," he says slowly, his voice hardening. The boyfriend has disappeared; this is the instructor, disappointed at his initiate. "First you knowingly walk into a trap, and then you afford to _get distracted_. How did that happen, pray tell?"

I almost flinch at the harshness of his voice; but his anger is justified. It comes because he cares about me. "Not now," I say. "I'll tell you when we get to your apartment."

He sighs. "Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" he asks softly, all anger draining from his voice. He adjusts my weight in his arms so that I am more comfortable.

"You couldn't have done anything," I reply quietly. "Besides, I didn't want you to. I have to fight my own battles, Tobias. I can't let you deal with everything for me."

He shakes his head. "You are one stubborn woman, Tris Prior."

I smile. "So I have been told."

"By none other than me, I bet."

We never noticed how time flew; we are already at Tobias' door. Or at least, I didn't. Tobias somehow manages to use his key while still holding me, and kicks the door open. He pushes it shut with his back, and very carefully makes me sit on the bed. But as soon as my posture changes, the room lurches and spins a full circle around me, and before I know it, I have run into his bathroom, and am throwing up the remnants of my dinner in the toilet. Faintly, I hear Tobias walk in. He holds my hair back, rubbing slow circles with his palm on my back. I let out some dry heaves after I am done throwing up, and lean back, gasping. Tobias helps me up, allowing me to rinse my mouth in the sink.

"We should take you to the infirmary," he says worriedly. "This seems bad."

"No, no, I'm okay," I mumble, splashing water on my face.

"I have a spare toothbrush," he says, giving it to me. I mumble a thank you, looking at him gratefully.

"Do you mind if I take a shower?"

"No problem," he says. "Go ahead. I —" he blushes. "You sure you can manage it on your own?"

My face flames as I realize what that would mean. And I realize that I want to do that, too, but not now. I don't want to shower with him now. "I'll be fine," I murmur.

"I'll put Drew in the infirmary," he says, nodding. "I'll be back in a minute."

He leaves, and I slowly peel off my clothes. Now that all the adrenaline is gone, my legs shake, and my muscles ache when I move. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. My face is essentially intact; there is a dark bruise on my cheek where Peter hit me, and on my temple. I touch the back of my head and wince, a shot of pain rushing up as I feel the lump that has formed there. I run the shower, soaking in the lukewarm water, and sinking to my knees, allow myself a few tears, a few moments of weakness. My body throbs, and I feel violated, filthy, as I remember Drew's groping hands. It urges me to scrub myself clean until my skin is raw and red and aching; I won't touch Tobias like this. Not until I have wiped myself clean of Drew's touch.

My clothes are not in perfect shape, but I have no alternative except raiding Tobias' closet, so I put them back on. As I step out of the bathroom and move towards the bed, Tobias walks in. He smiles at me a little, and placing his hand on my back, guides me to his bed. I don't protest, lying down obediently; I don't think I can walk anymore. He covers me with his blue quilt, and presses a kiss on my forehead. It brings a smile to my face. It is then that I notice his injuries— his bleeding knuckles, a cut on his lips. There is an additional bruise on his forehead. I frown; he got more injured this time.

"Be right back," he murmurs. "I'll just clean up."

I nod, turning my head to watch as he turns on the tap, the water turning pink with his and Drew's blood.

"How's Drew?" I ask once he sits down beside me, the springs of the bed creaking ever so slightly.

"He'll live," he growls. "In what condition I cannot say."

"Good," I say fiercely.

"He claimed they were just trying to scare you. At least, I think that's what he was trying to say."

I nod, lowering my head. "I heard Jeanine and Eric talking," I say. "That's what distracted me. I was hoping I could get some information."

He looks at me keenly. "What did you hear?"

"Only Eric talking about hunting Divergents," I say with a shrug. "I don't think he knows anything about this file the Abnegation are going to release."

"I don't think so either," he agrees. "I suppose that issue is just between Max and Jeanine." I hum noncommittally.

"I know what you want to do," he murmurs after a short silence.

"What?"

"You're going to want to march into breakfast tomorrow and show your attackers they had no effect on you," he says, "but you should let that bruise on your cheek show, and keep your head down."

I frown. "I don't think I can do that," I say hollowly. I know his reasons, but the very thought is nauseating.

"You have to."

"I have already done it once, Tobias," I say, biting my cheek to stop myself from mentioning Drew touching me. "The first time around, you made me do it. Relying on Will and Christina. Acting weak."

"Then you should know that it is effective," he says.

"Yes, it is," I agree. "But twice... I can't do it, Tobias. I just can't."

He sighs. "I don't want to say this," he says, "but I feel like I have to. It is more important for you to be safe than right, for the time being. Understand?"

I look down and nod.

"We'll talk about this in the morning," I say. He frowns.

"Tris —"

"I understood you, Tobias. I'll see what I do about it. Now come here." I shift aside to let him lie down beside me. He looks at me for a long time, as if deliberating, and then obliges. He brushes strands of hair from my face. His fingers skim across the bruise on my cheek, and I stop myself from wincing.

"You can let yourself be in pain," he says. "It's just me here."

I don't say anything, grabbing his hands to inspect his knuckles.

"Your hands..."

"Are none of your concern," he says a little gruffly. I roll my eyes; this is my man.

I lightly touch the red knuckles to my lips, before moving my fingers to touch the cut on his lips.

"Seriously, Tris, I am all right," he murmurs against my fingers.

"Undoubtedly," I whisper. "You are as tough as nails. Now shh..."

I place light kisses all over his face — at the corner of his lips, on the bruise on his forehead. He groans.

"Oh, Tris," he cradles my face in his hands, drawing me in for a kiss, his eyes dark with desire but his hold gentle, "What would I do without you?"

I smile against his lips, kissing him back with all my feelings. With him, I could forget all my pain. I could forget everything.

-o0o-

I watch as Tobias steps out of the bathroom, his hair wet and skin glistening with just a touch of water. Or rather, I try and fail not to look, because it always has this effect which it has on me now — I completely forget what I was doing, what I was thinking.

"Hi," I say, internally cursing myself when the word comes out as a breathy whisper _. Get it together, Tris!_

"Hey." He steps closer to me, his eyes skimming over the ugly bruise highlighting my cheek. "How's your head?"

"Still on my shoulders, sir," I joke.

"Tris." He looks at me sternly.

"It's okay," I say quickly. "I'm alright." It's not the truth; my body is still throbbing with pain, but there is no denying that I got off with significantly less damage. The spot on my back where I was kneed and my side, where Peter kicked me, still hurt, though. But I've had worse. This time, if I have to look weak, I'll really need to pretend.

Tobias' hand touches my side, and I bite back a groan.

"I guess some other boy would be more gentle and understanding about this," he says quietly. "I'm... sorry if I am inadequate. I continually struggle with kindness."

I smile at him, shaking my head. "No one is perfect," I say. "And I wouldn't like you to change for all the world." I reach out to trail a finger down his jawline. "Some other boy would think that I'm just a weak little girl. Some other boy wouldn't tell me to _pretend_ vulnerability."

He gives a short bark of laughter. "I only say the truth. Others are fools not to notice how strong you are."

"One of the many reasons I love you," I smile.

He takes my hand and leads the way out.

"I'll go in first," he says when we stand outside the dining hall. "See you soon, Tris." And then I am alone.

I am better than last time, but it is still not difficult to act weak, firstly because I genuinely hurt, and secondly because I have gotten better at deception after so much practice. I easily earn Christina, Will and Uriah's sympathy. Even Marlene and Lynn come over from their table to mine. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Peter whispering to Molly, and my blood boils. I want to hurt him. So badly.

"But you're just..." Uriah says, pursing his lips. "It isn't fair. Three against one?"

"Yeah, and Peter is all about what's fair. That's why he tried to attack Edward in his sleep and slashed Tris with a knife." Christina snorts and shakes her head. "Al, though? Are you sure, Tris?"

I look down at my plate. Al isn't in the dining hall; he wasn't seen anywhere since this morning. Part of me feels sorry for him and part feels angry, condemning. "Yeah," I say. "I'm sure."

When Drew shuffles into the dining hall, I have to repress the cruel urge to clap my hands with glee. He hardly looks recognizable, Tobias beat him up so badly.

As we go on with breakfast, I keep up with my charade of a weak, broken girl. But then, as I turn my head, I see Peter looking at me while talking to Molly, a satisfied smirk on his face. Molly wears a leer of her own. I look away quickly so he can't see the flash of fury in my eyes. I can't do this anymore. I don't care what Tobias says, I don't care what happens next, I don't care if Peter tries to kill me again. It's not like people haven't tried to do away with me several times already. I won't tolerate this humiliation a second time.

I stand up from the table.

"Tris, what are you doing?" Will looks at me, wide-eyed, about to stand up.

"I — I need to use the restroom," I mumble, my head down.

"I'll go with you," Marlene offers.

"No, I'll be fine." I know this won't sound too awry; they already know that I'm proud and headstrong.

I give a swift look to Tobias, ensuring that he is not looking, and shuffle out of the hall into a lonely hallway. Through my peripheral vision, I see Peter mutter something to Molly and sidle out of his seat. I smirk to myself. For someone that scheming and cold-hearted, he can be surprisingly stupid sometimes.

I walk slowly down the corridor, and pause at a distance, pretending to catch my breath. I hear Peter's footsteps behind me, coming closer. My body tingles with anticipation.

"Does your body hurt too much, Stiff?" he says tauntingly from behind me. "Would it have been a favor if you were down in the Chasm now?"

I say nothing, silently snaking my right foot behind me until I know it is behind his knee. Then, in a swift motion, I tug, and turn around. Caught unguarded, Peter yelps and falls.

"It certainly would have been better for you, Peter," I hiss, and let go all my anger and vengeance. I don't have to do much; it's like Molly all over. I acknowledged my cruelty when I came to Dauntless, and now I'm unleashing it. I kick Peter, again, again and again. He screams and tries to cover his face, but I just keep stomping on him. Molly was saved because of Tobias; no one is there to pull me off Peter this time. My muscles burn, exerted more than they should after last night's assault, but I don't stop. I just see red, and let it guide me.

I don't know how long it is when the red haze descends from me. I look down at Peter. He looks a sorry state — bruised all over by my boots, his clothes rumpled, his nose broken and face red from the blood that has run down it. I stop, breathing hard. He makes no attempt to get up, letting out a small groan. I bend down, my face very close to his. His wide, innocent green eyes are full of shock and terror, for a change.

"Let me get this clear, Peter," I tell him very quietly. "I am not just a little Stiff girl whom you can beat up any time you want. Try to hurt me again, and you will get so much worse." I land a sharp slap on his cheek. "Do. You. Understand?"

His eyes are angry and full of humiliation, but he nods. He looks wary; he has finally seen me as a formidable opponent.

"Glad we could get that straight." I smile at him pleasantly. And then I walk off.

"Where were you?" Christina asks as I sit down with them. "You took so long... you missed almost all of breakfast."

"Sorry," I smile a little. "The ribs were being a bother."

"I told you I should go with you," Marlene says.

"We should do something about them," Uriah says in a low voice. "Especially Peter."

"Where is he, anyway? He was sitting there a while ago," Lynn observes. Everyone looks surprised at that, looking around; I hope my smirk doesn't show.

Tobias stands up, and all conversation ceases.

"Transfers. We're doing something different today," he says. "Follow me." We stand up.

"Where's Peter?" Molly says suddenly. "He went out, and he isn't here yet."

Conversation bubbles up again, people looking around, until Tobias raises a hand.

"If he isn't here, we will have to move on without him," he says. "We don't have all day."

Just then, Peter shuffles into the dining hall. I am able to appreciate the damage I've done to him, and it fills me with ruthless satisfaction. Am I as bad as Peter for acting like this? Perhaps I am, but at the moment, I decide that I don't care.

People's jaws drop, everyone starts talking again.

"Wow, Tris, someone really cares about you," Christina whispers. "First Drew, now Peter..."

I just shrug. My eyes drift to Tobias'. He stares at me for a long moment, his gaze knowing, before looking away. I don't know what to make of it.

I look Peter in the eye. He glares at me, the place beneath his eye swollen, and I stare back at him unflinchingly. He drops his gaze first.

Tobias leads us into the Pire and explains about the fear landscape room. Once we are done, we climb down. Christina and Will stick to me all the time; they are still under the impression that I need assistance. I don't dissuade them, even though it frustrates me.

As we sit down to lunch, Tobias turns up at our table.

"Tris, a word, please?" he says in his detached instructor voice. I see Christina and Will look surprised. Nodding at them, I stand up and follow him out of the dining hall. He grasps my hands once we are out of sight of everyone.

"Why exactly did you feel the need to beat Peter up?" he says, his expression neutral.

"Who said I did it?" I give him my most innocent look.

"Peter did, as a matter of fact, when he was grilled, but I could easily guess that it was you. You realize that it completely defeats the purpose of your acting weak, right?"

"Yes, I say defiantly, "But I don't care."

"You're so stubborn." He shakes his head, chuckling. He dips his head to kiss the corner of my mouth. "I like that," he whispers.

"Sometimes I don't understand you at all." I laugh.

"That was really harsh though," he says quietly.

"He deserved it," I say vehemently. "As did Drew."

"They did," he agrees. "But I don't think that makes us better persons."

"Maybe not," I say. "Maybe that's why we like each other. We aren't very nice people."

"No," he agrees, tracing my face with his fingertips, "We are not."

-o0o-

After lunch when we go back to the dormitory, we find Al there. The temperature of the room drops as we make eye contact. Will puts a supportive hand on my shoulder; Christina edges closer to me.

Al's eyes have shadows beneath them, and his face is swollen from crying.

"Tris," says Al, his voice breaking. "Can I talk to you?"

"Are you kidding?" Will says angrily. "You don't get to come near her ever again."

"I won't hurt you. I never wanted to..." Al covers his face with both hands. "I just want to say that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't...I don't know what's wrong with me, I...please forgive me, please..."

He reaches out like he is going to touch me. I look at him, and somewhere inside me, something breaks. I should tell him I forgive him. I know what will happen next. I should just say it. But I reflexively take a step back.

"Tris, please..." Al whispers. His eyes are dark and glassy. Tears stream down his face. I know I should forgive him, even though what he did was unforgivable. I still have enough Abnegation in me to tell me to forgive and forget. My decision might cost a life. If I cannot honestly say it, I should lie. Just to save him. My words are stuck in my throat. I can't say it.

"Tris..." Al's plea is barely audible. His eyes are bloodshot; he looks so broken. I should accept that his action was out of desperation, not evil intentions. I should do this, just for the sake of his life. I should...I should...

I turn around and leave the room.

-o0o-

I lie in bed, my heart hammering like it had last night. But for completely different reasons. I couldn't forgive Al, and I know where this will go. I need to stop him. Despite whatever he did, I can't let him die. _Do you want to?_ a wicked voice whispers in my head. I shake it off. This is not about what I want to do, this is about what I should. I wait in my bunk, staring up blankly, my ears strained for the telltale creak of the bed across of me which would come sometime during the night. I count my breaths as I wait, my nerves strung up. One, two, three, four...five...six...Four...

I wake up with a gasp. The surroundings look dark, and I realize that I fell asleep. My eyes wildly reach for the bunk across me. My heart stutters as I see that it's empty. Oh God, no no no...

I practically run out of the dormitory, not bothering to wear shoes, not bothering about how I look. I halt when the Chasm comes into view. A large figure stands with his back to me, on the narrow ledge beyond the railing. I sigh in momentary relief. I take a few steps closer to him.

"Al," I say very quietly, so as to not startle him and cause him to lose his balance and fall. "Al, don't do this."

For a second I think he hasn't heard me, but then he stiffens, and very carefully turns around to face me. He reminds me of Christina the day she was made to hang from the railing. His eyes are streaming, but the wild, desperate look he had when he tried to apologize to me earlier this afternoon has been replaced by a placid one — the look of a man who has reached an unwavering decision.

"Tris," he says calmly enough, but his eyes swim with emotions. "What are you doing here?"

"I — don't do this, Al. Come back." I trip at each word, unsure how to proceed.

Al shakes his head sadly. "You don't understand, Tris. There is no purpose of me living anymore. I'm done."

"You are wrong! There is always something more in life. There are always things to live for."

"To you, maybe." He sighs. "I am not like you."

"What do you think this will lead to, huh?" I demand, his resigned demeanor pushing me to desperation. "What are you seeking with this? Do you think you'll reach a better world, where things are easy? Do you want to prove your bravery by taking this jump? Get immortal glory?"

I don't know where I was aiming with this — to goad him into stepping around the railing, maybe; but whatever it was, it doesn't work. Al looks as downcast as ever, his tears rolling down into his shirt.

"I don't want anything," he whispers. "I just want out. I am sick of this... this life... I am tired of carrying around so many mistakes. I am a disappointment to my parents. I'm weak, I'm a coward. An almost murderer." His voice quivers as he looks at me. "I am sick of myself. I'm tired of being _me_ , Tris." I am reminded of the similar thoughts I had at the Merciless Mart, and my eyes burn. "It must be good to...sleep. To not think, to not be bothered about making mistakes, making decisions." His voice turns wistful.

"N-no!" I stutter, my vision blurring slightly. "That's... that's not how it works. You — suicide is cowardice, Al. Do you want to take the coward's way out?"

He only smiles a self-depreciating smile. "But I _am_ a coward. Tris," he says softly. "I thought we had established that."

And he steps back. One step off the ledge, then another.

I don't think I have ever run so fast in my life. I latch onto his wrist even as he starts falling. He is so heavy, his weight almost causes me to tumble right over the railing into the Chasm with him. I hold the railing with my free hand so hard my knuckles hurt, and jam my feet firmly on the ground.

"Al, stop!" I gasp. "Come back!"

"Let me go, Tris," Al says. "I almost killed you once. I don't want you to die because of me."

"I won't —" I pant, my abdomen pressing hard against the railing, choking out my breath. "— until you come back. Please, Al. F-for me."

I won't be able to hold on for long; his fingers are already slipping through my sweaty palms.

"Can you forgive me, Tris?" he asks very quietly.

 _Say yes. Just say yes_. I open my mouth, but I can't get the word out. A simple three lettered word. I have lied so much, so many times, so thoroughly, and yet at this moment, I can't. I just can't. The tears spill from my eyes.

"I thought so." Al is crying too, a sad smile on his lips. "I'm so sorry, Tris. I hope one day, you will be able to to forgive me. Goodbye."

And he tugs his hand from my fingers, which slides off easily, so easily.

"AL! NO!"

The echoes of my scream follow his body down, down, down.

I don't hear the splash of his body hitting the white, foaming river. I don't hear the scream that leaps from my mouth. I just sink to the ground, surrounded by gray noise.

Once I was selfless. Or brave. Or clever.

But now, I am nothing. Nothing.

* * *

 **Whew, that was pretty intense. So long!**


	17. Your Fears, My Fears

**No major gamechanging event in this chapter, just emotional stuff and character interaction. Hope you like!**

 **As always, thank you for the incredible support. Dunno what I'd do without y'all!**

* * *

I don't know how long I kneel by the Chasm, unmoving. I don't know how late it is when someone realizes that something is amiss, and calls in the authorities. I don't know when people begin crowding in, the noise level in the Pit rising from the still silence. People are moving, people are talking, shouting. I don't feel anything; I _can't_ feel anything. Time jumped into the Chasm along with Al, and took with it my ability to feel.

I catch a few snippets of conversation —

"—jumped again —"

"—initiate — transfer —"

"— what — that girl — here —"

They don't make sense to me. Nothing makes sense anymore, except the endless chain of guilt running through me.

 _I let him die. I let him die. I could have saved him but I let him die._ Would he have been happy to live this life anyway, under the impression of forgiveness but never really forgiven, continually struggling with the challenges which just became harder and harder, an outcast in the eyes of my friends who would never forgive him, eventually factionless? Is it better that he is dead? It doesn't matter anymore. It has happened. He is dead. And it's my fault.

A small part of my mind tells me that Al would have died irrespective of what I tried, eventually anyway, but I ignore it. I don't know that, do I? He never lived long enough for me to know.

Someone touches my shoulder. A hand grips my arm, pulling me up. I don't resist, but I don't exactly cooperate either. I feel blank, a dead shell.

"Come on, Tris, get up," Christina murmurs close to my ear. I look at her. Concern is written on every line of her face.

"She seems to have gone into shock," Will says quietly, standing next to her. It's not shock, I want to tell him. It's guilt. But I don't speak.

"What happened, Tris?" Christina asks softly. "How are you here?"

My knees ache from being against the hard rock for so long. My heart aches worse. "I saw him die," I whisper. "I was there and I saw him die and I tried to stop him. But he didn't listen. Why didn't he listen?"

I see Will and Christina exchange glances.

"He wanted me to forgive him," I continue. "He asked me for forgiveness, but I couldn't say it, I couldn't even lie and he... he died. Just died."

Christina looks lost for words. She silently puts her arm around me. Ahead of us two Dauntless men hoist something up with ropes. Al's body. I know what it will be like, I know exactly how it will be. And I don't want to watch it. I don't want to watch them lay his big body on the ground, his eyes open and lips parted, not like him at all but still him. I can't watch all that, knowing I could have avoided it. But even after it has happened, the little question niggles at my mind, the same which had bothered me every time I thought of saving Al — _Could I?_

Christina's hand is tight around my shoulder. The men grunt with effort. Any moment now, they'll pull the body up. I need to leave. Freeing myself of Christina's grip, I run, ignoring her call. Image after image runs before my eyes. Al's corpse, flat and wet on the rock. Them bringing the body bag. The bag, too small for Al. A pathetic combination of a laugh and a sob escapes me. I can't witness all this twice. I have seen more than enough once already.

At the moment, I just wish that I could forget. Forget everything.

-o0o-

I lean back against the wall, closing my eyes. Dauntless doesn't feel like a place for humans anymore, it feels like a hellish place, filled with the cries of animals, the chant ringing in my ears.

"Albert! Albert! Al-bert!" I try to block the sound, but I fail miserably.

If there is one thing I hate about Dauntless, it's their way of dealing with grief. It may be effective, cheering and screaming to drown your sorrow, but it is meaningless. What right do they have of celebrating Al, of calling him brave? They have no idea what went through his head, what it was like for him. I can't stand this, so I just wait alone, in a lonely hallway, trying to block my senses. What would it be like for Al if he could see how they were celebrating his act, branding him their bravest? It doesn't matter. The truth is that he is dead, and nothing is going to change that.

Guilt claws at me like a wild animal at my throat. At the moment, I wish I had not refused the drink Uriah offered me. It would have been nice to let the burn of alcohol counter the burn of guilt.

I hear footsteps walking towards me. I look up to see Tobias. The blue light casts shadows across his face, making him look eerie, harsher.

"Shouldn't you be paying your respects?" It's a meaningless thing to say, and I don't want to say it, but I can't help it, or the bitterness in my voice.

"Shouldn't you?" he asks quietly, stepping close to me. My back presses against the wall, and Tobias places his hands on my hips.

"Not that way, no. I don't want to," I whisper, pulling him towards me so that my head rests on his chest. I can hear his steady heartbeat, and the faint rumble of his chest as he breathes. He must understand why I cannot come to terms with Dauntless funerals. We came from the same place.

"He would have lived," I murmur into his chest, my eyes brimming with tears. "I knew he was going to die. I tried to stop him... He asked me to forgive him but I couldn't. I couldn't even lie to him. It's my fault he is dead."

"No, it isn't," Tobias says firmly. "It's not your fault."

"If I had forgiven him, he would have lived."

"Maybe," he says. "Maybe there's more we all could have done. But we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time."

I soak in the Abnegation lesson that leaves his lips, just like it had last time, only I hadn't known who he really was then. The words tell me to endure; they tell me that there is so much I have to do to make myself a better person.

"Is there something wrong with me?" I say, my tears spilling. "Why couldn't I forgive him, even when I knew that he didn't really mean me harm? Why couldn't I even lie, when it would have saved him?" A small sob chokes me.

"I wouldn't be able to tell; forgiveness has never been among my strengths," he admits. "But I don't think Al would have wanted to live with a lie. He deserved the truth, which you gave to him."

"And he died because of it. Did he deserve to die?" I say angrily.

He presses his forehead to mine.

"That," he murmurs, "is something no one has a right to decide."

I have nothing to say to that, so I just press my face closer to his heart. Tobias runs his hands through my hair, pulling me even closer.

"It's not your fault Al died, Tris," he says quietly. "And your believing otherwise won't help anyone."

I try to believe him. I tell myself that he is right, because I need him to be, for my sake.

-o0o-

"You sure you don't need us to do it?" Christina holds a bunch of newspapers in her hands. All the papers containing reports against Abnegation.

"No, seriously, I'm fine. You can do whatever you want with them...burn them, make paper planes...I don't care. I'm over it."

Christina and Will thought, just like last time, that getting rid of the incriminating newspapers would be a good way to improve my mood. But I don't need them to try for me; it's one of the least of the things bothering me now.

"You look terrible, Tris, no offense," Will says. "We could —"

"No, it's okay, Will," I try for a smile. "I'll be okay. I just —" My eyes suddenly find Tobias, walking towards the hallway leading to the fear landscape room. It acts as an immediate and effective distraction. "— need to ask Four a question," I say a little distantly. "You go ahead."

Christina blinks. "It's bedtime," she says. "We should go to the dorm. Are you sure you should be running around here alone at night?"

"I won't be alone; I'll be with Four," I say, looking at the shadow that now is all the evidence of the figure gone up the path. I look at Christina to see that she and Will are looking at each other, their attention evidently deflected from me to each other at my dismissal.

"All right," Christina says distantly. I am not sure she heard what I said at all. "See you later, then."

I watch Christina and Will playfully interact with each other as they go, their hands almost touching. And then I run towards the hallway which Tobias took.

I don't know why exactly I am doing this; I already know what he has in his fear landscape, I don't need to go snooping again. But I know that he can't possibly be going in that direction with the possibility of me noticing him for no reason, so like last time, he must want me to follow him. I need to distract myself anyway, to do something, move around, think about other things, or thoughts of Al will crush me.

I don't bother to be very stealthy this time, following the sound of his footsteps ahead of me. When I finally reach the floor where the fear room is located, I stop short. There is no Tobias, no one.

I blink and look around. What the hell? I didn't just imagine all that, did I?

A gust of cool air falls on the back of my neck. I jump with a little scream, and turn around to see Tobias chuckling, inches away from me.

"I never understand how you do that," I tell him, my eyes narrowed.

"Do what?" he asks, still chuckling.

"Sneak up on me like that."

"Consider it one of my strengths." He smirks.

"So, fear landscape?" I ask him, my eyes on the little black box in his hand.

"Yeah," he says, a little uncomfortable. "Since you are here, you could come along."

 _Going for the casual approach again?_

"Yeah?" I say, surprised. "I can do that?"

He nods, his eyes a little uncertain.

"Listen, I already know what your fear landscape is like," I explain. "You showed me... y'know, the first time around. To tell me who you really were."

Tobias looks a little surprised, but nods anyway.

"So you don't have to go through this... if you don't want to. It's not obligatory or something... you know," I finish lamely, unsure how to phrase my thoughts. I don't want to force him into showing me or make him feel like he needs to, knowing how guarded he is with his secrets. And letting someone look at your fear landscape is letting them into your head, letting them see you at your most vulnerable, which is the farthest one can go into dropping their guard.

"No, it's not because of that," he says quietly, "I am doing this because I want to. But of course, you can refuse..." His gaze drops to the ground, "You don't need to go through it again. You know about it already... so..."

I take his hand. "Oh Tobias, it's not like that. Of course I'll go in. I want to help you in any way I can."

His fingers intertwine with mine. "Thanks," he murmurs. "I would like to ask for a return favor."

I look at him blankly. "Anything you want."

He opens the box before my eyes. Instead of the two syringes I had expected, there are four.

"I want us to go through your fear landscape tonight."

My eyes widen. "But no initiate is supposed to know what their fear landscape is beforehand."

He laughs a little. "After all those rules you've broken, you are saying this?"

I blush. "No — I —" I look him in the eye. "Why do you want to?"

"Firstly, I think you should be prepared for what is coming, because your fears can jeopardize your secret." He sounds brusque and serious; once more, I am his initiate and he is my instructor, telling me the best ways to win. "I want you to know what's coming, so that you can act accordingly and give away as little as possible. Remember, the leaders will be watching you." I nod. "And apart from that, well..." He trails off, but his eyes, so deep blue and intense in their sincerity, hold the answer. Today's act is one of trust, not a revelation as it had been last time. He knows that I know so much about him, and yet he wants me to accompany him into his fear landscape, because he wants to show that he trusts me, that he is voluntarily opening up. And he wants me to return that favor. I feel a lump in throat.

"All right. We'll go through my fear landscape too," I say. "Thank you," I add in a whisper.

"For what?"

"For trusting me so much." I stand on my toes to kiss him softly. A lone tear drips off my eye onto his lip.

"Hey," he whispers, bringing my face closer to his. He wipes my eye with his thumb. "It's nothing. And thank _you_ for trusting me too."

"There is no one I trust more in this world," I murmur, taking his hand, a smile on my face. "Let's go."

"The room has been sequentially programmed with mine and your fear landscapes," Tobias says, nodding. "So we'll be going through mine first, and then yours."

"How did you set up mine?" I ask curiously. "I thought only the leaders had access..."

Tobias smiles at me lopsidedly. "Come on, give me some credit, Tris. How do you think I run mine? Your brain patterns have been collected in stage two, and they form the basis of the fears that you see in the final test. All I had to do was tweak around a bit and hunt your files out, and feed it to the program accordingly." He shrugs like it's child's play. I stare at him, impressed to silence. On second thoughts, I don't even know why I asked Tobias. There isn't much he is incapable of.

"Why bother?" I murmur. "Why go through all that trouble, run the risk? If you were caught, things could get serious."

He looks at me, and for this rare moment his eyes are devoid of all his barriers, leaving only disarming sincerity.

"I did it because I wanted to know you," he says, his voice soft. "I have seen you at your most vulnerable, but I wanted to see you here, to understand you. I'm not a leader... I won't get to see what your fears are and how you face them. You have told me a lot, but it still is so much, so difficult to grasp and accept... it's difficult to believe it is real. And I wanted you to trust me, I want us both to trust each other." He looks down. "And I... wanted to be with you. To be there _for_ you. Just this once, just like I want you to be here for me. With me."

I stare at him, struck speechless. That is one of the longest and most heartfelt speeches he has ever made to me. He must realize it too, because I notice a blush steal up his neck and cheeks. I step closer to him and wrap my arms around him, hoping my gesture will speak more reliably than my tongue. Tobias' arms reach around me too, holding me against his warm chest.

"I will always be with you," I promise him, hearing the unsteady quality of my voice. "No matter what happens, Tobias. I will always be there for you. I am not going anywhere."

He smiles at me, pulling back a little to look into my eyes, and his eyes are swimming with as much emotion as I feel coursing through my body.

"I'm glad," he whispers. "And now, unless we wish to get caught, we should really get going."

I nod, and holding hands, we walk forward until we are facing the door to the fear room. Tobias brings out two syringes from the box. I tilt my neck and feel the familiar prick of the needle, which sends a chill down my spine. Serums have almost never done anything good in my life.

Tobias holds out his syringe to me, and silently, I stand on my toes to press it to his neck. I am quite used to doing this, but still, my hand shakes a little as the needle breaks his skin. Tobias doesn't react, his eyes on me the whole time. Taking my hand again, Tobias opens the door, and we step in.

The darkness is momentary as the door shuts behind us, and then wind beats on my face like the powerful flap of wings of a bird of prey. We stand on glass and metal, the city heights unfolding before us. The sky, which is open and free before me after such a long time, takes my breath away.

Tobias' arms wrap around me. His fast breathing is audible even over the howling of the wind.

"Tobias," I say, "Look up. What colour is the sky?" I must sound extremely stupid, but I want to distract him, so that I can make the trial easier for him.

"B-blue," he says, his tone bewildered and breathless, "with — some gray?"

"Yeah, good," I try to keep my voice calm and soothing, "Now just keep looking at it, okay? Just imagine we are about to jump onto a train. We'll jump on three, okay?"

He nods, and I am pleased to notice that his frantic grip on my arm loosens, if only a little.

"Okay. One, two, three!"

I drag him with me, him feeling like a dead weight behind me, but more cooperative than what I remember from the last time. We fall, the wind zooming through our hair, and I let the exhilaration soak me for the few moments before we land. It's difficult to suppress the grin that pulls at my lips because of the rush of adrenaline through my body.

"Well, that was —" I begin, only to be pushed right into Tobias by a wall that slams onto my back. We can hardly move; the box that encloses us has hardly enough space for us to even breathe.

"C-confinement," Tobias says, the word hardly discernible through the guttural groan that leaves him.

"Here." This time, I can more quickly, knowing what to do. The understanding between us and my long experience with him also helps with my awkwardness. I quickly move to give him more space, my back pressed against his chest, our heads close together. Tobias' breath falls, harsh and irregular, against my ear.

"Ah," he says, his voice raspy. "This is worse. This is definitely…"

"Shh, come on, arms around me," I order. He obediently brings his arms to the front, wrapping it around my waist. I guide his hand and place is on my chest, right over my heart.

"Feel me breathing?" I say. "When I breathe, you breathe. In, out."

He nods shakily again, and follows suit.

"Feel my heartbeat," I murmur, trying harder to calm him down. "Right here?"

"Yeah," he gasps. "It's fast."

"Well, that doesn't have anything to do with you being so close to me," I lie, feeling heat spread all over my face.

"Oh, yes?" he breathes, letting out a panicked little burst of laughter. The walls around us crack a little.

"Of course," I chuckle. "Or maybe it's just giving you an alarm."

"What —?" Confusion momentarily lets his panic subside.

"To tell you that your rent is overdue. You have been living in my heart for free far too long."

Tobias stares at me strangely for a second, and then bursts out laughing. He laughs so hard the walls splinter and break away from us, freeing us.

"That —" he wheezes, "— was the corniest pick up line I've ever heard."

"Heard it sometime in school," I say, joining in his laughter. "The girl just looked at the guy, kicked him and ran off!"

"Must have been Dauntless," he laughs. "I seriously must tell Zeke about this one. He'd want to use it on Shauna. Oh, Tris, I never thought —" he chokes on his laughter.

"Hey, Abnegation here, give me a break," I say playfully.

"Yeah, sure —" he begins, wiping tears of laughter, but his voice trails off as he looks over his shoulder. I look too. A woman stands, holding a gun pointed at us. Tobias' hands tremble as he picks up a gun from a table nearby.

"She isn't real."

"She looks real." He bites his lip. "It feels real."

"You can do it," I murmur, dropping my hand to let him hold the gun with both hands. "What you do here doesn't change you, Tobias."

"Don't," he whispers, the corners of his eyes tight with distress. "Don't let go of me. Please."

I shift a little and wrap an arm around his waist. Taking a shuddering breath, Tobias aims and pulls the trigger. I close my eyes. I have seen enough death. I don't want to look. I can't look.

The sharp crack of the gun tells me it's over. I open my eyes to blood and the woman crumpled on the floor. The gun drops from Tobias' hands, his eyes glazed, his body frozen. I take him by the arm.

"Come on," I urge, "Let's get this over with."

At my words, he seems to awake, and he allows me to lead him on, although he still looks dazed and haunted.

The next and the last fear is something I have not forgotten even a little, can never forget. I watch, standing with Tobias in the darkened space, as several images of Marcus step into view, belts in hand.

"This is for your own good," they say in unison, their eyes black, empty pits. The first Marcus lashes his belt at Tobias.

This time, it's all too easy for me. I am not afraid, not at all. I am angry, livid. I want to hurt this man, kill him for what he did to his son. The images of Tobias cowering, from my past life, from the fear landscape of that day that I witnessed and today, burn before my eyes, and I reach out in front of Tobias, letting the belt sting my wrist. I lash it back, so that it hits Marcus' shoulder. As he lunges at me, I kick him in the stomach, and he falls back with a cry. The second Marcus advances at me, but then, Tobias pushes me behind him to confront his father, anger in his eyes, and the simulation ends.

I look at Tobias. He is breathing hard, his eyes wide, never leaving my face. And then his musky warmth engulfs me, his lips pressing over mine with desperate urgency. It reminds me of the day he found out that I love him. Tobias' lips move from mine to gently caress my cheek. I wrap my arms around him too, holding him close and never wanting to let go.

"Hey," I say softly. "We got through it."

He pulls back to look at me, and his eyes are so deep a blue, I just feel like I am gravitating towards them until I'll fall.

"You got me through it," he says finally.

We stand like that, frozen and warm in each other's comfort, and wish I never had to move. Then we walk out of the room, and wait outside.

"The simulation will be ready for use in five minutes," Tobias says, absently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "You ready?"

I look at the door, my mind already envisioning what I'll see. My loved ones dying. My fault. All my fault. I will have to face this in two days. Can I do it again, already, face my powerlessness, my helplessness, my fears? My soul is already peppered with guilt about Al. Can I take anymore tonight?

I hang my head, hating myself as the word leaves my mouth. "N-no."

Tobias looks at me.

"I can't do this, Tobias. I'm — I'm not brave enough."

"After what you just did, you are saying this?" he says incredulously. "You got me through my fear landscape, Tris. You were so brave."

"It's easy to be brave when they are not my fears," I mumble.

"I will let you go if you don't want to do this, Tris, or if you don't want me to see," Tobias says, looking at me sternly. I can hear the instructor speaking. "But I am not letting you off if you are afraid. You need to overcome your fear."

"You don't understand!" I exclaim, feeling more vulnerable than ever. "I am not like you, Tobias. I am not strong enough to face my fears again and again."

He shakes his head. "You are stronger than you think," he says. "You are different from others. I have seen it; fear doesn't shut you down, it wakes you up."

"You've told me that before." I smile.

" _I_ didn't, but if you heard it from me, well..." he replies, chuckling.

"It doesn't matter," I smile at him. "I don't mind hearing the same thing from you twice; I don't mind hearing it from you a hundred times." My face reddens at the realization of what I said, and I laugh, embarrassed. "God, doesn't that sounds sappy?"

Tobias smiles at me, his eyes bright. "I think it sounds beautiful," he murmurs. "Now, shall we?"

"We shall," I reply with a nervous laugh. His pep talk has given me enough strength to go ahead.

We repeat the procedure of a few minutes ago, and hand in hand, step into the fear room again.

The dull yellow sky greets us after a moment of darkness.

 _This is easy_ , I tell myself. _It's the easiest of the lot._ But it is difficult not to scream as I see the beady eye of a crow staring at me right from my shoulder; it is difficult not to stumble back as the birds flap at me, cawing loudly from every direction, closer and closer with every second.

 _It's a sim. Keep control. Tobias is watching._

I focus on his hand in mine, and giving it a squeeze, let go, trying to ignore my heart racing and my quick breathing.

 _Focus. Focus_. Something hard and heavy is in my hand. I lift the gun, aim and shoot. The birds start dropping, and the rest, scared of the loud noise and their peers falling, squawk and fly away.

I sigh, looking at Tobias.

"Good," he says. "That was fast."

"Pract—" I begin, when my body is suddenly slammed to his. I find ourselves pressed against each other, surrounded by a glass box. The tank, which had ample space for me to stand, now hardly allows the two of us to even shift our footing. Our arms are around each other. Across his shoulder, I see the initiates standing in a circle, watching.

Water begins to fill in before I can react. With Tobias here, we are taking more space than usual, the water rising faster than I ever remember seeing it rise. My breathing quickens. _Oh no oh no..._

"This is worse," I find myself repeating Tobias' words. "This is definitely w..."

"Focus, Tris." Tobias' voice breaks me through my daze of panic. "Break the glass."

Right, _break the glass._ This is a simulation. I forgot to think in my terror. Tobias' hands grip my waist.

"I'm here for you," he murmurs.

"No no no, hands off!"

He looks at me, confused and a little hurt.

"I always forget how to think and what to think when you are touching me," I explain. He chuckles, but obligingly backs off as much as he can.

I take a deep breath, slamming my palms against the glass. The water is at my chest now.

 _The glass is ice, the glass is ice, the glass is ice..._ the chant is familiar and easy in my mind once I start thinking. Soon, I hear the telltale crack.

 _The glass is ice, the glass is ice, the glass is ice_... Up to my neck now. Come on...

The glass shatters, freeing us.

"That took a long time," I gasp. Tobias doesn't reply, silently taking my hand. Our bodies, soaked and cold, dry up as the surroundings turn dark.

Christina stares at me, her eyes burning with hatred.

"You!" she says, pointing at me, "You killed him!"

"I — I —" I don't know what I should do or say; I have no idea how to pass this simulation. Now, I really begin to hyperventilate. What do I do?

Will appears before me, his face blank, his gun pointed at me. At the same time, I feel a gun in my hand, my hand rising towards him.

"No, no..." I whimper. _Please no no no_

Tobias' hands close over mine, stopping the progress of my arms.

"Stop, Tris," he says, his warm breath tickling my ear. "Control yourself."

I try to lower the gun, but my hands resist.

"Stop."

 _It's a simulation_.

My fingers are already tight around the trigger. Only a little movement...

"Stop."

 _I won't kill him_.

My hand shakes.

"Stop."

 _I WON'T!_

I drop the gun. My forehead is lined with sweat. Will and Christina disappear. Instead, the Abnegation sector appears before me, burning. My breath hitches.

"It's not real," Tobias tells me, squeezing my hand. "Remember that."

"Y-yes," I manage.

"You won't fail," Tobias says, determination in his eyes. "I won't let you."

I nod. _I won't fail. Everything will be okay. I won't fail. I'll save them all._

"I won't fail!" I scream out to the flames. And the simulation disintegrates.

I run my tongue over my dry lips, just hoping for this to be over. And it was only the third fear. I know that I have at least two more.

My parents and Caleb stands before me, even as a gun presses against my forehead and another in my hand. I see Tobias freeze beside me, but there is nothing he can do here.

"Shoot," the voice tells me. My eyes run over the three faces I love so much. My hand raises itself to reach for my own temple, like I want to, but then I realize how the same thing came to be Tobias' fear later, and I know that killing myself this time is not an option, even though it's not real. The voice starts to count down.

I look at my mother's sad smile, moving over to Dad's apologetic gaze, to Caleb. I won't spend long in this simulation; I wasted too much of time in the second and the third.

"I am sorry, Caleb," I whisper, and pull the trigger, squeezing my eyes shut. I don't need to look to know that it hit his head; it's where I aimed.

"Tris," Tobias whispers. "Why did you kill him?"

"I couldn't deliberate, because then I would have to watch you die, which I couldn't. And I did not want to shoot myself with you standing beside me."

I don't stop to think about what he thinks about it; I feel horrible enough shooting Caleb. Maybe he thinks I am ridiculous. Maybe he thinks I am cruel, or a coward. It doesn't matter here. I just want to get out.

After a few seconds, though, I realize that something is wrong.

"Tobias," I whisper.

"Yes?" His voice comes from the left, right beside me. But I can't see him. I can't see anything. Didn't I open my eyes yet?

"Can you see anything?"

"No," he says. "It's all black."

And so it is. I try to look around, but I can't see anything. Everywhere, there is impenetrable darkness. And silence.

I reach out around me, but I feel nothing. The surface beneath me is of no particular texture, we might as well be standing on thin air. Nothing about my surroundings gives me any idea of where I am and what I am doing — not the darkness, not the silence, not the eventless but pregnant pause.

"What is happening?" Tobias asks.

"I — I don't know!" Dread pulls in the pit of my stomach, and alarm bells start ringing in my head. Something awful is going to happen, I can feel it in my veins, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what's happening, and I don't know how to stop it. My heart starts hammering as my dread rises to sharp panic.

"Tris." Tobias' hand encloses mine. It wrenches me back to reality, a little. "Tris, calm down."

"But — but I don't know what's happening!" I gasp. "I — I don't know —"

"Yes, you don't know." His voice is calm and controlled. "The unknown is the dark...ignorance is darkness. So what should you do?" He might as well be giving me private lessons by the tone of his voice.

I can't think over my panic, but Tobias' voice and his touch give me strength. It gives me enough calm to think.

"L-light," I manage.

"Yes. Find one."

 _Light. Find light._ As I think of it with enough concentration, I find my fingers closing around a flashlight. I switch it on. In its golden glow, I see Tobias' smiling face. Relief fills me from top to toe.

"There is a door," he says. "Let's get out." I nod, and looking at the door of light which has emerged out of the darkness when I switched the light on, we walk towards it and out.

And reach a world of blood red skies and streets which have turned into rivers of blood. Bodies litter the street, their eyes open and staring. The city is practically unrecognizable, but the prominent sight of the large Ferris Wheel in the distance, and other familiar landmarks say that it's Chicago. My hometown. My world.

"What we need is a system where everyone cooperates. The Divergent are anomalies to our system. Hence they must be eliminated." Jeanine's cool voice cuts through the cries and gunshots ringing in the air. She stands right before us, completely prim and proper, as if the world isn't falling apart before us. Beside me, Tobias freezes, his face contorted with anger.

"The genetically damaged are lacking in their personalities. They are not the same as us, Beatrice." I whip around to see David staring at us. "They are the reason the world fell apart."

Both their voices echo around. More gunshots. More screams. More bodies. Chicago is destroyed. Gone.

"No," I say quietly. My heart is pounding with the fear of this turning into reality, but it hasn't yet. This is a simulation. And I must get out of it. "I won't let you do this to my city. I won't let you hurt my people." I clasp Tobias' hand tightly, feeling him pressing close and wrapping his arm around me. "This isn't Chicago. It won't be."

The image before us changes, and for two seconds, I see a bright blue sky, people laughing, sitting in the cars of the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier, and the lake, a deep, deep blue like Tobias' eyes, glittering away for miles and miles, as far as my sight leads me. My Chicago. This is how I want it to be one day. And then everything disappears.

"That was David?" Tobias asks me quietly. I nod.

"The scene you created was beautiful," he says.

I smile. "That is how I want it to be one day."

He presses his lips to my forehead. "Me too."

Then I notice that the scene had changed, but the simulation hasn't ended. I detach myself from Tobias and look around. Instead of the fear room, I am in Tobias' room at Marcus' house.

I see Tobias standing in front of the mirror. He looks thin, pale, broken. Just like I had seen him in my dream. My heart stutters. Oh God. I just realized what this is going to be.

Tobias takes a vial of memory serum from his pocket. I had thought that I'd be in control, that I'd remember that this is a simulation. But I was wrong. All thoughts leave me, except that I need to stop this. But I am too late. Even as I rush forward, the contents of the vial go down his throat.

"Tobias, no!"

He turns towards me. His eyes are blank, and even when they focus on me, they show no love. No recognition.

"I'm sorry," he says, "Do I know you?"

I can literally feel my heart shatter. My sight blurs with tears. From the side, I see a door open, and a girl walks in. She is tall, with dark hair. Nothing like me. She embraces Tobias, and he kisses her back. I feel sick. I need this to stop. Now.

Suddenly, a pair of arms wrap around me.

"Tris," Tobias' voice falls softly on my ears. "This isn't real. _I_ am here. The real me. Get it together, Tris."

A sob threatens to escape me. But at Tobias' words, reality grasps me again. I look at the brunette and simulation Tobias, hand in hand.

"Whatever you do, if it makes you happy, I'll try to be happy with it," I whisper. "Even if you want to forget me." And the image disappears.

I stare at the empty fear room where I stand, at the 'Dauntless' on the wall, and as my eyes shift to Tobias staring me, I finally lose it and dissolve to tears.

Tobias pulls me to him, letting me sob into his chest. He presses light kisses on my ear, his fingers threading through my hair.

"Why?" he says. "Why do you think I would want to forget you ever, Tris?"

I pull back to look at him, my eyes still swimming with tears.

"That day when I dreamt of myself dying," I say through hiccups, "I also saw you trying to take the memory serum, a-after my death. I— I woke up before I could do anything... I don't know..."

Tobias presses his index finger on my lips, silencing my blabbering.

"I have no idea why I would want to forget you, whatever happens," he says quietly. "I suppose the pain must have been too much... but consider it a lapse of sanity for that moment. I would go and conk that Tobias Eaton on the head if I could, and give him a stern talking to." He laughs a little, and I join in with a watery chuckle. "I never want to forget you, Tris. Every moment I spend with you is important to me. I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world. And," he looks at me seriously, if a little sternly, "never for a moment think that I am interested in anyone but you. It's you, Tris. Always will be."

I look at him in silence, and then I throw my arms around him, kissing him with all the feelings I can muster, trying to let him know how much his words mean to me. A few more tears leak out and drop on our joined lips, letting me taste the salt in them.

"I love you," I tell him, "I love you so much."

He smiles, kissing me tenderly again, tucking stray strands of hair behind my ear.

"Let's go," he says. "It's been a tough night, I am sure you are tired. I'll walk you to the dorm."

We walk to the dark dormitory in companionable silence, our arms around each other's waist.

"Sleep well," he tells me, "There will be more trials tomorrow."

I nod. "Goodnight." I kiss him on the cheek. "I love you."

He smiles in return, kissing me softly before leaving with a wave of his hand.

I sigh as I climb into my bunk and let my eyes close. I wonder when I will get a reply to my 'I love you's. I understand exactly how Tobias must have felt when he said it to me again and again, and received no answer.

Thinking about this strange parallel and how it is a just punishment for me, I fall asleep.


	18. All That Matters

**Guys, The Return crossed two hundred reviews and 15000 views! I can't even begin to describe how happy and grateful I am! Thank you all for sticking around and being patient through my writing and for your amazing support... THANK YOU THANK YOU...LOVE YOU MWAHH!**

 **Um. So. Let's get on with the story :) Marvel fans, spot the reference in this chapter!**

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I wake up with my head churning with emotions. Last night was really something. I want to stay in bed all day and think about the happenings of only a few hours ago, but I need to start off with the day, so I reluctantly climb down from my bunk. My gaze falls on the empty bunk across of me, and my stomach churns. Al. I quickly push his thoughts away. It won't do for me to wallow in guilt for a lifetime.

 _We have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time._ That's it. I need this tragedy to become a lesson for me, as must all the ones before — like the death of Rita's sister. I need them to tell me to be more careful in the future, to tell me that all these lives rest on my hands. A change in a decision on my part can drastically alter the chain of events. It is unnerving how much responsibility I carry. But then, as they might say, with great power comes great responsibility.

I dress up quickly, and as I pick out Cara's watch from my drawer, I am reminded of her appointment. She didn't send me any further instructions, so I'll have to find some time to see her today afternoon.

I walk to breakfast, my eyes searching for Tobias. I spot him sitting with Zeke and Shauna at the far side of the room.

"Hey guys, I'll just be with you in a minute," I tell Will and Christina.

"Right," Will says absently, his entire concentration latched onto Christina. It's rather annoying, really, but at the moment, I can't bring myself to care.

I weave through the crowded tables to the man I love. He notices my presence even before I reach him, turning around to look at me with raised eyebrows.

"Hey," I say softly. "Can we talk for a moment?"

"Sure." He looks surprised, but doesn't ask questions on seeing the serious look on my face. "Be back in a minute," he tells Zeke and Shauna.

"Sure. Take an hour if you wish," Shauna smirks.

"But don't get too naughty. Use protection, kids! Remember, better safe than sorry," Zeke adds, grinning broadly.

"We aren't —" Tobias' face immediately turns beet red, and judging by the heat on mine, it's the same color as his. "Oh God, just shut up, you two!"

Zeke and Shauna only roar with laughter.

"You're cute," Shauna says, chortling. "Innocent babies."

Tobias throws them a dirty look, before giving me a light shove on the shoulder to get me to move.

"So they know about us?" I ask him when we are out in a secluded hallway.

"Only them," he says. "Best friend privileges." He shakes his head. "They are idiots."

"The best kind," I laugh.

"Of course," he says, smiling. "You had something to say?"

"Yeah," I reply, nodding. "I'm going to see Cara this afternoon. She might have managed to solve our problem with the security, and I need to see if she progressed with the serum."

Tobias nods. "I'll go with you."

I smile. "I thought you might want to."

"We could head out once today's training is over," he says. "There's not much to do today, we should be free by noon. We can go after lunch."

"Alright, then." I nod. "Meet me at the entrance?"

"Done," he agrees, and mockingly, extends his hand in an imitation of a businesslike handshake. Grinning, I use his hand as leverage to haul myself up against him and kiss him, biting his full lower lip gently. A low growl rumbles in his throat, and he pushes me against the wall, his lips questing down my neck, his fingers twisting locks of my hair. But when he reaches my collarbone with his wet trail, he pulls back.

"As much as I would like to go on," he says, and I shiver at the way his voice has deepened and his eyes have darkened, "we have a busy day ahead."

I nod, feeling a tingle of disappointment in my belly.

"Later," I say, trying to insinuate all the tantalizing promises with that single word. The mischievous tug of his lips doesn't disappoint me.

I head back to my table, trying to get my thoughts straight. God, when did I become insatiable like this? I had no idea that a rewind of a year of my life could do this to me.

Will and Christina look at me with raised eyebrows. At the next table, I see Uriah, Lynn and Marlene sporting a similar expression.

"What?"

"You were talking to _Four_ ," Christina says, the shock clear in her voice.

"Um, yeah," I say uncomfortably. Why did they have to notice what I was doing _now_? Only minutes ago, they seemed to be having difficulty in looking away from each other. "What about it?"

"Come on, Tris. You were talking to _Four. The_ Four. The scariest instructor ever!" Marlene says, and I think I hear the slightest hint of envy in her voice. _Oh, come on, get together with Uriah already!_

"He isn't scary," I defend.

"Damn straight he is!" Uriah says. "And I've seen him around for two years more than you lot."

"I wonder if it'll be his fear landscape we'll be going through today," Will says.

"I hope it is," Christina says a little wistfully.

"It won't be him," I say firmly before I can stop myself.

"How would you know?" Christina looks at me, surprised.

"It's just a prediction." I shrug.

"Oh, come on!" Christina rolls her eyes. "Like you don't want to know what his fears are. He acts so tough that he's probably afraid of marshmallows and really bright sunrises or something. Overcompensating."

I shake my head, saying nothing more. She will just have to see for herself.

I remember this day of my previous life as we walk with Lauren and Tobias in a file towards the fear room. It had started off in one of the worst ways possible. It had been the morning after my first kiss. And Tobias had ignored me. I had failed in Lauren's fear. Tobias had yelled at me. I had slapped him. I had run off to Caleb and argued with him. I had been caught by Jeanine and reported to Eric. This day has at least begun in a much better way this time. I can only hope that it ends as well.

I rub my sweaty palms against my trousers as I wait for my turn to go in. This time too, my assigned fear is kidnapping. My heart beats nervously already; I just hope I won't embarrass myself this time.

I will myself to look strong as Lauren inserts the needle into my neck. Then the scenery changes and the kidnapping begins. The ground turns into grass beneath my feet, and hands clamp around my arms, over my mouth. It is too dark to see.

Once again, the ghost of my own experience combines with the simulation. Having experienced practically the same thing twice makes it even worse. I smell the scent of sage and lemongrass on the hand gripping my mouth; I feel hands groping my body. I hear the roar of the underground river everywhere. Tobias won't come for me this time; I will die.

But having been in this simulation once already helps too, just as suffering the attack twice makes it so much worse. _This is a simulation. Get it together,_ I manage to think over the growing haze of panic, swallowing back the desire to scream. _I won't die. I am free_. And the hands restraining me disappear.

I straighten up, shaking my head to clear my thoughts, and walk away for the other candidates to step up. As much as I hate it, my sight is blurred with unshed tears, and as I purse my lips, trying to control myself, a single tear runs down my cheek. I see Tobias looking steadily at me, a small frown on his face. I look away. I feel ashamed; I let myself become weak and vulnerable so easily, in front of him too. But at least it was better than the first time around.

-o0o-

When the simulations are all over, I follow everyone to the dining hall to lunch, and from there, hurry away to the main entrance of Dauntless. I find Tobias already waiting for me. He hands me a short revolver when I reach him.

"GLOCK 17," he says, "Keep it in your hip pocket. We should be armed, should a tough situation arise." He looks at me pointedly, and I know what he means to say — I was stupid to run around the city all these times without anything to defend myself with. Yeah, I was, now that I think about it.

I nod, following his instructions. The gun is smaller than what I am used to; it's grip feels a little unfamiliar. But at least it doesn't bring bad memories.

"Let's go," Tobias says, taking my hand. It feels warm and calloused, like safety. Like comfort. Thankfully, he doesn't speak about the simulation, he doesn't speak at all. We board the train that rushes up in comfortable silence.

He pulls me up against his chest as he sits by the wall.

"Do you think Cara will have found something?" Tobias asks thoughtfully.

"I expect so," I reply. "I set the time with her earlier this morning, and she said it was fine. So I think she has _something_ up her sleeve, at least."

He nods. "We need to talk about your fear landscape." His tone is no-nonsense, belonging to the instructor.

I turn around to look at him. "Yeah?"

"Yes. You need work to hide your secrets from Max and Eric. For one thing, I want you to finish your third fear, the fear of failing, as soon as possible. If you can overcome it before your mother's appearance, the audience might mistake it as the fear of losing your loved ones. Better not have the accusations of failing thrown around, or it will make them suspicious."

I am tempted to retort at his matter of fact tone that it's all too easy to say, but hard to manage, but I keep my mouth shut. I know he is thinking this out for my own safety.

"And next, this is the most important part. I want you out of your fear of the city being destroyed within the first five seconds."

I stare at him. My control snaps. I don't know which affects me most, his matter-of-fact tone, his impossible demand or that he simply expects me to do it, just like that.

"Oh, it's so easy to do that, isn't it?" I say, glaring at him. "It's just as if I am in there for a picnic, not facing one of my worst fears. Of course I can be out of it in _five seconds,_ because that's just a piece of cake, isn't it, _Four_?"

Tobias glares at me for a moment, and then drags his palm over his face. His eyes suddenly look older, and cold.

"First," he says, his voice deadly quiet. "Don't use my name like a weapon against me. And second, the only reason I am telling you to do this is because it is absolutely necessary. Do you realize what happens if someone sees that fear? It brings Jeanine's intentions in the open. They'll waste no time in interrogating and killing you. And they will wonder about this 'genetically damaged' nonsense. Not to mention that if David is watching, I don't even need to talk about the trouble you'll be in. The first five seconds of your sim shows only the city destroyed and people dying, so that is harmless."

I look down, ashamed at my outburst. I am the one who's supposed to be fixing everything, and I am acting like a child. I marvel at how Tobias plans out everything. "I know. I am sorry. But...five seconds... I —"

"Also," he interjects, "I am asking this of you because I know you are capable of it."

I stare at him, my eyes widening. He believes in me and my strength. He trusts me to overcome a fear in five seconds, because he thinks I am strong. A sweet, aching feeling of weakness runs through my body, and I am reminded of the time in my previous life, when he yelled at me because he didn't think it would break me. I wonder what I did ever to be deserving of this trust.

I press my lips carefully to his, letting only our lips touch, reminiscent of this day the first time around.

"You're brilliant, you know that?" I say, smiling. "You always know exactly what to do."

"Only because I've been thinking about this all through last night," he says, returning my kiss with a brief one of his. "That is one of the reasons I wanted us to go through your fear landscape first, after all."

"What do you think my fears are?" I ask him. Making good on his suggestions will take incredible willpower, but I will have to try my best. I am not ready to think about the consequences of my failure. I keep that aside for later.

He looks into my eyes, the dark blue spheres thoughtful. "The first two should be something about losing control... y'know, powerlessness," he says. "I mean, you aren't actually afraid of crows, are you? You don't run away screaming when you see one."

"No," I reply with a chuckle.

"And I don't think you suffer from hydrophobia or anything of the sort. So that's that. And the third is pretty self evident — fear of failing. Which is not surprising, given the pressure you've been putting on yourself and everything..."

I nod and look down. His hand rubs soothing circles on my back.

"Fourth is killing your family. It's not a very uncommon fear. What I don't understand," he says, looking away into the distance, "is why I am in there."

I feel like laughing. Instead, I place my hand on his cheek and turn his head so he is looking at me.

"For someone so brilliant, you are incredibly stupid, you know," I tell him, smiling. Tobias simply looks at me, uncomprehending. "You are in there because I love you, Tobias," I say. "You matter to me as much as my family, and more. You _are_ my family."

He stares at me for a long moment, a myriad of emotions in his eyes. Then he tilts my head with his hand and peppers my face with kisses.

"You're incredible," he says very quietly.

"No, you are —mm," I am cut off by his lips on mine. Not that I am complaining. I forgot what I was supposed to be saying anyway.

"Well, moving on," he says, sitting back straight, a satisfied smile playing in his lips, probably on account of my flushed face and still heavy breathing, "the fifth, it was the darkness, wasn't it?" I nod.

"As it appears to me, the darkness represented the unknown. You kept saying that you 'don't know', didn't you? I think your fear is 'not knowing'."

"My fears changed a lot, this time around," I say, plucking at my shirt. "The first time, I had the same fears as the first two. The third was being set on fire by Peter, then drowning in an ocean, men chasing me, and, um..." I turn red, remembering that fear, "...er, intimacy, and last was killing my family."

"They are bound to change as you do, and your priorities do," Tobias says, nodding. "You are relying so much on your knowledge of the future, that lack of that knowledge frightens you." He taps his chin lightly. "And the last two are easy enough to understand." His eyes turn sad at that, probably remembering the last fear.

"Hey," I say softly. "I am sorry you had to see that last fear. I am sorry I even have it. I —"

He shakes his head. "Don't apologize. It's not as if you can control your fears. I just... I wish I wasn't such an ass."

"I don't even know if all that was supposed to be real," I tell him. "And more importantly, _you_ didn't do it. It wasn't you."

"It _was_ me," Tobias says, a slight break in his voice, "Just, not yet."

"Not ever," I say firmly. "You promised."

"I know I did," he sighs. "But I'm..." he hesitates, "...I'm afraid of what I might do. I might make the same mistakes all over again."

"You won't, if you don't want to," I say. "I think we both have a long way to go."

"Yes," he says with a deep exhale, "We do."

"I got a tattoo yesterday," I say, hoping to divert him by changing the subject. Tobias raises an eyebrow at me.

"Will and Christina wanted us all to get new ones," I continue. "I had already got the tattoos I wanted, you know, that I was supposed to have — the ravens, the Dauntless and Abnegation symbols on my shoulders, so... this is... new."

He nods. "Can I see?"

I nod in agreement, before shrugging off my jacket. "It's on my back," I tell him. "Where you have your Dauntless symbol."

Tobias' warm hands slowly pull down my shirt, his fingers brushing against the bandage, before gently peeling it off.

"X?" he asks in confusion, looking at the small but ornate symbol, yet another result of Tori's finesse.

"It's actually the roman number ten," I explain. My cheeks turn warm. "Sum of four and six."

He looks at me, comprehension dawning on his face.

"I had six fears," I say quietly, nodding. "Lost one of the seven. When we needed to communicate in secrecy, you called me Six."

His eyes are bright, and a lightest shade of pink steals into his cheeks. "But that was before you went through your fear landscape," he says curiously. "What if you didn't have six fears?"

"I took a gamble on it." I smile. "And even if I got ten or fifteen fears, at least this would remind me of what I had, once."

A beautiful smile breaks on his face. He looks like he might speak, but instead, he kisses me soundly. I place my cheek against his, smiling.

"I have seven fears now, seven again," I murmur. "I'll have to lose one."

"I am sure you can," he replies, smiling. "You are as tough as nails."

-o0o-

We jump down near the Erudite headquarters. At first sight, there is no one to be seen, but after a few minutes of hunting we find Cara standing at the entrance of the broken building where we last had our meeting. I notice that she has gone just borderline with the Erudite rule of wearing at least one blue article of clothing — only a pair of faded blue denims with a white shirt and black shoes. I assume it is to confuse anyone who might see her about her faction, since there is no darkness now to provide camouflage. Her companion is similarly dressed. Oh, yes, she has someone with her. Both of them carry a backpack each with them. Cara's companion stands a little behind her, making it difficult to see his face.

"He is...?" I ask Cara suspiciously.

"A friend," Cara says. "You can trust him; he is on our side. He's a great guy."

"Okay." I shrug. "In there?" I ask shortly, jabbing my thumb at the building.

"Seemed like a good enough hiding place last time." Cara shrugs. "It should be dark and dusty enough to hide us even during the day." Neither Tobias nor the other guy says anything against the idea, so we all file into the building, the door creaking shut behind us.

"Wish your faction went a bit low on the all black thing," Cara comments. "You two are as good as beacons in this broad daylight."

Her words immediately set me off. No wonder we never ever really got along too well. "Thanks for the amazing greeting, Cara," I snap. "Pity Dauntless doesn't have a good enough fashion statement for you."

Cara opens her mouth to retort even as Tobias' hand squeezes mine to calm me down, but her companion beats her to it.

"Oh, cut it, you too," he says jovially, "Is this how you start off every time? Jeez, I'm surprised you even manage to get a plan across." The light from a cracked window falls on him, illuminating his face as he turns to look at us. I stare at him, my jaw dropping.

"Fernando?"

"You know him?" Tobias says suspiciously at the same moment as Fernando says, incredulously, "You know me?"

Cara bursts into laughter. I throw her a dirty look, but she only winks at me, her mood lightened by my discomfiture.

"Oh, of course, she knows you, 'Nando; you are renowned for your extreme intelligence," Cara covers up for me, laughing.

"As long as it was you who told, I'm happy," Fernando replies, grinning. I shake my head fondly. Fernando and his constant flirting.

I turn my head to see Tobias looking between Fernando and me with a crease on his forehead, his mouth pressed in a thin line.

"You don't have to worry about him. He isn't my anything, other than an ally," I tell him, my voice quiet for just him to hear. "I know him from my last life. We never met this time around. He had helped me gain entry into Erudite, when... you know," I trail off, not wishing to bring up the topic of the Dauntless-Factionless attack, knowing that it still hurts him. Tobias nods, his eyes never leaving me.

"He died," I whisper, trying to prevent my voice from shaking. "While trying to get in, he was last, and he... he got shot. He got us all in safely. I..." I don't know what else to say. The sight of the same man standing here, so cheerful, once again working towards something he might die for, is like a needle to my heart.

"Okay," Tobias says simply, squeezing my hand comfortingly. In the sparse light, his eyes are dark and grave. The tension has left his face, leaving only understanding and resolve. I am glad he doesn't try to waste words in meaningless comforting or reassurances. This is something condolences or sweet nothings cannot dissolve.

"Hey lovebirds, sorry to break it, but we have work to do," Cara says, smirking. "I never introduced myself..." she adds to Four. "I am Cara, sister of Will, one of your initiates."

"Yeah, I've heard," Tobias says agreeably enough, grasping her extended hand in a stiff handshake. "Four."

"I know." Cara smiles. "This is my friend, Fernando, as Tris already identified. I only brought this git along because he is the mind behind what I am about to show you, and I couldn't possibly carry it all." She points at the backpacks, which have now been deposited on the floor.

"Hey! Present right here, you know," Fernando protests, but still grinning. He shakes Four's hand. "We'd better get on with business, Cara. We are all busy people."

"Right." Cara reaches for her backpack and brings out what looks like a circular disk the size of my fist.

"This is a password-guarded lock," she says. "When fixed to the door, you can only open it on one side. No amount of force can break it. Here, Fernando, explain the rest."

Fernando nods and clears his throat. I am reminded of our Faction history professor back in school.

"This lock has a carborundum body. It's bulletproof. You can activate it and insert the password here —" he presses his nail against a notch on the lock, and with a slight click, the the disk parts like two doors, showing a digital screen.

"I think we should give a demonstration," Cara says, smirking at the confused look on Tobias' and my faces.

"'Kay," Fernando says, nodding. "Four, you stand outside the room and shoot at the door, okay? When I say 'ready'."

Tobias nods, and pulls out his revolver.

"No, wait," Cara says, and brings out another gun from her bag. "Use this. It's fitted with a silencer."

Both Tobias and I stare.

"The Erudite keep weapons?" Tobias asks suspiciously.

"None worth speaking of," Cara replies, shaking her head. "We have only a few, and that too used for experiments, to develop the technology in weaponry further."

Tobias takes the offered gun in silence. He looks at me for a long moment, and then walks out of the room, shutting the door with a creak behind him. His absence feels like a gust of warm air just left.

"Okay, Tris, right? Watch carefully. You'll need to learn how to use it," Fernando says. I nod. Fernando walks to the old, battered looking door and presses the device to the wood just below the bolt.

"It has metal clips to penetrate the wood," Fernando explains even as I hear the slight grating noise and a few wood shavings fall to the floor. "You should fix it near the bolt, so that it can shoot out bolts of its own to close the door. Type the password in," he does so, "and here, press on 'set'. It's easy to remember — only a four digit pin number."

I nod, marvelling at the technology, but a flaw comes to my mind.

"Uh, Fernando, it's all very well," I say, "but this will only act as an extra strong bolt. What if they shoot at the wood?"

"Not to worry," Fernando grins. "This baby secretes super fast cooling bulletproof glass in its liquid form." We wait in silence for a few minutes. "Here, touch the door," Fernando offers. I do. Instead of the choppy, rough wood, my fingers meet a rock-hard, smooth surface.

"Brilliant," I breathe.

"Yep," Fernando grins proudly. "Took us some hard work, but then, it was fun."

"Okay, Four," Cara calls. "Shoot!"

"Step back a bit," Fernando advises. "You wouldn't like to be hit by a rebounding bullet."

The first shot comes at the spot where the bolt is. The silencer is very effective; the only telltale noise is a low but sharp crack. Nothing happens. Another shot follows, with the same result.

"Try the wood!" Fernando says.

Three shots land on the wood. I see small holes on the brown surface, but the bullets just fall back, stopped by the glass, which stands proudly without a scratch.

"Wow," I whistle softly.

"Well done." Cara claps Fernando in the back.

"Couldn't have happened without your help," Fernando says modestly. He types in the password again, and the door swings open. Tobias walks in.

"It's great," he says sincerely, his eyes bright with amazement. "Thank you. You are brilliant."

"Ah, no problem," Cara replies, blushing. "Here's your burden." She jerks her thumb at the two bags.

"There should be some twenty five Abnegation households," I muse.

"Twenty seven, precisely," Cara replies. "There are thirty locks in total in there. Enough for all of them."

I pick up the bag, testing its weight. It's not too heavy. "Thank you so much," I say to the two Erudite members. Cara nods.

"I'd like a word with you, Tris," she says. "In the next room?"

I begin to nod, but Tobias' hand wraps around my waist.

"Anything you tell her, you can tell me," he says firmly.

"Hey, you don't —" I begun, but Cara nods.

"Come on over. Just a minute, Fernando."

We shut the door behind us, moving in to the next room, which is just as dusty as the previous.

"I have done all this just because you asked me to, Prior," Cara says quietly, her eyes hard. "I am betraying my own faction to save the stupid, selfless one of yours. After this, if _anything_ happens to my brother, I will personally make sure that you are dead."

Beside me, Tobias' jaw hardens and his hold on me tightens, but I ignore him. "Don't worry," I say equally coldly, "If anything happens to Will, I myself would ask for the same fate."

Satisfied, Cara nods. Then she pulls out a little box from her pocket. She opens it to show a syringe with pale yellow liquid.

"The inoculation for your Divergent hallucinogenic," she says. My eyes widen.

"You did it," I breathe. But disappointment follows. There's only a single shot.

"Yes." She nods, her face falling at my ill-concealed disappointment. "I am sorry I could only prepare this much. I had to hack Jeanine's computer to get the formula and principles of her serum. I synthesized a prototype, but before I could test it or finalize its formula, I lost all my data due to a major system crash in our department."

"Did you consider that it could be more than an accident?" Tobias asks. "If someone were suspicious of you, they could have used a backdoor to destroy your system and its data, or worse, access it."

The computer terms don't make much sense to me, but they evidently do to Cara, because she nods gravely.

"It may be so," she agrees. "But there is nothing I can do about it. I am at least certain that no one accessed my work; it is too strongly protected. I tried to access Jeanine's PC again, but her cyber security had suddenly been made practically impossible to breach, so I couldn't do anything. It would have taken too long to analyze and reproduce this serum. I had no time. I am sorry."

"Don't be," I say. "You did more than I could ever ask for. Thank you."

"Be careful," Tobias warns her. "They may be watching you."

Cara simply nods, handing the serum to me.

"I am ready to risk everything," she says, and her voice quivers slightly, "but please, just keep Will safe."

-o0o-

"Dinner first or delivery?" I ask Tobias as we sit in the train carriage, the two bags resting on our laps. Dusk has fallen; the dying light of the sun is steadily giving way to darkness.

"Let's just get this done with," Tobias replies. "I don't think we will be able to smuggle these big bags in and out of Dauntless without attracting attention."

"Okay," I say, resting my head on his shoulder. It wasn't until I met him that I realized how silent, simple gestures can act as greater comforts than words.

We seem to reach the Abnegation sector too soon, and yet not soon enough. My heart rate picks up as I walk down the all too familiar lanes. I entwine my fingers with Tobias', calming myself with the thought that this must be even more difficult for him. I feel him stiffen as we pass Marcus', _his_ house. But I don't let him stop, and he doesn't ask me to, either.

We reach the door to my house, but as I raise my hand to knock on the gray wood, Tobias stops me. He slips the backpack off his shoulder, and hands it to me. I stare at him, bewildered.

"What are you doing?"

"I won't be going in," he says, his voice suddenly tense and detached.

"But Tobias, I'm sure my parents will be fine with—"

"I don't want to go," he says.

"Tobias, you shouldn't be —"

"I said I don't _want_ to go," Tobias says coldly. "What part of that do you not understand, Tris? I am sure you can talk to your family yourself."

"O-okay," I concede, staggered by this sudden mood swing.

"I'll be around," he says, "Call me when you are done."

I nod, and knock on the door. The combined weight of the bags in my hand and on my back is not too much, but Tobias' rejection seems to increase the weight a thousand times.

Thankfully, it is my mother who opens the door. After a moment of stunned silence, she quickly but quietly ushers me in, shutting the door after me. I lower the bags to the ground, and am immediately greeted by her affectionate hands on my shoulder and a kiss to my forehead.

"How are you?" she asks me, her voice soft and worried.

"I am fine, Mom." I smile at her. "I'll be initiated tomorrow." Despite the possibility that my world might just end after tomorrow, initiation still feels important. Dauntless still feels important.

"My little girl, all grown up," she chuckles, her voice a little unsteady.

"In your faction," I say. "You were Dauntless, Mom."

"Yes, I was," she says, her eyes misty with memories. "I am proud of your choice. And your strength."

 _It is nothing compared to you_.

"Beatrice?" I turn at the voice, to see my father standing at the kitchen door. The awkwardness is quick to follow.

"Dad," I nod. "We need to talk."

He simply nods, coming over to sit at the table. "Sit down," he offers. I comply.

"Go on," he says, and I prepare myself, encouraged by the fact that he seems to be more tolerant of me as of yet.

"I arranged for the locks," I say. "If you can distribute it among the rest of Abnegation, everyone will be safe. No one should be out of their houses from the after Initiation Day." I pull the bag towards me.

"Beatrice, you didn't have to go through all that trouble —" Dad begins, not quite meeting my eyes.

"Yes, I had to, Dad," I say firmly. "I can't possibly let my faction die out." Dad looks up at 'my faction', and his gaze softens.

I pull out one of the locks. "Here," I say, beginning to explain its working. But my father's expression causes me to stop short.

"It's Erudite make," he says. "Only the Erudite can make something like this."

"Yes, it is," I say slowly. "Of course it is. There is no other faction which can come up with this good a technology."

"I am not using it," he says.

My jaw drops. "But Dad —"

"They are our enemies," he says, his voice laced with venom. "I am not using anything they make."

"Andrew—" Mom begins.

My temper flares. "Oh my God, Dad!" I spring up from my seat. "You can't possibly let everyone in your faction die just because you don't like where this is made! Do you even realize how selfish that is?"

My father stands up too. "Don't you use that tone on me, young lady!"

"You don't —"

"Beatrice, Andrew, please!" My mother cuts in. "Andrew, please think about the others before yourself. Beatrice is right, you are being selfish."

Dad frowns. "How do we know these things can be trusted?"

"My friends made them," I say, forcefully lowering my voice. "They betrayed their faction, risked their own necks to help you. I think it's only good grace to accept them. I am asking you one last time, Dad. Does your faction matter to you? Because if it does, you should cooperate." The girl who talks doesn't sound like me. Her voice is too cold, her tone too detached and commanding. I would never talk to my father like this. But this is a desperate situation.

Dad's eyes flash in anger, but his shoulders slump in defeat. "Explain how it works," he says in a monotone.

I tell them all that Fernando told me. In the end, my mother nods.

"We will ensure that everyone in Abnegation have these and don't step out of their houses. Thank you for taking the trouble."

"No problem. I am sorry for the awkwardness last time," I say. "I should have explained more fully."

"We understand all we need to know," Mom says, nodding, and adds, very quietly, "It wasn't all your fault things went awkwardly." Her eyes drift briefly to Dad.

"You should think up a code or something," I say, "A system of knocking so you know when it's a friend outside."

"You are — you are not planning to come around here during the attack, are you?" Dad looks at me, wide eyed.

"I don't know," I say honestly, "Yet."

"We could do with this — knock twice, then three times, then six times." Her eyes, the same as Caleb's green ones, are grave. Her instructions seem to be to me and me alone, as if she knows what my choice will be if the need comes.

"Okay," I said. "Thank you for taking the trouble to hear me out, and taking this responsibility."

"Take care," my mother whispers. I nod, moving to the door.

"Beatrice." I pause to see my father walking over.

"Stay safe," he says quietly, genuine concern in his eyes.

"You too, Dad." I take his hands in mine. He doesn't pull away, which I take as a good sign. My eyes burn; this might be the last time I see them.

 _It won't be,_ I swear fiercely. _It won't!_

I step out in the darkness, the door shutting behind me.

"Tobias!" I whisper-shout. "Tobias!"

He appears before me suddenly, melting out of the shadows. I jump.

"How did it go?" he asks softly.

"They accepted," I say shortly. "We can hope for the best."

We begin walking, towards the train tracks, covered by darkness. I feel Tobias' hand brush against mine, but I pull it away.

"Tris..." he begins.

"Save it, Tobias." I can hear the bitterness in my voice.

He sighs, but keeps the silence, which becomes more and more uncomfortable as we walk.

"What are you thinking?" he asks in a low voice after some time, as we approach the track.

"What would have happened if we had stayed in Abnegation," I reply, equally quietly. I remember thinking of this when I'd had my first kiss, how we could have had this in a safer place, in gray clothes instead of black. And now, walking through the same familiar lanes where we both spent our childhood, so close but strangers still, I can't think of that old musing.

"If we had stayed in Abnegation, Tris," he says, "I don't think I would ever have met you. And you would never have loved me."

I realize what he means — if he had stayed, he would ave been broken by Marcus, or even worse. And we would never have met, perhaps. He wouldn't be Four. His choice, and my choice, made the difference for him. For us.

The broken, defeated and haunted tone of his voice makes me stop. It's impossible to stay angry at him any more. I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him hard. I feel him smiling against my lips.

"It doesn't matter," he murmurs, "I am where I am today, and that is all that matters."

"Yes," I tell him, pressing my lips to his again, "That's all that matters."

My heart beats fast as we board the train, but my hand is warm in Tobias'. I don't know what tomorrow will bring for us, if we will even survive this ordeal, but I am at least glad of the time I have had with him. I am glad of our choices, and of the moments we spend together. And I am glad that he has been there for me, after everything.

Because as my experiences until, and especially of, today, have shown me, ultimately it is not who we are born as, but the choices that we make that matter the most.


	19. Before It Begins

**I'm a little late, I'm sorry. But Tempest, my new oneshot that I put up a couple days ago, drained a lot of my free time, and more importantly, my imagination. For making up, I give you this extra long chapter!**

 **Thank you all for your incredible support. This story wouldn't have progressed all that it has without you. And a special thanks to Paula'08 for her little suggestion about the training room in this chapter.**

 **In response to the guest (Fangirl101) who reviewed, if you are reading this, I am very sorry for not filling out your survey, but I could not find the page you referred to. If you could please contact me again with the information.**

 **So, on with the chapter. A last peaceful thingy before hellfire, ya lovelies! *evil cackle* :p**

* * *

I wake up to the sound of Christina yawning.

"Where had you been all day yesterday?" she asks. "I looked for you everywhere."

"I had trouble with the simulation," I offer my excuse easily. "I wanted to take a walk."

She shrugs, running her hand through her bed-messed hair, satisfied by my lie.

"Listen," she says, her voice lowering. "I have something to tell you." She looks over my head at the door and then stands on her tiptoes to see all the bunks— checking if they're empty. Most of them are — Peter's and Will's and Molly's, and Drew is snoring in his.

"Oh?" I look at her with raised eyebrows.

Christina walks over to my bunk and sits down beside me so our shoulders touch.

"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"

I blink, a frown on my face. "I'm always a girl."

"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl." And suddenly I realize what she is about to confess. I stifle the giggle that threatens to spills out.

I twirl my hair around my finger. The gesture feelings ridiculous, and so unlike me. "'Kay."

Christina grins so wide I can see the back row of her teeth.

"Will kissed me."

I burst into a fit of giggles. "Oh my God, that's amazing! When? How? What happened?"

Christina laughs with me, her expression giddy with joy.

"You can be a girl!" she exclaims, shifting a little to face me. "Well, right after we had lunch, you disappeared, just like that, so Will said we should go look for you. We ended up walking around here and there, and then just strolled by the train tracks. We were just talking about… Oh, I don't even remember what we were talking about. And then he just stopped, and leaned in, and… kissed me."

"Did you know that he liked you?" I say, despite knowing the answer full well. "I mean, you know. Like that."

"No!" Christina replies, laughing. "The best part was, that was it. We just kept walking and talking like nothing happened. Well, until I kissed him."

"You were so oblivious, Christina," I tell her, chuckling.

"Hey, I was not!" she protests. "Wait a minute," her eyes narrow at me, "You _knew_ Will liked me?"

I just smile. "I think most people knew, other than yourself."

Christina's bronzed cheeks flush a darker red. "Why didn't you tell me? You could have at least dropped a hint."

"Where would be the fun in that? Tell me you didn't enjoy the surprise."

Christina looks down shyly. It's so unlike her. "Yeah," she admits softly. "Yes, I like it this way." She looks up to meet my eyes. "He is really handsome, isn't he? He's so..."

"You have fallen so hard for him, Christina." I laugh.

She blushes even more. "Hey, I've not!"

"Who's handsome?" Will steps out of the boys' bathroom, his messy blonde hair wet. His green eyes sparkle brightly.

"No one!" Christina squeaks. "I — Four! Four is very handsome."

"Aw Chris, don't tell me you moved on so soon!" Will pouts adorably.

"No, not just yet!" Christina laughs, regaining her composure. "Our friend here has a thing for him." She elbows me in the ribs. I grunt, my face turning red.

"Shut up, Christina. I do not have a thing for Four."

"I know a liar when I see one!" Christina says in a sing-song voice. I just shake my head. I wish I wasn't so obvious.

"He might actually like you back, you know," she says, nudging me. "What with that episode in the Pit that day —"

"He was drunk," I tell her firmly. "It's not like anything will be happening between us."

Christina shrugs, letting go. "He's a keeper. The one who gets him is one lucky woman."

"Yeah," I say, smiling to myself as I tie my hair back in a ponytail, feeling every inch of my body filling with a honey-sweet warmth. "Yeah, she is."

We walk to breakfast together.

"So," I nudge Will, grabbing him by the arm and lagging a little behind Christina, "A little birdy told me you finally made a move yesterday."

Will turns a satisfying shade of red. "She told you, did she?"

"She did." I nod.

"And... um, she's okay?"

"No, she said that it was the worst kiss anyone could imagine having," I say. "And that your hair is greasy." Will gapes, horror dawning on his face. His eyes narrow when I burst out laughing.

"Oh, you —" He pushes me against the wall, tickling me mercilessly. I shriek with laughter until tears come to my eyes, unsuccessfully trying to grab his arms to stop their progress.

"Okay, okay, no getting handsy with my best friend if you want us to stick," Christina says, pulling Will back. Will grins sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. Chortling, I join the two.

"And for the record, my hair is not greasy," Will says suddenly. I just laugh, sticking my tongue out at him childishly.

"Tell him, Chris," he begs.

"No, Tris," Christina laughs, using the tone one would to explain a difficult concept to a child. "Will has amazing hair. And it's really amazing to run my fingers through it and I'm sure it will feel great to pull on when —"

"LA LA LA, I can't hear you," I call, clapping my hands over my ears. "Keep your dirty fantasies to yourself."

Christina grins, muttering something about 'bloody Stiffs', and keeps walking.

"Hey, thanks for the support, by the way," Will murmurs to me. "You give pretty good love advice for a Stiff."

"And you are pretty stupid for an Erudite," I retort.

Will laughs. "Touché. Come on, I'll treat you to Dauntless cake." He sighs. "I miss the fizzy drinks back ho— back in Erudite."

I wrinkle my nose. "They are too sweet."

Will raises his eyebrows. "How would you know?"

"I —" I bite my cheek. "Caleb, my brother, transferred this year. He treated me to one on Visiting Day."

He nods, convinced by my lie. We reach the Pit, which is plunged in chaos. Of course, it's Initiation Day. People are walking, laughing, talking and fooling around, mostly with dark glass bottles in hand. They'll all end up drunk by lunch.

Will wrinkles his nose, but his eyes are alight with amusement. "What a mess. And to think we'll be going through our final tests in a few hours."

I nod in agreement. Despite the rowdy entertainment going on around, I feel a leaden weight in my stomach. I'll face my fear landscape today, in front of all the leaders. And my secret is on stake. _Five seconds_. It seems impossible. But if I fail, the game will be up. I'll be dead within days, or worse. More importantly, everything I aim to do will crumble to the ground. My world will be destroyed.

After a quick breakfast, I retrace my way to the Pit. I have to press myself through throngs of bodies, most of them unsteady on their feet. Before I know it, I find myself leaning against a wall, side by side with Lynn. She is scowling at the spectacle ahead — which happens to be Uriah and Marlene dancing, quite drunk, evident by their ridiculous moves and sloppy steps and constant giggling. All around them, the crowd cheers them on with catcalls and wolf-whistles.

"You don't seem very happy," I say, knowing all too well the reason for her unhappiness. But I am no matchmaker; I can't do anything about it to help Lynn. This is Marlene's choice.

"They shouldn't be drunk right before initiation," Lynn says angrily. Now that I have learnt to look past her shaved head, which is what stands out about her most, I can easily note, just like I had before when her hair grew out a bit, just how beautiful she is, with her golden brown eyes and full lips.

"They shouldn't," I agree. "Hopefully they'll come down by lunch. Take care of them, won't you?"

"Do I look like a freaking babysitter?" Lynn frowns at me, but I can see from her eyes that she will. "I'm gonna kill Jerry," she mutters.

"I'll see you during the tests," I say, deciding to take my leave from the mass of sweaty, moving bodies and the stench of alcohol.

She nods. I begin to move, only to be stopped by her hand on my arm at the last moment.

"You'd better do your best," she says, smirking. "It's not going to be easy beating me."

I smile and nod. Coming from Lynn, that's as good as 'all the best'.

-o0o-

I do escape from the chaos of the Pit, but I have no idea what to do next. I vaguely remember that the first time around, I had spent a large part of the time between breakfast and the final tests doing nothing, and nothing is what I find myself doing again. I can't even try to get some sleep — sleep is an impossible feat now, what with the worries crowding in my head. Today, tomorrow. These two days will decide my future — whether I did well to come back, or if my return will cause more harm, more destruction. I feel restless, pent up energy churning in me, a desire to do _something,_ anything useful at all. But what can I do? I don't know.

I end up heading to the training room. The compulsory visits here have ended a week ago, but now, I welcome the familiar smell of dust, sweat and metal, willing it to offer the strength I don't feel in me. Walking over to the nearest punching bag, I start hitting, trying to block out all thoughts and images other than the dark material I am punching. My breaths come in tandem with the thump-thump of my fist hitting the bag, my heart beating at double that rhythm. Thump. Thump. The rhythmic motion and the sweat collecting everywhere on me is exhausting, but liberating at the same time.

I hear the door open. I stop hurriedly and turn, holding the punching bag to stop a recoil hit. But I needn't have worried. A familiar pair of dark blue eyes stare at me, and even as I stare back, Tobias sidles in and shuts the door behind him. His movements are measured, steady. Completely opposite to the turmoil that I feel inside me.

"How are you feeling?" he asks quietly, walking over to me and pausing to lean against the wall, facing me.

"Useless," I admit. "I seem to be wasting the day."

"Most people are out enjoying," he says. "There is nothing more you can do for now."

"I know," I sigh. "But it doesn't make me feel any better."

He remains silent, and walking over to the table in the corner, retrieves a roll of plaster. He gently wraps the strips over my knuckles. They already sting from the practice, but his touch is healing and life-giving; even after being used to it, I will never really cease being affected. It sends tendrils of electricity everywhere in my body. His actions remind me that I should have thought of this earlier; bruised knuckles aren't really good when you have so many challenges ahead.

"Continue with your practice," he murmurs, his face close to mine. "No need to stop on my account. You're doing well."

Part of me thinks that there is every need to stop on his account, the part which urges me to pull him close to me and have him kiss and touch me until I can't think straight, but I should do something worthwhile, so I nod and advance to the punching bag. My knuckles don't hurt anymore when they make contact with the tough material.

I can feel Tobias' eyes on me the whole time as I rain blows on the punching bag, looking at me with scientific interest. This feels like the first day of training all over again, except that every cell of my body is aware of the chemistry between us. His presence feels like a heady drink and a calming breeze all at the same time.

"We need to talk," I huff between two successive punches. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see his stoic stance give way to nervousness for a few moments.

"Yeah?" he clears his throat awkwardly. "About what?"

"Quite a lot of things." I step back from the punching bag, plucking off the bandages from my knuckles. "How much time do you have?"

"I'm in the technical team for the third stage, so I'll have to be in the Pire in," he glances at his watch, "ten minutes. We could talk after the tests. They have a two hour gap before the banquet."

I nod. "We will finalize the plans then. For now," I sink to the floor, my back pressed against the wall, facing him. A gap of seven feet separates us. "I need you to be honest, Tobias."

His eyes tighten at the corner; he looks wary. But he nods, following my stance and lowering himself to the floor. His right hand rests on his knee.

"Why did you refuse to see my parents?" I forgave him yesterday, but there is no denying that his blunt refusal hurt me. A fundamental part of a relationship is acceptance, and if we cannot accept each other's baggage, or at least make a clear stance about it, there isn't much hope for us.

For a moment he is silent, his expression closed, unreadable. He reminds me of the look he had when I had asked him if he was a transfer, my first day in Dauntless. But then the wall crumbles, and he looks into my eyes, tired, vulnerable.

"You were right," he says quietly. "I was afraid. I didn't know how to meet your parents without telling them who I was... or how much of the truth I should tell. I had no idea how they would react to me, my identity, and of us... being together. I just —" he drags his palm across his face dejectedly. "I didn't know how to face the situation. So I didn't." He looks at me sincerely. "I'm sorry. I promised you that I'll be there for you, and the first time I face something I don't like, I run off."

His sincerity and honesty makes me smile, but inside, my heart breaks. He shouldn't be so insecure of himself. He should learn to appreciate how wonderful a person he is, to recognize the beauty that others see in him, that _I_ see in him.

"It's okay," I say softly. "You needn't have worried, you know. I — on Visiting Day, I told my mother who you truly were. I am sorry about that, it wasn't my secret to divulge, but I couldn't help myself, and she promised she wouldn't tell anyone. And do you know what she said?"

He looks surprised and worried, and his eyes ask his silent questions.

"She said that you have grown into a tall, strong man, and that she is proud of you," I say, smiling. "She said she was happy for us, and... she asked me to take care of you."

Tobias' eyes widen at my confession, and his lips part slightly. He looks down, running his tongue over his lips.

"But what about your father?" he asks.

"Ah." I twist a lock of my hair on my finger. "Well, he hasn't really been talking to me properly either, has he?"

Tobias simply nods.

"I'll let you off this time," I say lightly, "but you must promise you will go meet them someday."

"Someday," he agrees. "I will." He looks at his watch. "I need to go."

I nod, both of us standing up. He closes the distance between us in two long strides. His lips caress my cheeks, and then press against my lips.

"Cool off, and don't worry," he murmurs, not quite breaking the kiss. "You will do well."

And with that, he leaves.

I spend the rest of the time before the tests with a cold shower and then alone in the silence of the dormitory, thinking. Someone might call me pessimistic, but I keep getting a sinking feeling of hopelessness about the coming events. Everything seems too difficult, too complicated, for two people to solve. Will anything we have done so far bear fruit at all? I can only hope they will.

I make a quick trip to the dining hall, piling food on my plate before retreating to the dorm. The food tastes like sandpaper on my tongue. I didn't even notice what I picked up for lunch. Thereafter, I somehow fall into a fitful half-asleep state.

Christina brings me back to attention, shaking me by the shoulder.

"Time to go," she says. She looks ashen. I follow her and Will out into the Pit, zipping my jacket up to my neck. While leaving, I slip Cara's serum in my trouser pocket, for later.

The transfers all make their way to the Pire in a group. Every face looks uncertain. They are afraid of being cut. Or of the nightmares that will follow their experience at the fear landscape. I am not. I am afraid of my secrets getting out in the landscape. If I fail now, I fail everything. I lose all my chance.

The veritable wall of bodies clustered around the screens makes me claustrophobic. They hoot and cheer. Marlene is facing her fear landscape now, her eyes wide visible on the screen. For a moment, the image of her falling down, down, down, just like a doll, flashes before my eyes. I push it away, shuddering.

I jog to catch up with Will and Christina. Tobias stands just inside the room adjacent to the fear room. Our eyes meet for a second, and he gives me the slightest of smiles before I walk past him. Eric, Max and the other leaders sit in a row, wires connected and eyes blank. They are watching the simulation. I take this scene to remind myself of what I need to achieve.

"Hey, Tris!" Uriah calls out from across the room. He sits with the other Dauntless-born initiates. Only four of them are left; the rest have gone through their fear landscapes already. He pats his leg. "You can sit on my lap, if you want."

"Tempting," I call back, grinning. "It's fine. I like to stand." I certainly don't want Tobias to see me sitting on someone else's lap.

I wait, my heart hammering as one by one, my fellow initiates are called in. _Everything will be okay. Just keep control._

It's much harder to let the larger concerns — the upcoming attack, everything else, disappear from my mind than last time, mainly because there is much more for me to think about. But I do it, finally. For now, I need to think only of the simulation.

"Tris."

I open my eyes, which I don't even know when I closed, and walk up to Eric. Tobias and I share one last look at each other before I focus on Eric's eyes, bottomless and so dark they are almost black. The needle pricks my neck; I don't feel anything.

"Ready?" he asks. I nod mechanically, and walk into the fear room. I'll do fine, I try to tell myself. This is all about strategy and mental preparation. As long as I keep a clear head and let my past experiences guide me, I will be okay. I have double the advantage as compared to all the other initiates — not only do I know what fears my fear landscape contains, I also have an idea which order they come in. If anyone knew, they would call it stark unfairness, but I don't care. My rank is the least of my concern; my secrets come first. They don't concern just me, they concern everyone.

Overcoming the first two fears is easy. I conjure a gun to fight off the crows, and after being pressed against Tobias and the water rising so fast, standing alone in the tank is no matter. I crack the glass easily. I have faced these fears far too many times.

My surroundings turn dark, and Christina appears before me. I bite my lip, waiting for her harsh words to lash at me, even as dread bubbles in the pit of my stomach. The knowledge that her accusations might as well come true, and only tomorrow, makes it worse by a hundred times.

She isn't late at speaking.

"You killed him!" The sound echoes all around. The guilt threatens to swallow me. A gun appears in my hand, even as Will appears before me, aiming at my heart. My hand lifts on its own volition.

 _Stop_. I force myself to imagine Tobias' hands around me, stopping me. What I can't do on my own, we can do together.

 _I won't kill him._ My arm stops before it can reach its destined position, but my finger dances on the trigger.

 _Stop. Now_. I drop the gun. Will and Christina disappear. Before I have time to catch my breath, the Abnegation sector appears in flames, my father standing at their brink.

"You betrayed me," he speaks, his eyes sad as they reflect the flames, so much worse than the anger they have rained on me in reality of late. "I thought you would stay with us, but —"

My heart beats fast. I want to contradict him, to stop this, but the only way to do so is to control myself. I try to block out his words and focus on my breathing, on my heart.

"Look at you." His words reach me nonetheless. "Look at what you have become. I had never wanted this."

And he steps into the flames.

My lips are parted in a soundless scream, but I don't let myself lose focus. I need to get out of this.

 _Everyone will be okay. I won't let them die._

But how will everything be okay, when I have already failed? With Rita's sister, with Al? Who's to say I won't fail again? It's too easy to make mistakes, to drown in the tide of failure, to lose everything all over again...

My mother stands in front of me, alight in the glow of the flames.

"Beatrice," she says, her smile sad. "You are brave. But you can't do anything about this."

My breathing is still fast. _Come on, Tris!_

"I love you, Beatrice." Gunshots in the dark. Mom's body crumples to the ground.

Something about that scene snaps me back to action, to thoughts of reality. I can't let this simulation get any further. I clench my fists, draining myself of my insecurities, blanking out every thought from my mind.

 _Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do it._

 _"You won't fail. I won't let you."_

No. I won't. I refuse to fail. I refuse to let everyone die again. I won't let the destruction conquer.

I open my eyes, my heart steady. The flames disappear before my eyes.

I barely have time to catch a relieved gasp of breath when I feel the cold barrel of the gun pressed against me.

"Do it," the cold, mechanical voice says. I never realized how much it reminds me of Jeanine, devoid of any expression as it is.

I look ahead. But instead of the three people I had expected, there are four. Tobias stands beside Caleb, his deep blue eyes full of love and sadness. My eyes widen, and I swallow. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared to see him so soon. To see him at all. My choice would have been made before he twisted the knife in his gut. But here he is, calmly waiting for me to strike him down. God, Tobias. My eyes refuse to shift from him. Everything has narrowed down to just us, everything else has fled my mind.

The voice starts to count down, snapping me out of my daze. I need to act. Wasting time in this simulation will affect my overall performance.

"Shut up!" I snarl at the voice, and spin the gun in my hand so it presses against my head. This is a simulation, but I know that I would do this still, even if it were in real life. I have done it already.

My fingers tighten around the trigger. There is a click and a bang.

I open my eyes to darkness. The panic is quick to follow, so soon and sudden, until I can't differentiate between the two anymore. Lost. Falling. Can't think. Where am I? I don't know. How to get out? I don't know. It seems to be all I can think, all I know. This fear is different from the others, toying with my thinking instead of just my surroundings, and I struggle to put two and two together as my hands grope fruitlessly in the darkness. Last night, I had Tobias' hand in mine, stabilizing me, but without him, the feeling of being lost is stronger than ever.

 _Light_. The thought comes to me through a haze, like a signal from a badly tuned radio. To get out of the darkness, I need light. Painstakingly, I put my thoughts together, and close my fingers around a flashlight. Its light dispels the effects of the simulation.

My heartbeat picks up even as the scene changes. This is what matters most. Five seconds. I have _five seconds._

The sky turns red. Cries pierce the air, and gunshots. Blood runs free. Bodies litter the ground. My city. Destroyed.

One.

I try to grasp onto reason. I need to conjure the image in my mind... I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

Two.

Very carefully, I rid my mind of every thought. My fears, my worries, the future, my friends, my family, Tobias. I focus every bit of concentration on drawing the image I want in my mind.

Three.

I time my breaths to the the laughter of the people on the Ferris Wheel in the image I envision. I stop thinking about everything else, letting that single image take possession of me.

Four.

I open my eyes. I am almost blinded by the flash of colour around me. Red changes to blue, the sky is clear. The Ferris wheel is whole, it moves. People are laughing, walking. The lake is full and blue and deep. A happy city. A whole city.

The lights in the fear room come on. I straighten up, puzzled. This isn't what was supposed to happen. I should be in Tobias' room...

But as Eric and the leaders come in to congratulate me, I come to the conclusion, and a glow of satisfaction spreads everywhere in my body — my last fear disintegrated.

I am Six again.

-o0o-

There are a crowd of people in the room — the leaders and other senior members of Dauntless, but my eyes are only on Tobias. He smiles at me. My legs are shaky and I feel a little breathless — aftereffects of the fear landscape, but I am steady on my feet. I stare into Tobias' eyes — they are happy, with the lingering sternness of the instructor and the regular thoughtfulness in them, not the sadness and endless love I had seen in the simulation. I am glad. I wouldn't be able to deal with that now.

I focus on Eric as he speaks, and wonder how a man can become like him; does he not feel anything about wiping off an entire faction at all? Jeanine has trained him well.

I want to knock the needle away from the woman's hand as she injects me, knowing perfectly well what it is that they have forced into the veins of Dauntless, but I can't give anything away, so I withstand the barely discernible pain without protest. Once that is done, everyone walks out, until it is only me and Tobias. He extends his hand to me.

"My apartment? I think we were supposed to talk."

I nod, taking his hand. "Let's go."

We walk in companionable silence. He shuts the door behind us and slips off his shoes.

"I heard a rumor that you only had six obstacles to face," he says.

"Yes," I say, unable to keep the smile from my face. "I lost the last fear."

"Wonderful," he murmurs. He steps close to me, cradling my face gently in his hands, his touch warm. His smile is kind, his eyes searching my face, slowly closing as his lips find mine. His hands move from my face to push the jacket off my shoulders. I shiver as I hear it drop. The first time around, I was afraid. Now, I can barely control my reactions to him. A lot has changed. I have come a long way.

His long fingers brush through my hair against the tattoo on the back of my neck.

"You, Miss Prior, have great foresight," he whispers, now kissing my jawline.

"Lucky guess," I whisper back, my fingers dipping under his shirt to explore his abdomen. Both of us are breathing hard, completely lost in each other.

"I also heard," he says, his lips now worshipping my neck and his fingers dancing lightly on my hips, "that you finished your last fear in five seconds."

I smile, tilting my head back, my eyes closed. "You heard right."

"Congratulations." He adds a gentle swipe with his tongue on my pulse-point, making me gasp. "I'm proud that I was right about you." Without warning, he lifts me up like I weigh nothing, making me squeak in surprise, and carries me to bed. I cling to him, my eyes wide.

"Wh-what were you right about?" I stammer.

"That you are incredible." He kisses each raven on my collarbone. "That you can do anything."

I begin to shake my head, but all thought leaves me as he drops me on his bed, hovering over me. Heat rushes to my cheeks.

"We aren't — uh — are we — going to —?"

He looks into my eyes at my words. He suddenly looks vulnerable, and his cheeks color a little.

"What? Have — sex?" he asks. I nod, more embarrassed than ever.

His face reddens considerably. "N-no. I won't — I won't do anything you are uncomfortable with," he murmurs. I wonder if I should tell him that I already slept with him in my earlier life, so it's not really about me. "I — don't think I am ready either." He sits down beside me.

"Someday," he says, "if you still want me, we can…" He pauses, clears his throat. "We can…"

I smile and wrap my arms around him before he finishes, pressing the side of my face to his chest. I feel his heartbeat against my cheek, as fast as my own.

"I'll always want you, and only you," I say. "Are you afraid of me, Tobias?" I ask him teasingly.

"Terrified," he replies with a smile. And we both laugh. He shuffles deeper into the bed and pulls me onto his lap. I hold his shirt, gently tugging it upwards. His eyes widen.

"I thought we weren't going to —"

"I'd just like you to take your shirt off," I say shyly.

"Are you asking me to undress, Tris?" he teases.

"Only — partially." I laugh. He obliges laughingly, and I trace the flames climbing up his ribcage. His warm breath falls on my hair.

"So, we need to talk," he sighs.

"Yes," I whisper regretfully. As much as I want us to stay like this, forgetting everything, we do need to talk.

"I talked with Zeke," he says. "We will set the cameras on loop late today night. I have a shift at eleven tonight. We'll do it then."

I nod, the light, playful feeling leaving me as he speaks.

"The simulation will start in the morning, right?" Tobias asks. I nod again. "We can position ourselves at the eighth floor by six. The cameras can be adjusted to stay on loop from fifteen minutes prior."

I look down at my lap. A thought has crept into my mind, and I try to dispel it, but without much success.

"Tris. What's wrong?" Tobias asks, cupping my face to make our eyes meet.

"Nothing," I say quickly.

"You're lying," he sighs. "Come on, tell me."

I bite my lip.

"You want to go to Abnegation."

I look up at him sharply. Am I that obvious? But Tobias' eyes don't hold anger. If anything, he looks understanding.

"I don't want to leave you," I say. "But I —" I know there is no hope with me going, but there are too many 'what ifs' in our plan. I can't even be sure that all the Abnegation will get the locks, or if they'll use it...

"Okay," he says softly. I look up, startled.

"What?"

"I understand where you are coming from. Our plan _is_ very uncertain. Staying in Dauntless won't allow us to help anyone in need at the site." He looks pained. "I don't want to let you go."

"I don't want to be away from you," I agree softly. "But..."

He nods, and in his grim determination, I know that the topic had been closed for now. I pull out the syringe of inoculation serum.

"Come here," I murmur.

"What are you doing?" His eyes widen.

"Injecting you with this. I thought that was the plan?"

"But you're the one going there, Tris!" he protests. "Why should I —"

"If you are caught —" I don't want to think about the possibility, but it might happen. "They'll want you. I explained to you already, Tobias."

His brow puckers. "What about you?"

"They won't care about me," I say. "I'm small, and weak, and —" _dispensable_ , I almost say, remembering how Jeanine planned my execution the last time. But I bite my tongue, knowing he won't like it.

He frowns, but inclines his neck nevertheless, allowing me to inject him. "Don't get caught," he commands. I just nod.

"Try to stay out of the way," he continues. "Don't take unnecessary risks. Act properly, and as soon as you ensure things are going according to plan, go to your house, or some safehouse, and stay there. I'll deactivate the hard drive. You don't get out until the simulation is over."

"It'll be hard for you," I say, biting my lip nervously.

He smiles wryly. "Not too much. I do work in the control room; maybe I can act my way out if I am caught. Which I won't," he assures hurriedly as I open my mouth in horror. "I'll be fine, Tris. I'm a big boy." I smile weakly at his attempt at a joke.

He kisses me right on the lips, and there is some hunger and desperation in his touch. He opens his mouth to speak when we pull back, but closes it after a second. We both sit quietly, worried and tense, at a loss for words.

"Tell me how I acted when Jeanine gave me the serum," Tobias says suddenly.

"I — uh, why's that necessary?" I stammer. I had avoided the details during my confession; I don't want him to feel guilty.

"I'm inoculated against it. As much as I don't like our plan B, if it is needed, I don't want to mess up. I need to know how I should act."

"Oh. Okay," I say in a small voice. I can't avoid this now. _Here goes_. "You know the serum changes your viewpoint — your friends appear as your enemies. When you were apprehended under the truth serum in Candor, you said that under the simulation, you thought you were trying to shut the simulation down, while in reality, you were receiving instructions to keep it running." Tobias arms tighten around me, and his head rests on my shoulder. This must be hard on him. "When Jeanine gave you the serum in Abnegation, you — er — went for my throat."

His head shoots up, his eyes panicked. "What?"

"You looked at me like I was your biggest enemy, and then — tried to strangle me," I whisper. Tobias' head falls back on my shoulder again, and something between a sigh and a groan comes from him.

"At the Dauntless headquarters, you thought I was a Dauntless soldier trying to stop you. So you pointed your gun at me —" Tobias stiffens. "We fought. And, well, I — I had my gun pointed at you. But I couldn't kill you, so I gave you the gun. And it — made you snap out of it, slowly."

Tobias' breaths are shuddering against my skin. His hold around me is vicelike. I wrap my arms around him, rubbing his back slowly.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his voice breaking slightly. "I'm so sorry." He looks at me. "You should have killed me. Why didn't you?"

"I couldn't," I say softly. "Nothing felt worth killing you, I just couldn't. I'd rather die. I — I didn't know it then, but I know it now — I did it because I love you."

A moment of silence passes between us, and then he kisses me.

"I have no idea what I did to deserve you," he whispers.

"I can say the same about you," I reply, smiling.

"We'll make it through, you know?" he says. "We'll be okay. Even if nothing else is, we will be." I just nod and smile. Looking into his beautiful blue eyes and feeling his touch, memorized in every cell of my body, I know that we need to be. Whatever happens, I can't lose him in any way.

-o0o-

We separate at the entrance to the dining hall.

"Go ahead," Tobias says. "I'll be there in a minute."

"Won't you go to the feast?" I ask, confused.

"I will," he says. "I just have something to do."

"Fair enough," I shrug, confused, and run to the table where Will and Christina are sitting.

"Where did you go?" asks Christina. "Everyone else went back to the dormitory."

"I just wandered around," I say. "I wasn't looking too forward to meeting the crowds."

Christina and Will talk about the rankings and the job opportunities in Dauntless, but I am hardly listening. My body feels heavy with the worries of what is coming. Our plan doesn't seem enough. Nothing seems enough.

Eric stands up to speak. The sight of him makes me shudder. "We aren't big on speeches here. Eloquence is for Erudite," he says. The crowd laughs. I wonder if I am the only one who feels sick at heart. I guess I am. "We believe in bravery. We believe in taking action. We believe in freedom from fear and in acquiring the skills to force the bad out of our world so that the good can prosper and thrive. If you also believe in those things, we welcome you." He actually looks and sounds sincere. But unlike last time when I had laughed and smiled, I just sit in place, clutching my fork over my empty plate in a vice grip.

When Eric finishes his speech, the list of initiates, now Dauntless members, comes up on the screen behind him.

It's exactly the same as it had been the first time around. My name in bold letters, with my picture on the side, at the top. Uriah's second, Lynn third and so on.

Dauntless erupts in celebration. Cheers are thrown everywhere, fists pumped around.

Someone shouts in my ear. It's Uriah. "Congratulations!" I shout.

"You beat them!" he shouts back.

"Yeah.." I can't stop myself. I drag him close to me, pressing my mouth close to his ear. "Be careful tomorrow, Uriah," I say. "Take care of Lynn and Marlene. Stay safe." My warning is probably useless and may even jeopardize my secret, but I can't care at the moment. All I can see is Uriah's body falling under a crumbling wall, Marlene falling like a marionette with cut strings, Lynn lying bloodied on a stretcher. I need them to be okay. Who knows where my interference will lead us.

Uriah pulls back, puzzled. "Tris, what—?" But he can't say anymore; a crowd of Dauntless-born initiates engulfs him, and he is dragged away.

I watch as Will and Christina kiss, a little sloppily in my opinion. It's an hour of celebration. If only they knew that their lives would be turned upside down within twenty four hours.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Tobias smiling at me.

"You think giving you a hug would give away too much?" he says.

"You know," I say, "I really don't care." People have got to know eventually after all.

I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his.

The feeling of victory singing in my veins as it had been the first time around is absent now, instead replaced by a sense of anxiety and desperation. But Tobias' touch feels as electric as the first time, making it nothing short of a wonderful experience. His presence allows me to feel a small amount of the triumphant feeling we both deserve.

"Before you go to bed, come to my apartment," he whispers in my ear as he pulls back. I nod almost imperceptibly, but I know he notices. Christina and Will gape at us, standing with our hands on each other's arms. And then the force of Dauntless jubilation pulls us apart, and he is lost to me in the crowd as I am swamped with congratulations.

-o0o-

I use the crowd as my cover to separate myself from Will and Christina (who absolutely grilled me about the nitty-gritties of Tobias' and my relationship), and head down the quiet corridor to Tobias' apartment. He is waiting at the door, and pulls me in.

"First off, congratulations." He smiles through the evident anxiety on his face. "You are officially Dauntless. For the second time." He chuckles, and even I crack a smile. "A unique feat."

"Where did you go before the results were announced?" I ask.

"I'm coming to that." He rummages in his trouser pocket and brings out two small devices. I stare.

"Earpieces."

"I got them from Max's office drawers."

My eyes widen in horror. "Oh God, Tobias, if you had been caught —"

"I wasn't, was I? And anyway, that's beside the point," he says a little impatiently. "With these, we can hear each other, so we'll stay in contact."

"Okay. Good," I say, pocketing mine. "Thank you."

"Tell me when the simulation begins," he adds. "That will allow me to stay back for the longest time possible, and reduce my chances of getting caught."

I only nod. I feel a lump in my throat.

We stare at each other intently for a long time, each memorizing the other, even though it has already been done. Tobias cups my face in his hands, and dips his head to kiss my forehead, my cheeks, my lips, everywhere.

"Be very, very careful," he says. "For me."

"I will," I promise. "You too."

He nods, and pushing myself up, I kiss him long and hard. He keeps his head low, our face centimetres away, his eyes deep and intense. We are probably just being melodramatic, but every second together feels precious.

"Come back to me," he murmurs.

"I will," I whisper, and kiss him one last time. "I love you." He walks me to the door.

"Goodnight," he murmurs, pressing his lips to my forehead as I step out.

"Goodnight," I repeat as I turn away from him. And we let that be our greeting for the night, because neither of us will let this be a goodbye.


	20. The Wheel's in Motion

**Hi all! Firstly, thanks to everyone for your support for this story. It's incredible, and more of a motivation than I can express in words.**

 **Just a little reminder — my last update was probably during the time when the email alerts were glitching, so some of you might have missed the previous chapter. So please ensure that you've read chapter 19 before reading this.**

 **I know you have waited for this chapter for long, and I have tried to write it to the best of my abilities. Still, things haven't exactly been easy for me of late, one of them being that my Dad isn't happy with me writing fanfics, so I don't really know if it came out good enough. Hope it is! :) On with it, then!**

* * *

I never realized until now just how loud silence can be. It deafens me, falling loud and clear on my eardrums, swamping me like a suffocating blanket. Or maybe it's not the silence after all. Maybe it's just me — just the fast beating of my heart, just my quick inhales and exhales, just the insane buzzing of my brain. The tension is killing me.

The dormitory is dark, filled with the barely audible, deep breathing of my fellow transfers. Occasionally, the uniform rhythm is broken by soft snuffles and mumbling. They are still themselves now. But only until a few more hours.

I don't know what to do with myself. My eyes ache with tiredness, and yet I can't sleep. It has been several hours since I lay down in bed, but all the sleep I salvaged could probably not even count into a whole hour. I was plagued by nightmares, waking me up, gasping for breath. Mostly though, it was just the tightness of my muscles and the coils of stress flowing everywhere that prevented my mind from closing down to oblivion. I might as well become one of the sleepwalkers in the morning, from lack of sleep. At this moment, I find myself absurdly longing for my first time around, where I had at least gotten a good night's rest and some peace of mind before my world turned upside down. This time, Fate hasn't been so merciful to offer me this small comfort.

Not knowing what to do, I climb down from my bunk and pace around in the dormitory. It doesn't help. The sight of my friends sleeping peacefully makes my skin crawl, knowing that in a few hours, they won't bat an eyelid while shooting innocent people down. It is one thing to face disaster when it strikes; it is another to sit and count down till hellfire.

Helpless, I flop down on my bunk once again. I notice that Peter's bunk is the only one unoccupied. He never came back to bed at night. My jaw clenches. Dirty traitor.

On a whim, I pull out the earpiece that Tobias had given me. Although the attack is not due for another hour at least, I fix it in place in my ear. Would Tobias be wearing his one right now? Would he be sleeping? I switch it on. But instead of the silence or the deep, smooth breathing I had expected, I hear quick gasps for breathing on the other side. Much like mine. He must be awake.

For a whole minute, I listen to Tobias breathing, my inhales finding kinship with his breaths, and unexpectedly, it calms me down more than anything else could have, my breaths gradually evening out. Tobias' breaths seem to mirror mine, and on the other side, I hear him calming down too.

"Tobias," I whisper.

"Tris?" His voice is low but sharp, alert all at once. "What happened? Has the simulation —"

"No, no," I quickly assure him. "I just wanted to talk."

"Oh." His sigh of relief carries over to me.

"Did you sleep?" I ask.

"Like a log," he says. I can hear the ripple of wry humor in his voice. "You?"

"Never better," I reply with a chuckle. He laughs softly, and so do I; the truth is all too clear under our lies. But then, who can sleep under the weight of such responsibility?

"Let's talk," I murmur. The best option we have now is to distract ourselves, since our tension won't do us any good.

"What about?" he asks.

"You tell me."

"All right," he says, lapsing into silence for a few seconds. "Tell me about ourselves," he says finally. "The good memories of us that you have from your first life."

"Ah." I pause to think. My life was short, and between the trouble that always seemed to find us, good times were few. We had argued a lot. We had stayed apart. Even broken up. But all through that, I have no difficulty in finding my precious moments with Tobias. Every one of them is etched into my mind in golden ink, to be cherished forever.

"Well, here's one. When we were in Amity," I decide on the incident, "we were forbidden from picking up fights. But Peter and I argued; I hit him. So they injected me with peace serum. But they didn't take my weight into consideration, so they overdosed. I spent the day acting all crazy and happy... you were mostly annoyed. I tried to kiss you all the time, taste grass, smell flowers.. Ugh." I giggle at the memory. It was ridiculous.

I hear Tobias laugh from the other side. "It must have been very entertaining," he says thoughtfully.

"Would you prefer me that way?" I can't stop myself from asking.

"What way?" he says quietly.

"I... I don't know... happy? Light? Not angry and violent?" _Broken, brooding, reckless?_ I add in my head, thinking of what I had become after my parents' death.

"No, Tris," Tobias' voice is soft but firm in my ear. "I like you just the way you are. I wouldn't have you any other way. It's not that I don't want to see you happy and light. Just not under the influence of any chemical. I like you to be yourself."

His reply makes me smile. "Thank you," I say softly, feeling a lump in my throat. "Okay, now you tell me..." I say over the layer of emotions in my voice, "What do you like to do in your spare time? Like, hobbies, interests?"

It's strange that I love this man so much, and yet I don't know these little details about him. We were so caught up in the events, our time together so short, that we didn't get to discuss these normal, trivial facts like an ordinary couple might.

"I thought you knew all about me?" Tobias says with some surprise.

"I know a little, and then some," I reply with a hint of regret. "Why don't you tell me?"

"Hobbies... eh, I don't really know," he says, and I can almost see him rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I never really thought about them, you know? The situations... weren't really in my favor." I bite my lip, cursing myself for my stupidity. Of course, he never even had a healthy childhood; making him think back of those times was not a good idea. Besides, in Abnegation, we don't really get to indulge ourselves, and with Marcus.. I shudder.

"There _were_ some things I liked to do when I could," he says. "In school, there's this big gnarled oak tree at the back?" I nod, then realizing that he can't see me, mumble an affirmative. "I liked to climb that. On days when I knew Marcus would be late from work, and I didn't have much to do at home, I'd stay on the branches after school, listening to the birds chirping and the wind blowing."

I imagine a young Tobias, cloaked in gray, resting in the boughs of the tree. The image makes me smile.

"When I was really young, I liked drawing and coloring," Tobias goes on. "I had a drawing book and a pack of crayons, and I would scrawl silly things, and my mother would smile at them when I showed her." His voice is faraway, lost in the memories. "I also collected little things — things which were practically worthless but were important to me, and saved them in a drawer." He pauses for some time, and I can hear his breath, a little ragged now. "And in Dauntless, when I'm free, sometimes I go to the training room, or just hang out with Zeke and Shauna. And I like to sit on the rocks by the river at the bottom of the chasm — there are steps cut out in the rocks. I'll show you one day."

I smile at the memory of my first kiss, which had happened at exactly that place. It had made the spot one of my favorites too. "I'd love to see it," I tell him, smiling.

"What about you?" he asks curiously. "Tell me about yourself."

"Me?" I laugh a little. "There isn't much to know about me."

"There's a lot to know about everyone," Tobias says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. "You, for one, kept me on my toes for weeks."

I laugh. "Okay. Well... I like cooking, for one thing. Mom taught me early, and I kind of came to like it. I only know plain Abnegation cooking, though."

"Same here," he says. "We'll have to get the recipe of Dauntless cake from the cook. Then we can make it for each other in the future."

His words make my heart do a somersault. The way he said it, it's almost like he wants us to be together, _forever_.

"Sure," I say with some difficulty, pulling my head from the clouds.

"Okay. What else?"

"Hmm? Oh, I liked outdoors stuff, even though I didn't get to do it much. Running, jumping, those sorts of things. The Dauntless jumping on and off trains, it has attracted me since forever."

I hear his quiet laugh. "Born Dauntless," he says.

"Guess so. I was too selfish to be in Abnegation," I say with a rueful smile.

"No, not too selfish," he corrects me. "You were too brave. And I have a theory, that selflessness and bravery aren't too different. You have more than enough of both."

I smile. "You think so?"

"I know so." His voice carries his smile. Suddenly, I hear him yawn, quickly stifling it.

"Hearing me talk bored you?" I tease.

"No, no, of course not!" Tobias says quickly, an undertone of panic in his voice. I laugh.

"Just kidding, Tobias. You should get some sleep."

"Yeah," he stifles another yawn, and I yawn immediately. We laugh. "You should too."

"Okay," I say softly. "Goodnight, Tobias."

"Goodnight, Tris."

My eyes start drooping as soon as his words reach my ears. And as I hear his slow, steady, reassuring breaths on the other side, I think how talking to him eases out all the tension in me, and how strange it is that we could have this very normal conversation just before an attack that can destabilize our society. I have hardly finished the thought when my eyes close completely and I slip into oblivion.

-o0o-

I wake up to the sight of Christina rising from her bed. I feel the hair on the back of my neck rise, and goosebumps break out on my arms as I see all the inhabitants of the dormitory mirroring her, every one of them moving in synchronization. I watch, paralyzed for a moment as Christina slips on a jacket over her loose top and pulls on black trousers over her bare legs, as Drew covers his bare chest with a black shirt. Then my mind flicks back to action, and I whisper frantically.

"Tobias! Tobias! Four!"

"Huh?" His voice is husky and low into the other side, slightly slurred with sleep, but all in a moment, he is fully alert. "Tris."

"The simulation has begun."

"All right," he says, and from the slight shuffling sounds, I know he is out of bed already. "I'm heading out now. Be careful, keep me updated if you can, okay? But don't run unnecessary risks. I'll let you hear of my whereabouts."

"Okay," I whisper. "Be careful, Tobias."

"I will be."

I am already dressed fully, so I stand and watch with a twisting feeling in my gut as my friends tie their shoelaces, their faces slack and blank, lips slightly parted. Sleepwalkers. All of them. The sight feels much, much worse this time, with me having an exact idea of what they are about to do. Knowledge robs me of the bewilderment that had accompanied me last time; I don't know which feeling is worse.

I fall into step with the others, finding myself looking at Will's messy golden hair, hearing the quiet click of Tobias' door on the other side. The mission's begun.

I force myself into the rhythm of my companions' footsteps, finding it strange and difficult to maintain.

"I'm heading into the Pire," Tobias' voice floats into my ear from the earpiece. "I haven't encountered any resistance yet."

"You are armed?" I ask, barely moving my lips, my own voice hardly reaching my ears. But Tobias' earpiece must have effectively caught it, because he says:

"I have a gun. Sneaked it from the weapons room."

"Nearing the Pit now," I murmur, before falling silent and trying to fix my expression to one of passivity as is upon each of the marching soldiers. Near the Pit, the line turns left. Max stands at the hallway, his dark eyes inspecting the procession. My mouth dries up. I fight back the urge to swallow.

 _Please don't notice me._ I feel just as vulnerable as the first time, afraid of getting caught any moment.

Max's eyes slide right over me.

I almost sigh in relief, catching myself in time.

We climb a flight of stairs, all at the same pace. Ensuring we are not being watched, I whisper, "Tobias. Where are you?"

"Climbing towards the control room," comes his quiet reply. "The cameras should be on loop; I haven't been spotted."

"Good," I breathe back.

"Where are you?"

"Just passed by Max. Climbed up a flight of stairs. Now entering a corridor. We'll get our weapons."

"Right," he whispers back, and we lapse into silence.

We travel at the same rhythm down four corridors. Then the hallway opens up to a huge cavern. Inside it is a crowd of Dauntless. Mounds of black on rows of tables. Guns. So many I can't count. I feel sick.

I mimic Will's movements, picking up a gun, holster and belt. My hands threaten to shake. This feels too much like the first time; I'm having too much difficulty separating the present from the past. A breath out of line will give me away, and my heart has already gone overdrive. This is a mistake. I was stupid to think I could do this. I shouldn't have wanted to go to Abnegation. Now I feel helpless once again, the thought that I can't do anything to save my family, to save the innocent, circling my mind over and over. And this time, there isn't even Tobias for me to find — no source of relief and support.

 _Pull yourself together,_ I scream at myself _. If the Abnegation agree to your instructions, they'll be fine. And Tobias is with you. He's working on stopping the sim._

That gives me courage, and I march past the few Dauntless waiting by the guns, who are very much aware of what is going on. Traitors.

We walk into a dark hallway and up a stairway. Everything is pitch black; I don't dare try to speak to Tobias in fear of losing my concentration and stumbling, and the possibility of a leader being present in the vicinity.

"I'm just outside the control room, Tris," Tobias' voice crackles softly in my ears. "There are two guards outside. But they don't know that the cameras aren't working, so it won't be a problem taking them down. I'm just waiting for my chance."

I want to talk to him, to tell him to be careful or something, but I can't talk. At his words, my chest constricts; I forget to breathe.

"You don't have to say anything," he whispers, almost as if he can hear my thoughts. "Breathe, Tris. Breathe."

His words act as the necessary stimulant, and I take in a rasping breath, and then hope to God no one heard. I'm losing control. I need to be careful.

The staircase leads out to the tracks. The train stands still on the tracks, rows and rows of Dauntless climbing in. I have no reason to stray this time, so I stick to Will. But even as I do so, I wish I hadn't. The gun on my belt seems to weigh a ton; every now and then, I keep seeing his blank celery-green eyes before me, and then brush the image away forcefully. Part of me is afraid that as soon as we reach Abnegation, I'll shoot, out of control — the image from my simulation frightening me. _Don't be silly!_ At least if I am close to my friends, I will know of their fate, even if for a short time.

We climb into the train and stand in rows, shoulder to shoulder, in perfect order. As the train begins to move, I hear a shout from my earpiece. My heart stumbles, before I realize that the voice isn't Tobias'. He must be taking the guards down.

"Hey!" the voice yells again. I stand behind a Dauntless soldier with streaks of electric blue in her black hair, my nails digging into my palm and my shoulders stiff as I hear the sounds of fighting, of flesh hitting flesh. I have no clear idea what's going on, who's winning. The wind weaves through the train. There is a groan on the other side, swiftly followed by a few heavy thumps, and then silence.

I run my tongue over my dry lips to wet them.

"Is there anyone in the control room?" I hear Tobias' harsh whisper. He must be talking to one of the guards. Relief courses through me; he is okay. "Answer me!"

"N-no." The guard's voice is faint, but it reaches my ear nonetheless.

"Good." There is another thump. Silence again.

The train rushes on, then slows down. We are approaching Abnegation.

"I'm in the control room," Tobias says. "The program looks complex; it may take me ten to fifteen minutes to shut it down."

"Okay," I whisper. The train stops. "We are here. The train has stopped."

I hear a heavy exhale on the other side. "Be careful, Tris. Please." He says it almost like a plea, like a prayer.

"Okay," I repeat, unable to articulate my thoughts any better under the effect of my strained nerves. And then the Dauntless begin moving.

I jump down from the train, following the Dauntless in front of me. I know I should not, but I miss Tobias' dark head and lean figure in front of me. I feel desperately alone and, dare I say it, unstable. I find myself wishing either Tobias to be here or me to be in Dauntless. In the face of this feeling of déjà vu, I can't help feel that this is wrong, all wrong.

"Tobias?" I venture, knowing that our chances at communication will be drastically lowered once I enter the surveillance of the leaders, in the Abnegation residential quarters. "How're you doing?"

"Almost done," comes the answer, Tobias' voice tight with concentration. "There's security in there against unauthorized access... It took me some time to break that down. Just a little more..."

I almost relax. Tobias has nearly done it. The simulation will shut down within minutes. I march ahead past the shop where I used to come with my mother to get new clothes. Just a few minutes. I need to hold it together for just a few more minutes.

Suddenly, the sound of a chair scraping back comes from the earpiece. Then noises. Voices. I recognize one of them as Tobias'. I nearly freeze; it takes all my willpower to keep myself moving in the same rhythm. What is happening?

"No!" — "You don't—" Garbled noises fall on my eardrum, impossible for me to make out separately. Thumps. Sounds of flesh hitting something hard. Oh God.

"Tobias?" I almost squeak out, terrified and unsure. All I know is that what is happening can't be good. Tobias is in trouble. My instincts tell me to run back to Dauntless and help him, but I know I'll be too late. Besides, I can't escape. Not now. My heart thumps wildly in my ribcage.

A groan sounds very close to me — Tobias. And then a sharp crack, and then — nothing. All sound coming from the earpiece dissolves into a dull hiss of static.

"Tobias? Tobias?" I whisper frantically. But nothing penetrates the static. Finally, after a few more tries, I am forced to come to the conclusion — something, or more likely, someone, hit Tobias hard enough, and on the earpiece, to damage it. Now the connection between us is broken. And more frighteningly, Tobias must have been caught. Tears threaten at the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision before I manage to blink them back. So close. Where is Tobias? How is he? What will they do to him?

It's my fault. All my fault, again. I should have stayed with him, kept a lookout for him. If anything happens to him, it's my fault.

But there is nothing I can do about it. I can only pray that they will take the actions as I had predicted. For now, I need to follow our plan, and ensure that our decision to let me go to Abnegation doesn't go in vain. I walk ahead, my steps in tandem with those of my faction members. We walk by familiar landmarks of my past, making our way through towards the residential area.

Once we walk half a mile from the train, I hear gunshots across the air. My stomach churns in anticipation. Why are they shooting? Have the Abnegation refused to use the locks? Will I walk ahead only to see the same sight as the first time, of leaders falling down dead and women, children captured or gunned down?

But as the sight ahead of me clear before my eyes, I see it — the streets of Abnegation are devoid of even a speck of gray. Everywhere, in front of me and in my peripheral vision, all I can see is black. The Dauntless soldiers are firing their guns at the doors of the houses, only to leave them unscratched. I squint at the windows, suddenly afraid that I hadn't taken those into account, but I needn't have worried. They have been temporarily boarded up from the inside. The warning has worked well.

I note with a swell of pride and affection in my heart for Tobias, Cara, Fernando and my parents that the systematic destruction that had taken place the first time around has been significantly reduced to confusion. The soldiers are still sleepwalking, moving to the computer program that is running in Dauntless, but in the distance, their movements seem a little uncoordinated. The code instructs them to haul people up, to kill them or to guard the doors. That they are being controlled by a program which itself runs on a fixed set of codes makes it difficult for them to adapt to the situation. The Erudite had not anticipated this. I keep my facial expression fixed in a blank, slack manner, but inside, I erupt with triumph.

At least Abnegation is safe.

The Dauntless leaders, instead of inspecting the process standing every hundred yards, are assembled in clusters, deep in discussion. They look agitated. The rows of Dauntless soldiers in front of me march ahead, ready to shift to their orders at the main street. I don't know what the instructions generated to me would have been, but I have to act. I could take up the duty of door guarding, until I reach my parents' house. I worry about Tobias, the constant buzz of static an incessant reminder of how he has suffered. Will they take him to Jeanine and give him the serum? What if they don't, and do something worse to him? I worry at my lip, struggling to look straight ahead.

"This is insane!" a familiar voice growls, the words the same but holding none of the curious pleasure of last time. Eric sounds angry. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him gesticulating angrily at a fellow Dauntless leader. "Not one of them is out of the house! All locked in and boarded up! Someone must have warned them. Damn Stiffs!" He shakes his fist at the air.

"At least the program is running just fine," the other woman says, placating him. "Can they really not see us?"

"Oh, they can see and hear. They just aren't processing what they see and hear the same way," says Eric, his tone hard and anxious, not holding the relish of last time. "They receive commands from our computers in the transmitters we injected them with, and carry them out seamlessly. We never thought of the possibility of the Stiffs hiding themselves, though." He grits his teeth. I near the spot where they are standing, and my heartbeat quickens. _Act blank, walk smooth, control..._

"They can't hide away all day," the woman reasons. "They have to come out some time. We'll hunt them down then."

"That we can," Eric sounds a little satisfied. "But the wait will be long. That traitor needs to be found out." Something shifts in his voice, giving him the edge of a predator. My mouth is dry. I am right beside him now. _Keep moving. Just keep moving._

"You know, I am betting I know who our little double-crosser is," Eric says softly, the quietness in his voice an all too familiar sign of danger. The Dauntless soldiers before me have stopped, so I can't even move forward. They will branch away in a minute or so, but sixty seconds is too long a time. I can feel Eric's eyes boring into me, as if burning a hole in my skin. _Still, still, still..._

A hand grabs my hair roughly, pulling at it to drag me out of the line. I stifle a gasp, biting on the inside of my cheek. _Oh, God, no..._

Eric's warm breath falls on my cheek as he holds me in place. I struggle to maintain my lack of expression.

"You have been getting too up and close with the Abnegation," he breaths into my ear. "I bet you are awake under that little act, aren't you, Tris?" I resist my body's urge to tremble _. He knows. God._ His closeness repulses me, and even though I don't want to admit it, scares me in equal measure. _Just keep still_ , I tell myself. If I can keep up my act long enough, he'll be convinced and will let me go. I surreptitiously finger the gun in my belt.

Without warning, he sharply pinches my neck. This time, I can't control my reaction — I let out a loud gasp.

Eric grins down at me triumphantly. "I should have thought of it earlier," he says. "Couldn't leave your little Stiff community behind, could you? But I'm curious — how did you find out?"

Despite joining Dauntless, at heart, Eric is an Erudite. Knowledge is irresistible to him. I need to keep him talking, enough to keep him distracted.

"I — the injection —" I begin haltingly, once again pulling on the image of a vulnerable little girl.

"Clever, aren't you?" Eric smirks. "Pity you chose the wrong side. Divergent rebel, you are under arrest."

That's it. My time's up. I tighten my grip over the gun, and swiftly pulling it out, shoot Eric in the thigh. I won't pause to deliberate this time. I know I have done worse. I know I am not a good person; now is the time to embrace the darkness in me. Eric lets out a shrill scream, clutching his leg. I turn quickly to shoot Eric's companion, who is in the process of raising her gun, in the hand. And I run.

I know I don't have much time; the soldiers, wired to detect rebels, or any kind of resistance, must be pursuing me. I can hear footsteps behind me. This is exactly like the first time, only I don't have Tobias' hand in mine. My stomach twists. I don't even know where he is.

Gunshots ring in the air, deafening, but I keep running. My body protests, unprepared for this test yet, but my mind knows how much I need to give. And so I do. I need to reach the alley, and then I can pause.

Suddenly, blinding pain lights up in my left arm. My legs threaten to give up under the pain, but I force myself to keep running. Wetness trailing slowly down my arm tells me of the blood oozing out from the wound.

I practically fall into the alley, the narrow space between two buildings. I hear the footsteps near, falter, and then move away as I sink to the ground, gasping. The soldiers are wired to sense movement. They have lost me. I look at my wound. Blood is still running freely from a spot in my upper arm, a little above my elbow, but a closer inspection tells me that the wound is largely superficial. The bullet only grazed my arm. Lucky. I tear off a large piece of cloth from my trouser leg, and tie it like a bandage around my wound to stem the bleeding. Thank God the bullet didn't penetrate my arm. I don't how I'd have gotten away if it had.

I pause for a while, regaining my breath and trying to steady my jangled nerves. I wonder what I should do next. I can try at least for the while to hide in here, knowing the Dauntless soldiers will not try to find me here. And then what? I'm at a loss. My earpiece still blares out static. Where is Tobias? How do I find him?

My thought processes are broken by a sharp scream. I jolt upright, ignoring how my arm screams in pain. The scream came from the other side of the alley, from the main street. I stumble over towards the sound, my hand ghosting over my gun, and take a cautious peek.

A man clad in gray is being forced to his knees by a Dauntless soldier — a brown haired girl, maybe just a few years older than me. I recognize him as my neighbor, an Abnegation leader. I know what's going to happen next. Before the soldier's gun can point at the man's head, I shoot her, careful to hit the wrist, and start running at them. The soldier has dropped her gun, but at the sound, several guns are immediately pointed at me. I fire defensively, making sure not to shoot at any vital points, mostly forcing them to lose their weapons. I don't know yet which of them is a traitor, but I will not risk killing a friend. My panic cost me a lot the first time; this time, I will keep my head clear. I must.

I place myself before the man, kicking away the gun at my feet and pushing the woman back, who, weaponless, doesn't attempt to attack me. I grip my gun tightly, spanning the soldiers before me. But they just keep advancing at me. I know there isn't much time at hand.

"Why are you out?" I ask the man, not looking at him.

"I — didn't think it was — I had work —" he stumbles, and I realize I don't really want to know his reason. He didn't take the warning seriously.

"Get to the alley between the buildings," I instruct him. "Knock at any house — twice, then three times, then six times. They should let you in." I hope Mom passed the message on. "Do you know if anyone else is out?" The soldiers are close, but not yet shooting. My heart hammers in my ribcage.

"I — I don't know," the man says.

"Alright, now go. Just run."

"What about you?" I hear the man say. "I won't leave you."

"Damn you, can't you just do what you're told?" I grit my teeth. The fingers of the Dauntless soldier right in front of me are tight on the trigger of the gun he holds. "Please," I say more softly. "Please, run. Do it for your family."

I hear him inhale sharply. "Thank you," he says softly. "You saved my life. You have done Abnegation an enormous favor, Beatrice. Thank you." There is a moment of silence, and then the pattering of feet. I sigh in relief. It's done. He should be safe.

Not taking my eyes off the soldiers, I slide my gun back to the holster. And then slowly, I raise my hands over my head in surrender. There's no point in trying anymore. I cannot take all these people down. I'll have to let them do whatever they do to me. I try to convince myself that I don't care.

"Well, did you finally give up?" A gleeful voice says painfully from a distance, coming closer. Eric comes into view, limping on one leg. His face is sickly white and lined with sweat. I feel a sick sense of satisfaction at his condition. "Surrender your weapons. Beatrice Prior, you are under arrest."

I let them take my gun from me. I let them grab my arms and march me ahead, even though I hiss at the sharp grip on my wound. I try to not let myself feel anything.


	21. Expected, Unexpected

**Hi! Late again, a bit, I know...sorry! I had a major exam on the 21st. But with me writing this and Puzzle Pieces alternately, I'm not sure if I can keep up with the one week schedule though. I'll try my best, anyway.**

 **I don't know about you guys, but I'm melting away in here in India, with a real feel of 50°C...ugh! Anyhow, thanks to every one of my readers for all the support. You are incredible!**

* * *

I stumble ahead, my hands pulled to my back, gripped by a Dauntless soldier while two others march on either side of me. My gun wound stings and burns; my arms ache and I gradually lose feeling of them from having them stuck at an awkward angle. The barrel of a gun presses uncomfortably against my back. My ponytail has come loose, obscuring part of my vision, but up ahead, I can see the sea of black parting before me. I don't hear Eric near us; he must have retreated to tend to his wound. Savagely, I hope that the bullet sank deep enough into his flesh, even as part of me berates me for not hitting him at a more vital body part, enough to do him permanent damage, or even kill him.

The ruthlessness of my thoughts surprises me. Perhaps through all these trials, something black and ugly grew inside me, painting a permanent streak of cruelty in me. I wouldn't know the small gray-clad girl which I once had been if I saw her anymore.

The gun barrel pressed against my spine pushes me toward a door guarded by two Dauntless soldiers. I am marched through it and into a plain office that contains just a desk, a computer, and two empty chairs. Jeanine sits behind the desk, a phone against her ear.

"Yes, I know it's not working," she snaps, her facial expression one of the most animated I've seen on her. "But there is enough time — Yes, yes, it needs to be well guarded, it's the most important part — and especially after what happened — make sure there's someone in there at all times — Well, send some of them back on the train, then." She lets out a long, frustrated breath. "I'm not talk —" Her eyes fall on me. "I have to go." She snaps her phone shut and focuses on me. I am not scared of her, but her gray eyes, cold and piercing, like melted steel, pin me in place.

"Divergent rebel," one of the guards holding me says. He must be a leader or a recruit pulled out of simulation. "And faction traitor."

Jeanine nods, her steel gray eyes never once leaving me.

"Beatrice Prior," she says quietly. "I should have known. Or do you go by Tris, now?"

I don't say anything, staring right back at her. My fingers twitch to grab my gun and fire a bullet into her head.

"You almost fooled me in the aptitude tests," she continues. "Your results were Dauntless, after all. Although, your simulation was different from the rest. You picked up the knife but refused to use it. Why is that?"

"My decisions," I say through gritted teeth, "are none of your business."

She doesn't look perturbed. Her eyes only search my face, as if trying to find the solution to a complex problem.

"It is, actually. You see, Beatrice, the aptitude test is one of my greatest scientific achievements. Your results were... curious. Your presence here today proves your Divergence. But my theory is that you may have aptitude for more than two factions. Dauntless, Abnegation... but maybe, just maybe, you might also belong to Erudite."

It's terrifying how she has conjectured the truth. But I don't let any expression show on my face.

"But what interests me more is how you got wind of today's attack. Who told you? And more importantly," she leans forward, pressing her long-fingered hands together, "what did you do? Why do none of the gunshots penetrate the doors? Why are there no Abnegation members on the road on a working day?"

"You are the genius," I say scornfully. "Shouldn't you be able to figure it out?"

"I suspect help, outside help," she says. "A small Abnegation girl can't be capable of so much. Someone from outside Dauntless. Why don't you tell me who your allies are, Beatrice?"

I bristle with anger and fear. Jeanine is clever, too clever.

"I —"

Suddenly, Jeanine's phone rings again. She picks it up and presses it against her ear.

"Yes?" she barks into the phone. Then her expression smoothens from annoyance to interest. "Yes, that's good. Bring him to me. The Abnegation headquarters. Okay, fine." She snaps the phone shut again.

"Perhaps we should wait a little until we put you to your fate," Jeanine says to me, her expression, one of strange satisfaction, terrifying me more than anything else could. "There is someone you would probably want to meet."

Silence falls between us as I stand and she sits, and I wonder if I can break the hold of the guards and hold out long enough to manage to escape. But even as I do so, I know the situation is hopeless; there are too many soldiers, and I am too small and weak to break past them. The streets are crawling with simulation-driven soldiers. Even if by some miracle, I manage to get out, there is no way I would survive. I wish Jeanine would just send me to my death already. At least I would die knowing I saved my family and old faction.

"So are you going to tell who provided you with the technology that's been the saving grace of Abnegation?" Jeanine asks me, only a mild tone of interest in her voice, as if she were asking me a tough question in class.

"I am going to tell you nothing," I growl.

"I can guess that the technology is Erudite," Jeanine muses. "No other faction has the wits to come up with something so incredible." She smiles at me, slowly, dangerously. "It would appear that it's not only Dauntless that has a faction traitor."

Without warning, the door of the building bursts open, and I swivel so fast in the grip of my captors that I crick my neck. Three more Dauntless soldiers enter, and between two of them, struggling but to no avail, is Tobias. I freeze.

He looks bruised and beaten up, with a split lip and a cut on his forehead, and multiple bruises lining his jaw. But the fire in his eyes is still intact, and greater than ever. He looks up to throw a venomous glare in Jeanine's direction. And then his gaze slides over to me, and he stops short. His eyes widen and his lips part in horror.

"Tris," he breathes. He never looks away from me, his stare intense and stern and disbelieving, as if he is hoping for me to disappear any moment.

"Tobias," Jeanine says, her eyes now locked on Tobias. She stands up, her blue knee-length dress hugging her figure. "Or should I say — Four? _You_ were a surprise. I had suspected her to some level," her eyes shift momentarily to me, "but you, you managed to elude me completely. Everything about you checked out: test results, initiation simulations, everything. But here you are nonetheless." Her eyes pin him with the same intensity as they had me a few minutes ago. "And not just anywhere, you were in the Dauntless control room," she says quietly. "You nearly managed to shut down the simulation. My hard work of months."

"Ouch. That must really hurt," Tobias spits out, "What a pity it wasn't destroyed a few minutes earlier."

"I would ask you how that is, but perhaps the answer lies with _her_?" She points a leisurely finger towards me. "Partners in crime, or should I say, criminal lovers?"

Tobias glares at her, and struggles against the powerful hands holding him. "Let me go, you —"

"Let go of them," Jeanine commands quietly.

The guards release Tobias, even as the hands gripping me loosen from my arm, flaring a fresh wave of pain in my shot arm. Tobias moves quickly, his movements fast and powerful, and at first I think he is about to go for Jeanine, but in no time at all, he is right in front of me. He wraps his arms around me, his hand pressing against my wound, causing me to hiss in pain. He pulls back immediately.

"You got shot," he whispers, horrified.

"It's only superficial," I murmur. "The bullet just grazed the arm." I lean into him, tentatively embracing him. He winces a little, but doesn't appear to be in too much discomfort at my touch.

"What happened?" I breathe against his chest, so quietly that only he can hear.

"Peter," he whispers, burying his face in my neck in a pretense of affection. It's not really a pretense, actually, as he breathes deeply against my skin, but it performs the dual purpose of us relishing the feeling of each other and holding a conversation without Jeanine noticing. "He must have spotted me — he called the reinforcements. It was my fault, really... I was so absorbed in breaking the security barrier, I dropped my guard. I was outnumbered six to one."

Anger erupts in my chest; Peter, that traitorous bastard!

"You weren't supposed to get caught," he whispers against my skin.

"It wasn't my intention, trust me," I speak while kissing his hair. "I had to save —"

A pointed cough causes us to break apart.

"While your display of affection is highly... endearing," Jeanine says, although she looks like she has swallowed something sour, "I am afraid we do not have all day for this."

"Of course," Tobias says bitterly, an arm wrapped lightly around my waist, "You are an extremely busy person. By all means, get to the act of killing us. You need to figure out how to murder a lot of Abnegation leaders, after all."

Jeanine's brow puckers, annoyed at the jab at her failing plan. Her tone, when she speaks, however, is forcefully light.

"Don't be silly. That is not how I meant it. There is no rush," she says. "I wasn't expecting this interference, but now that you are here, you will both serve an extremely important purpose. You see, it perplexed me that the Divergent were immune to the serum that I developed, so I have been working to remedy that. I thought I might have, with the last batch, but as you know, I was wrong. Luckily I have another batch to test."

Tobias' hand tightens his grip on my waist. I wonder if he is thinking of attempting an escape like I was. Speaking for myself, at Jeanine's words, I feel profound relief, which in itself is so wrong; but it at least means that we can follow our second plan.

"Why bother?" Tobias asks.

"I have had a question since I began the Dauntless project, and it is this." Jeanine sidesteps her desk, skimming the surface with her finger. "Why are most of the Divergent weak-willed, God-fearing nobodies from Abnegation, of all factions?"

"Weak-willed," Tobias scoffs. "It requires a strong will to manipulate a simulation, last time I checked. Weak-willed is mind-controlling an army because it's too hard for you to train one yourself."

"I am not a fool," says Jeanine. "A faction of intellectuals is no army. We are tired of being dominated by a bunch of self-righteous idiots who reject wealth and advancement, but we couldn't do this on our own. And your Dauntless leaders were all too happy to oblige me if I guaranteed them a place in our new, improved government."

"Improved," Tobias says, snorting.

"Yes, improved," Jeanine says. "Improved, and working toward a world in which people will live in wealth, comfort, and prosperity."

"At whose expense?" I can't stop myself from adding scornfully. "Draining and destroying the factionless and any other faction which opposes your scheme!"

"Ah, my dear, but you think in a biased way," Jeanine replies. "Currently, the factionless are a drain on our resources, as is Abnegation. I am sure that once the remains of your old faction are absorbed into the Dauntless army, Candor will cooperate and we will finally be able to get on with things."

"Except it's not working," Tobias says viciously, and with a touch of triumph in his voice. "You can't touch them. You can't wipe them off." His voice rises with each word. "And make no mistake. You will be dead before the day is out, you—"

"You should not underestimate us," Jeanine says, her words cutting cleanly across Tobias', her eyes flashing. "You have no idea of what I can do. And for your sake, perhaps if you could control your temper, you would not be in this situation to begin with, Tobias."

"I'm in this situation by my own choice," Tobias snaps. "I am here because you put me here, the second you orchestrated an attack against innocent people."

"Innocent people." Jeanine laughs. "I find that a little funny, coming from you. I would expect Marcus's son to understand that not all those people are innocent. Can you tell me honestly that you are happy to have your father hiding away in his home, to know that he is safe and sound to live another day, all because of this girlfriend of yours?"

"No," says Tobias through gritted teeth. "But he is there because I wanted it to be so. At least his evil didn't involve the widespread manipulation of an entire faction and a scheme for the systematic murder of every political leader we have."

They stare at each other for a long moment. I wish she'd just get on and be done with it.

"What I really want to know, is how you managed to get them to lock the doors. How to open them?" Jeanine asks, her voice quiet.

"As if we'll be telling you," I scoff.

"I'm afraid you won't have much choice in the matter," Jeanine says. "What will you do, Beatrice, if Tobias here were to turn against you?"

Her words are terrifying in their coldness. It is enough to strike fear in my heart, but I remain steady. Her plan is perfect. It would work in her favor, except that Tobias is immune to her serum.

"The observation that the Divergent are immune to the usual form of simulation forced me to reassess my own assumptions. I cannot control your will. But there are a few things I can control." She turns and faces us, her face containing only professional interest. A scientist solving a problem. "I can control what you see and hear," she says. "So I created a new serum that will adjust your surroundings to manipulate your will. Those who refuse to accept our leadership must be closely monitored. You will be the first test subject, Tobias. And then we will see how long Beatrice can keep her mouth shut."

Her words, so similar to those which I have heard in my previous life, send a chill down my spine. Our plan is working accordingly, only I wasn't supposed to be here; our secret wasn't supposed to be at stake. Whatever happens, I must be strong, for the sake of Cara and Fernando's safety.

I look at Tobias, nodding almost imperceptibly. It's time to start acting.

"No," says Tobias. His voice trembles, but his look is stern as he shakes his head. The situation is so tight and so dangerous, I doubt he has to do much pretending. "I would rather die."

"Unfortunately, you don't have much of a choice in the matter," replies Jeanine lightly.

Tobias takes my face in his hands roughly and kisses me, the pressure of his lips pushing mine apart. The repetition of the first time sends an unexpected stab of fear in my heart; without even knowing it, Tobias is acting exactly he had in my previous life.

As he pulls away, Tobias whispers, almost inaudibly, "Run."

With no more warning than the tightening of his muscles, Tobias lunges across the desk and wraps his hands around Jeanine's throat. The Dauntless guards by the door leap at him, their guns held ready, and I scream. What is he doing? But then I realize — he wants me to escape. He is creating a distraction for me to run. Except I can't do that. Not only are my choices of survival feeble if I run outside just like that, I can't leave Tobias, not now, not again. At least not until he is sent to the control room.

It takes two Dauntless soldiers to pull Tobias away from Jeanine and shove him to the ground. One of the soldiers pins him, his knees on Tobias's shoulders and his hands on Tobias's head, pressing his face to the carpet. I struggle feebly against the grip of the guard who held me when I reflexively jumped to his defense. I hate to see him like this, but I can't afford to jeopardize our plan. It's the only one we have left. I need to see him injected, and I need to see him unaffected. I will accept my fate, whatever it is, thereafter.

Even in his vulnerable position, Tobias' strength is incredible. He pushes his face upward, resisting the guard's grip, and painfully turns his head to look at me. His eyes are hard and angry, his expression entreating. Silently, I shake my head at him, hoping to convey my decision to him even as my heart constricts painfully in my chest at the way he is suffering. I won't leave him.

Jeanine braces herself against the desk, spluttering and gasping. She rubs her throat, which is bright red with Tobias's fingerprints. There are tears in her eyes as she takes a box from her desk drawer and opens it, revealing a needle and syringe.

I watch as the soldier rams the heel of his gun against Tobias' head; I watch as the needle plunges into his neck. I feel every shot of pain he feels; my heart beats in my throat as I wait for him to come around. _Please let it work. Please. Please._ I have stopped breathing.

"Let him up," says Jeanine, her voice scratchy.

The guard gets up, and so does Tobias. His eyes are awake and alert, although a bit confused. It doesn't tell me anything.

"Tobias! Tobias!" I call, playing my part. I don't have to pretend at all.

"He doesn't know you," says Jeanine.

Tobias looks over his shoulder at me. For a small second, he hesitates. And that tells me. Relief swamps me from head to toe. Tobias is okay.

He looks at me, and his eyes narrow. Then, with a frighteningly accurate repetition of my first time, he strides over to me and closes his hands around my throat.

Except his grip is gentle, harmless.

I stomp over his foot. He needs to work harder, to make it look convincing.

 _Come on!_

His grip tightens, but it still is not enough. Tobias cares for me too much; he will never hurt me willingly. As much as the fact touches me, this isn't what we need right now. I wrap my fingers around those of his, looking as if I am trying to free myself, but instead, I press his hold harder. The combined force of our fingers dig against my trachea. I choke, blood slowly accumulating on my face. Tobias' eyes widen in horror and he tries to pull away, but I restrain him with my own grip.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Jeanine stop the rushing guards with a wave of her hand.

"Do you agree to tell me the truth?" she asks coldly.

"N-no!" I gasp, never once looking away from Tobias' eyes. The deep blue orbs are full of emotions, clashing and swirling like a hurricane — pain, grief, horror, shame, fear, apology, so many. Looking at him, I can't stop the tears from pooling in my eyes and spilling over, knowing the pain I am forcing him to go through.

I don't know how long I can endure. But I also can't let him let go of me. Breathing has become a losing battle.

One of the guards pulls Tobias off me. I gasp, drawing a rattling breath into my lungs, and stumble back to support myself.

"The simulation manipulates him," says Jeanine. I can barely hear her over the pounding in my ears. "By altering what he sees — making him confuse enemy with friend."

I look at Tobias, my vision damaged by dark spots dancing in front of me. Two guards restrain him, and he acts like he is struggling to get to me ferociously, but I can see the apology in his eyes, and the pain. Even as I watch, his left eye sparkles with moisture, which runs slowly down in a lone trail down his cheek. It makes my own eyes water again.

 _Be brave_ , I mouth to him, just like he had told me many times before, to give me strength. But he is; he is braver and stronger than I can ever ask anyone to be, following protocol even when it hurts him so much. Pride washes me from top to toe once again as I marvel the strength of this man, this impossible, incredible man who is mine. I know I will never find anyone even remotely like him, even if I tried.

Jeanine, drunk on her apparent success, does not notice our silent exchange.

"The advantage to this version of the simulation," she says, her eyes alight, "is that he can act independently, and is therefore far more effective than a mindless soldier." She looks at the guards who hold Tobias back. He is still struggling against them, eyes on me. "Send him to the control room. We'll want a sentient being there to monitor things and, as I understand it, he used to work there."

I suppress the smile which threatens at the corners of my lips. It worked. We fooled her. Thank goodness. Now it should only be a matter of minutes before everything is alright again.

"And as for her," Jeanine looks at me keenly. "I will handle that."

I wait and watch as Tobias is dragged away out of the room. Jeanine's eyes linger on the door shutting in his wake. Two Dauntless soldiers remain in the room near me, and two guarding the doors. And then she turns to look at me.

"I asked you nicely enough to give up the information I wanted, Beatrice, but you refused to comply. I threatened you, but you did not see sense. Now you leave me with no other options." She walks over to the desk. "If I cannot gain any information from you, you exhaust your purpose here. But perhaps," her lips curve in a small, cold smile, "You could keep your knowledge to yourself and still help us."

"Never!" I snap, my skin crawling with fear with what she might be about to do. I don't know what she is thinking, only that this doesn't sound like an order for execution. What she is planning has to be even worse. Oh God...

"In your proper conscious state you wouldn't, but what if you didn't see things the same way anymore? What if your thinking processes became similar to your boyfriend, who is now working with us..."

"No," I breathe, my eyes widening in horror.

Jeanine only smiles a little. "Yes, Beatrice."

She is going to inject me with her serum. And I am not inoculated against it. She'll turn me into what Tobias had been last time — looking at everything through wrong eyes and helping the people I worked to bring down. My eyes dart around, trying to look for an escape. Two Dauntless soldiers near me, two by the door.

"Hold her!" Jeanine commands the same moment I elbow the soldier nearest to me in the ribs and lunge for the door. I make it halfway across the room, my small figure offering some advantage in this matter, before a punch to my jaw by one of the guards sends me crashing to the floor. Two of the soldiers pin me down. I bite at the hand covering my mouth, satisfied at the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth. But even as I remove the hand gripping my head, I receive a sharp blow to the head. Stars blink before my eyes as I forget to fight back. Then another blow crashes to the side of my head, and the last thing I feel before everything turns black is the faint sting of a needle on my neck.

-o0o-

I open my eyes, the only emotion running through me being confusion. Where am I? What is happening? Why... Why am I on the floor?

The next second, I find a pressure on my body, someone holding me — but even as I blink again, it recedes. I raise myself to my feet, trying to comprehend the situation.

My eyes fall on Tori.

For a second I don't understand how _that_ is happening, either, but then, things fall into place. Of course. The Dauntless soldiers are attacking the Abnegation. Our plan failed. The Dauntless are in the Abnegation residences. I need to stop them. I need to enter the houses and kill the attackers. I need to help my family. I look at Tori.

"Go," she says, nodding. They need your help."

I nod back, resolution filling me as I straighten up. I need to go now. Someone opens the door to the room where I am, and I feel my gun being placed in my holster. Staring at the pavement outside, I stride purposefully out of the room.

I find another person walking next to me, dressed in black. He must be one of the Divergent, an ally. We stride down the street towards the houses. I need to hurry, or I will be too late. I knock at the nearest house — in the code I know — twice, then three times, then six times. There is a small pause before the door opens, revealing a Dauntless soldier in black. I don't even look at his face. I just shoot.

He falls back with a sharp cry. I feel a small wave of triumph, and I am just about to step over him and rush into the house and check if everyone is okay, when I hear a cry behind me. I turn to see my companion fallen on the ground in a pool of blood. Before I can register anything else, a blur of movement takes place near me. Someone hits me on the head, and taking advantage of my momentary dizziness, drags me away from the door into an alley. Dimly, I hear the cry, "Close the door! Quick!" and the sound of the door slamming.

I quickly regain my composure, jerking away from my captor. I find myself staring at Jeanine Matthews, her gun pointed at me.

My blood boils with the thought of everything she has done. I point my gun at her without hesitation. This time, I won't hesitate to kill her.

"Drop your weapon!" I tell her. She hesitates.

"Beatrice," she says, frowning. "You —"

"Drop your weapon!" I repeat, hearing the bullet click into place in my gun. "If you think I will let you go, you're wrong."

She lowers her gun. I stop short, puzzled. Why did she surrender? This must be a trick. But whatever happens, I won't spare her.

I grip the gun harder in my hand. This must end now.

"Beatrice," Jeanine says again, and there is a strange urgency in her voice. "Stop. Reality isn't how you are seeing it."

I want to laugh. Oh yes? Is this how she plans to sway me? Convince me that I am in a simulation or something?

"It's not going to work this way," I say with a humorless laugh. "Playing mind games with me —" My fingers slowly tighten around the trigger.

"I am not the one playing mind games," Jeanine says with a sad smile. "Beatrice, please. Come back."

I frown, trying to get this over and done with. But somehow I can't do it. Something... something feels wrong.

"Beatrice," Jeanine whispers. "Please. I don't care if you kill me. But you can't let yourself be controlled by this simulation."

I blink. What —? This feels wrong. The words are wrong. The intonation is wrong. Jeanine... she wouldn't ever say something like this.

 _She is messing with you._

But this isn't it; something about the whole situation isn't right. My gun trembles in my hand.

"Beatrice," the woman says again. I freeze. It's not Jeanine's voice, even though it is her neat blonde hair and blue uniform that I see.

It's my mother's voice.

All in a moment I realize everything that is wrong with what I have been seeing and doing. Why were there so many Abnegation members on the streets? They were supposed to be inside their houses. How was Tori talking to me? She is supposed to be under the simulation. Why is Jeanine acting like this?

What is happening to me?

"Beatrice?" I hear it again, and it's definitely Mom's voice. "It's me, Beatrice. Can you hear me?"

 _What if you didn't see things the same way anymore? What if your thinking processes became similar to your boyfriend, who is now working with us..._

The memory is hazy and muddled; it struggles to the surface from somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind. Simulation. Am I in a simulation? Vaguely, I recall the harsh blow to my head, and the sting of the needle...

The image before me blurs and flickers. For seconds, I see Jeanine's figure crumbling to form my mother's, and then back again. I blink a few times in quick succession, my heart rate spiking, the gun slipping from my hand, dropping and hitting the ground with a thud. The image of Jeanine before me dissipates, and there she is, my mother, a gun in hand, her hair windswept, bright green eyes wet.

"Mom?" I whisper.

"Beatrice," she whispers back.

And then, I don't know who moved first, but I am in her arms, clutching her tightly, each of her quick inhales and exhales bringing me more and more to reality.

I was under a simulation. Under Jeanine's serum. The person I saw as Tori was actually Jeanine. I saw Jeanine's guard as an ally. All the Dauntless soldiers appeared to be Abnegation. And I shot down an Abnegation resident, thinking of him as a Dauntless soldier. And Jeanine... I thought my mother was Jeanine. I almost shot her down.

"Mom," I croak, tears building and spilling from my eyes. "Mom." It's all I can say now.

I almost killed my mother. I almost killed the very person I strived so hard to protect. Oh God.

"Beatrice," she whispers, her fingers running through my hair, her head resting on top of mine as I bury my face in her shoulder. Her voice is unsteady, something I have never heard before. "It's okay, my child. It's over. We are okay."

I only sob harder, nodding feebly into her dress.

"I'm sorry," I mumble. "I am so sorry. I — I —"

"Shh, love, it's all right," she murmurs. "You were not yourself."

"I nearly killed you," I say brokenly. "You should have shot me. Why didn't you?"

"How could I possibly hurt my own daughter?" she replies, running her fingers over my hairline. "You are so brave, Beatrice. You overcame the simulation. I'm proud of you."

I just stare at her, dumbfounded. I very nearly killed her, and here she is, telling me she is proud of me. I am not a person anyone can be proud of. I can't possibly be, after everything I have done.

"How did you find me?" I ask, wiping my tears.

"I had been watching the trains," Mom says. "I had a feeling you would come. After I saw you knock at the house and fire, I knew something was wrong with you."

At her words, the memories of my actions flood my mind with greater clarity. Horror fills me as I remember myself firing at the first person to show up at the door.

"Whom did I shoot?" I ask fearfully.

"Philip," my mother replies, her voice lowering mournfully.

My breath falters. Philip. Philip Black. Susan's father. He had been killed in the attack the first time around. What have I done? Am I the one who will make one of my closest friends lose her father?

"Is he —?"

"I don't know." Mom doesn't meet my eyes, her voice quiet, soft. I bite my lip, fighting back more tears.

"You may have many questions to ask me, and I have questions to ask you," my mother says. "But now, we have to move." I nod. She picks up my gun from the ground and offers it to me. Reflexively, I find myself shrinking back from it, a sudden wave of panic spreading everywhere inside me.

"I — I —"

"You have to, Beatrice," Mom says, almost sternly. "You need to defend yourself." In the sternness of her deep green eyes, I see Tobias, I see the years of Dauntless within her. Struggling with myself, I nod and shakily accept the gun. It feels vile and terrible in my hands, as if I might shoot anyone in front of me again. But I can't afford to repeat what happened last time; I can't let my dread of the weapon take over, especially not now. With every second of my touching the cold, unforgiving metal, the shaking of my hands recedes, and when I am steady, I nod at her. Together, we start moving along the alley.

"Your father and Caleb are safe in our house," Mother says as we walk slowly, warily. "We will be safe when we get there. Caleb defected from Erudite. He did not complete initiation, after he learnt the truth about what is happening." There is some pride and affection in her voice. She believes him.

I nod, my fingers brushing against the gun in my holster, but I don't know if I believe him. The thought of Caleb being in our house sends a storm of conflicted emotions through me; did he change his mind and genuinely switch sides, or is he still the spy that I had known him as in my previous life?

When we are a few steps ahead, I suddenly remember that what we are doing now is almost an exact repeat of what happened in my previous life. My mother in a gray jacket which flaps in the wind to reveal the sleeveless shirt underneath, gun in hand. Us moving together, nearing the mouth of the alley. Minutes after a situation like this, last time, my mother died. I can't let it happen again.

"Mom, stop."

She does, and turns towards me, a questioning look on her face.

"You can't go ahead. They'll kill you as soon as they spot you. I — I can't lose you, Mom."

She only frowns. "Don't be absurd, Beatrice. I can't possibly let you go out there alone."

"You don't understand!" I protest. "I know you are Dauntless, Mom, but you need to stay back. Get inside one of the houses."

My mother looks stern, angry almost. "Beatrice, I assure you I can —"

"This isn't about you!" I exclaim. How can I explain to her that my fear isn't at all baseless without telling her the truth about my situation? And as much as I want to, this is no time for storytelling. "Please, Mom, just do it for me —"

I never realized how loud our voices had grown, until I hear that sound. The uniform, fast march of feet moving in perfect coordination. A chill runs down my spine. I look over my mother's shoulder to see three Dauntless soldiers running towards us. We have been spotted.

"Mom!" I shout in horror.

She doesn't waste any time in reacting. Her gun fires, and the first Dauntless soldier falls to the ground, not moving anymore. Dead.

"Try not to kill them," I call out to her. "They may be our friends!"

She nods, and her next bullet penetrates the second soldier's legs even as my shot knocks down the gun from his hand. The soldier crumples to the ground, but tries to move, limping, nonetheless. At least he can't hurt us, I think as I see a bullet from Mom's gun cause the fallen gun to skitter away from the soldier. I focus on the third and the only remaining soldier. And freeze.

I feel like I have been removed from reality and forced to descend into a nightmare. Or into my fear landscape. My mind stops working as every fibre of my being is seized up in violent tremors.

Is this a cruel joke, or a punishment for my crimes?

The third soldier runs towards me, gun raised and face blank.

That messy blonde hair which Christina had fantasized about.

Those brilliant celery green eyes, dulled and glazed.

Again. All over again.

Will.


	22. Confrontations

**This was a tricky little chapter... I had to rewrite parts of it several times until they felt right. Hope you like it! Thank you all for your incredible support. Love you all so much.**

* * *

It takes all my willpower and presence of mind to convince myself that I have not been thrown into the past or a simulation. I can feel panic welling up in every core and crevice of my body. Will raises his gun towards my head, his eyes blank but his stance steady. Beside me, I hear my mother's gun cock, the bullet sliding into the chamber. It jerks me out of my daze.

"No, Mom!" I shout. "He's my friend." She looks wary but lowers the gun all the same, just a little, to consider the next step.

We are both distracted. Will shoots.

"Beatrice!" Mother yells, diving aside. Her cry allows me to jump away just in time, landing heavily on my left arm. Pain shoots out like a lightning strike in my gun wound. Another shot rings out from Will's gun. Sinking my teeth sharply into my lower lip to keep myself from screaming, I roll away just as Will's bullet cracks against the road exactly where my head had been only a second ago.

Through my peripheral vision, I see Mom's eyes narrow, her gun rising at Will in perfect aim, her mouth flat in a decisive line. I need to act.

"Mom, stop!" I call. I have to stop Will now, or it will be reduced to a death match again. I can't lose him or Mom, anyone. Painfully, I twist myself to point my gun at Will. But I am too slow, I'll be too late. Will's fingers are tight on the trigger; he will kill me.

My mother suddenly fires at the opposite wall, the sound distracting Will. The program causes him to hesitate a little, to become indecisive about which target to go for first — Mom or me. I take the opportunity immediately. _Aim. Shoot. Don't mess up._ I breath in, aiming by looking with one eye, letting my world narrow down to Will's hand. _No mistakes this time._ And I shoot.

The gun drops from Will's hand with a clatter as blood spurts from his wrist. He moves to retrieve the gun, a soldier wired to fight till his heart stops beating, but just then, Mom lunges forward and brings her gun down hard to Will's head. The light leaves his eyes and he crumples to the ground, unconscious.

For a second, there is throbbing, pulsing silence, broken only by the distant gunshots — failed attempts of Dauntless soldiers to gain entry into the houses, and my own harsh breathing. My mother stares down at Will's crumpled figure, her posture emitting fierceness like an avenging angel, and then she turns to me and helps me up. Her breathing is a little unsteady, but her grip on my body is incredibly soft and gentle.

"Are you okay?" she asks quietly.

"Yes," I reply, my voice low. We won't make the mistake of talking loudly again. My arm throbs all over, and I think there is a cut on my cheek, judging from the pain, but I ignore it. I look at Will.

"Will, is he —"

Mom walks back to him, turning him over to check his pulse and breathing.

"He is fine," she says with a small smile. "Just knocked out. I wasn't sure it would work, what with him working under the simulation."

"Thank you," I whisper to her, my voice slightly unsteady. The realization that this is all over — that both Will and I are alive, that I didn't kill him, again, is only just sinking in. "For saving both of our lives."

Mom only smiles. "We should go," she says.

I nod. "Where can we go?"

"The closest house is the Blacks'," Mom replies. "I pushed you into the alley right next to that."

At her words, my chest constricts. How can I possibly go into their house, after shooting Mr Black? Why should they even let me in?

"Could you help me carry your friend?" My mother's voice brings me back to attention. "I know you are hurt, but I am afraid he is too heavy for one of us to carry."

Mechanically, I nod, and together, we lift Will up. He _is_ heavy, and our steps are awkward and slow as we try to coordinate our movements. My body screams in protest, and sweat breaks out on my forehead at the exertion. We move closer to the main street. I can see the distant mass of black and gun metal.

"How can we move without being noticed?" I gasp.

Mom stops, thinking. "I have an idea," she says slowly. "It is not going to be very good for your friend, but it is the best chance we have got."

"Whatever you say," I agree, and we lower Will to the ground. Mom removes her gray jacket, then opens Will's jacket and pulls it on, buttoning it up quickly. It is a size too large, but that helps to completely cover her gray shirt.

"Put my jacket over him," she instructs, and I follow. "I can only hope they won't notice my trousers."

I look at her critically, and truly, the first thing that catches the eye isn't the gray legs, but the black jacket. This should work. I understand what we are trying. We are going to act again, making Will look like an Abnegation prisoner, and ourselves brainwashed soldiers. Once we are ready, Mom grabs Will by the collar and starts dragging him, his head lolling and feet dragging against the road. As we approach the crossroad, I see her arranging her facial features into careful blankness, although her eyes are tight with the strain of dragging Will. I do the same.

We march out into the streets, looking like two Dauntless soldiers. Fortunately for us, there aren't any leaders nearby, only simulation driven individuals, and no one questions our synchronized movements and the gray-clad Will between us. We are not noticed at all.

We make our way to the Blacks' house. Mom knocks quickly in the pre-planned arrangement.

"Will they open at all?" I ask in a whisper, my heart thumping wildly in my ribcage at the uncertainty. The first time they did, a family member was murdered. Who would repeat that?

But surprising me, the door opens, only by a crack this time. A scared face gazes at my mother. I think it is Mrs Black.

 _Abnegation_ , a voice whispers knowingly in my head, _They are so selfless that they'd rather die than leaving someone in need outside._ Almost to the point of stupidity. Just like Dauntless, brave to the point of idiocy.

"It's Natalie," Mom whispers. "Please let us in."

There is a quick nod from the other side, then and Mom is quickly crossing over the threshold, pulling Will in with her. She looks at me expectantly.

"Beatrice," she says. "Get inside."

But I cannot move.

"Beatrice," Mom says again, sounding a little impatient, "What are you waiting for?"

"I can't go."

Mom's jaw slackens in shock. "Don't be difficult," she whispers urgently. "There is not much time. If the soldiers notice the door open, they will kill us all."

But I can't go in. I focus only on my mother, determined not to let my eyes catch Mrs Black's, if she is still there. Several thoughts collide in my brain. Guilt and discomfort for what I did to Mr Black, and standing here asking for shelter after that. But more importantly, thoughts about Tobias. I have no provision to know exactly how much time has passed since we parted, but I am quite sure that enough time has passed for him to stop the simulation. I was put under simulation, broke through it, faced Will, and now am here at the Blacks' doorstep. It should be quite long. But then why are the Dauntless out on the streets still sleepwalking? Something is definitely amiss. I need to find Tobias.

 _Go to your house, or some safehouse, and stay there_. Tobias' instructions ring in my head. But I can't stay here. I have seen that Abnegation is safe. Jeanine's plan has failed. My purpose here has been served. Now I need to know that Tobias is safe. I need to go to Dauntless. Maybe Tobias is fine, just struggling with the program. But my instincts tell me that something is wrong, and I will follow them as I have done before.

"I'm going to Dauntless," I say.

Mom looks at me disbelievingly. "Why—"

"Tobias," I say. "I'm worried."

Three words are enough to tell her all she seems to want to know. Resignation washes over her face, ageing her, but there is steely determination in her eyes.

"I will go with you," she says.

"Mom, no!" I breathe out. "You must stay here. For Will," I add when she looks mutinous. "The soldiers outside don't know me. Please. I need to you to be here. Take care of my friend."

She looks uncertain. "If that is what —"

Suddenly, there is a cry of recognition from the street. Gunshots ring out, and a bullet cracks against the wall of the house inches beside me. I gasp, spinning around to see Dauntless soldiers firing at me, commanded by a leader who must have spotted me. I took too much time. There is no chance for me to pretend anymore.

"Beatrice!" my mother screams. I duck as another shot is fired at me.

"Shut the door!" I call out. "Quick!" I turn briefly to look at Mom. "Mr Black..." I say hesitatingly.

"I'll ask about him," Mom says with a quick nod. "Move! Now!" Her green eyes are alarmed and helpless, like she already knows that despite everything, I will move away from the house. I have never appreciated how beautiful they are. I look at her for one last second, savoring her appearance amidst the cacophony of gunshots, even as that single second seems to envelope us.

Then I run. Behind me, I hear the door shut.

I have no idea how I manage to survive. I run down the streets, shooting randomly at the soldiers behind me, all the time concentrating away from the vital parts like the chest of the stomach. The houses pass by, just gray blurs as I run, my thoughts on the edge of panic. My arm hurts, and my legs are almost devoid of feeling. _How long?_ I wonder dully. What was I thinking? I'll never make it anywhere, let alone Dauntless. I'm surprised that none of the bullets have touched me, or that my body hasn't given out yet. It won't be long before either of that happens.

But there is some peace mingled in the adrenaline, some good thoughts in this situation. I marvel at my mother's faith in me. She understands my feelings. She understands how much I love Tobias, and why I need to be with him, even though no words were spoken. I am grateful to her. As I run without much sense of direction, I feel relief spill through me. I saved Mom and Dad, and Will too, even though I hurt him. I believe I did not kill any Dauntless soldier, friend or foe. However this situation ends, the blood on my hands is less this time. _Mr Black. What about him?_ My inner voice sneers. I immediately feel crushed. What delusion was I under? I shot a man without a thought. I feel a crushing wave of guilt wash over me.

I turn around to see soldiers still pursuing me. How long will I last? If by some chance, I manage to reach the intersection of North and Fairfield, I'll reach the basement where most of Abnegation had hidden last time. The tracks will be easy to reach from there, away from the direction of the Abnegation residences. But the main problem is, I won't survive till then. The bullets fly past me, only narrowly avoiding me. I thank whatever God is up there for allowing me this much.

My chest hurts, my breaths coming in wheezes. The gun in my hand weighs a ton. Dark spots dance before my eyes. _Come, on, just keep it going!_ I don't want to die now, not again. It will be punishing Tobias the same way all over again.

Dimly, I think I hear someone call my name. I must be hallucinating. But automatically, my head turns in the direction of the voice.

Ahead of me, the door of one of the houses is open by a crack. Caleb is staring at me.

Urgently, he beckons me to move towards him.

I am out of options. I can't make it to the tracks in one piece. My feet automatically carry me towards him. The bullets follow. But even as they pepper the walls and the door, he pulls me in. The adrenaline washes out of my system as I hear the door close behind me. My legs shake and my knees buckle, causing me to sink to the floor. My entire body trembles violently. I hear Caleb crouch down beside me. His hand gently touches my cheek.

"Beatrice." His voice is gentle, soothing. I look up into his green eyes. He wears gray clothes again. In this moment of exhaustion, everything else I have known about Caleb — his blue attire, his betrayal — everything feels dreamlike. Maybe I am just that desperate for comfort, because at the moment, I just want to hold onto him and never let go.

"Caleb," I whisper. "How did you know I'd be here?"

"I was looking through a crack in the boards." He jerks his thumb towards the front window. "I saw you."

"It was stupid," I mutter. "The soldiers could have caught you. Or got in."

"Maybe." He shrugs. "You're my sister. Worth it." _Am I?_ I wonder, thinking back to when he had sold me off to Jeanine. How much of Caleb is sincerity, and how much is an act?

Footsteps make me look up to see my father enter the living room. It is still difficult to believe that I am in the safety of _my house._ I have been enormously lucky.

"Did Mom find you?" Caleb asks. I nod. Now that everything else has shifted to the background, the adrenaline having receded, the pain from my wound demands my attention. Spreading my legs on the floor, I reach to undo the makeshift bandage I had prepared using the material of my trouser. Fresh pain lights up in my arm as I remove the piece of cloth, dirty and soiled from blood and dust. Blood starts flowing from the wound again. Wincing, I let the bloodied cloth drop to the floor.

"Oh God." Caleb's eyes widen. "Where you shot?"

"Flesh wound," I say, shrugging, and flinch as the movement hurts. "The bullet grazed through."

"Come inside," my father says. I never noticed how close he was until now, crouching next to me. "We need to get it cleaned."

I move deeper into the familiar surroundings of my house, letting Caleb push me gently into a chair. He brings out a first-aid kit. Dad offers me a bottle of water. I take a quick drink, grateful for the cool liquid running down my throat. I never realized how parched my throat was.

"Where is your mother?" Dad asks as he settles down in a chair facing me. "I thought she was with you." His eyes aren't entirely forgiving still, but they mostly contain concern as they look at me.

"She was," I say. "She is with the Blacks. One of my friends needed help." I don't speak about how I nearly killed her, and how I shot his colleague. "I was —" I wince as Caleb lifts my arm to inspect the wound, "I was chased by the Dauntless soldiers."

He nods somberly, watching as Caleb rolls up my shirt sleeve all the way to the shoulder. The Abnegation tattoo stares up at them. Both my father and brother stare at them with both fascination and shock.

"I'm surprised this wound isn't infected," Caleb murmurs, snapping out of his daze to wipe away the blood from my arm. "It's dreadfully dirty." He dips a small, clean piece of cloth in a bowl to clean the wound. I hiss as he follows it up with antiseptic.

"Well I'm sorry I couldn't walk to the hospital and get it fixed," I say tersely. "I wasn't exactly having a ball out there."

Caleb looks at me for a moment, and then at my father, and then they both laugh.

"What's so funny?" I grumble.

"I never thought we'd be together again," Caleb says.

"Mom said you'd be here," I say.

Caleb nods while wrapping a clean bandage tightly around my arm. "I did what you said —what Mom said," he says. "I researched the simulation serum and found out that Jeanine was working to develop long-range transmitters for the serum so its signal could stretch farther, which led me to information about Erudite and Dauntless... I found that you were right about the attack." He looks at me, his eyes asking a single question — _How did you know?_ I shake my head, not revealing anything. "...anyway, I dropped out of initiation when I figured out what was happening. I would have talked to you, but it was too late," he says. "I'm factionless now."

I nod, but I still don't know if I can trust him. He had said the same thing before, and he had been a traitor.

"No, you aren't," my father says sternly. "You're with us."

But I hardly hear his words; my attention has suddenly been snapped to the person who has entered the dining area from the inner hallway.

"You," I hiss, anger filling every cell of my body at the sight of _that_ man, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Now, Beatrice —" my father begins, but I am not listening. I glare daggers at the man standing before me, wearing that infuriating, and misleadingly mild expression.

"Forgive her, Andrew," Marcus Eaton says, "Beatrice has been through a very difficult situation; I am sure she is a little... shaken, in mind."

"Are you calling me unstable?" I snarl. "You —"

"Beatrice!" My father stands up, frowning at me. "I will _not_ have you talk to my colleague like that. Marcus is here because he came to talk to us about the attack last night, and we invited him to stay with us for the time being, as he has no family left."

"Because of his own actions," I grit out.

"Beatrice," Caleb says warningly, but I ignore him.

"Tobias warned you, didn't he?" I demand. "That's how you knew. He warned you of the attack even before my parents did." It makes sense. That must have been where Tobias went when I went in to give my parents the locks.

"I don't know what you are talking about," Marcus says smoothly. "Tobias hasn't been in contact with me since he went to Dauntless." He gives a heavy sigh. My skin crawls. "I miss him. It would be good to see him again."

I don't know how it happens. Before I know it, I am out of my seat and in front of Marcus, my fist colliding sharply with his nose. He stumbles back with a gasp, his hand flying to his nose. It drips blood.

"You liar," I hiss, "How dare you pretend to miss Tobias, after everything you've done? How dare you speak about wanting him back? Is it because you miss your personal punching bag —"

There is a sudden movement near me, and a sharp pain to my cheek shuts me up. I stare from Marcus to my father, standing beside him with his hand still raised. He looks angry and wary, like he has seen something dangerous in me. My hand rises to my cheek. It stings. I am sure it's red with blush-blood.

"Dad!" Caleb protests. Our parents have never hit us. Ever. Until now.

"I did not raise you to act like a barbarian, Beatrice," my father says coldly. "My daughter would not raise her hand at an elder, respected member of the society. Apologize to him."

Some other day, I would have cried. Now, my eyes stay dry and hard.

"I won't," I say resolutely. My father is outright glaring at me now. "I won't apologize for something he deserves. He abused his son. Beat him mercilessly. He hit his wife! He is a sadist!"

"She has been misled by the Erudite reports," Marcus says, his voice mild, but his eyes, Tobias' eyes, hold animalistic anger as he looks at me.

"The Erudite have only ever got one thing right about Abnegation," I say quietly, "and it is this. And I know this because I know Tobias."

Shock springs in Dad's and Caleb's eyes at my admission. But Marcus doesn't move a muscle.

"Of course he would tell you that," he says with a cold smile. "He was always ungrateful, dissatisfied with what he had."

"What she says isn't the truth, is it, Marcus?" Dad says with some suspicion. I don't know what caused him to doubt Marcus at all — that I keep repeating the same story again and again, or my direct association with Tobias.

"Of course not," Marcus says with a very convincing smile. "I would never dream of doing such a thing."

My hand reaches for the gun in my holster. With a steady hand, I bring it to Marcus' temple. My breathing is steady. I am in control. I feel Marcus stiffen.

"Beatrice!" Dad moves towards me, his expression alarmed. Even Caleb looks like he is about to stop me. Calmly, I swing my gun at them in an arc.

"Don't," I say quietly. "Don't try to interfere with the truth." They stop.

"Beatrice, I don't know what that faction did to you —" my father begins, but I ignore him, turning back to point my gun at Marcus.

"Tell them the truth, or I will kill you," I tell him. "I won't have you living with your monstrous lies another day."

"Beatrice, stop," Marcus breathes out soothingly, his eyes wide. "You don't know what you are doing —"

"Trust me, I do." I laugh a little, bitterly. "I would be doing the world a service by killing you. The only reason I'm not," I say so quietly the others in the room won't hear, "is because Tobias should be the one doing that. But if you don't speak the truth, I swear I will. Now, speak."

"I — I —" For the first time in his life, Marcus seems lost for words. "It was for their own good. They aggravated me — especially the boy — after Evelyn died —"

"Lying again." I press the gun barrel hard into his skull. "Spill." I don't know when I became like this. I feel more like Lynn than myself. But at the moment, this feels right.

"Fine!" Marcus growls, his mask finally slipping off to show the cruel, despicable man beneath. "I hit Evelyn. She was ungrateful, unworthy! She would be unreasonable, infuriating — and then she had the nerve to get involved with that factionless scum! If she hadn't run away, I'd have killed her with my own hands!"

"Ran away? You said she died at childbirth!" my father exclaims, his eyes wide and face ashen.

"Go on," I say in a low voice. I know all these facts, but hearing the admission from the man's own lips sends a chill down my spine. "You abused Tobias."

"It was for his own good." Marcus seems to have regained his composure by now. He looks almost calm. "I had to ensure that he did not become selfish like his mother. That he remained true to the faction he was born in. Sometimes, pain is necessary for the greater good." He sighs a little, his voice once again the same smooth, manipulating tone which caused him to rise as a leader. I half expect my father to be convinced by his point of view. But when I look at him, he his breathing harshly, his face pale.

"What did you do to him?" he asks, horrified.

"He beat him," I say. "Sometimes with his bare hands, more often with his belt. He locked him up in the closet for days on end." My voice is shaking by the time I finish, but even as I speak, I know that this is barely half of what Tobias has been through, and I don't know the rest of it. It makes me feel guilty and sick at heart.

"Is that true?" Dad whispers. He looks like he is about to be sick. I press my gun harder against Marcus' head, silently warning him not to lie. Marcus nods jerkily.

"You — you monster!" my father exclaims. "We trusted you! We all looked up to you. And all this time — you —"

I remove the gun from Marcus' head. I have done my job. Even as I hear Dad accusing and arguing with Marcus and the latter's useless attempts at winning back his support, I walk out of the room towards the staircase and sit down on a stair, my face in my hands. I feel tired, drained. But I cannot stop here, as much as the safety and comfort of my home calls to me; it has been a good ten minutes since I left my mother, and I can still distantly hear gunshots in the street outside. The simulation is still running. Something has to be wrong with Tobias. I have to go to the Dauntless headquarters. Now.

"I never thought he was like this." I look up to see Caleb walking in. The sounds of Dad and Marcus arguing in the dining area are still audible. He sits on the step, beside me. His green eyes are so bright. "All this years... he was a monster." He shakes his head, and then looks at me. "How did you know the truth about Marcus? You told us about him on Choosing Day too." He looks curious, desirous of knowledge. So Erudite.

I simply shake my head, avoiding his question. "What about you?"

Caleb looks at me, confused. "What about me?"

"Why are you here, Caleb?"

"I told you, I defected. When I found out about the Erudite's plans —"

"Did you?" I look at him steadily. I want him to be honest, to be _my brother_ again, but even as I look at him, I keep getting a sinking feeling in my gut. "Or are you going to go back to Jeanine after this? How long has she groomed you to be her perfect assistant, Caleb?"

Some of the color drains from Caleb's face. "I d-don't know what you are talking about."

I offer him a tight-lipped smile. "You sound like Marcus. I may not be a Candor, but I can see through a lie a second time."

"Second time?"

"Caught on that, haven't you? How Erudite of you." I laugh humorlessly.

"Beatrice, listen. You are delusional —"

"Do I have to hold a gun to your head too, Caleb, to get you to speak the truth?" I want to muster up the anger I felt with Marcus, but the longer I hold this conversation, the more tired I feel. Defeated. "Look at me. Look into my eyes and tell me you won't ever head back to Erudite. Think of everything we have been through and tell me you weren't sent here as a plant, to offer information about me, and everything else about Abnegation."

"I —" I watch as Caleb struggles to speak while meeting my eyes, but he fails, his gaze dropping to the floor. I get up.

"Beatrice. Stop. Please. Listen to me —"

"What, Caleb?" I whirl around at him. "What do you have to say? I warned you about the attack. I told you what was to come. I am sorry I spoke rudely to you, but did Cara not send my apologies?"

He hangs his head. "She did."

"Then what is it, Caleb? What did we ever do to you? Did I not love you enough? Didn't Mom and Dad? What crime has Abnegation committed to be sentenced to death?"

"They aren't dying —"

"They would be!" I almost scream. "They would be if they hadn't been warned in time! Jeanine planned to wipe out all of Abnegation, Caleb! She wants power, a new government. She wants to obliterate the Divergent. Did you even think twice before selling out your family? And don't you feel anything, sitting here in safety, in _gray clothes,_ about to betray them all again at the very next opportunity?"

Caleb looks at me pleadingly. "You don't understand," he says. "You have no idea how persuasive she can be —"

I laugh. It sounds like a sob. "Trust me, Caleb, I do. And in more ways than you can imagine." I turn away from him.

"Sis —"

"Don't," I whisper turning to look him in the eye. A tear slides down my cheeks. Then another. "Don't call me your sister. I am not anyone to you." My eyes drift to the bandage he has so carefully tied around my arm. My wound doesn't hurt anymore. How can one be so caring and yet double-cross you at the same time?

"Beatrice." Caleb looks broken. His eyes are bright with moisture. He runs his thumb over his cheek to catch a tear. I start walking away from him.

"Where are you going?"

"To Dauntless."

His sudden grip on my arm stops me.

"Are you mad?" he asks incredulously. "Whatever for?"

"Why do you care?" I say venomously. He flinches. "I need to stop the simulation. It is being run from the Dauntless headquarters."

He nods, swallowing. "I'll go with you."

I stare. "What, so you can turn me over to the guards?"

He frowns. "Why must you —" Then he sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose. "You can't go alone."

"I can manage," I say stubbornly.

"You just got shot." He looks at me with the stern concern which I have seen so many times when we were younger. "Please. I mean no harm. I — I'm sorry. For everything."

I look at him, refusing to soften. I don't know if our talk caused him to have a change of heart, but I can hope that he won't betray me outright there. He didn't last time. An extra hand could only do me good. What do I have to lose?

I shrug. "Fine." Caleb looks a little stunned at the agreement, and then follows me into the dining room.

"I was thinking about dinner," my father says quietly, looking at me. "You must be starving." The coldness has disappeared from his eyes. At some point during the revelation of Marcus' true nature, he forgave me. Or so I hope.

Food sounds incredibly tempting, but I cannot waste any more time here. God forbid if I am too late already.

"Thank you for offering, but I have to leave," I say. "I need to go to Dauntless to stop the simulation."

"Simulation?" Marcus says curiously. I glare at him.

"It's not Dauntless strategy that threatens Abnegation," I say. "This whole thing is masterminded by the Erudite. And ninety percent of the Dauntless are sleepwalking right now. They're in a simulation and they don't know what they're doing. The only reason I'm not just like them is that I'm..." I almost say 'Divergent', but then think better of it. "The mind control doesn't affect me."

"Mind control? So they don't know that they're killing people right now?" my father asks me, his eyes wide.

"No."

"That's...awful." Marcus shakes his head. His sympathetic tone, sounding so manufactured, makes my blood boil. Over the years, he has worn his mask of a public leader, the perfect orator, trustworthy and reliable, like a second skin. "Waking up and realizing what you've done..."

We stand momentarily in haunted silence. But at least the weight of murder doesn't lie on the Dauntless soldiers this time, I think to myself.

"How long will this go on?" Marcus speaks up again. "Do you know how long they will stay under, Beatrice?"

"If the program keeps running, I don't know. But they will stop once we get the program to shut down. Which is why I am going to Dauntless."

"I will go." My father looks pale and afraid, but also resolute.

I shake my head. Under no condition will I have him get out. "You need to stay at home, Dad. I can manage on my own. Caleb is going with me. And I have someone to look out for me at Dauntless too."

He doesn't look convinced. "There is —"

"I can't have you risk your life, Dad!" I say frantically. "Don't you realize how important you are to me? I can't let anything happen to you."

He steps closer to me. "You are important to me too, Beatrice," he murmurs. "I know we had our differences, but I love you. I can't lose you." His hands brush my hair lightly.

"You won't," I reply with what I hope is a convincing smile. "I will be fine." My father sighs, then nods.

"Be careful."

"I will be," I say. "I only have one favor to ask of you. Please don't release that file. I know it is important to you, and why you want to release it, but please don't. For now. I will talk about it with you when I come back. Trust me on this one."

He looks puzzled, but nods. I look at Marcus, staring at us keenly.

"Don't let him interfere," I warn. Dad nods, his eyes hardening as he looks at Marcus. Then he hugs Caleb.

"Take care of your sister, and yourself," he says. Caleb's eyes seem to be wet. He nods.

I turn to my brother. "Are you ready?"

He looks nervous, but he nods. "What's the plan?"

"We will go by the back door so we aren't noticed easily. We will run towards the tracks and catch the train. Just stick with me." He nods wordlessly. "Come on, then."

We head to the back door, Dad's anxious and Marcus' curious faces in our wake.

"Oh, and Caleb?" I ask as I open the door. "Be prepared for shooting. And heights."

And then we face out towards the streets full of chaos.

* * *

 **When I started writing about the attack, I imagined I could cover it in two chapters. Now it's been three, and it's still not over! :)**

 **Until next time!**


	23. The Price

**Back again! Thank you for your reviews, favorites and follows. Love you all!**

* * *

"The first thing we need is to get a gun for you," I say as we peer at the soldiers on the streets. I wonder how long this simulation will work if no one stops it. Will the neurotransmitter in their system never be deactivated if the code isn't broken? Looking at the brain-dead, sleepwalking soldiers, members of my own faction, acting in perfect coordination, without hesitation, more than their active mind will ever allow them, I take a moment to appreciate the genius of Jeanine Matthews.

I glance at Caleb. He looks pale and unsure, completely out of his depth in the situation. He quirks an eyebrow at me.

"I don't think anyone out there will just gift me one," he says with a wry smile.

I roll my eyes. "Nice to know that you still have your humor on. Come on now."

"Beatrice."

I look at him impatiently. "What now, Caleb?"

"Don't you think we'll be spotted if we just run out there?"

"They are focusing on the other residences. They won't notice," I try, but his point is very likely to be true. "Our house is at the end of the street."

"But not at the very end of Abnegation." Caleb shakes his head. "We'll need a distraction."

I think for a moment, think like a Divergent, with elements of both Dauntless and Erudite. "Fine," I say slowly. We aren't completely out of the house yet, still peeping out; I can feel Dad's anxious presence and Marcus' cold one some distance behind us.

"I'm going to shoot and create a diversion," I tell him. "You start running right away. I'll have your back."

"Are you sure that will work?" Caleb looks uncertain.

"Do you have a better idea?" I ask pointedly. He shakes his head. "Then we follow this."

Caleb's shrugs helplessly and starts running. At the same instant, I shout loudly, shutting the door of the house behind me, and fire a few shots to attract the soldiers' attention. Once they start chasing me, I run in the opposite direction to Caleb and turn to run into an alley. The gunshots follow, and I keep running, shooting at them occasionally. I quickly slink into the crack between two buildings, holding myself very still. The soldiers run, and unable to detect my presence, run right past me. As the last one passes, I fire, causing him to drop the gun. The steps falter, the soldiers rushing right back, but they don't find me yet, and move away. When the coast seems clear, I grab the second gun and run towards the tracks.

Caleb is waiting by the tracks when I reach him. Judging by his quick breathing, he has only just reached there. I offer him the gun and catch my own breath.

"You didn't get caught?" he asks, wide-eyed, holding the gun gingerly.

"I am here, aren't I?" I say with a small smile. "Hold that gun tighter, by the way. Better, slip it into your belt."

I look at the tracks stretching in both directions almost endlessly, like a giant snake wrapping itself around the city.

I glance at my watch. "It should be here any second."

"Will it stop?" Caleb queries, his breathing still heavy.

I shake my head. "It goes slowly through the city. We'll run next to the car for a few feet and then climb inside." Caleb nods, but his face pales distinctly; like me, he too has seen the Dauntless board a running train, but the challenge of the task had never presented itself to him before. For me, climbing onto a moving train is now no more difficult than running; I've done this far too many times.

I look over my left shoulder and see the headlights burning gold against the gray buildings and roads. I bounce on the balls of my feet as the lights grow larger and larger, and then the front of the train glides past me, and I start jogging.

"Start running. Now!" I call to Caleb and see him follow. We jog along the tracks, chasing the train. When I see an open car, I pick up my pace to keep stride with it and grab the handle on the left, swinging myself inside. It isn't difficult as long as I don't put force on my injured arm. Caleb jumps, and I extend my hand to grab him as he launches himself into the compartment. His weight against my hand drags at me suddenly, almost yanking me off balance, before he lands hard, his knees hitting the floor, and loses balance, rolling on his side when I let go. He huffs and groans a little as he sits up, some admiration in his eyes as he looks at me.

"How did you even survive?"

"It was the first test of Dauntless initiation," I tell him with a small smirk. Caleb's eyes widen and his mumbles something under his breath, shaking his head.

I peer over the whipping wind to see the city rush past us with its past and present — the stunted brick structures and majestic creations of glass and steel.

"So how do you know Marcus' son?"

I look at Caleb. "What?"

"Marcus' son — Tobias, right?" I nod. "How do you know him?"

I keep my voice hard and even. "He transferred to _Dauntless_ , Caleb. It would be stupid to assume that we won't meet."

"Yes, but how did you know about what Marcus did to him? You talked about him on the day of the aptitude test — speaking of which, what were your results?"

I laugh humorlessly. "Really? Do you expect me to tell? After all that you did?"

He sighs, looking down. "Beatrice —"

"Just stop it, Caleb. I am not telling you anything."

"Okay." His green eyes hold dissatisfaction, but he raises his hands in surrender. "What about Tobias?"

"What about him?"

"Were you friends or something in school? I don't recall ever seeing him though, especially with you —"

"It's none of your business," I say flatly.

"Beatrice!" he almost pleads. "You—"

"Tris, Caleb. Just call me Tris."

"Fine, Tris then. You're not making this any easier for me."

"You were the one who made things difficult for yourself," I counter.

"I guess I did." His voice is so quiet I almost miss his words. "You said there was someone to look out for you in Dauntless," he says in a louder voice. "Who's that?"

I feel a mischievous smirk lift my lips. "My boyfriend," I say honestly. Caleb's reaction is just as satisfying as I had hoped for — his eyes practically pop out, and his jaw drops.

"B-boyfriend?" he stutters.

"Yes." I smile.

"And who'd that be?"

"He's a Dauntless prodigy," I say proudly, enjoying every moment of this. Caleb's expression of shock intensifies, if at all possible.

"I can't believe my little sister's dating one of _those_ ," he mutters.

"I'm not your little anything, Caleb. And he's the best man one can ever find."

"Fine," Caleb says, but still looks unconvinced. "But if he hurts you —"

"How can you be worried about anyone else hurting me after what you did?" I say quietly.

Caleb looks down at the floor. "I never wanted to hurt you," he says softly.

"Really? Fine way of showing that you have."

"You don't understand," Caleb says. "It's for the greater good of our society. We are not functioning as we —"

"You know what, Caleb? Please keep your thoughts to yourself," I say tiredly. His words sting and burn under my skin, as if reminding me that despite everything we have done together, all past our highs and lows, his loyalty was with his own beliefs, with what he was convinced was right. My fist longs to collide with his jaw. I remind myself that it won't serve any purpose. "I don't want to hear what your opinions of our system are."

He looks hurt. "I just —"

"It's not just about the Erudite," I say, not even able to muster the anger, feeling it all disintegrate to a vague sense of hopelessness and disgust. "It's not even about what you think is right. I was okay with you transferring to Erudite, even though Dad wasn't. Because I agree that we should be free to go where we should. But why _this_ , Caleb? How did you not feel anything in assisting Jeanine, knowing that our parents would die in this?"

Caleb looks at me, his lips set in a downward curve. "Sometimes, looking at the bigger picture —" He stops short at my expression. "I'm — I'm sorry. I didn't think that way —"

I look away. Of course he didn't. He never thought that way. For a moment, David's words echo in my mind, reminding me that he _can't_ think that way, that his genes are so configured that his knowledge-craving and intelligence has traded away the qualities like compassion and loyalty. But then I push it away. I never believed it, and I won't believe it now.

"You think you will ever talk to me again?" Caleb's voice is tentative, almost afraid, and sad.

I turn towards him, raising an eyebrow. "I am."

"No, I mean normally. Like — like we used to — before."

I don't answer. I don't think I need to, and more importantly, I don't know what to say. I know I did not do a good job at trying to make Caleb understand the truth on Visiting Day, so the fault is also mine. But it does not reduce the sting of his betrayal, especially because it is the second time for me.

The tracks are elevated; the train now runs seven stories high. We are nearing the Dauntless headquarters. I stride over to the door.

Standing like a diamond amongst the other broken buildings, The Pire reflects sunlight into my eyes. I stand, holding the handle next to the door for balance. Almost there.

"When I tell you to jump," I say, "you jump, as far as you can."

"Jump?" Caleb asks blankly. "We're seven stories up, Tris."

"Onto a roof," I add. Seeing the stunned look on his face, I say, "That's why they call it a test of bravery."

I am less encumbered this time, with my father and Marcus' absence. As the tracks curve, I push Caleb in front of me. He stands at the edge of the train and I feel a shuddering breath run through his body, and then he jumps without me having to tell him to. I take a few steps back to give myself a running start and leap out of the car just as the train reaches the end of the roof.

For an instant I am suspended in nothingness, a feeling yet to become familiar to me — the fourth attempt, this is, and then my feet slam into cement and I stumble to the side, away from the roof's edge. My legs shudder, an ache developing in my knees and the impact creeping all the way up my arms and shoulders, making the gun wound throb. I sit down, breathing hard, and look across the rooftop. The train horn blares, and then it is gone.

Caleb stands in front of me, his breathing unsteady. Looking at him, I get up and walk to the ledge.

"What next?" he asks.

"We have to jump." I look at his confused expression. "Yes, from here," I say, pointing down. "There's a net at the bottom, you won't get hurt. Don't think, just jump."

I stretch myself on the ledge, my hair whipping in the breeze which slaps against my body, lifting my shirt up.

I turn to look at Caleb, only to find his gaze stuck on my shoulder.

"What are you looking at?"

"That tattoo," he says. "Why did you put Abnegation in there?"

"Even though I left, I didn't change. I still believe in the values of Abnegation. Joining Dauntless, it taught me a few things I needed to learn."

Caleb looks at me questioningly. "How to be selfless," I say. "Believe it or not. And that most of the times, selflessness and bravery are not as different as we think."

Caleb's expression is unreadable. Turning away from him, I take a deep breath and jump.

I drop like a stone, my eyes closed, arms outstretched to feel the wind. I think of how only two weeks ago, I had leapt just like this, exhilaration and excitement in my heart at the prospect of seeing Tobias again. As my body falls on the net, I relax my muscles and maneuver myself to minimize the impact on my injured arm, but the net still feels like a slab of cement against my arm as I crash onto it. I grit my teeth and roll to the edge, grabbing the pole that supports the net, and swing my leg over the side. I land on my knees on the platform, my eyes blurry with tears.

For a few seconds there is complete silence, and I begin to worry that Caleb won't jump at all when, with a gust of wind, he falls on the net with a yelp, the material curling around his body, and then gingerly straightens up.

"Caleb!" I hiss. "Over here!"

Breathing heavily, Caleb crawls to the side of the net and drops over the edge, hitting the platform hard. Wincing, he pushes himself to his feet and stares at me, his mouth open.

"How many times...have you...done that?" he asks between breaths.

I don't know why I feel the sudden burst of honesty, but I do. "Four times," I say.

He shakes his head.

Together, we make our way down the stairs. The cavern is empty and the hallways stretch into darkness. Dauntless looks like a ghost town, especially after how I have become used to seeing it, and loved it, in the few weeks I have spent in this compound.

"Try not to make a noise," I tell Caleb. As we walk, slowly, carefully, I analyse the situation and its similarities and differences to what I have experienced before. Instead of four people, we have two this time, so we are short of manpower, even though it doesn't affect our fighting abilities much. On the other hand, I have an exact idea where the control room is, so I won't be wasting time trying to hunt it out.

One other thing that worries me is the possibility of us being spotted. One of the reasons behind Tobias not being able to shut the program down may be that there is someone keeping a watch over him. I need to keep the possibility of us being watched from the control room in mind.

"Keep an eye out for cameras, could you?" I whisper to Caleb.

"Okay," he whispers back, his fingers wrapped around his gun. "How many are there?"

"Too many to count," I reply. "They are everywhere. We'd better try to use the darkness for camouflage."

I am hoping that if anyone is watching, they'd be more focused on the Abnegation sector — the plan has gone haywire after all. But if someone spots us, I have no idea what to do then other than go down fighting.

Caleb grimaces and nods.

We walk down the hallway that leads to the Pit, which is striped with light every ten feet. Every patch of light ahead feels like a probing eye. Little blue specks on the ceiling catch the eye, indicating cameras. This is not going to be easy.

I drop on my haunches just before the first patch of light, and hurriedly clamber past it so that my shadow won't be spotted in the distance. The movement behind me tells me that Caleb is imitating me.

Suddenly the clip-clop of boots sounds round the corner. I freeze, before shifting completely against the walls and creeping along in the little patches of shadow that the lights cast. I signal for Caleb to wait. Suddenly, a bullet whips across the center of path in a flash of light round the corner and a shrill tearing of the breeze. I continue moving slowly, not sure if we have been spotted or if the guard is simply guessing the presence of intruders. The latter seems more likely.

"Whoever's there," a voice shouts, "surrender your weapons and put your hands up!"

The hair on the back of my neck rises as I bristle with anger. I wouldn't mistake that high, clear voice anywhere, not anymore — it's Peter. Again.

My footsteps light, I walk toward the guard who stands by the door. He looks around, but his eyes search the air above me and beyond me. His face is tense, nervous even. My lips curl into a sneer.

I lick my lips, sprint the last few steps, and thrust the heel of my hand up. The blow connects with his nose, and he shouts, bringing both hands up to cover his face. My body jolts with nervous energy and as his eyes squint, I kick him in the groin. He drops to his knees, his gun clattering to the ground. I grab it and press the barrel to the top of his head.

Well, that took nothing more than what I had to do last time.

"You," I hiss, hearing Caleb walk up behind me. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."

He looks at me fearfully. "Y-you wouldn't shoot me."

"People tend to think that a lot," I say quietly with a small smile. "They think that because I'm small, or a girl, or a Stiff, I can't possibly be cruel. But they're wrong. What did I tell you that day, Peter? If you think of me as just any one of those, it's a mistake." I bring my mouth close to his ear so that only he can hear, pressing the gun harder against his skull. "Y'know what?" I whisper with a smirk. "I've killed people. And I can do it again." I feel sick with this charade of cruelty, with how I sound so much like Eric, but I need to use my bravado to whatever extent I can.

My fingers curl around the trigger, and bringing the gun a few feet away from him, I shoot him in the arm, angling the gun so that the wound is shallow. His screams fill the hallway. Blood spurts from the wound, and he screams again, pressing his forehead to the ground. I shift the gun back to his head, ignoring the smallest pang of guilt in my chest.

"How dare you rat out Four?" I demand. "What did you do?"

"He was working there and I was under orders — I called Max —"

"Of course you did, you murderous traitor," I mutter.

"I'm not... murderous!"

"Where is he now?"

"C-control room. He is under some serum —"

For a moment I am terrified, terrified that Cara's inoculation did not work, that Tobias has succumbed to Jeanine's serum. But even if he has, there is nothing I can do now other than get to him.

"Is there anyone else with him in the control room?"

"Max, I think. Keeping watch."

"Thank you, Peter. You have done your job." I bring the gun a little away from his head, clicking the bullet into place in the chamber. But my hand trembles; how can I kill him?

"Stop! No!" His cry echoes in the room. "Please don't kill me." I raise my eyebrows at him.

"Take me...ahh...with you," he says, wincing.

"You want me to take you," I say, "the person who tried to kill me...with me?"

"I'll help," he says. "I'll fight with you. They'll kill me anyway, now...they've been listening. Take me with you."

I blink in shock at this unexpected offer. I don't like this, but we _are_ short of people, and the one thing I have found about Peter is that his ultimate allegiance lies with whichever side benefits his life. I purse my lips and nod.

"One move out of place and you are a dead man," I threaten. Then, keeping my gun still on Peter, I tear off a large piece of cloth from my trouser and toss it at him. He looks at me, puzzled.

"Patch up," I tell him. "We wouldn't like you bleeding all over the place."

Peter looks dumbfounded but complies all the same, Caleb helping him. "Sometimes I don't understand you at all, Stiff."

"Don't try to," I mutter, offering him his gun. "Now walk ahead, and carefully. Remember, this gun is always pointed at you." Peter nods stiffly and starts walking, his movements weak and unsteady.

"First you shoot him, and now you make him walk," Caleb says quietly, his tone disapproving. "Are you insane?"

"Did I shoot him on the leg?" I say. "No. He walks. And don't _you_ try to tell me what is wrong and what is right anymore."

Caleb's lips turn downwards. "I didn't hurt any—"

"Not directly, maybe, but you did help orchestrate an attack on an entire harmless faction. You don't know what I have been through, Caleb. You can't judge me with what I do here."

He sighs. "I am sorry."

"Will that be enough? Have you really changed over?" I ask quietly as we stride towards the Pit, our eyes alert. "Do you really believe in the cause you are working for now?"

He casts his eyes at the floor. "I don't know." His voice is quiet, almost inaudible; it hits me as loud as a gunshot. We lapse into silence.

I walk into the roar of the river and the blue glow of the Pit, which is emptier now than I have ever seen it before. I scan the walls, searching for signs of life, but I see no movement and no figures standing in darkness. Everything is just the same as I had experienced in my past life. It takes me a lot of my willpower to keep myself from slipping into thoughts of those times, of disaster and destruction. _It's already been averted. My parents are safe. Abnegation is safe,_ I remind myself. Worst case scenario, I'll die. And while it is not at all a tempting option, the fear of death is something I have lost long ago.

Before we ascend the metal stairs that will carry us above the glass ceiling, I wait in darkness and watch the light cast on the Pit walls by the sun. I watch until a shadow shifts over the sunlit wall and count until the next shadow appears. The guards make their rounds every minute and a half, stand for twenty seconds, and then move on.

"Do you think we've been seen yet?" I ask Caleb.

"We couldn't possibly evade all the cameras," he says. "The main question is if someone in the control room has noticed us yet." I think of Tobias. Could he have seen us? Is he even himself?

"Can you shoot?" I ask Peter.

"I could try," he says, "If only you hadn't shot —"

"Just yes or no would suffice," I say coldly. "Come with me. The soldiers are making rounds every minute and a half, pausing up there for twenty seconds." A shadow pauses right overhead just as I finish, as if to confirm my statement. "Caleb, you wait until everything's clear."

Peter and I climb the stairs carefully, stopping just before our heads emerge above. I wait, watching the shadows move, and when one of them stops, I step up and point my gun. The imbalance of my two arms is all too prominent — my left arm, bandaged, feels too heavy and uncomfortable. I take a deep breath and aim. I can't afford to miss. Then I shoot.

The bullet hits the soldier's arm, causing him to drop the gun. Beside me, Peter does the same, his aim slightly damaged, hitting the soldier on the foot.

"Get the gun!" I point at the one which the soldier dropped, even as I lunge towards the soldier Peter shot, tackling him to the ground and wrestling the gun out of his hands. It's a miracle I don't get shot with the barrage of bullets that hit the glass with a series of sharp 'ding's. Struggling to my feet, I shoot another guard, who falls back, hit at the waist. The two guns held in my hand, I turn only to see a soldier point his gun at Peter.

"No!" I tackle Peter to the ground even as the bullet hits the ground just beside our bodies. For a second, I look at him and he looks at me, his green eyes wide with just as much shock as I feel. I can't believe I just saved _Peter_ , when I have failed at saving so many people I wanted to. I quickly clamber away from him, neither of us meeting the other's eyes.

Another guard stands across from me. I lie flat on my stomach and point both guns at him, my arms resting on the floor. I stare into the black pinprick that is his gun barrel. Then he jerks his chin to the side, telling us to go. Oh. Divergent. I nod quickly, and he disappears into the fear room.

"Come on!" I call down to Caleb. I look at Peter. "You okay?" It still feels peculiar that we are actually working together for something. It brings memories of the few past endeavors we were together in.

There is a thin line of sweat on his forehead and he looks shaky. But he grits his teeth and nods.

"We'll take the elevator. There will be guards outside on the eighth floor, so be prepared. Now, let's go."

Despite my commanding attitude, I feel the tiredness in every bone and muscle of my body. I want this to be over quickly. My arm throbs, and sweat clings to my clothes. I am dirty and messed up. Everything seems more than I had bargained for.

The three of us rush into the elevator. I press the button. Eighth floor. As the elevator doors close and we start moving, I sag against the glass. Caleb and Peter look tired too. Beeps come from the system, indicating each floor we climb. One, two, three. Onwards.

Something goes wrong near the sixth floor. The elevator suddenly slows down. I gape at the control panel, unable to comprehend what is happening.

"Uh, is it just me or are we —" Peter begins.

"Stopping," I say softly. Panic begins to well like a bubble in my heart.

Caleb frowns at the panel, at the still glowing red button marked '8'. "But we aren't there ye—"

The elevator stops. The door opens. And chaos descends.

Before we can even realize what is happening, bullets fly at us, shattering the glass walls of the elevator. Four soldiers advance at us, firing their guns.

"Duck!" I scream, dropping to my belly and shooting at them.

The soldiers continue shooting with blank faces. I have no time to pause for mercy this time. I shoot, hitting one on the stomach, while two others are brought down by Caleb and Peter. I lift the spare gun in my hand and toss it at the remaining soldier, who has entered the elevator, striking his arm and causing him to drop the gun. I jump up and launch myself at him, kicking him hard on the knee. The brainwashed soldiers may be good at shooting, but their program-run mind makes them lag at hand-to-hand combat. I punch him in the jaw and then in the gut, shoving him hard.

"Guys!" I gasp, "Some help?"

Then Caleb's gun comes crashing down on the soldier's head, and together, we push him out. At a distance, I see a few more soldiers running towards us. We have been spotted. Someone must have called on the reinforcements.

"Shut the door! Now! Quick!" I yell at Peter, who hurriedly jabs the button. A few more bullets fly at us before the door shuts, and we finally move again.

I sink to the floor, gasping for breath. But I have not even gathered my bearings when the door opens again. Two blank-faced guards stare at us. I gasp, fumbling for my gun. The last fight caught us all unawares and left us all jittery. I watch Caleb try to aim his gun even as a bullet rushes straight towards him.

"Caleb!" I spring up in front of him, throwing my arms around him. Pain jolts my left shoulder, blanking everything out momentarily. I groan into Caleb's shoulder. The edges of my vision turn black.

"Tris! Beatrice!" I hear Caleb's voice, panicked. "Are you — can you hear me?"

I lift my head weakly, only to see the two guards lying on the floor, shot. Peter's gun drops to the floor, his hand shaking from the strain.

"I'm — I'm okay," I gasp. "L-let's keep moving."

"Why?" Caleb whispers close to me. "Why did you save me?"

I don't really know, but again, I do — the same reason I decided to go ahead to the Weapon room instead of him in the Bureau.

"You're my brother," I say simply, and then offer a weak smirk. "I also have better shots at survival than you."

He gives a watery chuckle and then supports me. "Let's move."

The hallway brings back my worst nightmares, echoing with the terrible sting in my shoulder. I almost see my father fall, shot in the stomach, the life leaving his eyes, and I choke back a sob. _Almost there. Keep moving_. I am almost there; I can't stop now.

But our troubles seem far from over. As we hurry down the hallway, three more guards appear near the control room. My steps falter as suddenly in one shot, all my hope leaves me. I can't go on anymore. My shoulder burns with the pain, and the sticky wetness running down the spot along my arm speaks of blood. Exhaustion threatens to smother me in its warm blanket. I can't go on. My gun is too heavy in my hand. I hate myself for being so weak.

"Tris! Tris!" Caleb's voice brings me back to attention. "Come on, we have to keep going." He wraps an arm around me gently, his gun pointed at the soldiers. I imitate him, and out of the corner of my eyes, I see Peter poised too. But the fire is almost out; how can we win any longer, when all of us are broken and beaten? And so close...

It happens suddenly. One second the soldiers are running towards us, their guns raised, and then, they pause. Everything seems frozen for a moment, and then they move, chaotic and uncoordinated, their expressions suddenly changing from blank to animated. Their guns drop; they begin talking all at once, the words too indistinct for me to catch, but the tone clearly dismayed and horrified.

I can't believe this. Tobias did it.

Caleb looks at me, then blinks at this minor display of chaos. "Does this mean —"

"He did it," I breathe. The exhaustion is suddenly pushed back, the knowledge that it is all finally over acting like an energy drink. "I need to go."

"Beatrice, wait!" Caleb calls, but I am already running, dropping my gun, forgetting everything, ignoring the pain resonating everywhere in my body, my one destination the control room. I push the door open and stride in.

The first thing I notice is Tobias standing by the computer screen, the one which was supposed to, but is no longer showing the continuous string of commands that was the master key behind this incredible scheme. He stands straight, his head held high, his eyes on the other screens which show the Dauntless coming out of trance in various parts of the city. He is bruised and beaten up. Even from a distance, I can observe several cuts and bruises which weren't there the last time I saw him, the most prominent being a cut running from the side of his forehead down his right cheek. To me, he has never looked more handsome.

The second thing I notice is Max's body on the floor.

"Tobias," I breathe, my voice so low I am afraid he won't hear me. But he does. His deep blue eyes land on me and widen, his lips part a little.

"Tris," he whispers. And then he is suddenly in front of me, his arms encircling my waist. Our lips collide. At that moment, I let myself forget everything, just savoring this moment of reunion and triumph. I pull back, only to bury my face in his chest. His heartbeat is fast, like mine, and reassuring. My shoulder hurts like hell as it presses against him, but I don't care. I just don't.

"It's over," he says in my ear, his voice low and soothing. "It's all over."

"Yes," I whisper. It is only then that I realize that I am trembling against him. "You did it."

I pull back a little to look at him. "What took so long? I was worried..."

His face falls. "I am sorry. The inoculation wasn't perfect, it seems. There were these moments when the simulation took over, and instead of shutting it down, I ended up fixing some of the damage I had done to it. It took much more time than it should have that way. Max was watching too. But when he saw you on the screens and began to call the reinforcements, that snapped me out of it permanently. I only just managed to get him down."

I look at the fallen Dauntless leader. "Is he dead?"

"I don't know. We'll have to check. I'm so sorry," he says again. He looks at my shoulder. "You got shot again..."

I smile. The blood loss is making me slightly lightheaded now. "It's okay," I whisper. "I'm fine." And I pull his lips down to mine again. Tobias runs his fingertips over my face, memorizing every inch over and over again. He sighs into my mouth.

A small cough breaks us apart. Caleb stands at the door. Even as we look, he walks in, his eyes taking in everything curiously.

"So you are the boyfriend," he says, eyebrows raised.

"Yes," Tobias grips me more protectively, his voice suddenly terse. "And you are the brother."

Caleb nods. "You — you are Tobias. Marcus' son. Isn't it?"

Tobias raises his eyebrows, carefully masked shock on his face. I myself am surprised Caleb recognized him so quickly. "Yes. You're right."

Caleb nods. "Makes sense that she would defend you."

I open my mouth to speak, but as if in direct defiance of Caleb's presence, Tobias kisses me again, with just as much fervor as before. I am surprised that he should be so public, but at his touch, I forget to think. I forget everything.

"Guys, maybe now's not the best time —" I hear Caleb's weak protest, but I ignore him, too lost in Tobias.

Several things happen at once. There is a sudden sound of a gunshot, a cry of "No!" from Caleb, and as we pull away, I feel as if I am turning in slow motion.

Dimly, I register a figure — a female Dauntless leader standing at the door, gun raised, Tobias' gun firing, the leader falling, blood spilling from her head. But all my focus in on Caleb, sprawled in front of me, red spreading in his gray shirt just south of the heart, in whose absence the bullet would have penetrated my back. I gasp his name, dropping to my knees at his side. He smiles at me weakly, his eyes dim and misty.

"Beat-rice," he whispers.

"C-caleb." His hand spasms a little before wrapping around my own. "It — it will be okay. Just hold on, we will take you —"

But he shakes his head. "I'm done," he rasps. "Shots to the chest are nearly always fatal."

"I — I —" My eyes fill with tears. "Why did you save me?"

"Be-because you're my s-sister." He smiles. He coughs a little, blood pooling out of his mouth. "I don't — know which side — I believe in, but — but I at least owe you m-my life. I'm s-sorry." His breathing becomes increasingly labored, his chest, stained with red, like a fluttering bird's. "I -— just — I — love you, Bea—" his words dissolve in a gurgle, and he stills. Forever.

My brother.


	24. After

**Finally, new chapter! This is essentially a filler, the aftermath. Hope you like. :)**

 **I was very interested with the mixed reactions I got with Caleb's death... ranging from 'it's OK to have him die' to heartbroken. Speaking for myself, it hurt to write that part, especially because it was in a way a reconciliation too. Anyway, thank you so much for all your support. This story has passed 25000 views and 280 reviews... if someone had told me this some months ago, I wouldn't have believed it! Thank you so much, everyone! Love you!**

* * *

I don't know what to feel as I look at him. I don't know if I should feel anything, if I _can_ feel anything. His hand is still touching mine. I should draw away. Or should I? I don't know. I just don't know.

I remember asking Tori the first time around what it felt like after she lost her brother. I am facing the same situation now; and yet it is not the same. I thought Caleb was a traitor, and now he is dead. Because of me. I don't know what to do.

Caleb's eyes are open. I shut them gently, then feel like laughing. What am I trying to do? He is dead. What is the use of making him looking like he is just asleep?

He's dead.

My brother is dead.

And nothing is going to change that.

It could have happened before; he had been assigned to go to the weapons lab. But now he is dead. Really dead. He's gone and he's not coming back. Something between a quiet moan and a sob slips out of me. With the sleeve of my shirt, I wipe away the trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.

"Tris?" Tobias' voice breaks me out of my daze. I turn my head to see him crouched beside me, his deep blue eyes searching my soul. His figure looks a little blurry through the curtain of unshed tears in my eyes.

He looks a little unsure of himself. His hand creeps over mine, resting on the ground.

"I think you'd like to see this," he says. His chin jerks ever so slightly towards the screens. They are still showing images from all around the city, of Dauntless soldiers coming out of trance, panicked and horrified. I glance at Caleb's fallen body once again. I hadn't stopped when my mother died. I hadn't stopped when my father died. I won't let myself stop now; duty comes first. Holding onto Tobias, I stand up. The movement makes me nauseous; the strain of standing on my feet suddenly seems too much. My arm is sticky with drying blood; one glance at the bandage on my arm shows that the blood has dripped there too, staining the white gauze with red. I sway as I take a step towards the screen. In an instant, Tobias' arm is around me, holding me securely. His eyes widen as he looks at my bleeding shoulder. A string of muffled curses escape his lips.

"I'm so sorry, Tris," he says urgently. "Your wound... I completely forgot. You should sit down."

"No, I'm fine." I shake my head to emphasize my point, feeling a little dizzy as I do so. "You — you were saying?"

Tobias wraps his jacket snugly around me nevertheless to help stem further blood loss. Then he points towards a particular screen.

"They seem to be retreating," he says. I look at the screen to see a group of soldiers in black, Eric amongst them. His leg is covered in bandages; he is still limping. Through the silent screen, I see him gesticulating at his fellow soldiers, and from his gestures, it seems like a command to retreat.

"Can't stay long, or they'll be killed by the rest," I say with a faint smile. In another screen, I see Uriah helping up Marlene, whose face is splotched with tears. Apart from the Dauntless siding with Eric and the Erudite, the now awake soldiers seem to have arrived at no decision about their forthcoming actions yet.

"We will retain the headquarters," I whisper. Tobias looks at me, his expression worried.

"Are you sure?" he asks. "There are too many cameras."

"I know," I reply. "But we'll eventually turn up here, regardless of wherever we take refuge. No place like home. We can take care of the cameras."

Tobias nods. "We will have to let everyone know." He glances at the streets of Abnegation, where most of the soldiers still are. Then his eyes lock with mine. "This will be difficult, but I need you on your feet. Just a little longer. Okay?"

I nod, ignoring the fact that I am feeling more drowsy and lightheaded with every passing second. "'S okay," I say, working hard to keep the slur of exhaustion from my voice. "I'm fine, I told you."

I don't think he is fooled, but Tobias nods again, then looking at Caleb, lets go of me to arrange five chairs of the control room side by side. Then he bends down, and lifting Caleb's body with a low grunt of effort, lays him on the chairs.

"We will take care of him when things are a bit settled, okay?"

I look at him, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Okay."

Supporting me, Tobias walks out of the control room into the hallway. At first sight it seems empty, but then I notice a few Dauntless huddled together. They look so different with their bravado gone. Almost like little children.

"Hey, you lot!" Tobias raises his voice; his words boom in my ear louder than welcome. The soldiers look at him curiously and shuffle closer.

"Four," one of them grunts in acknowledgement. Their eyes flicker to me.

"Pretty banged up, this one." A middle-aged man says. Tobias ignores his comment.

"We are going to stay in the headquarters," he says neutrally. "I want you to go ahead and let the others know. Tell anyone you meet and ask them to do the same. Go to Abnegation too and tell the rest. Everyone who is still loyal to Dauntless should return to the headquarters."

"And who do you think you are, issuing orders?" a short sandy-haired man sneers. "Think yourself a bloody leader, do ya?"

Tobias' hand on my waist remains as gentle as ever, but I can feel the transformation of Tobias into Four — he seems even taller, towering over the group; his eyes glow with power and pride, allowing no space for questioning.

"There are only two options for you now, Sean," he says very quietly. "Either you become a traitor and join Erudite, or you stay loyal to Dauntless and do as I say. The last time I saw you, you were a mindless drone," Sean flinches, "so if you have come to your senses, do what I am saying."

Out of the five, four look cowed, but another raises his voice.

"W-what do you mean, _he_ was?" he says, visibly scrambling to gather some courage in front of Tobias' intimidating persona. "As if you were any better."

Tobias' lips press into a very thin, straight line. "I was, in fact," he says, deadly quiet. "I stopped the simulation."

A newfound respect lights in their eyes, as well as awe and fear. They don't question him anymore, scurrying off.

Tobias looks at me. "Sorry for not giving you the credit."

I shrug with my right side. "It was all you, Tobias. You deserve that."

He simply shakes his head, dismissing my praise, reserving this issue for later. His attitude is practical, constantly planning. He lets go of me suddenly. "You wait here, I'll —"

"I'm going," I mutter, ignoring the way things are swimming in my line of vision every now and then. Tobias frowns.

"Tris —"

"Take me with you," I say. "That is, if I am not a hindrance."

He shakes his head. "I am worried about you, that's all," he says. "Your shoulder —"

I take his hand. "I can move."

He sighs in defeat. "Fine, then. Come on."

Tobias leads me towards the elevators. "I am trusting those blokes will spread the message, but I'd like to make sure, just in case. It'll be faster if more people are working, anyway." I nod, leaning against him as the elevator descends. Tobias holds my hand as we walk forward, with Tobias barking the same orders to any soldier in sight in the Dauntless compound as he had to the group near the control room. By the time we are done, my forehead is coated with a slick layer of sweat and my legs feel like jelly. My left arm throbs all the way from my shoulder down to my fingertips. But I purse my lips and go on. Finally, Tobias leads me into the Pit, the nearest landmark from the hallway we are in. Halfway into the Pit, which looks strange and haunted with no man around and brings unpleasant memories, Tobias scoops me up gently, ignoring my weak protests, and walks towards the chasm carrying me in his arms.

"You worked hard enough. Let me do something for you now," he says simply.

He settles down right against the metal railing, the rush and roar of the underground river providing some very welcome distraction from the eerie silence. As soon as he sinks to the floor with me curled up on his lap, my arms around his neck, I feel exhaustion hit me like a tidal wave. My dizziness seems to amplify, the throb in my left side much more noticeable. I allow my left arm to drop from around Tobias' neck with a quiet groan. Grief and guilt threaten to follow tiredness; I managed to save many this time, but not enough — I killed a man in cold blood, and my brother lies dead in this building because of me. Maybe this is cruel justice or just my lack of efficiency, but every victory seems to have a price for me. I purse my lips, forcefully pushing away those feelings for now, knowing that if I sink, I'll go sinking down right to the bottom. I select numbness as my poison.

"Our friends —" I rasp out, then clear my throat. "In Abnegation —" I try again.

"I trust that the Dauntless from here will tell everyone," Tobias tells me. "They should all be back by sundown; news travels fast. And no, Tris. We are not going."

My eyes suddenly feel heavy. Blinking away the tiredness, I frown at Tobias.

"You have been through enough. Rest now." His voice is firm.

His words hit me like an order and my body obeys, sagging against him. His arms drape around me, caging me in their gentle warmth, careful not to touch me over my wound, and he gently presses barely-there kisses in my hair. I want to talk to him about everything, but I am afraid that once I open my mouth, all the guilt and the pain will start pouring out and I won't be able to control myself. This numbness is good. Tobias' touch feels so comforting, as if each flutter of his lips on my hair is a small condolence, a little consolation, a tiny promise. It leads me to a drowsy state, not quite asleep but staring off into space with half-lidded eyes. Eventually, Tobias stops kissing my hair only to carefully rest his forehead on top of my head. I don't know if he wants to speak to me too, but he doesn't say anything. We just stay in that position for a long time, the noise from the chasm the only sound, the battle over but won after so much weariness. And the worst part is, even ignoring the casualties, it is too soon to tell if we have actually won. Or if anything is over at all. For all I feel, our struggles have only just begun.

I don't know how much time has passed as we sit like this. Suddenly, faint noises reach my ears. At first I think I am imagining them, but then they sound closer and more distinct. Voices. And footsteps. I raise my head from Tobias' chest. His forehead slips from mine in the process, and he jerks back, startled.

"What —"

"They are coming," I breathe. Suddenly I am filled with an intense desire to see my friends, to ensure that they are safe and sound, to check how much damage my actions have caused. I scramble up from Tobias' lap, hurrying to stand up.

"Tris, wait, go slow —"

I understand his warning too late. The sudden movement causes a sharp pain to shoot everywhere up my body, especially in my shoulder, and dark spots dance before my eyes. Just as the first black-clad shoulder makes its appearance into the Pit, my surroundings spin a full circle. My last sensation before everything goes dark is a pair of strong arms catching me as my body drops.

-o0o-

I open my eyes to a semi-familiar room. I squint at the dull white walls, trying to recall when I have been here before. Oh yes... after the fight with Peter. And then after Peter slashed my arm. This is the infirmary.

I try to shift my head to look around, feeling a slight headache as I do. Other than that, I feel much better than before, and significantly rested.

"Ah, so you're awake. Good." I turn my head to see the Dauntless nurse walking towards me with a clipboard. I'll never get used to the black clothing and innumerable piercings on her, so far from the conventional image of a nurse.

"Jane?" I say, remembering the name Tobias had mentioned.

"Helena," she says. "Jane's my sister. Over there." She jerks her thumb towards the far end of the room. "So," she starts on a brusque note, perching on the foot of my bed, "how do you feel?"

I slowly sit up, moving my left arm a little. Both the shoulder and the gun wound in my arm have been seen to. Multiple stitches line my shoulder, and a fresh layer of bandages covers the arm.

"Better," I say.

"Good." Helena nods. "You've shown some real quick healing. You will be free to leave tonight (knowing you youngsters, you wouldn't have stayed even if I'd told you to; yes, girl, I remember your little escape back in initiation), although I'd recommend not overstraining yourself for some days now."

I nod. "Thank you."

"Thank whoever it was who stopped that dreadful sim." A haunted look comes to her eyes. "I don't want to think how long it could have controlled us." She looks at me again, some of the humor returning to her face.

"I'll send your boyfriend in," she says with a wink, and before I can comment, she breezes out of the room.

Within seconds, Tobias hurries into the infirmary. He looks cleaner and fresher, and wears a fresh set of clothes. His hair is wet too, indicating a shower. I smile at him as he drags up a chair against my bed and drops down.

"Hey," he whispers, leaning forward to take my hand. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." I slide my fingers between his, enjoying the warmth of his skin.

"You said the same thing before you passed out," he remarks, a faint smile curling his lips.

"I'm honest this time. I feel better," I assure him. "What happened?"

"You not listening to me is what happened," he says. "You fainted from blood loss and exhaustion, also a minor case of delayed shock. Helena removed the bullet from your shoulder."

"I've noticed." I nod. "How long was I out?"

"It's ten thirty by my watch," Tobias says. I open my eyes wide.

"I was unconscious that long?"

"You went through a lot, Tris. It was only to be expected." Tobias tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "Helena chewed me out for not getting this seen to before." He smiles a little. "As if we could. She and Jane have been busy attending to the injured Dauntless."

I bite my lip nervously. "Is anyone dead?" Because if they are, it is my fault, directly or indirectly.

"A few," Tobias says. "Fortunately, most of the dead or injured on the streets appeared to be siding Erudite, so the loss isn't too much. Most of the soldiers here have gun wounds in the hands or legs. They'll be fine." He smiles at me a little. I sag a little in relief.

"How are the others? Are they here? Uriah, Lynn, Marlene, Christi—"

"Right here!"

Both Tobias and I turn in time to see Christina rushing towards me. She barrels into me with terrifying force, her arms pulling me in a bone crushing hug. I wince.

"She is injured, Christina," Tobias says flatly. Christina pulls back in a hurry.

"Oops," she says with sheepish smile. "How are you?"

I shrug by way of replying. "You?"

Christina's face looks older and less happy; although she hasn't cut her hair short like last time, allowing her face to retain its softer quality, the terror of the simulation lingers in her eyes.

"You," Christina turns towards Tobias. "Get out. I need to talk to my best friend."

Tobias raises an eyebrow at her. "And who gave you the authority to give me orders, Candor?"

Christina scoffs. "Please. I am a member now. I can do what I want."

Tobias shakes his head at her, rolls his eyes at me and then walks out.

"Wow," I say, looking at Christina.

"What?" she laughs a little. "I had to get your scary boyfriend out so I could talk in peace."

"He's not scary!" I protest laughingly for the umpteenth time.

"Not for you, maybe." Christina's mouth softens into a genuine smile. "He really cares about you, doesn't he? He didn't move from your side even once after you fainted. Finally Marlene and I had to practically push him out of the room to get himself cleaned up."

I smile. "How are they – Marlene and the rest? And how about you?"

The smile slips off Christina's face. "Honestly, I don't know," she says in a low voice. "The day so far... was hell. I mean, after I woke up... and realized I had almost killed so many people... I almost went mad."

"It's okay now, though," I say quietly, taking her hand. "They are all fine."

Christina hums noncommittally, but her face is pinched with worry, her eyes distant. "Tris?" she says softly.

"Yes?"

"I can't find Will." Her eyes are downright scared now. "He didn't come back with everyone. I — I looked everywhere, but..."

"I know where he is, Christina. Don't worry."

"What?" she yelps. "You do? Where is he?"

"With my mother. In Abnegation. She is taking care of him. He'll be back by tomorrow, I promise."

Christina sags into the chair which Tobias had vacated. Her face is washed over by relief. "Thank goodness," she sighs. "When I couldn't find him, I thought — I thought —" Tears fill her eyes.

"Hey," I squeeze her hand. "It's all right."

"I know." Christina sniffs a little. "When are you going to get off this bed?"

"The nurse says tonight."

Christina nods. "I'll let your boyfriend take care of you." She punches me on the right shoulder with a playful grin. "You are one lucky girl. Who'd have thought?" Chuckling, she walks out of the room.

Tobias re-enters the infirmary minutes later.

"So your pesky friend is finally gone." He grins before sitting down again.

"Yeah," I chuckle. "So tell me about things. What did I miss?"

"Well, as it had been before, Dauntless has split in two. Those loyal to Jeanine have retreated to Erudite. The other half is here. Five to six people are dead. Ten or twelve injured. Everyone shaken. But things are okay."

I sigh, then swing my feet over the side of the bed. Tobias' eyes widen. "Tris, what are you —"

"I'm feeling fine. I'm leaving."

"Tris —"

"Tobias, please." I look at him pleadingly. "Get me out of here?"

He looks at me for a long moment, then sighs, taking my hand.

"Come on," he says, the corners of his lips twitching. "You're impossible."

We make our way into the dining hall. Lynn meets us carrying a slice of cake.

"Hey Tris. Welcome back to the world of the conscious." She nods at Tobias. "Four."

"Where's Marlene?"

"Someone call my name?" Marlene struts over from a nearby table, Uriah in tow. She looks pale, her eyes still a bit red, like she only just stopped crying. She flashes a toothy grin at me nevertheless.

"Tris! You alright now?"

I nod, and after a little more of small talk, sit down to eat. Christina sits on my side, Tobias facing me. It reminds me of my first day at Dauntless.

"Zeke joined the traitors," Christina whispers in my ear. "Tori's gone too." Her eyes are sad. I nod a little, not saying anything. I'm sure he is there to spy, but I'm not sure if it would be wise to reveal the fact yet.

Right after dinner, people start rushing. I look at them in confusion, especially when they appear with guns in hand.

"To take care of the cameras," Tobias explains, rising to his feet.

"I'll come." I follow suit.

He appears on the verge of arguing, but in the end, just nods. "I have a feeling I wouldn't win if I tried to argue." He smiles a little.

"Too right." I stick my tongue out at him and then rush ahead to grab a gun and a box of paintball pellets.

Shooting at the cameras is as much fun as it was last time, with everyone running and making a mess of themselves, the fact that my right side is completely functioning adding to the benefits. But as I splatter paint over each camera, anxiety blooms in the pit of my stomach as the memories of last time grasp me more and more tightly. It distracts me so much that I only break from my daze at a smelly splatter of pink hitting me right on the cheek.

"Why so morose, Tris?" Uriah says, grinning, his teeth white and straight. "You're gonna end up a rainbow if you aren't careful."

I laugh and duck as I hit him with my own yellow pellets, regaining some of my composure. But by the time we are done, fear swamps me as image after image of Marlene falling to her death flashes across my mind. Have we blocked all the cameras? Dauntless has so many... What if we missed some? I drop my gun, resting my head against the wall.

A pair of strong arms wrap around me. The slightest of stubbles scrapes again my neck, and warm breath tickles my skin. Tobias doesn't speak, but at his touch, I turn around to face him. His black attire, like mine, is splattered with blue, yellow, pink and green paints as the mission turned into an impromptu game. There is a speck of blue in his hair, and green underneath his eyes. With an amused smile, I stand on the tip of my toes and wipe it off. He smiles at the gesture, chasing after my hand as I pull it away to press a soft kiss on my knuckles, but the question lingers in his eyes.

"How do we know we have covered all the cameras?" I say quietly. "The last time, we missed a few, and it cost us too much." I bite my lip to prevent the tears from escaping. "Marlene... she died, you know."

Tobias nods to say that he does know. He picks my gun up from the floor and wraps one arm around me.

"I may have a way to ensure that," he says. "Come with me?"

I nod, and allow him to guide me. Once we take the elevator, I realize where we are going.

"How do you take the elevator?" I ask him, feeling him stand stiff as a board at my side.

"I told you. I pretend my fears don't exist. I ignore them," he says, setting another crest in the waves of pride I always feel for him.

"Nobody knows what your fears are, do they?'

"Apart from Amar and you, no."

I kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you."

The elevator pings, coming to a standstill. Tobias walks me out, our fingers loosely entwined. There is a small smile on his face.

As we near the control room, I stop. Everything that I had been holding back, all the guilt, the pain, comes spinning out, freezing me in my tracks. Tobias' hand tugs away from me, making him stop. He looks at me, concerned.

"Tris?"

"Control room — how can I — Caleb —" I say incoherently in a strangled whisper, trying to string the words together in a sentence. Understanding flashes in Tobias' eyes and he steps back to place his hand on the small of my back.

"I had Caleb's body put aside in a room," he says softly. "They will send his ashes to Abnegation tomorrow."

I nod, blinking back tears. "Thank you," I stumble. It occurs to me then that my parents weren't even given a proper sendoff in my past life. At least Caleb will get a proper goodbye.

Together, we enter the control room. Tobias strides over to switch on the feed cycle. It is then, looking at the dried blood near one of the computers, that I remember about Max.

"Max," I say, "Is he —"

"Dead," Tobias says, his voice suddenly emotionless. "Internal bleeding in multiple organs, severe concussion, gun wound. He might have lived if treated immediately, but he was left uncared, so by the time we paid attention, he was already gone."

I look at Tobias to see him looking straight ahead, his face wiped clean of emotions. His hands on the keyboard are trembling. I walk to him and wrap my arms around him. For a few seconds his body is stiff against mine, his muscles tense, and then a shudder rocks through him. His whole frame trembles.

"I killed him," he whispers. "It was me. I had always convinced myself that I am better than Marcus, but I am just as bad, just as violent —"

"No, you're not." I force him to turn around, allowing him to bury his face in my shoulder as I hold him. "You didn't have a choice. He would have killed you otherwise. You're not anything like Marcus, Tobias, never think that."

"If you say so," he murmurs doubtfully. The screens have been loaded. I watch as all of the images show a plain wall of color — red in some, pink in others, yellow, blue, green. It goes on and on, both Tobias and I watching, mesmerized, until a picture of a room comes to view, jerking us out of the trance.

"Third floor. Storage," Tobias mutters, and then the colors start off again.

In the end, we find three places with the cameras still functioning — the storage room on the third floor and two hallways near the Pit. Together, we hunt out the cameras and block them with paint.

"All done," Tobias sighs, his voice laced with exhaustion. I feel it too; it is difficult to believe that it was only yesterday that I was initiated. I want to fall into my bunk and sleep, but I also know that I couldn't if I tried. I need to talk to Tobias, to come clean on everything — admit my faults and blunders. If it were my past life, I would have buried it in my heart, like my guilt about killing Will, but by now, I have learnt to think better.

"Could we talk for some time?" I say quietly. "Alone?"

"I was thinking of it too," he agrees, taking my hand in his once again. "Come on, I know where we can go."

Tobias leads me down to the Pit and from there down the rock-cut steps to the bottom of the chasm. We sit close each other, Tobias' arms around me.

"I had imagined showing you this place at a... happier time," Tobias confesses. "But I guess now will have to do."

"Now is as good as any." I shrug with a small smile, then sigh. "I — there's a lot I have to tell you... about what happened after you were taken to the control room." Tobias doesn't speak, but the squeeze of his arms around me tells me that he is listening.

"After you were gone... Jeanine injected me with the same serum as she had you."

Tobias sucks in a quick breath. "You weren't inoculated." I shake my head.

"I am serum-resistant, but it took me time. Long enough." My voice shakes. I tell him what the simulation made me see, about shooting Mr. Black. About almost killing my mother. By the time I am done talking about that bit, I can hardly form words. My voice is choked, and the tears finally spill over.

"I — I killed him, T-Tobias," I stammer through the sobs. "I was supposed to protect them, and — and I k-killed my friend's father. I almost killed my mother!" The sobs are ugly and uncontrolled, my guilt flowing out. Tobias runs his hand through my hair, then forces me to turn around.

"Tris," he says. "Tris. Look at me. Please."

I look at him hesitatingly, almost sure to see the anger and disgust I had seen on his face in my simulations. But he only appears understanding, and sad.

"It's not your fault. You were not yourself. If it's anyone's fault, it's Jeanine's." He kisses away the tears running down my cheeks. "Not for a second is it your fault."

"If I had overcome the simulation earlier —"

"You couldn't choose when to come out of the simulation. And you were so strong. If you weren't, you would have ended up killing your mother."

It only makes me sob harder. I bury my face into his chest, seeking comfort, seeking oblivion. He offers it all.

"And C-Caleb... he was siding with Jeanine again. I thought he was a traitor all over again. A-And then he saved me. I d-don't know what to feel —"

"You took the bullet for him, didn't you?" His fingers graze my shoulder. I nod.

He kisses my collarbone. "It was a good death, Tris. He repaid his debt."

"B-But if he had lived —"

"We don't know, do we?" His words are so quiet I almost miss them. Then he fits his mouth to mine. We kiss feverishly, desperately, like we are taking our oxygen from each other. Our guilt stretches around us, each of us surrounded by our own demons, the other trying to offer a reprieve from the pain. And at that moment, I need nobody but him.

When we pull away, Tobias touches his forehead to mine.

"When I saw you in the Abnegation headquarters," he says, "I thought I'd surely lose you. And then when you got shot in the elevator," his voice is low and shaking, "It was torture, Tris. Sitting there, unable to do anything, knowing you could die any moment..."

I smile slightly, my sight still blurry, and brush my lips against his once more. "I'm here now, aren't I? I'm fine. We're fine."

"Yeah," he says, stealing another kiss. "Yeah, we are."

"We will go see your parents tomorrow," he offers. "That okay with you?"

I nod. "Yes, I'd like to see them again." And I know I'd have to see the Blacks too, and offer my apologies. My heart beats fast at the thought.

-o0o-

Marlene, Christina, Uriah and Lynn are among the people I know when I enter the already full transfers' dorm.

"No one's following the regular sleeping orders for now," Christina tells me, perched on her bunk. "Wait, we'll get you a place to sleep."

"It's okay," I begin. "You don't have to inconvenience —"

Lynn looks at the bunk to her left. A young boy is there, fiddling with his shoelaces. Hector. I push back the image of him standing at the edge on the roof.

"Hec," she says, "you're going to have to find another bunk."

"What? No way," he says without looking up. "I'm not relocating again just because you want to have late-night pillow chats with one of your stupid friends."

"She is not my friend," snaps Lynn. I laugh a little to myself. "Hec, this is Tris. Tris, this is my little brother, Hector."

"Nice to meet you," I say. He looks at me curiously, as if trying to make out what to think of me, then gets up and leaves the room.

"I could have done that," I say. "Slept in another room, I mean."

"Yeah, I know." Lynn grins. "He deserves it. He called Zeke a traitor right to Uriah's face. It's not like it's not true, but that's no reason to be a jerk about it. He might just end up getting Candor in his aptitude tests if he's not careful, saying whatever he wants. He'll go sleep with Shauna or Mom anyway, not a problem."

"You got clothes, Tris?" Marlene's head pops from the bunk she is occupying. "I hope you're not planning to sleep in those." She indicates my jacket and trousers. Fortunately, my belongings are in this very dormitory, and even though I discover that some of my clothes are gone, I find a knee-length nightdress for the night.

"Where's Peter?" I ask as I climb into my bunk after changing. I only just remembered him for the first time since the attack stopped.

"Where you'd expect him to be, of course," Christina says, her face set in a frown. "Dirty traitor."

I sigh as I lie down. Of course Peter would go to Erudite. He is always worried only about his own life. The moments of reluctant camaraderie between us feels like a dream now.

I try to sleep but I can't. Every time my eyes close, bringing me some semblance of sleep, I see people falling under my gun, people jumping in my way and falling down dead. There is so much red everywhere. I jerk awake, gasping, and try to go back to sleep, only for the dreams to recur. Finally, I can't do it anymore. I feel the monster of grief again, writhing in the space where my heart and stomach are supposed to be. I feel the guilt. For all those I couldn't save, for those who died because of me. Biting back a sob, I get down from my bunk. In the other bunks, I hear Christina moaning faintly, Marlene's muffled sobs and the creak of Lynn's bed as she tosses and turns restlessly. The nightmares will take a long time to get over, even though the loss was way lower than what could have happened.

Stumbling out of the dormitory, I blearily make my way to the only place in Dauntless where I have felt the safest, which has been the closest to home for me. The door is locked. I knock softly.

Tobias' eyes are half-lidded with sleep when he opens the door.

"Tris." He looks at me with some surprise. "Come in."

He closes the door behind him and I follow him to his bed. He rolls over, allowing me to lie down next to him.

"Bad dream?" he asks, pulling me closer to him. It suddenly occurs to me how thin my nightdress is; each touch of his feels like a jolt of electricity through my body.

I nod.

"What happened?"

"Just the guilt," I murmur with a shrug. "Could I — could I stay with you tonight?"

"You can stay with me every night if you want," he says, tracing my face with his fingers. "We are okay, you know. Even if everything else isn't, we are. Always remember that."

"I know." I smile a little. He wipes away the tears from my cheeks. I sigh.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't mean —"

"Don't apologize," he says sternly. "This is wrong. I know I said that your brother's death was for the greater good, but it is still wrong that you had to lose him before you could resolve things with him, that he couldn't stay with you. It was wrong that someone forced you to commit murder and live with the consequences. And even if someone may say that it's okay, it isn't. But everything will be okay one day. I promise you. One day it will be."

"Yes." I smile though my tears as our lips meet, as I fist his shirt in my hands and pull him closer, as his hand runs down my back. My fingers run across his jaw. He is strong. He is brave. He is mine. "I love you."

Tobias' left hand acts as a pillow for me as I bury my face in his muscled chest, his other hand running soothingly over my body. Peace envelopes me with his warm comfort, and in his arms, I am home. My eyes close, finally letting the tiredness seep through.

"Tris?" I hear him speak from a thousand miles away.

"Hmm?"

He says something, but by then, I am too far gone to catch it or to be able to care.


	25. Guilt, Grief and Reunions

**Hey guys, I know I am always late these days. I don't think I'll be able to keep up with the one week schedule anymore now that college is about to start and I have two stories to handle, but I'll be updating as frequently as possible.**

 **The Return crossed 300 reviews! I am SO happy! This is unbelievable. Thank you so much, everyone, for leaving** **your feedback, favoriting and following. I'll never be able to explain how much it means to me.**

 **Extra long chapter here! :)**

* * *

I wake up with my limbs entangled with Tobias'. His eyes are still closed as I slowly peel myself from his body, breathing deeply in the comforting, musky scent that is just him. He sighs when my hair accidentally brushes across his face. The deep ocean blue eyes stare up at me, and his hand stops my progress in getting away from him.

"Morning," he says, his voice deep from sleep. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you." I smile. "You?"

"I've discovered I do when I am with you," he says. His eyes flick momentarily towards my legs as I shift, my thin nightdress riding up a little to expose my legs till thigh length. I smile at his words, my cheeks heating up under his gaze.

"I'll go to the dorm and change," I say. "See you at breakfast?"

Tobias nods, pressing a quick kiss to my forehead before letting me go. "I'll be there," he promises.

Christina is already up when I enter the dormitory. In fact, most of the inhabitants are. And none of them look very good. The haunted look on most faces speaks of nightmares. Most of them are still blinking sleep out of their eyes as I begin to rummage in my drawer for clothes.

"Hey." Marlene smiles at me weakly, an upward twitch of her lips which does not touch her eyes. Her eyes are red-rimmed. "Where were you? Your bunk doesn't look very well slept in."

"I —" I open my mouth to speak, but Christina cuts in.

"With her dear boyfriend, of course." She grins a little. "Wish the rest of us could have such caring men in our lives." Her smile completely slips off at that and she looks down. I know she is thinking of Will.

"I should have slept with Uriah, then," Marlene jokes. "Would've done us both good, even if it might have included flashing some underwear. The bunks are small."

"What's this about flashing underwear and sharing bunks?" Uriah asks, stepping out from the boys' bathroom. "Whatever it is, I'm in."

Marlene punches Uriah in the arm. He just laughs and drapes his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey, so are you two —" I ask Marlene as we step towards the shower.

"What? No, not yet!" Marlene exclaims, turning red. "It — it doesn't look like _that_ , does it?"

"I was just asking if you were dating yet." I laugh as understanding dawns on Marlene's face and she chuckles.

"Oh. Well, not yet for that either." She shakes her head with a smile, looking much happier than before. "About my previous question, does it —"

"Does too. You sure look like you're getting some," Christina laughs, walking in behind us, and laughs even more when Marlene's face turns beet red. "Kidding. Girl, just get together already. You two are practically a pair as it is." Marlene just smiles a little, shaking her head. I smile at the two; Christina and Marlene have become fast friends, something which I hadn't seen last time because of our rift. Being victims of the same scheme has created a bond between them.

"I just wish my man would be back too," Christina says wistfully when Marlene goes off into the shower.

"He will be," I tell her quietly.

"I know." Christina sighs. "And I wish the nightmares would stop."

I have no answer to that.

-o0o-

Tobias and I sit down to breakfast together. Other than a few catcalls from random people and jealous stares from some girls, no one pays us much attention. People are talking amongst themselves, but the usual chaos and random fun that is seen in Dauntless is gone. The nightmare lingers in people's eyes.

I cut my pancake into small pieces, picking one of them up. As I swallow the piece in my mouth and look down, I notice that a big piece is gone.

"Tobias." I narrow my eyes at him.

"What?" he asks with angelic innocence, but the little bulge in his cheek gives him away.

"Stop stealing my pancake."

"It was only one piece." He grins.

"Well, then I can have a bit of your cake." I smile devilishly.

"Hey, no, not the cake!"

I laugh, trying to get past his arms and pick up some of the chocolate cake on his plate. We struggle playfully for a while, then abruptly stop. Something is wrong. And then I realize what it is. The whole dining hall is silent. Everyone is looking at us. I look at Tobias, puzzled. He looks just as confused.

"It was Four," a man says, and I recognize him as one of the men outside the control room yesterday. "He said he stopped the simulation."

"What happened yesterday? How did you stop the simulation?" someone calls. Soon everyone is demanding the same thing — explanation. I want to get out. But even as I let my eyes dart around nervously, my gaze falls on Christina. She is looking at me.

"What happened yesterday? I'd like to know it too," she says. "Please tell us, Tris."

I sigh, looking at Tobias. He looks nervous, but he nods.

"Okay," I say quietly. "Okay," I shout this time, and everyone falls silent. "I'll tell." Everyone is looking at me. I feel the urge to look at the floor.

"We had got wind that the Erudite were planning to attack Abnegation with the help of Dauntless." I tell them all of it — Max and Eric's plan, our mode of action, what we did. I leave out the parts of me nearly shooting my mother, of my confrontation with Will. When I am done talking, the silence is deafening.

"Tris, Four," a woman says, and from her similarity to her sons, I recognize her as Zeke and Uriah's mother. Her voice shakes with emotion. "We can't thank you enough. I think you have earned the title of Dauntless."

Cheers break out across the room. I hear claps and cheers, praises and wolf-whistles. But I can't feel them much. I don't think I deserve them.

"But how were you awake?" Shauna asks me from a table away.

"The simulation didn't affect me. I am Divergent." I look at Tobias. "We are Divergent."

The effect of my quietly spoken words is immediate. Silence falls, then everyone starts to mutter. The looks I get are varied — awed to curious to judgmental to disgusted to scared. I am so uncomfortable now; I really want to get out.

"Want to leave?" Tobias whispers in my ear. I nod gratefully.

"Let's visit your parents," he offers. My eyes widen.

"Are you sure?"

He looks nervous, but nods. "Get ready. We'll meet at the entrance."

I nod again and gratefully take the escape.

It takes me a few minutes to dress appropriately. I walk from the dormitory down an empty hallway which leads to the Pit. I am straightening my jacket one last time and tucking some loose strands of my hair into my braid, when someone roughly pushes me against the wall. I find myself face to face with soulful brown eyes and a face which appears younger than mine. The eyes are bloodshot and wild, the face contorted with rage. It takes me a second to fathom what is happening, and then my reflexes kick in. Even as the boy tries to land a punch on me, I twist in his grip and stomp on his foot, jerking my head back to hit his face. He was evidently unprepared for my skills and acting on impulse alone; he lets out a yelp and steps back. I rapidly put some distance between us, breathing heavily. My attire has already become ruffled.

"What do you want?" I gasp out.

"You killed him!" the boy screams at me. He cannot be older than me; he is probably a resident Dauntless, yet to be initiated. I don't know him. His words make my insides turn cold. "My brother died! And all because of you!"

I stumble back. "W-what do you mean?"

"He got shot near the elevator and you were the one going trigger happy! You killed him, you bitch!"

"I — I —" I don't know what to say. I feel the blood drain from my face. The boy's brother must have been among the soldiers who charged on us in the elevator. "I didn't —"

"You're a bitch," the boy spits, looking positively deranged. His breath reeks of alcohol. "They can call you a hero all they want, but you're a killer!" His fist swings out towards my face, and this time I don't stop him. It collides with my nose with a wet and painful crunch.

He swings his fist back again for another hit, but a voice stops him.

"Hey!"

Both of us turn to see Uriah running towards us, looking furious.

"What do you think you are doing? Leave her alone!"

The boy laughs bitterly. "Yeah, go on, defend her! She's a freaking hero, right? He killed Joe, you know! He killed my brother!" He bellows the last sentence out.

Uriah's expression doesn't change. "It wasn't her fault," he says coldly. "If anything, you should be thankful —"

"Of course, that's what you'd say! I bet you're as much of a freak as she is." Uriah flinches. "Yes, I remember, I saw you out there. You were awake, weren't you? You are Divergent. You are screwed in the head too!"

"That's enough," Uriah growls. I have never seen him so angry before. "You —"

"What is going on here?" I turn at the familiar voice to see Tobias striding down the hallway. The boy gives him a venomous glare and then runs off in the opposite direction, muttering something about Divergent and freaks.

"Tris!" Tobias' eyes widen as he notices my bloodied, now throbbing nose. "What happened?"

"Just a pansycake taking his misery out on Tris," Uriah says with a grimace. "You'd better get that cleaned up," he tells me. "I'll see you around, yeah?" He offers me a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He looks pained and angry.

I nod. "Thank you." My voice comes out like Peter's after I had broken his nose.

He shrugs and smiles again before leaving. And so Tobias and I are left alone. Frowning at the condition of my nose, Tobias wipes the blood off with his sleeve.

"Come with me to the infirmary," he says. I shake my head.

"I'll just clean it up; it'll be okay. I — I just need to get out."

The frown on Tobias' face deepens. "Are you —"

"Please, Tobias." I look at him with pleading eyes.

He sighs. "At least let me see to it."

"Okay," I say in a small voice. Tobias leads me to the drinking fountain, and cupping his hands to fill it with water, splashes it on my face. I wince at the coldness hitting my nose, but after repeating the gesture a few times, Tobias seems slightly satisfied. He grips my nose gently, testing its condition. It hurts.

"I don't think it's broken, but it's bad," he says. "Promise me you'll let me take you to the nurse after we are back."

"We'll see," I say vaguely. Tobias purses his lips, dissatisfied, but doesn't say anything.

"Let's go?" I offer. He nods, then offers me a gun. "It might seem inappropriate, but I think it would be unwise to step out of Dauntless unarmed."

I don't feel happy at the situation; inappropriate doesn't even begin to describe carrying weapons in a place of mourning, but I know Tobias is right. It would be foolish to be defenseless with the traitor Dauntless and Jeanine after us. I nod, warily curling my fingers around the weapon. It feels heavy and hateful, especially with the boy's accusations still ringing in my ears. Together, we start walking. I feel defeated, the guilt I had only just managed to push away crowding over me all over again. We move out of the Dauntless compound, but the discomfort chases me on; how many loved ones of the Dauntless down there have I killed? Last time, I know I had killed many more, but situations had not permitted me to think about that, to think about anything much beyond my parents' death. But this time, I have ample time to think about it, and people have opportunity to blame me for their loss now that the truth is out so soon, while their pain is fresh. They called me 'Dauntless ' this morning; they cheered for me; now I am not sure I am deserving of any of it.

"What happened in there?" Tobias breaks the silence between us once we board the train, sitting down close to each other. Every step we took had to be careful; we kept looking around warily all the time to ensure that no traitor Dauntless were in our vicinity.

"Nothing," I say shortly.

Tobias raises an eyebrow. "As far as I know, 'nothing' never gave anyone bloodied noses, Tris."

I scowl, not knowing why I am so annoyed all of a sudden. "I don't want to talk about it, Tobias."

"Look, Tris," Tobias begins seriously, "what happens to the remaining loyal Dauntless and what happens to you is my —"

"God, _Four_ , can't you believe for a second that I can take care of myself? Why do you have to act like you are my fucking guardian?" I regret screaming out those words as soon as they come out of my mouth. Tobias' eyes widen, hurt filling them, and he drops the hand which he had placed on my arm. Though we are sitting inches away, the distance between us seems to grow by miles.

"I — I am sorry," I say quickly. "I didn't mean to say that."

He looks at me, but his eyes are closed off.

"Did you not, now?" he says evenly, his voice quiet, laced with hurt.

"No," I say as sincerely as possible. "I know you meant well. I just... have been pretty messed up, I guess."

Tobias doesn't say anything. Tentatively, I reach out and place my hand over his. He jerks it ever so slightly, as if about to shake it off, but holds it in place.

"I don't want us to fight, Tris," he says, not quite looking at me. "Just because I care about you doesn't mean I don't have faith in your strength. Were it so, I would never have let you go to Abnegation alone yesterday."

I sigh. "I know. I am sorry. I got carried away. That was out of line." I pause. "That boy... I killed his brother."

Tobias' eyes widen. "He was among the soldiers you shot by the elevator," he guesses.

"Yes," I say. "The boy blamed me for his death." _He was right._

"No, he wasn't." I look up, startled to realize that I had said my thoughts out loud. Tobias looks at me gravely. "It's easy to point fingers at people when you have lost someone, but most of the time we forget what it was like for the person who pulled the trigger. We almost never think that way."

The simple and yet meaningful words he says goes straight to my heart. I shift close to him, relieved when he drapes his arms around me.

"We never get over what we have done, what we have lost. I'm not asking you to do that, Tris. But you need to stop punishing yourself," Tobias says softly.

"I know." I rest my head on his chest. "I am really sorry for saying all that. I love you, you know."

He smiles a little, pressing a kiss on my hair. "I know."

-o0o-

The streets of Abnegation are peppered with bullet marks, as are the houses. An air of desolation clings to the surroundings, but at least it is not the ghost town which it must have been reduced to last time. Silence stretches around, but not eerie, just wary. Most doors are closed, but there are some people around. Surprising me, they smile at me with the typical close-lipped Abnegation smile, offering me little bows as Tobias and I pass. Many walk over to me and openly thank me, their demeanor quiet but their eyes full of sincere gratitude. They consider me a hero. I feel anything but.

After managing to pass through the series of thankful families, which increased in number as the voices attracted attention, Tobias and I finally make our way towards my house. Tobias' hand holding mine feels like the only real thing around. Everything else appears surreal to me.

By the time we stand facing the gray door with the correct number written on it, both Tobias and I are suffering from a bad case of sweaty palms. This is not just a visit to a mourning family, this is a visit to _my_ family, and this is the first time my parents will be formally meeting my boyfriend. The thought sends pools of excitement, sadness and worry swirling in my belly.

"Are you ready?" I ask Tobias. He looks nervous, and the uncertain expression on his face is so rare and rather amusing, had it not been this situation I'd have laughed.

"As ready as I'd ever be," he says. "Let's do this." I nod, taking a deep breath, and raise my free hand to knock. Tobias makes an attempt of pulling his hand away from mine, but I stop him.

"Don't," I answer his questioning and anxious glance. "Don't let go." I don't know who needs the other's touch more, but I know that I, at least need his hand in mine, to keep me firmly rooted to sanity among other things.

I knock.

My father opens the door. He looks like he has aged several years overnight, his usually neat appearance ruffled today. His hair, close cropped in the way Abnegation do, appears uncombed, and his eyes are just a bit red. At that moment I am reminded that Caleb was the favorite child between the two of us for my father, even though my parents usually were careful not to show any partiality in treatment. Caleb's transfer had hurt my father, but he had accepted him with open arms when he came back. And now he has lost his son, permanently.

"Beatrice. Come in." Dad offers a weak smile. His eyes fall on Tobias and then lower to our joined hands, and his eyes seem to bulge out of their sockets, shock making him snap out of grief. "Uh, and your... friend... can come in too," he manages after some hesitation.

Biting back laughter at his reaction, I step inside the house with Tobias. The movement promptly makes all amusement disappear from me. The gray walls of the house seem sadder than ever. Where once they radiated a sense of calm, now they seem to echo my family's grief. An urn is placed on the mantle over the fireplace — Caleb's ashes. I flinch at the sight of it. Tobias stands beside me, his eyes darting around the room in small movements of curiosity, his body screaming out his discomfiture. My father's eyes drift between his black clothes and our entwined hands, and I can practically see the gears turning in his head, his lips pursed. I expect him to ask questions, but he doesn't.

"Well," my father says, "won't you sit down?"

We do. For a couple of seconds, we sit in uncomfortable silence, neither of us knowing how to start a conversation. Then my mother enters the room. She looks sad too, her eyes, Caleb's eyes, dimmed, but the fierceness of spirit which I had only come to notice later in my life is still intact.

"Beatrice! I was hoping you'd come." Her smile is more genuine than Dad's, and when her gaze falls on Tobias, a look of surprise crosses her face. She gives him a kind smile before sitting down beside my father.

"Mom, Dad..." I pause, trying to gather my breath, "I am so sorry." My eyes drift to the urn as I speak, making it all too clear what I am talking about.

My father looks down. "We all are. But it was a good death," he says, his voice thick with emotion. "He did what he went for. He made us proud." Mom stays silent, but her eyes are alight with pride too. They don't know that Caleb was a traitor, that he had sided with Jeanine the whole time. To their eyes, he is a martyr. I let them think so, not wanting to hurt them further. He did redeem himself. And with that, my sense of guilt deepens. Under the table, Tobias squeezes my hand, as if sensing my feelings.

"I am really sorry. It was my fault. I should have —"

"It is all right, Beatrice. Whatever happened, it is not your fault," Mom says. "Caleb found his peace, I am sure. That is all that matters."

It is all Abnegation nonsense, but I don't comment.

"I am glad you are okay." Dad grasps my other hand across the table. "Without you, the simulation couldn't have been stopped. Everyone from Abnegation is indebted to you."

"It wasn't just me," I say. "I couldn't have done it without his help." I look at Tobias. My parents look at him as soon as the words leave my mouth. And I realize my mistake. Tobias looks even more uncomfortable with all the attention focused on him.

"Oh," my father says, looking at him curiously. Tobias holds his stare. "That is nice to hear. I never asked your name."

I fidget. "Uh, Dad he is —"

"Tobias Eaton, sir," Tobias cuts in. I freeze, my eyes widening as I look at him. He isn't looking at me, but he looks resolute. Absolute silence falls across the room. My mother looks surprised, but there is the slightest of smiles at one corner of her lips. My father's eyes are wide. I hold my breath, waiting for his reaction.

But then he does something I had not expected at all. He reaches out across the table to hold Tobias' free hand in both of his. Tobias' eyes widen in shock, and he almost pulls it back. My father doesn't seem to notice.

"I'm so sorry, son," he says, his voice sincere, his eyes full of emotions. "I — I never knew what you went through all this time. Marcus lied to us all these years."

"I hope you can forgive us, Tobias," my mother says. Dad must have told her about Marcus' confession. "Or would you like us to call you Four?"

"Tobias will be fine, Mrs. Prior," Tobias says quietly, still looking shell-shocked at how things turned out. My father looks at him curiously.

"Please call me Natalie." My mother smiles, which fades away as she speaks again. "We never knew what a monster he really was. I swear we would have helped you in any way we could have if we had known."

Tobias nods, looking between my parents. "I believe you," he says simply.

"I'd have him suspended from leadership, but unfortunately we don't have enough proof," my father says grimly, anger flashing in his eyes. "Unless you personally file a case against him, I am afraid nothing can touch him. Would you —"

I want him to say yes, but Tobias shakes his head.

"It's okay... It was quite some time back. Please don't feel guilty about it, Mr. Prior, Mrs. — Natalie."

My mother smiles a little sadly. "Well, you sit, I will get you something to eat."

"I'll help," I say and follow her into the kitchen. She smiles at me as she puts some chicken in the pan. "Things seem much better between the two of you since I first saw him," she says, mischief in her eyes.

I blush. "They are," I admit.

"I am happy for you," she says simply. "Keep him well. He deserves some love."

I nod, and together, we work in silence for some time with the same seamless coordination which I was once used to.

"Mom," I say, suddenly remembering him. "Is Will here?"

She looks at me and nods. "He is upstairs, resting in your room. I brought him back with me last night after he woke up." She smiles a little. "He is a nice boy, although he was a little awkward. You can go see him."

My palms sweat as I open the door to my old bedroom. And there he is, a book in hand which I recognize as one of the few I had for light reading, looking just the same as I have ever known him. His right hand is bound in a sling.

"Will," I whisper. My voice comes out scratchy. He looks up, and his eyes widen.

"Tris!" He drops his book, stumbling out of bed the same moment I move towards him, and before I know it, my arms are around his neck. His good hand reaches around my waist. I revel in the fact that he is here, he is solid, he is well. He is alive. _He is alive_. And this change feels like a small victory entirely in itself. At least I did _something_.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I am so sorry I had to shoot you. If you remember —"

"I do," he says, looking completely serious for once. His celery green eyes are bright with emotion. "And _I_ am sorry, Tris. I almost killed you. I — I could see you and I knew you but somehow all I could think was that I had to kill you and I just couldn't stop myself —"

"It's okay," I say. "We are both alive, and that's all that matters." He nods. "But it is my fault — I wish you didn't have to wear your hand in a sling."

"How could you?" He feigns hurt. "I thought you liked my sling! It adds to my irresistible charm!"

I roll my eyes, laughing a little. Will's eyes turn thoughtful.

"How's Christina?" he asks softly.

"Waiting," I say.

"I wanted to go back right after I woke up, but Mrs. Prior said I was in no condition to move on my own, and that you'd come for me."

"She knows me well." I smile.

"My knight in shining armor has finally arrived!" he squeals in a high voice and then chuckles, making me roll my eyes again.

"You can go home with us. Come on downstairs."

"'Us'?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Four's with me."

"Ah yes, the boyfriend," he drawls, a grin on his face, elbowing me in the ribs.

"Shut up." We laugh as we go out the room.

Tobias offers a nod and a slight smile to Will as we sit down at the table. He appears much more at home now. He smiles at me as Mom places our food before us.

"What are you going to do about Jeanine?" I ask my father.

"Nothing has been done yet, but as soon as the leaders assemble at the Hub, Jeanine's position in the government will be suspended." Dad scowls. "The same goes for the current Dauntless leaders."

"About that," Tobias quietly puts in, "Max is dead."

"And Eric is probably not in a condition to move very much right now." I smirk.

"That's good. The bastards!" my father says. "I'm sorry," he adds, blushing. "That was inappropriate. I forgot myself." No one minds, of course.

"Beatrice," my mother speaks suddenly. I look at her with some surprise; she has been silent so far.

"Yes, Mother?"

"I would like to talk with you alone for a while, if it's okay."

I look at Tobias, who looks puzzled. Then I turn to my mother and nod, rising from the chair. She leads me into my parents' bedroom and sits on the bed.

"Sit down, Beatrice." I settle down beside her.

"What did you want to talk about?"

She looks pensive. "I heard that you asked your father to prevent the leaders from releasing the file. You told us the same when you came to warn us." She looks at me gravely. "I want to know why."

"I think you should know why," I tell her quietly. She only offers me a curious stare.

"I..." I look around a little. "Are we being watched?"

Mom blinks. "No. Of course not."

"You know what I mean, Mom."

Her expression says that she does. "How do you know? Do you know about _him_?"

I simply nod. Mom looks bewildered, then sighs. "Well, he is not watching," she says. "The city is watched from several places, but this is not one. So tell me, Beatrice. How do you know?"

I look down, tugging at my sleeve nervously. When I came here, I had not expected an interrogation.

"It will take too long to explain fully, but my consciousness is from the future. I know several things which I wouldn't have normally."

Mom frowns. "It seemed so. How long ago did all that extra knowledge come in?"

I look at her in the eye. "The day of the Aptitude tests."

"Let me guess," she says slowly. "When I was cutting your hair?"

I nod, a little surprised. "You remember."

She smiles. "You certainly acted strangely then. Like I wasn't supposed to be there." A look of sadness seeps into her face, like she realized the full implication of it. Then it goes away, replaced by a solemn expression.

"So you know about David?"

I nod. "I met him. He killed me." It feels strange to say it like that.

Mother gasps. "No!" she breathes. I nod.

"He did. That's when my consciousness came back to that day some months back."

My mother bows her head. "What else do you know?"

"I read your journal, Mom. In the Bureau."

Her head jerks up in shock. "You read it all?"

I nod. "David talked to me about you too."

She lowers her head again. "I meant to tell it all to you someday," she says softly, her hand snaking around mine. "I couldn't find the chance." She hesitates. "I — I hope you understand —"

"It's okay, Mom." I smile at her a little, and she smiles back uncertainly. "But what I don't understand is why you are still attempting to release the video. It's not the entire truth."

I see some surprise in her expression, which is replaced by comprehension; she must have figured out piece by piece how far the waters had flowed in the life I had once lived. "I know that," she says softly. "It is one of the many steps of the Bureau's plans. Of the experiment that the government is conducting."

"But it's a lie!" I burst out. "The world is not in danger! True, the Fringe is a mess," Mom flinches, "but all they need the Divergent for is to breed genetically pure kids. They just need us in order to check if the experiment succeeded!"

My mother places her hand on my shoulder.

"Beatrice," she says, "What you are saying is absolutely correct." She looks at me, her eyes soft. "With time, I cut my connections with David; it was not only because I deviated from his plan, or just because I loved Andrew. It was because I fell in love with this city. I was fascinated with it ever since I was brought into the Bureau; I used to watch the screens for hours. After I was sent here, it came to mean even more to me. It became my home. I didn't want to see it as an experiment anymore; I didn't want to be a part of the group conducting the experiment. So I did it." She sighs. "It was not my decision that the file be released; it was the Abnegation leaders'. Most of them don't know what that file contains. They just know it is important, and that it must be released. And those that do consider it even more so, since the message is by a Prior, and seems to speak the truth about the city." She purses her lips. "I had my doubts when the decision was made, but I was not in a position to alter that decision."

"The people are not ready," I tell her, remembering the chaos the video caused. "Some of them will want to venture out, others won't. There will be war."

Mom nods. "I will try my best to stop the file from being released. Some leaders, like Marcus, want it to be publicized. He was one of strongest advocates for this decision. But everyone is shaken after the Erudite attack; it should not take much to get them to back down. Your father has been convinced too, since you were right about the attack...he now believes you to be right here too." She smiles. "Although he has no idea why you should be."

"About that," I fidget, "I'd like it if you didn't tell my secret to him. I'm not sure if he'll —"

Mom nods. "I'll make something up, don't worry. Does Tobias know?"

"He does," I say. "I couldn't keep the truth from him."

"That's good. Love is nothing without trust." I blush. "And Beatrice," she smiles at me. "You have been doing so well. You have made good use of your knowledge."

I look at her uncertainly. "You think so?"

"If that weren't so, I believe I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you right now." She smiles knowingly. "Or the people of Abnegation still be alive in their houses." I smile nervously at that.

"But I shot Mr. Black," I whisper.

"It was not your fault, child. I saw you. It was in no way your fault. And his family knows that," she says gently.

"I should go see them."

"You can, if you want." She smiles sadly. "Let us go and join the others. We have been away long enough."

"Do you need me to go with you?" Tobias offers quietly when I tell the others about going to see the Blacks. I shake my head, telling him I can manage.

"Be prepared," he whispers with a meaningful look at my trousers, where the gun is kept. I nod before stepping out of my house.

-o0o-

The train journey to Dauntless is eventless, with me and Tobias sitting close together and Will a little far away. Will needed assistance to board the train as his right hand isn't functioning. I feel bad as I look at him. My left side isn't entirely working either due to my shoulder and arm wounds, but it doesn't trouble me much since I am right handed. As I sit, I think about my meeting with the Blacks. They were grieving, but not one of them blamed me in any way. Susan told me that she has sent a letter to Robert telling him the news; now it is up to him to turn up for the funeral. I still can't accept how kind they were to me, thankful even for stopping the simulation. That is how true Abnegation is. I recall Susan's words before I left: "Keeping grudges does not help anyone. Instead, forgiveness can allow both sides to heal."

It appears that the only person who needs to really forgive me is myself.

-o0o-

Christina's scream as she hurled herself at Will when she saw him nearly deafened me. Now she is sobbing into his chest while Will tries uncomfortably to prevent his sling from getting wet.

"Hey, now," he says softly, "That's my cotton girl."

"Cotton girl?" Christina raises her eyebrows. Will grins lopsidedly.

"Yeah. Tough as cotton balls, remember?"

"Oh, shut up." Christina turns red and smacks him on the chest.

"I'm glad you're back," she mumbles.

Will smiles. "I am glad I'm back too."

"That's some reunion," Tobias murmurs beside me. "Care to get away before my ears fall off?" But he is smiling as well.

"I'd like that," I whisper, and we walk away to give the happy couple their space.

"How did your father find out about Marcus?" Tobias asks as we walk.

"Well," I bite my lip to hide my smile, "I _might_ have punched Marcus and held a gun to his head to get him to admit everything in front of Dad and Caleb."

"No, really?" he laughs, his voice shocked and amused at the same time. "You really did that?"

"Why is it so difficult to believe?" I grin at him.

"I don't know... I guess I shouldn't be surprised." He chuckles, shaking his head. "You are something else, you know."

I smile. "I hope my father didn't give you a hard time."

"No, no, he is great," he says. We walk some distance in silence, not quite having a destination, just following the peace and quiet. "I am rather glad how things came to be, you know," Tobias says eventually, leaning against the wall in an empty hallway. I quirk an eyebrow at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... I know that there were losses this time too, especially with your brother, but looking back at what could have been, I think this is good enough."

I nod at him wordlessly.

"And it may seem selfish," he sighs, "but I am gladdest that you are okay. All those times when I nearly lost you... After that, having you here with me makes me feel lucky."

I smile. "I am glad you are okay too," I say. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. It's not over though, none of it is." I feel a sinking feeling in my gut as I say it.

"No, it isn't," Tobias agrees. "Do you think Jeanine will take action immediately?"

"I don't think so," I say, thinking. "She has an army, but she should wait for an opportunity before striking. Especially now that Abnegation is still intact and she is not in the government anymore, she will be hindered."

"I doubt that not being a government leader will stop her," Tobias says grimly. "She will go on with her purpose anyway."

I try not to show how much his observation scares me. "I think you are right."

-o0o-

We end up in Tobias' apartment, in bed, kissing and cuddling and talking about random things, essentially trying to forget the crisis that we may be facing anytime now. I know we don't have much time; by last time's estimation, it would not take Jeanine too long to prepare long range transmitters, wired for multiple simulations. Either we will have to find a way to stop her or we'll have to strengthen the protection around Dauntless. If anyone gets shot by long range transmitters, it will be our undoing.

But for the time, I suppress those fears and lose myself in Tobias, our kisses intense and passionate, hands exploring. For that hour, I am in heaven, or I am truly home, and everything is fine.

A sudden knock on Tobias' door breaks us apart. With a low growl of annoyance, Tobias removes his hands from my waist and opens the door. I quickly try to fix my hair into some semblance of normalcy.

Uriah stands at the door. His expression is grim.

"Someone took the Jump," he says. "I thought you might want to know."

We hurry over to the Pit, where a crowd has assembled. I discover that it was the boy who punched me earlier. He was probably too drunk and fell over the railing when he was leaning too far. Or maybe it was attempted. No one can tell. I feel a pit in my stomach when I hear that. The boy's face flashes in my mind again and again — so young. It's my fault. Again.

"Listen everyone!" Tobias' voice carries through the noise without even being raised. I look at him.

"No one is going to stand too close to the chasm. And no one is going to take the Jump. Not even if everything feels too much and you want to end it," he commands. "Dauntless has already been reduced to half. We cannot afford to lose anyone else."

"And who are you to say that? Think yourself a leader to give orders?" someone from the crowd shouts.

If the comment, practically a repetition of what he was told yesterday, gets under his skin, Tobias doesn't show it.

"I may not be, but this is the need of the hour," he says levelly. "Jeanine will be looking for weaknesses in our faction. We cannot offer her anymore than what we have already."

There is pin drop silence. Everyone is hanging on to Tobias' words.

"Leaders!" someone calls out. "We need new leaders!"

Soon the chant is taken up by everyone around.

"Leaders! Choose! Now!"

"Fine. We will need new leaders," a voice says near me, and I turn to see Bud. "The law says we need more than one, and we need an odd number," he says. If you've got suggestions, you should shout them out now, and we'll vote if we need to. Okay, now go ahead."

"Four!" I hear Uriah shout. Across the Pit, people echo his choice. It is not unusual, since he had a large part in stopping the simulation, and it was he who gave a direction to people's thoughts in the chaos right now. His secret isn't out, apart from that he is Divergent, so he is still the Dauntless prodigy.

"Next?"

"Harrison!" someone says. I never liked him much, but no one protests against the decision.

Bud nods. Marlene cups her hand around her mouth and shouts, "Tris!"

"Tris!" Christina shouts.

"Tris!" Will agrees. Many murmurs and nods greet the call.

"That's it, then. Anyone else has anything to add?" No one says anything. Bud nods in acknowledgement. My heart beats fast. I am not supposed to be a Dauntless leader. I am not Dauntless. I am Divergent. And even though I now know how little significance that word holds, there is no denying that I am different, that even if Dauntless is my home, I will perhaps never truly belong here. But Tori isn't here yet, so I cannot step down to give her the position. My eyes seek out Tobias'. He gives me the slightest of nods. And I make my decision.

I will remain a leader till Tori is here, then I will step down. Yes, that's what I'll do.

And so the impromptu meeting breaks up, and this time, both Tobias and I are leaders.

I am not sure that is wise.

-o0o-

Dinner is a quiet affair after everything that happened today. Most people are huddled in groups, talking. The first decision Tobias took after becoming a leader was posting guards at every entrance to Dauntless, major or minor — shifts were assigned for every member to be on duty sometime. No route to Dauntless is to be left unguarded. I appreciate this measure.

Tobias and I sit at the table together; Christina and Will sat separately to have some time to themselves.

"Well, isn't this the table of misfits?" I turn to see Uriah sitting beside Tobias with a bitter smile.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Oh, nothing," he shrugs, "Shauna heard about my Divergence and she's making sure she doesn't catch it." I follow his gaze to where Shauna is sitting far away from us with her mother. Tobias doesn't say anything, but looking at the sadness on his face, I can tell that Shauna has avoided him since it was revealed to everyone that he is Divergent.

"We could form a group, you know," Uriah says bitterly, nursing a dark glass bottle, "The secret Divergent group. For those who are screwed in the head. Meet every other Friday. Normal people, stay away or you'll catch it."

"Well, we aren't afraid of _catching it_ ," a female voice says, and Marlene and Lynn drop down near Uriah.

"How come you're not with your sister?" Uriah asks.

"Screw her. Like I care," Lynn mutters. "I, for one don't care if you are freaky," Lynn says, smirking. " I don't believe for a moment that you'll fry us with your brain powers."

"Careful, Lynn; you can never know." I smirk mockingly.

"Oh, ha ha," Lynn rolls her eyes. "It think all that Divergent talk is a load of crap."

"Oh right? Then why does everyone run away from us like we are monsters?" Uriah scowls.

"Come on, Uri," Marlene says. "Who cares about others? We believe in you."

"You sure?" Uriah quirks an eyebrow.

"Absolutely," Marlene breathes. Their heads are very close together.

"Prove it," Uriah challenges. They seem to have forgotten that they are surrounded by people.

Marlene slips her hand under Uriah's collar and kisses him hard.

There is a clatter of a fork, and I turn from staring at Uriah and Marlene to see Lynn grab her tray and storm away from the table.

"What was that all about?" Uriah says, pulling away. He is very red.

"Dunno," Marlene says. "She's always angry about something." And she pulls Uriah to her again.

"Oh, stop with the PDA," Tobias mutters. I look at him. I know exactly what that was all about, and by his expression, Tobias does too. But we can't do anything about it.

-o0o-

The next two days go in relative peace. Caleb's funeral was held in the quiet Abnegation way, which Tobias and I attended. Thankfully, my parents were careful not to invite Marcus, so Tobias didn't have to face him.

The guard at the entries of Dauntless is always kept up. Slowly, the Dauntless have fallen into their rowdy, careless ways, but the tension still lives to some extent, and most of all, within Tobias and me, since we are the only ones who know the extent to which the danger lies. Tobias and I frequently discuss the possible ways we have of solving the problem. There are two ways to tackle Jeanine — to attack Erudite head on, or to take legal action against Jeanine. After hearing my story, Tobias is reluctant to attack Erudite, and there is no question of doing it now since we are only half a faction. The numbers are by no means enough. And though we have not talked about it yet, I hope he is not thinking of allying with the factionless again.

I have taken to spending the nights in Tobias' apartment, mainly because his presence keeps the nightmares away, and he hasn't complained about the arrangement at all. Will is healing, but his sling is still intact. Christina is always with him. Uriah and Marlene are together, and Lynn more withdrawn than ever. Shauna is still avoiding us.

I snuggle against Tobias, smiling at the warmth of his strong arms wrapped around me. He is asleep, indicated by his deep, measured breathing. I know it's late; my eyes flutter shut under the comfort of Tobias' warm cage. I can't help think how I'd like to stay like this all the time.

I am nearly asleep when a small beep wakes me up. I blink drowsily, slowly realizing that the beeps are coming from my pocket. Then it stops. I fumble carefully in the pocket of my pajamas to pull out the watch Cara has given me. I have kept it on my person most of the time, just in case. Looking at it, I feel a little guilty; I never communicated with Cara after the attack was over, consumed in my own worries. This feels incredibly selfish. Shifting carefully, I open the disk to reveal the screen, wondering what she would want to say so late. I read the message on the holographic screen, and with every word, my eyes widen. By the end of the message, my mouth is dry.

They do say good things never last.


	26. Trouble

**So, I'm back, and it's been two weeks since the last update! I'm so sorry. But college has made my life into a whirlwind, and I hardly get any time to write these days. On top of that, my creativity has failed me these few days, making me unable to write more than little fragments at a time. Still, I hope I did a fair job with this chapter. Thanks to everyone for the reads, reviews, favorites and follows. They mean so much to me.**

 **In response to the guest who reviewed, thank you for your review... I'm glad you like this story. And yes, I am taking English major, so that I can learn more about its literature, especially since it's not my native language.**

 **Thanks to everyone for your best wishes about college! :)**

 **So, enough blabbering. Here we go!**

* * *

I lie very still, the seconds ticking loudly, too loudly as my eyes stay stuck on the holographic screen of the watch.

 _Tris_ , it said, _We have worked together and I'm glad everything is over. But something has gone terribly wrong here. I need you to come here immediately. Please. Believe me, this is urgent. A lot is on stake. – C_

I don't understand. What does this mean? What could have happened? Why didn't Cara elaborate? Is she in danger? So many questions. But whatever has happened to make Cara send this message to me?

Biting my lips, I type on the screen.

 _What happened? Are you safe?_

There is no reply for one whole minute. Then the watch pings quietly, again. The answer is very short.

 _Can't talk. Help. Please._

The little words make my blood run cold. Is Cara in danger? If she is in trouble, it's all my fault. Again. She had to put everything at risk because I asked her to. I need to help her. What should I do? I have no idea what kind of danger she is in.

But then, I know I am not sure of anything but one — I need to get out of here.

I run my tongue over my lips nervously, stowing the watch back into my pocket, and then very slowly begin to wriggle away from the cage of Tobias' arms around me. He is a light sleeper, so I have to be very careful. I shift downwards, but my shoulder hits Tobias' forearm. Groaning inwardly, I grasp his arm and slowly lift it from my body.

 _Don't wake. Don't wake._

A low groan escapes his lips and I freeze, wincing. But then, he simply turns away from me, his hand landing on the quilt. I sigh in relief. That's done, then. I climb down from the bed and pad away towards the door. I am just turning the doorknob and pulling the door open, when a sleepy voice from the bed makes me freeze.

"Tris?"

I turn slowly to see Tobias sitting up in bed, staring at me blearily.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I — I'm thirsty," I say. "I'll just be back from the drinking fountain."

"I'm sure I have a bottle here in the refrigerator," he offers. "You don't have to go."

"It's fine." I fake a smile. "I'll be back in a minute. Go back to sleep, Tobias."

He looks at me intensely for a long moment, as if trying to look through my statement, through me. I hope my expression is stoic. Finally, he nods, sinking back among the pillows. I smile a little at him, slipping out of his apartment.

A heavy sigh slips from my lips as I shut the door behind me. I don't even know why I lied to him.

I do go to the drinking fountain. The blue light overhead shines eerily upon me, rendering the blue holographic screen of the watch bluer than ever as I open it to read the message again. The cameras are not functioning; I don't have to worry about being spied on.

I let my eyes skim over the message again. I don't know what to make of it. What could have happened to Cara to make her send me this message? Could Jeanine have found out about her? All I know is this — I have to go to Erudite. She needs me; if anything bad has happened to her, it's my fault. Ensuring that she is okay is my responsibility. I have to go.

I let my eyes run over the two messages, one after the other. They make no more sense than they did the first time, not revealing any detail to me. Everything remains exasperatingly vague. I think about what I should do. It would be better to go to the dormitory and retrieve the gun which Tobias had given me — which I have kept in my drawer ever since we visited my parents. And then... well, I'll see what I can do.

 _Can't talk. Help. Please._

God, Cara. What happened to you? I straighten up, ready to leave.

"Who's this message from?"

I jump, nearly dropping the watch in my hands, and turn around.

"W-Will!"

He stands facing me, his head cocked a little to the side, his expression one of concern.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to keep my tone nonchalant.

"Bad dreams," he says quietly. "Thought I'd cool off. But you didn't answer me. What are _you_ doing here? Who is this message from?"

"It's for me," I say defensively, hoping that he'd back off. But Will only nods, looking curious.

"I can see that. But who is it from? It looks serious."

I look away, not replying. How can I possibly tell him?

"Nobody," I mutter. "I — I have to go." I try to walk past him, but Will grasps my wrist, effectively stopping my progress. I glare at him tiredly. "Will. Please let go."

He frowns. "Tris." He looks at the watch carefully, which still flashes the holographic screen. "Erudite, isn't it?" he remarks. "Too clever for anyone else. Is it your brother?"

I pull back my hand from his, feeling like his words burned me. "My brother is _dead_." The words come out harsher than intended. Will winces.

"Oh — oh yeah. I — I forgot. I'm such an — I am sorry, Tris." He looks at me sincerely. His eyes silently ask his next question — _then who?_

I look down. There is no way out of this. Since he has figured out that the message is from Erudite, I'll either have to tell him the truth or have him assume that I am siding with the Erudite.

"It's Cara," I whisper. Will blinks.

"Excuse me?"

"The message is from Cara," I say, a little more loudly. My guilt intensifies in the pit of my stomach.

Will's eyes widen. "W-what has Cara got to do with this?"

"Everything," I whisper. "Cara helped me stop the simulation; we made plans together. We communicated through this watch. And now..."

"She may be in danger," Will concludes, his face falling. I look down.

"I'm so sorry, Will."

"You're planning on going to Erudite alone, aren't you?" Will's words make my head snap up. His gaze is shrewd, a crease between his brows.

I put up my best poker face. "I am not planning on doing anything yet."

He doesn't reply; his expression doesn't give away anything. With every passing second in his presence, I grow more and more uncomfortable. I have to go.

"I'll see you around, Will." I nod, turning away from him. He doesn't stop me this time.

Getting my gun from the dormitory is easy; everyone is fast asleep and my steps are quiet. I slowly move towards the exit, trying to plan a mode of action as I do. The journey to Erudite seems to pose no major challenge; the guards at Dauntless won't stop me, and I'll catch a night train. I will have to be very careful at Erudite. My hold on the gun tightens as I walk.

I am moving up the rock cut steps that lead towards the exit when I hear footsteps behind me. I turn, wary. And wish I hadn't.

"Tris." His quiet voice reverberates across the silent hallway. I freeze, but the damage is already done.

My eyes meet midnight blue. At the foot of the staircase, one foot on the first step, Tobias stares up at me, Will at his side. I stare back helplessly, not knowing what to do.

"Sorry, Tris," Will says, staring between the two of us. "I had to."

I wet my lips with my tongue. Tobias' eyes are burning into me. Recognizing defeat, I walk back down until we all are at the same level. Tobias' gaze never leaves me the whole time, but he doesn't speak either.

"Why did you call him up, Will?" I say tiredly, breaking my gaze from Tobias'. Once I do so, it becomes difficult to look at him again.

Will looks grave. "I couldn't just let you go off on a suicide mission —"

"I never said I was going —"

"You didn't have to," Will cuts in. "I could see it. It's insane, Tris. Cara is _my_ sister, and _I_ am asking you not to go." He looks between Tobias and me, his expression uncertain.

"I wish you wouldn't talk about me like I am not here," Tobias says quietly, his eyes only on me. I resist the urge to flinch. "Could you please leave us for a while, Will?" he says. "I'll let you know what we are doing next."

Will nods at Tobias and walks away into the darkness, leaving us alone. I struggle to meet Tobias' eyes.

"Why are you here?" I mutter.

"Do you need me to answer that?" His voice is quiet, almost a whisper but not quite. I look at him. His face is smooth, expressionless, but his eyes are brimful of hurt and disappointment. "I thought you'd know better than this." His hand waves in the general direction of the exit.

I look down. "I —"

"Will told me about Cara's message. You were going to Erudite. Alone. Again."

"I am not doing anything _again_ ," I retort.

"Not to me, but for you? You had gone to Erudite alone before. You had left me alone." His voice trembles a little with emotion. "I thought you'd have learnt not to repeat it, after everything you have been through, but it seems I was mistaken." He sighs. "And... you lied to me. _Again_."

I flinch. "Tobias, I —"

"Why, Tris?" His voice lowers to a whisper, a plea. "Why can't you think how much it hurts me when you don't trust me, when you leave me? When you lied to me minutes before and walked up here, did you think about me even once?"

I lower my head shamefully. I hadn't. "You don't understand!" I say desperately. "I have to —"

"No, you don't 'have to'! You aren't thinking straight, Tris!"

I glare at him. "Are you trying to say I am mad?"

He shakes his head. "This isn't you thinking, Tris. It's your guilt. You are blaming yourself for everything, and now you don't want to have Cara's blood upon your hands."

"So what if I don't? Of course I don't!" I burst out. "I can't just sit back and do nothing, can I?"

"Have considered that it is a trap?"

I stagger back. "What?"

"It could be a trap to lure you in," he says seriously. "Jeanine could have gotten hold of the watch. It could be her posing as Cara."

I admit I had never thought of this before.

"What should I do?" I whisper.

"Wait for the night," he says. "Going alone and without a plan is a suicide mission. We could go around dawn when it's still dark. But first we need to plan."

I sigh, knowing that he is right and finding no better alternative. "Okay."

Tobias gives me a little push, his hand resting on the small of my back.

"We are in this together, Tris," he says very quietly, so much so that I almost miss it as we walk. "Please remember that. Don't shut me out."

I am tempted to retort that he is not a person great at trusting people either, to demand when _he_ would have trusted me with his secrets had I not known them already. The first time around, the biggest conflict between us had been regarding our secrets, and after everything, it seems that it might continue here as well. But I know that conflict will lead us nowhere, so I purse my lips and let my feet carry me on.

-o0o-

A small group assembles in the quiet dining hall to discuss our next steps within an hour. I scan the faces in silence, my gun still in my hip pocket — Will, Christina, Marlene, Uriah, Lynn, Shauna, among a few others. Uriah and Marlene hold hands, as do Will and Christina. Lynn's face is carefully expressionless; Shauna looks distinctly uncomfortable standing between Uriah and Lynn. Harrison stands with his arms folded. He had to be called up, being a fellow leader.

"I had to tell Chris," Will explains to me. "She saw something was wrong right away."

"Too right," Christina says grimly. "The rest heard."

"Surprised to have you here, Shauna," Uriah says pointedly. Most of the time, all we see in him is the laughing, joking boy, but now the hurt shows on his face. "Decided our freak show isn't contagious after all?"

"Uriah," Lynn says in a quiet warning tone. Sometimes I forget that past everything, Shauna is her sister. Marlene squeezes Uriah's hand.

Shauna sighs. "I'm sorry," she says softly. "I don't know what to think... after...after everything, but I don't want to lose my friends." Throughout the time, her eyes stay mostly on Tobias. We stand side by side, our fingers touching. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see him nod a little and offer her a small smile. Shauna smiles back.

"Glad you think so," Uriah says, breaking into his familiar smile. "No hard feelings, then."

"Moving to why we are here," Harrison says gruffly, "I don't see the point of making an effort."

"She is my sister!" Will says angrily.

"Faction before blood," Harrison says. "She is a bloody Nose, and that's the last sort person Dauntless is going to be helping." His statement holds infuriating finality.

"She played an important role in stopping the simulation," Tobias reminds him quietly. "Without her, Dauntless might still be an army of sleepwalking soldiers." Everyone flinches.

"All the same," Harrison says roughly, "I'm not going to leave Dauntless to save some random girl."

"We are not asking you to," I snap, my temper rising. "We'd just called you up so we could let you know!" Harrison frowns at me, but doesn't say anything; last time, he had called me a little girl. This time, my position as a leader causes him to treat me with some respect, albeit reluctantly.

"Tris and I are going to Erudite," Tobias says. "We thought that the absence of two leaders from Dauntless would need intimation, so that you take according steps if the need comes."

"Just the two of you aren't going, are you?" Marlene says, wide-eyed. "That's not going to be enough."

"I'll go!" Will pipes up. "I was in Erudite; I know the place."

"Don't you even think about it," Christina warns him. "You can't possibly hold a gun with your right hand in a sling. I'll go."

"Tris has got her shoulder bandaged up too," Will points out.

"My left side, Will," I tell him. "I can still shoot just fine. And don't worry, I know Erudite well enough." I don't elaborate on how, and thankfully no one asks.

"I'll go as well; I'd like to see how my brother is doing," Uriah says with a smirk. His eyes sparkle; he knows that Zeke is a spy and not a traitor.

"That's it, then, no more," Tobias says firmly. "We are going to have to be quiet and careful; we can't have too many people."

"Hey, I want to go!" Lynn grumbles.

Tobias flashes her a rare smile. "But Lynn," he says softly, "what would Dauntless do if all the good fighters are away?"

-o0o-

The wind whips strands of my hair into my face as I stand near the door, leaning against the wall. The sky is still dark, the slightest tint of orange upon the horizon. Behind me, Tobias sits with his legs folded in front of him, Christina and Uriah in similar positions against the opposite wall.

"You look like an avenging angel that way," Uriah comments with a lopsided smile.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" Christina comments with raised eyebrows.

"What? I was just passing a complement."

Christina rolls her eyes. "It's called flirting, Uriah."

I ignore their conversation and move to sit beside Tobias so our shoulders touch. He looks thoughtful, his eyes with that sleeping, dreaming blue always contemplating. A thin white scar reaches from the side of his forehead to his right cheek, a result of his fight in the control room, keeping company to the little scar on his chin. It will stay forever, a physical evidence along with the memories that will linger.

"Have you thought of a way we can get in?" he asks me quietly.

"We cannot barge in by the main entrance or any of the conventional routes; they'll have guards," I say slowly. I wrack my memories for the options we have. "There is a building on the left of the central building, overlapping the headquarters. It was used as a school for post-Choosing education before it fell to disuse." I remember Fernando's little history lesson, the memory hitting me like a punch in the gut. _He's alive._ I don't know how long he will be. "The windows of that building can be used to enter the headquarters."

"You know quite a lot," Christina says curiously.

"I know what I need to," I say carefully. She looks like she wants to ask more, but doesn't.

The rest of the trip goes in silence, the four of us looking at each other every now and then and anxiously touching the guns in our possession. I think of Cara, and what I am here for. Harrison dismissed her as an Erudite. But the images of her scaring Fernando with her stun gun, of her breaking her glasses in two come to my mind. She was the woman who sided with me even after I killed her brother. She is the woman who risked her safety to help me keep her brother safe. As the train rushes on, I think of Fernando, of the little girl Elia, of the dozen Erudite in the Amity safe haven — vague memories but hard-hitting nonetheless. I remember their laughter; past the pretense of their faction, I remember their humanity. I remember how Lynn died because the Dauntless destroyed all of Erudite's medical facilities. I remember Fernando slump, blood dripping, on the ladder. I remember my brother's face, a traitor's face, but bleeding from his choice of repaying a life debt at the last moment. Past and present, all melded to one in my head.

Sometimes, to find goodness, we need to look beyond faction loyalty. We need to look beyond 'healed' and 'damaged'. Sometimes, we just need to see others as humans, as equals, as friends, as family.

But there is no knowing if we will ever be able to.

-o0o-

We jump down in semi-darkness, all four walking quietly towards the Erudite headquarters. As I feel the cool hardness of my gun with my fingers, I am met with the strange realization of just how often I have been in this region. It's not exactly comforting.

"Stay sharp," Tobias warns in a low voice.

We creep towards the headquarters, our eyes peeled for any movement around. When we are close enough, I point to the building I had referred to. We stare at Michigan Avenue as we walk, where the Dauntless-factionless invasion had been, and I struggle to not let the images of the simulation-driven Candor invade my mind.

The back door is locked.

"Strange," I mutter as I struggle to pull it open. I had met Cara here, twice — once alone and once with Tobias and Fernando; it wasn't locked then, or was it just another of Cara's Erudite tricks?

"We'll just have to break the lock," Christina says, raising her gun. A shudder runs down my body as I realize that one half of our little group is the same as that when we had entered Erudite in my previous life, the other half a part of the Dauntless-factionless army.

"Stand back," Christina announces, and before anyone can say anything, the gun roars and I flinch at the ringing in my ears, shielding my face with my hands. I try the door. The lock is broken.

"Great," Uriah mutters, "You could have alerted the whole city with that noise."

"Like you had a better plan," Christina retorts. Tobias looks around warily, the rear guard, and closes the door after him as we enter the building. We navigate past dusty desks and chairs in the dark rooms.

"There will be a ladder somewhere," I say, trying to use my memory to find it. We do so shortly, and near a window — the only row of windows that line in the two buildings — on the third story.

"Is that how you entered last time? This way?" Tobias' warm breath tickles me as he whispers the words into my ear. I offer a jerky nod in reply. I stare at the Erudite building as I force the window open, Christina holding the ladder. Thankfully, one of the windows in the Erudite building is open, meaning that I don't have to worry about breaking the glass.

"This is crazy," Uriah breathes, but there is a smile on his face. "Our company has got to you, Tris."

We form the bridge between the two windows. I silently pray that there aren't any Erudite in the area — none are visible from here anyway; the area appears deserted.

"T— Four, you go first," I say. "Then Uriah and then Christina. I'll go in the end."

Tobias looks at me for a long moment, some uncertainty in his expression. Then he nods, his long legs allowing him to climb onto the window directly. We hold the ladder steady for him. His breath leaves him in a heavy burst as he starts crawling across, never once looking down. I watch him, holding my breath. He is afraid of heights. It must be so difficult for him. But Tobias doesn't waver once, swinging his legs down inside the Erudite building. He gives a thumbs up, indicating that it is safe for us to follow.

Uriah follows in safely, Tobias helping him in. I hold the ladder on one side, Tobias on the other with Uriah keeping guard, as Christina climbs across. I think I hear a noise behind me when she is halfway across, but there is only darkness in the room as I look around. It must be my imagination.

Finally, it's my turn. I take a deep breath. I am short; I'll have to climb onto the desk and then to the ladder to reach it. I face the window, Tobias, Uriah and Christina's anxious faces looking at me. _This is it._ I convince myself yet again that I am about to climb over an empty alley, not one full of Candor ready to shoot at the slightest movement.

Then several things happen at once. There is a noise behind me. Across the street, panic blooms on my friends' faces. They are not looking at me, but at something behind my shoulder.

All that happens within a second.

"Tris!" Tobias shouts. But before I can react, a sharp pain lights up at the back of my head. And then there is darkness.

-o0o-

I wake up surrounded by four walls. The room is small, maybe six feet long by six feet wide. The floor, the walls, and the ceiling are all made of the same light panels, dim now that glowed in the aptitude test room. In each corner is a tiny black camera.

A chill runs down my spine. By some cruel work of fate, I am in the same cell as last time. Or I may not be. They all look the same. But I cannot resist the terrifying onslaught of memories; this is the floor where I almost died. This is the room where I stayed, half-dead, hanging between simulation and reality. And I am here again. Where are my friends? Where is Tobias? I grit my teeth in frustration. So much for trying to save Cara. Now I don't know how I will save myself.

I don't know what to do; the urge to pace frantically, to tear my hair out and to scream and punch the wall is equally strong. I end up doing neither, remaining unmoving on the floor. The back of my head throbs painfully when I touch it.

After a while, whether an hour or a few minutes I don't know (not bothering to take out the Erudite watch from my pocket), the door opens, and at last I am face-to-face with my enemy and her Dauntless guards. Peter stands at her right shoulder, and a woman with lines on either side of her mouth stands at her left. Behind her is a bald man with sharp planes in his skull. I frown. I'm surprised Peter managed to make his way to become Jeanine's bodyguard. He must be very convincing to make them overlook his double-crossing. Determined not to look at him, I stand up.

"Hello, Beatrice," Jeanine says. She wears her Erudite attire and glasses and superiority. "I was hoping you'd be sensible. I expected your Abnegation tendencies to rise to the situation."

Tobias was right. This was a trap. Either Jeanine sent the message herself... or Cara switched sides.

"Where are my friends?"

"Taken care of," Jeanine says mildly. I should have known she wouldn't tell me. Why would she? She wants to collect information, not give it. I just hope that they aren't hurt... or... or worse. But it is me who Jeanine wants. It would make more sense for her to keep them hostage to make me talk.

I stand facing Jeanine silently, waiting for her to make the next move. She raises an eyebrow.

"I'm sure my Dauntless companions are disappointed," she says, "that you have not tried to claw my eyes out yet."

"That would be stupid."

She smiles thinly. "You are learning. Your boyfriend on the other hand... not so much." I struggle to keep my face emotionless; I wonder what Tobias tried.

"Come, Beatrice." Jeanine nods to the guards. "We have a lot to talk about."

I walk out, the severe-looking Dauntless woman in front of me. Peter follows me soon afterward.

The hallways are disorienting, too many in number, too many turns, and yet they offer a vague sense of familiarity, the painful memories winking at me.

"I appreciate your intelligence," Jeanine says without looking at me as we walk; she has a way of making even her conversational statements flat, without inflection. "You chose a very interesting way of entering Erudite. I ensured that every possible entry was seen to, however unusual, or you would have succeeded."

"Thank you," I say flatly. "Where is Cara?"

"Funny you should think I'll tell you," Jeanine says in the same flat tone.

We enter an Erudite laboratory. There are machines everywhere, and scientists working; it could be the same lab where I was 'executed'. I'm not sure.

"I'd like to know why you wanted me here," I say.

"All in good time," Jeanine says, waving at a chair. "Sit down, Beatrice."

"No thanks, I'd rather stand."

"I said, sit down." The Dauntless guards' guns rise a little. I shrug, slumping into the chair.

"Arms on the armrests."

I comply. Two metal rings snap around my wrists, binding me to the chair. It doesn't matter to me. Trying to escape is pointless in this situation.

"You must understand, there were several reasons why I wanted _you_ here, specifically," Jeanine says. "Firstly, I needed a Divergent to understand the workings of their brain. You are an ideal subject, because, although I don't have proof of it yet, I suspect you to possess aptitude for three factions — Dauntless, Erudite and Abnegation." She smiles a little. "I told you it would not take me much to discover who the traitor in our midst was. With a little persuasion, Cara was able to tell me about your mode of communication with her, and also about the inoculation that was given to Mr. Eaton. I hadn't expected a team effort to her rescue, but that was managed. I know that you possess much more knowledge than one would expect you to." She leans a little towards me. "Extraction of that knowledge is my primary aim."

I look at her expressionlessly. "Go to hell."

Jeanine doesn't seem perturbed. "I failed to subdue Abnegation because of you, and I no longer hold a position in the government. But it does not matter. You will tell us what you know, Beatrice, and thereafter, for as long as possible, my fellow scientists and I will be studying you." She smiles a little. "And then, at the conclusion of my study, you will be executed."

I remain silent.

"That execution will take place here." She waves at a nearby table. "On this table. I thought it would be interesting to show it to you." The same table as last time. My arms tingle.

"Extremely interesting," I say tonelessly. "What about my friends?"

"They'll be enjoying our hospitality while you are here," she says lightly, "and if you are not enough, Mr. Eaton can serve as our subject, although his Divergence is considerably weaker. They may be executed then. We will consider our options, depending on how you cooperate."

I feel sick. I breathe deeply through my nose. "That was very enlightening," I say. "Now I would like to return to my room."

I pace in my cell, alone, back and forth, back and forth, as if the friction of my feet against the ground would dig a hole for me. I wish I hadn't listened to Tobias and had come here alone. It would have led to the same outcome as now; but at least then Uriah, Christina and Tobias wouldn't be in danger. I don't understand what Jeanine referred to as 'persuasion' in case of Cara; did she give up on me? Where is she? With a frustrated growl, I crash my fists against the side wall. I was a fool. I wish I hadn't come here at all.

"Tris?"

I stagger at the voice from the next cell, sure that I am hallucinating. But the voice sounds again.

"Tris?"

"C-Cara?"

"Yes."

I slump against the wall. By some queer turn of faith or some twisted scheme of Jeanine, Cara is in the cell next to me. Relief sits heavily in my chest; at least she didn't betray me, if she had to be locked up.

"How are you here?" Cara asks. Her voice is faint, but I can hear better if I press my ear to the wall. I sit down to make my gestures less conspicuous, and making it appear that I am just leaning tiredly. "Did Jeanine —" she trails off with a groan. "Of course... my watch... I'm sorry." There is a small pause. "But I'd thought you'd be more intelligent than to fall for this."

Her words sting. "The message was in your name. I thought you were in danger."

"Oh, for God's sake, was there any need to be so damn selfless and stupid? Now you're stuck here too. And it's you Jeanine wants."

"I figured that out, thanks very much."

Cara sighs. "Well, thank you. For caring." I don't reply, but her words make my lips twitch.

"How's Will?" Cara asks after a pause.

"He's fine. He's in Dauntless," I say.

"Good," Cara sighs. "For all it's worth, welcome to Erudite."

We don't say more; there is nothing to say.

-o0o-

"Sit down, Miss Prior." Jeanine gestures to a chair in front of a screen. I follow wordlessly, unsure where this is going. They haven't started running simulations on me yet. Peter stands behind Jeanine, his green eyes fixed on me. I refuse to acknowledge him.

"Begin," Jeanine commands to a man in blue nearby, who immediately starts typing into a keyboard. The screen in front of me lights up. And the video shows — me. Locked in a tank which is slowly filling with water. I gasp.

"These are your simulation videos from the second stage of initiation, Miss Prior," Jeanine says. "I found nothing very interesting in your fear landscape other than your unusually short time of staying under the simulation, and so I did not consider it necessary to view your simulations. But your interference in our plans forced me to reconsider my decision. And look what I found." She gestures to the man in front of the computer, and the video changes, and changes, until my last fear comes into view. My heart thunders in my ribcage.

"Mr. Eaton a reported technical error on the first, fifth and sixth day of the tests. While that is not exactly implausible, I ensured that there are no further 'technical errors', and had your last simulation footage sent directly to me for inspection as soon as it ended. What I found was... interesting."

The video plays out in front of me, showing Jeanine speaking.

"Interesting that you should know my intentions," Jeanine says. "And also, this issue about the genetically damaged. What is this all about?"

I try to keep my breathing steady. "I don't know," I say. "Not all simulations make sense. Aren't you the genius here? You tell me."

Peter's lips twitch. Jeanine looks at him, and he clears his throat, looking away.

"I believe you are hiding certain things," Jeanine says quietly. "I will make you reveal them."

I smirk. "All the best."

Peter bursts into a violent coughing fit. Jeanine throws a glare at him.

I struggle to suppress a smile, despite my heart constricting painfully with thoughts about this situation, escape from which seems unlikely anytime soon.

-o0o-

"Nice to see how you slunk right back with the traitors, even after you double-crossed them," I comment as Peter escorts me from my cell. "What did you do, bribe them?"

"Shut up, Stiff."

"That's the best you can come up with?" I mock him. Somehow, squabbling with him makes me feel better. It feels natural. "Why are you constantly escorting me places? Isn't there a depraved activity you're supposed to be taking part in? Kicking puppies or spying on girls while they change, or something?"

Peter ignores me, leading me forward.

"Get her on the table," Jeanine says in a bored voice. I am not sure if I should feel scared, if I should feel anything at all, because I don't. They started with simulations, two consecutive ones with Caleb and my mother, but I got over them before I revealed anything. I am numb, just tired. The process is far too repetitive, having faced it twice over my lives. But unlike last time, I really, really want to live, and I have no intention of giving my life up easily.

"Bring the syringe," she says to an attendant. "Your brother's loss was unfortunate and pointless," she says. "He was a valuable asset to Erudite. Exactly what we need."

If her words earlier had not affected me, these certainly do. My self-control snaps. "He gave up on you," I retort. "Turned his back on you." _For me,_ I think, feeling a flash of happiness with the grief.

"A brief lapse of judgment that cost him his life," she said dismissively. "Who do you think blocked the system when Cara broke into my office, Tris? Who caused a major shutdown of the system when I was afraid of my serum formula being stolen? Who expressed his suspicions about the traitor being Cara? It was your brother, Beatrice."

She is trying to get under my skin. It is working. "It doesn't matter," I say with gritted teeth. "He is dead. He isn't here to help either you or me."

"Unfortunate," Jeanine remarks. "He showed potential. But that's enough of chit-chat. You refused to open your mouth under mild means, let's see what you do here. Your friend Cara broke under this." She smiles a little. "You are familiar with the simulation serum used in Dauntless, Tris." She looks around. "Someone explain its mechanism." Several Erudite hands are raised at once. At Jeanine's nod, one of them speaks.

"The simulations stimulate the amygdala, which is responsible for processing fear, induce a hallucination based on that fear, and then transmit the data to a computer to be processed and observed," he recites.

"Very good." Jeanine nods. "When I was developing the Dauntless simulations, years ago, we discovered that certain levels of potency overwhelmed the brain and made it too insensible with terror to invent new surroundings, which was when we diluted the solution so that —"

"Oh, spare me the lecture," I snap. I have heard it once already.

Jeanine's eyes flash dangerously. "I wouldn't be as mouthy if I were you," she says quietly. "Fear is more powerful than pain. I'd like to see what you have to say after this, Miss Prior."

I know what happens next, and my heart beats quickly at the anticipation already. I try to steady myself, but once the needle plunges into my vein, I can't control myself anymore. I can't control anything.

The familiar pounding of my heart. Faster. Faster. Faster. Sweat collects in my palms and behind my knee. My breath begins to come out in gasps.

And then someone starts screaming and nothing makes sense and again

I

Can't

Think.

My throat is raw and feels like it has been rubbed with sandpaper when I finally resurface from the effects of the serum. Nearby, an assistant places an empty syringe of sedative on the table. I don't know how long it has been. It could be a few minutes. It could be a day. It could be months for all I know. I can't think about anything.

"So, Tris, will you talk, or will we try again?" Jeanine asks triumphantly.

Part of me wants to grovel in front of her, to spill everything... anything to not experience this again, anything to evade the mind-blanking terror, anything to not have Tobias die in front of me. This time, he isn't even before me to offer me reassurance that he is alive. He is dead for all I know. But he is alive, or Jeanine would have told me. Tears dry against my cheeks, dizziness tempting unconsciousness which doesn't show mercy by taking me. But the part of me that is weak is smothered by my pride, by my stubbornness. Jeanine is confident that I will surrender. I'll prove her wrong. I won't give up. I have faced this before. I will again.

I look at Jeanine. "Fuck. Off." My voice is raspy, a stranger's.

She purses her lips, her eyebrows raised. I offer her a weak smirk. She turns away from me. "Give her a few minutes' break. Meanwhile..." she steps closer to the Dauntless guard, speaking softly so I can't hear. The guard nods and leaves.

I take the time to close my eyes and clear my head. Within no time at all, or so it seems, there is the sound of the door opening. My eyes fly open and I turn to look.

Two guards drag in Tobias.

His face, which had only just mended of the numerous cuts and bruises, is shadowed with bruises again; he limps a little. There is a cut on the side of his head. Fear rises in me, different from what I had experienced minutes before, but stark nonetheless. I can deal with myself; I don't want Tobias involved.

"Wh-what is this?" I stutter, staring at Jeanine.

"Since you wouldn't open your mouth, I am hoping Mr. Eaton to," Jeanine says quietly.

Tobias' eyes remain frozen on me. Once I look at him, I can't look away. Emotions thunder through me — relief, pain, anxiety, and even in this situation, desire — his blue eyes holding my universe, so pained, desperate. His hair, growing out a little, is untidy. He walks stiffly.

"Tris," he says, and he lurches toward me, but the Dauntless traitors are too quick. They grab him before he can move more than a few steps. "Tris, are you okay?"

"Yes," I say softly. "Are you?"

He nods, but both of us know it's a lie.

"What do you want?" he demands, looking at Jeanine.

"Information," she says simply. "Since you worked together with Tris during the attack, I expect you to know her secret." She holds up a second syringe, containing the fear serum. "Your girlfriend underwent the effects of this minutes ago — concentrated fear serum. I assume you understand its effects, Mr. Eaton." The horrified expression on Tobias' face tells that he does.

"Admittedly, truth serum would be preferable, of course, but it would take days to coerce Jack Kang into handing some over, as it is jealously guarded by the Candor, and I'd rather not waste a few days." She paces back and forth. "Tris refused to cooperate even under this serum. So I have decided to take the more logical approach." She turns towards Tobias. The gray serum in the syringe glints under the electric light.

"In a few seconds, I will inject Tris with this liquid. At that point, I trust, your selfless instincts will take over and you will tell me exactly what I need to know."

Tobias breathes harshly. My own breathing wants to stop altogether, seeking reprieve.

The needle breaks my skin. And I lose everything. Again. Nothing. I am nothing. Dissolving. Crumbling. Gone.

Only the screams continue.

"Sedative," a stern voice commands. Another needle pierces my skin, and my heart rate slows down. I can feel my face now; it's wet. The needle's sting still burns on my skin; I wonder how many needles have been through my neck. Suddenly it all seems funny. Everything that I wanted to avoid is happening again. I tried to change things. I failed. I failed completely. And now I'll probably die. It's funny. So funny that a laugh bursts through my lips, broken and unnatural. Once I start laughing, I can't stop. The tears run down my eyes, and I keep laughing until I can't remember why I started laughing in the first place.

"Tris!" Tobias calls. His voice is distant to my ears. He struggles against the guards. "Let me go! He sounds scratchier than before. I blink fast so I can see him through my tears. Bursts of laughter keep escaping me. There are red marks on his arms from where the Dauntless traitors held him. "I'll tell you, just let me go."

Jeanine nods and he runs to me, wrapping his arms around me tightly. In his arms, my laughter finally stops, converting to helpless sobs. I feel relief, whether at the fact that this torture is over or with Tobias' proximity I don't know. Tobias runs his hand through my hair, his cheek against mine, becoming wet. His shirt is drenched with my tears.

"It'll be okay," he says quietly, resting his forehead against mine. "Stay strong. You need to stay strong."

Then he turns to Jeanine. I grab his shirt, stopping him. "Don't tell her," I whisper, enough of my brain finally working to know what Jeanine is asking for. "Please. Don't."

But Tobias shakes his head at me and turns away.

"It was Max," Tobias says unflinchingly. I blink in surprise for a second before quickly masking my shock as I realize — he is lying.

"Max?" Jeanine frowns.

"Yes," Tobias says. "He has always taken an odd liking to me; he told me about the attack on Abnegation. I had no idea who I could turn to... so I told Tris. We planned how to stop the attack thereafter, with Cara's help."

"Max worked with me!" Jeanine snaps. "Lying dies not become of you, Mr. Eaton," her lips curl upwards derisively, "though I can understand that you have lived your whole life on it."

My heart beats fast in my ribcage. Tobias, however, remains unaffected.

"Consider it a lie if you will," he shrugs. "I can give you no better truth. Some men actually have a conscience, Jeanine; Max's one spoke up in time." He smirks.

"But – he guarded the control room –" Jeanine stutters, and I feel triumphant. Tobias has done what I'd done last time, and better – he has broken Jeanine, exposed the human beneath the machine. At the moment, I appreciate the genius of Tobias' lie – he has incriminated the one person who has no chance of giving away the truth – Max is dead. If Jeanine believes this, our secret is safe.

"How do you know what happened inside the control room?" Tobias plays his trump card. "You never saw, did you? You _assumed_ that Max was doing his job. In the end, Max seemed to realize the full consequences of his betrayal, and he turned against me – I killed him in the combat that followed." He smiles bitterly. "Betrayal always is unexpected and unfortunate, Jeanine. Caleb Prior betrayed you. Does Max's situation seem so unlikely after that?"

Jeanine doesn't say anything. Her lips are puckered in annoyance.

"This discussion isn't over yet," she says quietly. "Take them away!" She looks at me. "I have a lot more to ask you, Tris." And then the guards drag me away from Tobias. I look at him as long as I can, his ocean blue eyes full of silent promises. And then he is gone.

I feel drained as the guards throw my back into my cell, dry lines of salt on my cheeks from all the crying. A heavy sigh escaping my lips, I rest my head against the wall.

"Tris?" I hear Cara from the adjacent cell. "Are you okay?"

I don't bother to reply. I just can't.

Burying my face in my hands, I allow myself a few tears, finally letting the despair consume me. I had come here to rescue Cara. But now I don't know if I can even rescue myself, my friends, Tobias, from this situation. The cell is lit with uniformly dull lights; I don't know how long we have been here. Will must be worried, and Marlene. I let out a dry sob. I brought this upon them.

How cruel are the circumstances that despite everything I have done to change the future, I should face a situation so similar to the ordeals that I have been through. I wish I wasn't stupid enough to get into this. I wish I had thought more into it.

And sitting in this room with no sense of time, space or purpose, I wish I didn't care so much.


	27. Escape

**So again, I took almost a month to update. Sorry! Can't promise you weekly updates anymore, but I do hope I'll update sooner next time. My imagination just hasn't been my best friend of late, as you already know. Thank you to all of my readers for sticking around, reviewing, favoriting and following. It means a lot. :)**

* * *

"Stiff."

"Go away."

"Come with me."

"I won't."

"Like you have a say in the matter."

Big, strong hands jerk me up into a standing position and drag me out. I just wonder why this scene needs to be repeated — I've been through exactly this dialogue and this treatment twice already. I should just stop being childish with my refusal; as Peter says, it's not like I have any say in the matter. The experiments go on, the simulations continue. A tedious cycle.

Just out of spite, I kick one of the traitor Dauntless guards in front of me hard on his shin as I am marched back to my cell, causing him to let out a pained yelp. The vicious satisfaction is a good feeling, that is, until I feel his gun against my skin and his hot breath uncomfortably close.

"Careful, girl," he hisses. "I wouldn't be so upstart if I were you."

Peter looks at me pityingly as he shoves me into my prison room.

"Your brains seem to be depleting," he comments.

"What's it to you if it is?" I retort. "How are my friends? What is Jeanine doing to them?"

Peter's expression is unreadable. "You are even stupider than you look if you think I'm going to tell you."

"Yeah, of course, got to suck up to your bosses to get your image clean, don't you?" I say bitterly. Peter doesn't reply, beginning to step away.

"W-wait!" It's pathetic how desperate I sound. "What — what's the time?" They took away my watch, the one that Cara had given me, the only one I had on me.

Peter only looks at me in silence. Then he walks away, the door of my cell locking. With a frustrated growl, I throw myself to the floor. I feel so useless. What can I do? How do I get out of this situation? A scream lodges itself at the back of my throat, but I stay silent, staring listlessly at the wall.

"Maybe you really should avoid asking stupid questions. Or making stupid decisions." Cara's muffled voice comes from the adjacent wall.

"I didn't ask for your opinion," I reply tiredly.

"Just trying to help." I can hear the shrug in Cara's voice. "Any idea how to get out of here?"

"Would I be here if I did?"

"No, I just thought you might, you know, with your uh, situation, you may have... _experience_ in this matter." Cara is careful not to let the truth about me slip, and I am grateful. I sigh.

"I have...experience, in this too... but I have no idea what to do." Because Caleb is dead, and Cara, who was the one who had saved me by preparing the paralyzing serum, is locked up in the cell next to mine. If the waters run down to my execution, I have no hopes left. But thankfully, Jeanine has not managed to figure out my secret yet, though she has come close many times. I am not sure how completely she has bought Tobias' lie; I doubt if she believes it after all. She still seems to think I harbor secrets, anyway, which she tries to get out of me by running simulations. Her scientists are simultaneously running medical tests on me. The entire process is as tiring as the last time and more — and with the added burden of my anxiety about Tobias, Uriah and Christina.

"I'd say 'hang in there' or some comforting nonsense, but I am not feeling very optimistic," Cara remarks.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I reply with a wry smile, closing my eyes as I rest my head against the wall.

For the record, I am not, either.

-o0o-

The image on the screen is the same as I had seen about a year back. The audience is the same as well. _Except that I don't want to know this time_ , I think to myself as I see my MRI report. I already know. I know more than Jeanine does by watching my brain's image. Which is why this ordeal doesn't even feel challenging anymore — it simply feels tedious. A never-ending cycle, on repeat. How ironic that I should be subjected to the same fate even after having the knowledge and the capability to change others' future.

"Can you grasp what this is, Beatrice?" Jeanine says, her eyes still on the screen.

"My brain, of course," I say dully.

"Correct. And can you tell me what anomaly there is in your brain?"

I glare at her. "I don't think I'd have to be poked and prodded by you to get that information if I could," I spit out.

"Probably," Jeanine says. "But then, we do know that you are refusing to give up the information we want. But no harm. What distinguishes your brain from the others', Beatrice, is your prefrontal cortex." She looks at her bunch of scientists. "Someone instruct Ms. Prior as to what the prefrontal cortex does."

"It's the region of the brain behind the forehead, so to speak," one of the scientists says, the one not much older than me, with large round glasses. "It's responsible for organizing your thoughts and actions to attain your goals."

"Correct," Jeanine says. "Now someone tell me what they observe about Ms. Prior's lateral prefrontal cortex."

"It's large," another scientist—this one a man with thinning hair—says.

"Specificity," says Jeanine, chastising. My lips press together as I watch the scientists' eager expression and their rapt attention — the classroom scene, once again, feeling anger and disgust curling faintly in my stomach. "It's much larger than average," the man with thinning hair corrects himself.

Jeanine tilts her head with a thin smile. "In fact, it is one of the largest lateral prefrontal cortexes I've ever seen. Yet the orbitofrontal cortex is remarkably small. What do these two facts indicate?"

"The orbitofrontal cortex is the reward center of the brain. Those who exhibit reward-seeking behavior have a large orbitofrontal cortex," someone says. "That means that Ms. Prior engages in very little reward-seeking behavior."

I rub my forehead in frustration, trying to tune the sounds out.

"Thanks for all the information," I say through gritted teeth. "But I think I got it. Since my reward-seeking attitude is so less... I think I feel aptly rewarded by your... enlightening words so far. It's enough for me."

"You disappoint me, Beatrice," Jeanine says with raised eyebrows. "And here I thought you were showing perfectly Erudite traits."

I purse my lips, refusing to answer. I know that my curiosity should make me hear it all out and ask questions, just as I had done before, but I know it all. I know more than Jeanine in this context — that my large prefrontal cortex is due to my genes, and that it must be not much larger than the people before the war. Also, that it makes me no different, really, not superior to anyone, and certainly not to people like Tobias. The term 'Divergent' has reduced in significance to me, but I still hold on to one thing — I _am_ Divergent, and I can't be controlled.

"Take care of the data," Jeanine instructs to her scientists, "And meanwhile," she glances at me, "send her to room C18."

My shoulders slump as I feel the hands of the guards grab me.

-o0o-

I sit slumped against the wall of my cell, curled up in a ball. There is no hope of getting out. I feel tired and useless.

Suddenly the door to the cell opens, the outer light clashing with the dull lighting within. I squint at the door, at the tall figure standing silhouetted. And then Tobias is gathering me in his arms.

"Tris." His warm breath tickles against my neck as his face leans towards me, only centimeters away, his strong arms wrapping tightly around me. Then his soft, full lips press against me, only for a moment, and despite the situation I can't help think how I have missed this, this searing kiss which makes my head swim. Missed Tobias. My breath hitches.

"T-Tobias," I breathe out. "Y-you're real? How did you get out?"

"We managed," he says shortly. "There is no time for an explanation. We have to get out."

I nod, letting him put his arm around me and help me stand up. Together, we walk towards the door.

"Where is Christina? And Uriah?" I ask Tobias.

"They are fine, don't worry," he says. "The reinforcements will be here soon. We have to run." He wears a traitor Dauntless uniform, a cut on his forehead. He looks harassed, but alert, calm and composed, like always – soldier-like, perfectly in order.

Once we step into the hallway, we start running, hand in hand. My breath comes in pants, my legs on fire as I try to keep up with the powerful sprint of Tobias' legs. With each step, my sides ache. My old gun wound hurts anew.

"T-Tobias..." I gasp, hating to be a hindrance but not knowing how much more I can stand.

"Tris!" He turns around, his lips curved downwards, his eyes concerned but not pitying. "Just a little more," he urges in a low voice. "You can't stop now." He grabs me by my arm.

"What about Cara?" I ask him between gasps. Tobias frowns.

"What about her?"

"Well, aren't we going to get her out? She was in the cell just next to mine. We are going further away from her."

Tobias' frown deepens. "There is no time to help Cara, Tris. _You_ matter to me the most. I need to get you out."

I stop. It takes Tobias two more strides to notice that and follow suit.

"Tris," he says, walking back to me, his eyes darting everywhere warily. "What are you doing?"

I sigh, and take a step towards him, capturing his lips with mine. Heartbreak surges with overwhelming bitterness through me. Tobias tries to pull away, but I kiss him again.

"Tris, we have to —"

"No, Tobias, we can't escape."

He looks at me worriedly. "What are you — why on earth not?"

I smile sadly, inspecting every one of his features. So perfect.

"Because," I say, "this is a simulation."

Tobias scowls. "Do you mean to say that I am under a simulation? Because I —"

"No," I cut him off, "you're not under a simulation. You _are_ the simulation."

My Tobias wouldn't let go of what we came for. He knows me too well to think I'll allow that. My Tobias would not grab me at the exact spot where I had been shot.

I raise my hand at a glass pane. It breaks into tiny diamond-like splinters, glittering away.

I open my eyes. Jeanine is glaring at me.

"You lost again," I say with a faint smirk. My eyes are wet.

Jeanine screams in frustration. It is a high, unnatural sound.

"What is it?" She grabs Peter's gun out of his hand and stalks across the room, pressing the barrel to my forehead. My body stiffens automatically. But I know she won't shoot me. I have seen her like this already. I am a problem she can't solve, holding too many answers. She won't shoot me.

"What is it that clues you in?" she demands. "Tell me. Tell me or I will kill you." I slowly push myself up from the chair, coming to my feet, pushing my skin harder into the cold barrel.

"You think I'm going to tell you?" I say. "You think I believe that you would kill me without figuring out the answer to this question? You couldn't find the answer to any of your questions, and you won't get any this way either."

"You insolent girl!" Jeanine snaps. "You think I know nothing? I know who your allies are. I know what you did to wreck my plan. I know what is wrong with your brain and I will figure out how you are immune to simulations too." She shakes with anger. "You think this is about you, and your abnormal brain? This is not about you. It is not about me. It is about keeping this city safe from the people who intend to plunge it into hell!"

For once, her words make me double take. Does she know the true implication of her words? Is she talking about the mission trusted to the Divergent in Amanda Ritter's video?

"I have been wasting time," Jeanine says quietly. "I have reasons to doubt the truth of your statements. So tomorrow, as much as I dislike leaning to another faction for help—"

I snort, thinking about Dauntless. Jeanine ignores me.

"— you will be administered the truth serum."

I stumble. The blood drains from my face.

"Y-you can't!" I stammer. "Jack Kang would never give you —"

"Oh no, Tris, I'm afraid you are mistaken." Jeanine's scowl melts to a satisfied smile, a predatory one. "Jack and I have come to a — ah, understanding. The serum will be here tomorrow. And then we will see how you cover your truths."

"You can't do this!" I protest, refusing to accept that this is how I will go down. I can handle simulations, I can handle pain, but the truth serum is another matter altogether. I know how difficult it is to resist its effects, though I can do it; I experienced it first-hand. I had only one secret to hide then — Will's death, and even that was so difficult. With so many details, revealing any of which will have dire consequences, I am afraid Jeanine will acquire some of my secrets even before I can begin to gain enough control to stop myself.

"Unfortunately, you don't have a say in what I can and cannot do." Jeanine says, her eyes cutting in their sharpness, her lips curled in a humorless smile. She looks at Peter, standing beside her, his face devoid of expression. "Take her away," she says. I can hardly hear her, though. My ears are ringing.

I stand up on my own before Peter can haul me up. I try to think of any way to escape my predicament, but all I come up with is a complete blank. Is this the end, then? How much can I conceal?

My eyes drift to the door as the Dauntless soldiers march closer to me. Someone is watching me through the glass paneling in the door. Through the narrow strip of glass, I can only see two wide brown eyes on tanned skin. But before I can get a closer look, the person disappears.

As I am marched out of the room to my cell, I encounter no one other than the black-dressed soldiers with blue armbands — the traitor Dauntless. But I can't shake off the feeling that I have seen those eyes before.

"What happened?" Cara's voice drifts from the other side of the wall. "Assuming something actually did."

"They are going to give me the truth serum," I say dully.

Cara curses rather colorfully. "But how is that possible? The Candor would never share it."

"Apparently, they have agreed to," I say. "Jeanine negotiated with Kang." I wonder how Jeanine threatened Jack Kang this time.

"Are you resistant?"

"What makes you think I am?" I say a little too sharply.

"Nothing much. Just that you are immune to most serums I know, so I thought..."

I sigh. "I _am_ immune to the truth serum, but it's difficult. I have too many secrets... I am not sure I can hide all of them."

Cara exhales heavily. "Well," she says, and I can hear her wry smile, "to speak after the manner of your Dauntless friends, you are royally screwed."

Despite myself, I laugh. It comes out as a dry, choking sound. "Thanks for reminding."

-o0o-

Someone is shaking my shoulder. I open my eyes blearily to bronze skin and warm brown eyes. I would have thought it was Uriah, but then I notice the shorter height and the slightly stockier build, and the traitor Dauntless uniform. It's Zeke.

"Tris," he says as he continues to shake me, bringing me more into consciousness.

"Zeke," I groan, straightening up. "You're not real."

He frowns. "I can allow that I am unrealistically good-looking, but that's not a very nice thing to say when you meet someone."

I wince. "No," I insist. "You're not real."

Zeke barks out a laugh. "And why would that be?"

"This is a simulation," I say. "This has to be a simulation. Just like all those times... with Tobias..." I trail off, quickly silencing myself.

He shakes his head. "This is all real, Tris. I'm going to get you out. Sorry it took me so long. I had no idea you were here until some time ago."

It is then that I connect the pair of brown eyes with those staring at me from beyond the lab. It was Zeke. He had seen me then.

"I... but..." I concentrate, trying to make a knife appear in my hand. Nothing happens. I try harder. Still nothing.

"Tris?" Zeke asks uncertainly, a half-smile on his face. "You okay?"

I relax. "Yes," I sigh. "Just confirming that this is real."

"Well, I hope you got your answer," he says, "because there isn't much time." It is then that I realize that the light panels on the walls are dim; outside, the corridor is plunged in darkness.

"What happened?" I ask.

Zeke blinks, before his teeth flash white in a brilliant smile. "Oh, that? Well, let's just say that Erudite faced a little power-cut. Get up, I'll explain." He grabs hold of my arm and pulls me to my feet. "The entire compound is running on aux power now. Their emergency power is concentrated on protecting and maintaining their data. The cells are manually locked now, so I could open this one."

"Brilliant," I breathe. "You know a lot for a traitor Dauntless security guard."

He winks. "I made a friend. He's young, but works in the power lines. Name's Fernando."

My heart swells as a smile makes its way on my face. "Where is he now?"

"The power system is programmed to correct itself in five minutes, so he is tinkering around to prolong this little problem."

I fall in line with Zeke, striding out of my prison. "What about Uriah, Four and Christina?"

"I'll get them out right after. Four insisted I get you first."

Emotions tumble in my heart as I think of Tobias. I can't wait to see him.

"We need to get Cara," I say. "She is in the next cell."

Zeke hesitates for a second, but then nods, turning to the closed door beside mine.

"Keep a lookout," he instructs as he starts working on the keypad, which is now flashing a red light. The door clicks open in a few seconds.

"Cara!" I press myself at Zeke's side.

"Tris!" Cara scrambles to her feet. She looks weary and disheveled in the dim light. "How –"

"Nice to meet you, and we have very little time," Zeke says pleasantly. "Come on out."

Cara doesn't waste any time in doing so. Zeke nods at her, letting the door to her cell close. "Now –"

"Stop."

All three of us turn in synchronization. Standing with a gun pointed at us is Peter.

Zeke's expression changes to one of rare anger. He draws his gun from the holster. "You little –"

In the semi-darkness, Peter's face is completely expressionless. He does not lower his gun, but does not make any attempt to harm us either.

"You are being stupid," he says, looking primarily at Zeke. "Jeanine is gathering forces at this very moment. They will catch you in no time. You won't be able to save the other three."

Zeke sneers. "Well, I'm sure dear Miss Matthews will love you for bringing in prisoners, right? Go ahead, try us." His finger tightens around the trigger.

Peter's face still doesn't betray any expression. "Go and get the others," he tells Zeke, and then looks at me. "Stiff, come with me."

"What, so you can –" Zeke begin angrily, but I cut him off. "Zeke," I say, "Go."

"What?" He looks bewildered. Cara looks equally confused. "Tris –"

"Just go. Meet us near the tracks." I nod at Peter. He nods back. "Glad to see you still have sense, Stiff."

Zeke looks uncertain. I hope that my expression says that I know what I am doing. Apparently, it works well enough, because he nods a little and hands me a gun. "I've got one for myself," he says. "You'll need this." And then he sprints off in the other direction, down the corridor.

Peter nods at the gun approvingly. "You'll need that," he says, "I'd rather you manage to do something useful. Now run." And so we do.

"Left!" Peter yells, and we turn, only to suddenly come face to face with a guard. I gasp, quickly pressing the trigger of my gun. Before he can even register what is happening, the man falls, blood oozing from his abdomen. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Cara press her hand to her mouth, and I wonder if the man could possibly be of any significance to her. But Peter doesn't stop, and I don't let myself think about it, either.

"Right!" he yells at length, and we follow, only to meet with more guards. "Whoa!" Peter yelps. We shoot together, Cara behind us. The bangs of the guns reverberate across the corridor.

"Okay," Peter mumbles when we have run some more. "Wait, stop here!" He opens a door to darkness. We move inside in a hurry, barely managing to avoid hitting the door frame or each other.

"Careful!" I say, my voice strained. The room is almost empty, except for a row of empty trash cans along one wall and a square metal door large enough for one of the cans to fit through it along the other wall. The way to the trash incinerator.

"Where are we?" Cara asks, looking around in the darkness.

"Thought you'd know better about the place, being an Erudite and all," Peter says. "This is the trash incinerator." He slaps the square door. "It's turned off because of the power being down. It'll take us to the alley. And then your aim had better be good, Tris, if you want us to get out of this place alive."

"Don't worry about that," I tell him, smirking. "I think you've seen enough of that during initiation." Peter's face puckers like he has been forced to swallow something sour, and despite the situation, I feel a vindictive pleasure. I guess however we are, we will never be on completely good terms.

"Just go ahead," he mutters angrily, "Before I have second thoughts about helping you."

I look at the chute – some three feet by four – with an uncomfortable feeling of déjà vu that I have been experiencing far too often here. I slide one leg down the chute and then, with some difficulty, swing the other leg in. My stomach drops as I slide down a short metal tube. Then a series of rollers pound against my back as I slip over them. The vague smell of burning – fire and ash – reaches my nose. Then I drop, trying hard not to hit the walls as I fall. I brace myself as I land on the cement floor, managing to support myself on my feet, but the fall is still hard, and pain from the impact prickles up my legs, forcing me to sink to my knees with a groan. Cara falls next with a sharp yelp of pain as she grazes her knees, but manages to stand up, wincing, soon after. Peter lands last, on his side instead of his feet, and groans, by which time I have managed to stand up.

"Don't say I never took you anywhere nice," Peter says, smirking through pain as I wrinkle my nose at the concentrated smell of garbage.

"Wouldn't dream of it," I say.

"What I don't understand," says Cara, grimacing as she dusts her dress, looking at Peter, "Is why you are helping us out. I don't think you are in good terms with Tris, nor with that boy who got us out. You were the one who locked me in my cell. Why did Tris trust you?"

"He owes me his life," I mutter. "Don't mistake us for best friends." Cara raises her eyebrows.

"It's the truth," Peter says. He looks distinctly uncomfortable admitting it. "I can't be in anyone's debt. Okay? The idea that I owed her something made me sick. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to vomit. Indebted to a Stiff? It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. And I couldn't have it."

Cara frowns. "It's a strange ideology. Who on earth thinks like that?"

"He does." I shrug.

"But how did you know that he would help us? How could you be so sure? He could be taking us to Jeanine for all we knew."

I quirk an eyebrow at her, trying to silently convey my answer. "I just did," I say out loud, covering it up from Peter. Comprehension dawns on Cara's face. "Oh," she says, nodding faintly. "I – oh."

"And how did you come to owing her your life?" Cara asks Peter as we move towards the door.

"At the Dauntless compound during the attack," Peter says. "A mind-controlled soldier shot at me; she pushed me out of the way. I'd be dead otherwise." He looks at me. "We were even before that—I almost killed you during initiation, you almost killed me during the attack simulation –"

"It was a shallow wound," I interrupt.

Peter shrugs. "You also beat me up after the incident near the chasm, so it adds up. We're square, right? But after that …"

Cara shakes her head. "You're insane," she says. "That's not the way the world works … with everyone keeping score."

"It's not?" Peter raises his eyebrows. "Surprised to have an Erudite to talk like that. I'd thought you have more sense. Well, I don't know what world you live in, but in mine, people only do things for you for one of two reasons. The first is if they want something in return. And the second is if they feel like they owe you something."

It is a meaningless argument. I could counter his point, but I know it is of no use. This is just how Peter thinks. "Come on," I say, "we are wasting time."

Nodding, Peter walks across the grate and opens the small door. Light streams into the incinerator. Cara and I walk in a file to where Peter stands, away from the metal furnace, into the cement-walled room that contains it.

Peter holds his gun in front of him and leaves the incinerator room. The vaguely familiar dank hallway with exposed pipes in the ceiling greets us, only ten feet long. The sign next to the door at the end says EXIT. I am alive, my secrets safe, and I am leaving. It is difficult to quell the swell of relief in my heart. But our troubles are far from over.

We shut the door cautiously behind us. The road towards Dauntless does not appear similar to the time I gave myself up to Jeanine, nor the return journey. I jerk my head in the direction of the train tracks, where I told Zeke we would meet. While the streets would perhaps offer us greater opportunities to hide, what with the buildings, the train would allow escape faster.

As we creep down the alley, our guns raised, Cara in the middle, Peter in the rear. Part of me is afraid that he will go right back to Jeanine any moment, but I convince myself that Erudite is the one place he cannot return to, not after betraying them a second time. As we reach the end of the alley, I press my shoulder against the wall of the building, leaning as little as possible to inspect the scenario in the street. There are two guards patrolling the street, near one of the minor Erudite buildings. We will have to step out; they will see us. Taking a deep breath, I position my gun. Susan's father, Will and my mother stare up at me, as do the blank-eyed Dauntless soldiers. My hands start shaking.

"Tris," Peter hisses. "Hurry up!"

I nod shakily, taking in a long breath. _Blank. Blank._ I force myself to remember our shooting lessons in Dauntless, of Tobias' calm and powerful stance as he handled the gun. The surge of power in my fingertips as I shot dead center. I bite my lip, stop thinking, and fire. Once. Twice. The shots ring out terrifyingly loud, and I have to fight the urge to clap my hands over my ears. Instead, I peer at the street only to watch one soldier on the ground, moving feebly. The other's movements appear jerky, but he is running towards the door. I didn't shoot well enough. He will call others.

"Hurry!" I whisper, and we start running. For a while, we run uninterrupted, but then, a shout fills the air, and there are sounds of running footsteps. Ahead of us, we see another small party running in the same direction as we are. I hear the sound of a bullet being clicked into place, and I turn to see Peter raising his gun at them.

"No!" I shout, raising my free hand to stop him. "Don't shoot them."

They are far from us, our distance lessening with every second as we move towards the train tracks, but I can make out their features well enough – a tall man, lean but muscular, two people behind, similar in appearance but not in build, and a girl with long hair which trails behind her in the wind. My friends.

But they are not alone. Hot on their pursuit are soldiers in black.

"We have to help them!" Cara says breathlessly.

"We need to save our asses first!" Peter huffs. "Look there!"

I turn a little, but I needn't have; the sound of gunshots echoes behind us. There are soldiers pursuing us too. Three of them.

"Just keep running!" I gasp. "And be careful!" In the distance, the soldiers keep shooting. We duck and skid, running for our lives. Behind me, I hear Peter fire, and a distant cry of pain.

"Good!" I pant.

"Just do something useful, Stiff!" he retorts. "Or we have seconds to live."

Without stopping, I lift my gun, aiming at the soldiers behind Tobias. My breath comes in shallow pants. We are close to the other group now, close enough to see Christina spitting her hair from her mouth, close enough to see how the scar on Tobias' forehead is bleeding again, close enough to see their eyes widen as they see me aiming my gun.

"Tris!" Tobias yells.

I can't miss. I won't.

I fire.

With a cry, one of the soldiers fall. I sigh in relief.

Our groups finally meet.

"Tris!" Tobias says, his eyes, despite the situation, set only on me.

"T-Four!" I say back, and despite everything, we smile, if only a little. Our hands brush.

"You okay?" he asks, not sounding as breathless as me. He carries a gun. I notice that Christina and Uriah do as well. Uriah sports a split lip. Christina appears ruffled, but unharmed.

"Never better!" I reply, gasping.

"Thanks for noticing us, too, Tris!" Uriah quips, turning around and firing twice. His muffled curses indicate that his attempt wasn't successful.

"Get a room when you get to Dauntless, lovebirds. For now, let's go!" Christina says. I grin to myself; only the Dauntless can joke even under such dire circumstances.

A sharp crack sounds very close to us, causing us all to duck. The heavy thud of our feet rings in my ears as we run down towards the train tracks. Behind us, the incessant gunshots are loud and close.

"Careful, everyone!" I call as I duck, a gun fired overhead, looking back every now and then. It is fortunate that we are so far ahead of the traitor Dauntless, or at least half of us would surely be dead by now. Tobias almost glides like a predator at my side, while behind me, Cara huffs and gasps.

"H-how much more?" she gasps. I am reminded that among us, she is the one with the least physical training.

"The train will be here any second," Tobias tells her. "Just keep moving." Behind us, the roar of the gun continues.

Suddenly, there is a gunshot so close my ears ring, and a sharp, prolonged scream. I turn around, alarmed. It's Christina. I watch as she stumbles, the black of her jacket turning even darker with the spurt of blood. Most of my friends stop.

"Go, go, go!" I scream at the others, halting at Christina's side. "Come on!" I breathe. "Lean on me."

Christina groans. "Tris, no –"

The soldiers are gaining on us. My left hand supporting Christina, I fire in quick succession with my right hand. One of the soldiers falls. Another raises his gun at me. But before he can shoot, or before I can point my gun at him, there is a loud bang, and he falls. I turn around. Tobias stands, his gun still raised, and nods at me. Then he runs to us.

"I'll carry her," he says to me. "Keep running."

"I –"

"Cover us, Tris. It'll be faster this way. You are injured yourself." I look at the firm set of his jaw, at the determination in his deep blue eyes. I nod. Tobias grabs Christina under her knees and against her back, and lifts her up. I follow behind them, shooting at the soldiers.

We are almost at the train tracks now. At the distance, I see the brilliance of the train's light as it nears us.

"Everyone ready!" Zeke calls. The train charges towards us, its horns blaring. Peter climbs in first, then Uriah. He reaches out to help Cara in, but she gets in without much assistance, making me smile as I think of the first time she climbed in with me. Zeke goes next, and Tobias sets Christina down for Zeke to pull her up. He nods at me to go in first, but I'll be getting in his way, so I shake my head. Resigned, Tobias swings himself in. I jog next to the train and jump up, holding the handle. Pain flares up everywhere in my body at the strain, and my hand begins to slip before I can fix my footing. Then Tobias' arms are around me, his warmth enveloping me, and I forget everything else, all the gunshots and the soldiers, sagging against him as he sets me down on the floor. He buries his face in my hair, his warm breath tickling me.

"Tris," he breathes, his arms secure around my waist, silently promising to never let go. I breathe in the clean, fresh smell that is just him – he smells of running water and the blowing breeze, but at the moment, also of sweat and blood.

"Tobias," I whisper almost inaudibly so that no one can hear. "Tobias." And it's all I seem to be able to say.

"I was so worried." His whisper is soft, almost terrified, a reluctant admission for both of us.

"I was too," I say, kissing his cheek. At the moment, it doesn't matter to me that there are other people around. For now, it's just us, the only two people who understand the full implications of what we just escaped. But it's over. For now. We have escaped.

"Well, that was quite some –" I hear Uriah say, and trail off mid-sentence, forcing me to pull away from Tobias. Peter leans against the wall of the compartment, Cara has sat down; Zeke and Uriah have pulled off Christina's jacket, and I can see the spot in her shoulder which oozes blood as she winces. But all of them are looking at the far end of the compartment with identical expressions of horror. I follow their gaze, and my heart stops.

Eyes glitter in the darkness. Dark shapes sit in the car, more numerous than we are.

Oh God. Not again.


	28. The Factionless

**Okay, I am so, so sorry. I have been gone for over a month. A mean case of writer's block... :( Anyway, hope you like this chapter. Thanks so much to everyone who has supported this story so far. You're all incredible, love you!**

* * *

Time seems to stop, but the train doesn't. The wind whistles through the compartment as everyone is seized by a sudden flurry of movement. Tobias' right hand pulls out the gun from his belt while his left arm tightens its hold around my waist. Zeke jumps to his feet, raising his gun; out of the corner of my eye, I see Peter mimic him. Christina's coffee-colored skin is pale from blood loss; she tries to push herself up nevertheless. Uriah puts a calming hand on her, restraining her, and points the gun at the occupants on the other side of the carriage from his crouching position. Cara stares at the scene with wide eyes, helpless. I tighten my hold around my gun as well, but I know all too well that this is of no use.

They are too many. And they are doubtlessly armed. Everyone is still; no one moves. The train rushes on.

A factionless man with untidy whiskers points a gun at Tobias. Next to him, an older factionless woman holds a knife—the kind I used to cut bread with. Behind him, someone else holds a large plank of wood with a nail sticking out of it. Familiar sights, but unnerving still.

"Now this is a queer bunch," the woman says. Her voice is rough. Her eyes linger on Cara, before drifting to Peter. "A Nose and a traitor with a group of Dauntless. Did you lot switch sides too?" They are very well informed about everything.

"I'd disagree on that," a voice sounds from the second row of factionless. Someone pushes through the factionless up front. "These two in particular are as Dauntless as can be." The person comes into view. At first, I don't recognize him – he is messier and dirtier, his hair longer than before. The mixed clothing strikes the eye the most – a black T-shirt with a torn Abnegation jacket over it, blue jeans mended with red thread, brown boots – or that perhaps, at some level in my subconscious, I had prepared myself for the eyepatch which is now absent. Both eyes, functioning perfectly, stare at me, assessing.

"Hello, Tris," Edward says. He holds a gun.

"Edward," I say warily, unsure whether he is trustworthy this time or not. His gun, pointed at us, does not help.

Edward looks like he is about to say something, but then his eyes slide over to Peter standing by the wall, and before anyone can react, he launches himself with a feral snarl towards the Candor boy. The gun presses against Peter's throat; he makes a feeble choking sound, his green eyes wide. As soon as we recover from the shock, Tobias and Zeke grab Edward, trying to pull him back. The factionless close in, their weapons raised. I point my gun at them, indecisive.

"Let me – go!" Edward growls, making attempts to reach at Peter, who shrinks back as much as possible. "You – cowardly –"

"You provoked me!" Peter shouts. A malicious grin crosses Edward's face.

"It was a challenge which I won," he sneers. "But you –" He grapples with the gun, struggling under Tobias and Zeke's grip; the factionless stand ready, prepared to strike if Edward is threatened.

"Let go of the boy!" the whiskered man growls.

"Tell him – to back off!" Peter wheezes.

Suddenly, another figure rushes out from the back of the crowd of factionless, dislodging itself with much more difficulty than Edward had. In a blur of long hair, it flings itself upon Edward.

"Edward", the girl screams. "Edward, stop!" Tobias and Zeke step back in shock.

"Let go, Myra," Edward growls.

"Stop this, Edward," Myra – I recognize her now, though her dress is dusty and old – says, pulling him back. "He isn't worth it."

Breaking deeply, Edward stops struggling and takes a step back, Myra's arms still around him. "Thank her for your life," he tells Peter. "If she hadn't been so softhearted –" He leaves the threat hanging, making it sound so much worse. A tense silence falls, the factionless eyeing us appraisingly.

"Well, whatever you are," the woman with the knife says, looking at us, "you're not welcome here. You'll have to get off this train if you want to stay alive."

"With pleasure," Peter mumbles, sidling away from Edward.

"No!" I say. All eyes suddenly turn to me.

"We are running from the Erudite," I continue. "If we get off, it will be easier for them to find us. Also, our friend is wounded; she cannot go on. She needs medical attention. So, we would appreciate it if you let us ride with you till Dauntless." I suppress a shiver as I find a voice all too similar to Caleb in its cool logic and tone speaking through me.

"Yeah?" Edward says with his head tilted, eyes cold. "And what have you ever done for us?"

"I saved you," I say with eyebrows raised. "And the decision to leave was yours; don't ty to act like we forced you out."

Edward ignores my last comment. "You, yes, I know. I would not mind returning the favor. But the others?" He shakes his head. "Not so much. And under no circumstances am I helping _him_." He throws a venomous glare at Peter. The seconds pass in tense silence. On the floor, Christina is pale, still bleeding through the jacket that Uriah put over her to cover her wound. Despite the fact that Peter got me and Cara out of Erudite, I can't help resent his presence; if he weren't here, Edward's debt to me would be enough to ensure us a safe trip to Dauntless.

"You heard him," the whiskered man says. "Now get out."

"Wait." The voice comes from the side – from the woman standing two spaces from the man who had spoken. She takes a step forward, making the light fall on her face – a severe looking woman with a lazy eye. I recognize her as Therese, Evelyn's right-hand woman, her features sharp and rough. "You," she says, her dark eyes set on Tobias, "step forward."

His face carefully expressionless, Tobias complies. His shoulders are stiff, his gun still raised.

"You'd want to put that gun down," a woman says, but Therese shushes her.

"You are _him_ ," she says. "Aren't you? You look so much like her."

"Him?" Edward questions. Therese begins to say something, but Tobias cuts her off. Something resolute burns in the depth of his dark blue eyes. He holds his head high, taking a step forward so that his throat presses against the gun in the whiskered man's hand. He looks the very personification of power and confidence, but I know him well enough to see that he is bracing himself for something difficult.

"Yes, my name is Tobias Eaton," Tobias says. "So I don't think you want to push me off this train."

The effect of the name on the people in the car is immediate and would have been bewildering had I not known the cause: they lower their weapons. They exchange meaningful looks.

"Eaton? Really?" Edward says, eyebrows raised. Myra, standing at his side, looks equally shocked. "I have to admit, I did not see that coming." He clears his throat. "Fine, you can come. But when we get to the city, you've got to come with us."

Then he smiles a little. "We know someone who's been looking for you, Tobias Eaton."

-o0o-

Tobias and I sit with our legs hanging out of the carriage as the train rumbles on. Occasionally, I look at Christina to check if she is doing okay. The wind beats against my bare shoulder – I discarded my jacket after tearing a large piece off it for Cara to tie a sort of bandage to stem the bleeding from Christina's wound.

"You didn't have to do that," I tell him quietly. "Give away your name, I mean."

Tobias shakes his head. "It was the only way to stop them from kicking us out. Besides, it wasn't like I had much choice. Therese had essentially recognized me." He stares out into the distance. "I'm surprised that she came on a raid. She is one of Evelyn's right-hand folk; she usually stays with her."

I put my hand over his. "That was a brave thing to do, revealing your secret in front of people who matter." The first time around, there had only Susan, who didn't matter to Tobias, and Caleb and me, who already knew his true identity. It is a much bigger deal for him this time.

He shifts his hand, lacing our fingers together. "It's good that you know everything already. If you hadn't," he sighs. "I would have a lot to tell you."

I think back to all the mistakes I have avoided this time; I think of Will and how the guilt of killing him had formed a wall between Tobias and me. "Yes," I mumble. "I would too. But there are others who'll want an explanation." I look at the others, who are looking at Tobias curiously every few minutes, and especially at Zeke, whose eyes have never once strayed from Tobias. Curiosity simmers in his eyes, and some hurt. Well, no wonder. If I had suddenly found out that someone I cared about had kept such big secrets from me, I would have been angry too. I think back to how our secrets had practically ripped Tobias and me apart. Yes, I certainly would have. I _was_.

Tobias turns his head at my words, and then quickly turns back, his eyes locking with Zeke's a little longer than the others.

"Yes," he sighs, burying his face in his hands, "I think you are right."

I don't know how much time passes before they tell us to get off. But when they do, we are in the part of the city where the factionless live, about a mile from where I grew up. I recognize each building we pass as one I walked by every time I missed the bus home from school. The one with the broken bricks. The one with a fallen streetlight leaning against it. Each one brewing double memories and an intense and aching feeling in my chest.

We stand up, forming lines near the door. I shift to Christina's side, placing my hand on her waist. The intimacy still feels strange to my Abnegation upbringing, but I ignore it. On her other side, Uriah holds her good shoulder to support her.

"I'm – I'm not sure if I can –" Christina says faintly.

"We did it together the first time we came to Dauntless, remember?" I say in what I hope is an encouraging tone. "We'll do it again. Together."

"It will be fine, Christina," Uriah says. "We'll help you. Just lean on us, okay? We will jump at three."

"One, two –" I begin.

"Three!" Uriah yells, and arms linked, we jump. Our height and weight distribution is uneven – I am too slightly built and Uriah too tall, and Christina in between, but all of us manage to land on our feet. Christina bites her teeth to muffle the scream which threatens to leaves her as her body takes the impact with the ground hard. She sinks to the ground on her knees after stumbling forward a few steps, but then, with an effort that causes sweat beads to line her brow, she gets back on her feet. It is at times like this that I wish that the train would actually stop.

The others jump after us, all on their feet – Tobias holding Cara's hand to support her, which, despite myself, sends a wave of jealousy through me.

I let Uriah support Christina, who walks, though painfully, on her own, falling into step with Tobias.

"I never asked," he says, his gorgeous blue eyes locked with mine, "How are you? Did they hurt you?" His expression turns bitter, menacing even, and he looks at his shoes. "Any more, that is. I…" he trails off, but I know that he is thinking of the time Jeanine injected me with the fear serum.

I shrug. "I'm okay. Just had a little difficulty discerning the real from simulation at first. How about you?" I touch the cut on his face, moving to the thin white scar running from his forehead all the way to his cheek. There is a cut near his ear, and bruises. "You're hurt."

He shakes his head a little, but lets my hand be. "It's nothing."

I look at Edward, who has come astride of us. "I want Christina seen to as soon as we reach wherever we are going," I say.

"I don't think you are in a position to make demands here, Tris," Edward says neutrally.

I glower at him, about to retort, when Myra runs up to him. "Don't be harsh, Edward," she chastises. "I wouldn't want anyone to die on us."

"Remember where we are, Myra," Edward warns. "We owe them nothing." And he stalks off.

"I'm sorry about him. He –" she looks around at the band of factionless surrounding us, and seems to only just remember their presence. "I'll talk about him later," she says in a low voice. "It's true, then? You really are Tobias Eaton?" she says a little louder, almost conversationally.

"Yes," Tobias replies a little roughly.

"Wow. I'd never thought you were ever anything but Dauntless," Myra says with a small smile. Tobias doesn't reply, but his cheeks stain a slight pink. "I'll see you around." She looks at me. "Don't worry, Tris, I will take care of Christina," she assures.

"Thank you," I say with a nod and a smile. She nods back, and hurries ahead.

"You have your gun?" Tobias murmurs, too quietly for anyone else to catch. I nod, surreptitiously touching my belt, my fingers grazing against the cold metal of the gun that Zeke gave me.

The factionless lead us down the street and left into a grimy alleyway that stinks of garbage, familiar to me from my last visit. Little squeaks and scampering noises indicate rats, whose tails sometimes catch the eye, slipping between mounds of waste, empty trash cans, soggy cardboard boxes. The smell of rotting food and garbage is nauseating.

Edward stops next to one of the crumbling brick buildings and forces a steel door open. The grimy windows allow very little light to pass through; I take a second to appreciate the sheer level of deprivation that the factionless are subjected to. The terror I once had of becoming factionless almost starts to make perfect sense again.

The room we are led into is full of people – people sitting next to rolls of bedding, people prying open cans of food, people sipping bottles of water, and factionless children, weaving between the groups of adults, not confined to a particular color of clothing – but they are not as numerous I had once seen. The normalcy, the feeling of a community and family, that exists between these people does not surprise me anymore. The lack in number does. What went differently this time?

"Come on," Therese says, beckoning us. "She's back here."

"What's going on here? Why are you all together like this?" Cara is the first to voice the question I had once asked. "I – I had thought that the factionless were outcasts of the society."

"Hubris," Edward says over his shoulder with a bitter smirk. "I was deluded the same way once. You thought they—we—were all split up."

"Well, they were, for a while," Myra interjects, half turning. "Too hungry to do much of anything except look for food. But then the Stiffs started giving them food, clothes, tools, everything. And they got stronger, and waited. They were like that when we found them, and they welcomed us."

We move deeper and deeper into the building, towards stairs and silence. My stomach churns uncomfortably at the thought of seeing Evelyn. I can't help remember the taunt I had sent before initiation to her through the factionless man, even though it is of no consequence.

"Wait, you said they were waiting?" says Peter, and it is only then that I remember that he is with us. "What were they waiting for, exactly?"

"You'd like to know, wouldn't you, you little coward?" Edward sneers, making Peter take a step back. "For the world to fall apart," Edward says after a pause. "It almost did." He gives Tobias and me a keen look, and taking Myra's hand, turns away and leaves.

"The Erudite attack," Uriah says harshly. "That's what you were waiting for, right?"

"Or something similar," Therese says. "Enough to shake the central power. Everything would have worked, if not for you two." She looks at Tobias and me coldly. Tobias purses his lips.

"It makes me prouder of what we did," Tobias murmurs, his lips barely moving. I manage a slight smile in return.

"Come on up," Therese says, leading us up a flight of stairs. Cobwebs hang at every corner. The wood creaks under our feet on each step.

"Who is this person we are meeting, Tobias?" Zeke says with some coldness in his voice, coming up behind us. Tobias winces.

"Not now, please Zeke," he says. Zeke purses his lips and nods. Tobias' Adam's apple bobs in his throat; he spins a loose thread from his shirt around his finger again and again.

Therese stops at a metal door and pounds on it with her fist.

"It's Therese," she yells. "I want to see Evelyn. Tell her I have guests."

A man opens the door, eyeing us warily.

"Tell her we have Tobias," Therese says. The man looks at us for a long moment, his gaze lingering prominently on Tobias. "Looks like you do indeed." He grins at Tobias. "Come to join us, little prince?" Tobias scowls and says nothing. "Hold on," says the factionless man to Therese, and shuts the door.

A pregnant pause follows. Tobias keeps his gaze fixed on a spot on the door. Tentatively, I lace my fingers between his. He looks at me, startled out of his reverie.

"It will be okay," I whisper. "We are in this together." He gulps, his fingers shaking a little in my grip, but nods anyway, his gaze hard.

The door opens, and we are ushered inside. And there, through the maze of metal, at the back of the room where several bulbs dangle from the ceiling over a table, I face Evelyn Johnson for the first time in my second life. The light from the bulbs falls sharply on her face, accentuating the hooked nose and the strong jaw which Tobias has inherited. Her dark eyes look like bottomless abysses as she turns towards us.

"Evelyn," Tobias says, his voice shaking a little.

"Hello." She walks around the table, surveying him. "You look older."

"I think we can just stop going through this little game of yours every time we meet." Tobias' voice is cold. He just admitted to having seen her already, more than once, and in recent times. I wonder what Uriah, and especially Zeke are thinking.

"I am trying, Tobias," Evelyn says quietly, her voice strained. "At least one of us is."

"All of this started because you didn't try enough in the first place," Tobias says, his tone reeking bitterness. Evelyn's mouth turns downwards.

"Well– I –" She sighs, and then with a visible effort, smiles. "So you've finally come—"

"Not for the reason you think," he interrupts her. "We were running from Erudite, and were headed back to Dauntless, and your band happened to be on the train. Our friend was injured, and the only chance of escape we had required me to tell your poorly armed lackeys my name."

"I see." Evelyn's smile remains, but her eyes turn cold. "Introduce me to your fellow refugees, then."

Her eyes drift down to our joined hands. Tobias' fingers twitch like he is about to pull his hand away, but then he only tightens his hold on my hand.

"This is Tris Prior," he says, gesturing to me with his other hand. After a beat, he adds, "My girlfriend." To anyone, it would appear a common introduction, but Tobias' chin jerks upwards just a little; he straightens up a little more, his aura of power increasing. Evelyn's lips press together, but she says nothing.

"Zeke, my best friend," Tobias continues, "Uriah, his brother. Cara, Erudite. Peter and Christina, who had been my Dauntless initiates. And I want Christina attended to at once."

"We are in no way responsible for your friends' conditions," says Evelyn.

"Myra promised to treat Christina. I don't think you have a problem with that?" I interrupt. Evelyn looks at me for a long moment.

Evelyn gives Tobias a look. "Interesting friends you have made," she says. She looks at me distastefully. "Very well, one of you lead her out." Uriah helps her out. Zeke gives Tobias a look and leaves. I have a feeling that Tobias will have to talk to him soon. Peter looks indecisive, but then the door suddenly, opens, revealing Edward, and he leaves hastily. Now it's only Tobias, me and Cara with the factionless in the boiler room.

"Those are population counts?" says Cara. She has been quiet so far, but her eyes reflect open curiosity. Her silence has been dedicated to acquiring information. "And … what? Factionless safe houses?"

"That's a lot of questions," says Evelyn, arching an eyebrow. "For security purposes, I will not answer any of them. Anyway, it is time for dinner."

She gestures toward the door. Cara looks dissatisfied, but walks away from us, so it's Tobias, Evelyn and me in the end. I walk ahead, Tobias and Evelyn after me. We work our way through the maze of machinery again.

"I'm not stupid," she says in a low voice. "I know you want nothing to do with me—though I still don't quite understand why—" Tobias snorts.

"But," she says, "I will extend my invitation again. We could use your help here, and I know you are like-minded about the faction system—"

"Evelyn," Tobias says. "I chose Dauntless."

"Choices can be made again."

"What makes you think I'm interested in spending time anywhere near you?" he demands. I hear his footsteps stop, and slow down so I can hear how she responds.

"Because I'm your mother," she says, and her voice almost breaks over the words, uncharacteristically vulnerable. "Because you're my son."

"You really don't get it," he says. "You don't have the vaguest conception of what you've done to me." He sounds breathless. "I don't want to join up with your little band of factionless. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible."

"My little band of factionless is twice the size of Dauntless," says Evelyn. "You would do well to take it seriously. Its actions may determine the future of this city."

With that, she walks ahead of Tobias, ahead of me. I am about to follow when Tobias stops me. His eyebrows are lowered, expression grim.

"There isn't much scope of privacy here in factionless," he says quietly. He slumps against the wall. "What happened in Erudite? What does Jeanine want?"

I follow his stance, leaning against the opposite wall.

"She didn't believe the story you told her, at least she didn't later. She wanted to find out the truth about how we stopped the simulation, and how my Divergent brain works."

Tobias nods, his brow furrowed. "Did she find out?"

I feel a leaden weight settle in my heart. "She conducted experiments on me, and simulations. She knows a fair amount about the Divergent now; it will be easier for her to prepare a serum to control even the Divergent."

Tobias' expression darkens; he nods in silence.

"What about the simulation? Did she find out how much you know?"

I shake my head. "She tried, but couldn't get through. Almost did, though." I shudder. At Tobias' curious look, I say, "She had arranged for the truth serum from Candor. She was planning on using it on me tomorrow."

"What?" Tobias' eyes widen. "She's got Jack Kang under her thumb?"

I nod, biting my lip. "If – if Zeke hadn't got me out in time… I – she would have found out everything." The proper realization of just closely I escaped runs down like a storm through me, making the hair on my arms stand on end.

"You could have resisted the serum," Tobias consoles. "You know you can."

I shake my head. "I couldn't have kept all my secrets. It's a lot to hide, and too tough to manage under the truth serum. One way or the other, she would have found out that I am from the future." I can't control myself anymore; my whole body starts shaking. For a second, the world seems to crumbling all around me for no reason at all, and then Tobias' strong arms are around me, pulling me close, his warmth enveloping me. The steady rise and fall of his chest strengthens me as he embraces me in silence, his hand rubbing slow circles against my back. We stand in silence for a long time like that, then he kisses me softly on the forehead.

"It's all right," he says quietly against my skin, "It didn't happen. We are fine. You are fine."

"Yes," I whisper. "Yes." And I know that his presence is assuredly the greatest blessing in my life.

"Come on," he murmurs. "Everyone will be wondering where we went."

-o0o-

One of the factionless started a fire so we could heat up our food. Those who want to eat sit in a circle around the large metal bowl that contains the fire, first heating the cans, then passing out spoons and forks, then passing cans around so everyone can have a bite of everything. Perhaps it is because I have been through worse, but the lack of hygiene in the surrounding and the food available does not bother me anymore.

Edward drops to the ground next to me and takes the can of soup from my hands.

"So what had you in that little tiff with the Erudite?" he asks.

"My friend Cara was in danger," I say shortly.

"So you take off for a rescue mission," Edward remarks, and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. "Your Abnegation's showing. Selflessness and bravery when together form a dangerous cocktail. Usually called foolishness."

"You sound like a Candor," I say irritably. "Mind keeping your judgments to yourself?"

Therese leans over. "He was Erudite first, actually. Not Candor."

"Yeah, I know," I say, "I—"

She interrupts me. "So was I. Had to leave, though."

I nod, not encouraging further conversation with her. After my first encounter with them, I am yet to feel friendly towards the factionless.

"And in case you forgot," I look at Edward, "my 'cocktail of selflessness and bravery' was what saved you."

"I know." Edward glowers at his can of beans. His gaze drifts to Peter, sitting far away from us, and his expression turns fiercer. "Why do you have that little scumbag around anyway?"

"Twist of fate," I say. "We didn't ask him to be around."

"If it makes you feel any better, he got shot in the arm from a foot away during the simulation attack," Tobias says from my other side, speaking from the first time since dinner began. He has been devoting most of the time to staring at the fire. I cannot quite gauge his mood.

And of course it does seem to make Edward feel better, because his smirk carves a deeper line into his face.

"Who did that?" he says. "You?"

Tobias shakes his head. "Tris did."

"Well done," Edward says.

I nod, feeling a little sick at the memory of everything that happened then. I refrain from adding that Peter and I worked together for a very brief while then, and that it is because of him that I am sitting here instead of spewing my secrets to Jeanine.

After dinner, Tobias walks off to get us sleeping pallets and blankets, while I wander away. I almost bump into Christina near the staircase. Her shoulder is swathed in layers of bandage. She appears to be in a better shape.

"Hey," I smile. "How are you?"

"Better," she smiles back.

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah. Myra brought me food where I was, in some basement storeroom or something, I guess." Christina looks around, and whispers, "Just thinking how many germs there were in that soup…" She shudders and grimaces. "I'm glad I wasn't cut." I am tempted to mention that even being a member, your end at Dauntless either comes in factionless or death, but I keep my mouth shut. Just then, Myra pops her head round a doorway and comes over to us.

"Hello. All good?" At Christina's amiable nod, she turns to me. "I told you I'd take care of her," she says with a smile.

"Yeah, thank you so much," I say.

"It was a nasty one. Stung like hell," Christina says, making a face, but grins as well. "Tris," her expression sobers, "there's something we need to talk about."

I frown, but nod. "I'm coming." Christina nods and slips away. Myra turns to go away in the other direction, but struck by a sudden thought, I stop her.

"Myra," I say, "can you and Edward talk to me alone, any time you like? I have something to discuss."

Myra looks puzzled, but nods. "All right."

"Fine, then. I'll see you." I nod at her and leave to find Christina.

Christina is waiting with Uriah, Zeke and Cara at the door.

"We were thinking about leaving," Christina says.

"Leaving?" I echo, and then wonder why the thought hadn't crossed me before.

"We left yesterday before dawn, Tris," Uriah says grimly. "It has been two whole days since we've been gone. Everyone will be worried."

"Two days," I repeat. It is difficult to believe that everything that happened to me has been in two days. It seems like an eternity. On the other hand, when I think of Will and Marlene, it is painful to think that they have gone without news of us for two days. Uriah is right; we should get back.

"The facilities in Dauntless are better," Uriah continues. "I know they patched Christina up, but I'd still like Helena to see to her. I don't trust these people."

"I don't think we should, either," Cara murmurs.

"I don't see what we are doing here anyway," Zeke says. "The only person Evelyn Eaton seems to want is Four. If he's done, we can just as well leave right away."

I nod, about to say something, when I forget my words at the sight that catches my eyes. Tobias and Evelyn are talking, standing close together at a corner, Tobias holding several sleeping bags in his arms. Even as I watch, Evelyn puts her hand on Tobias' arm. While Tobias doesn't look too warm towards her, he doesn't shake it off either. My heart sinks.

"Well, there seems a small problem," I say, clearing my throat. "Four doesn't seem really ready to leave."

Everyone's eyes follow my gaze. Zeke's expression falls, but he looks more towards sad this time than angry. Christina's shoulders slump.

"I'm really worried about Will," she says quietly.

"Hey, we will get back right away," Uriah consoles her.

Christina laughs a little bitterly. "I was a Candor, Uri. Consolations don't work on me."

"Listen," I say, "I think you should leave anyway, tonight. You are right; we are wasting time here. I will talk to Tobias about your plan; if he wants to leave, we will all leave together. If not, Tobias and I will return tomorrow."

Zeke nods. "That seems good. Will you be okay?"

"I'll be with Tobias," I say. "You all leave with Cara. Will must be worried about her."

Tobias is laying the sleeping pallets down for us in a corner when I reach him. He smiles at me a little, his eyes almost as dark as his mother's in the lack of light.

"Ready for sleep?" he says.

"Our friends are planning to leave," I say.

Surprise makes his eyes widen. "They are? It's late."

"Our friends in Dauntless will be worried. They have been without news for two days."

He nods, his blue eyes inscrutable. "Will you stay the night?"

"I –" A leaden weight settles in my stomach. "Only if you stay."

Tobias nods again. "Here." He offers me a pallet and a blanket. "We should find ourselves a corner. It can get really crowded here."

I turn away to hide my disappointment. What just happened? _I want to get out of here as quickly as possible_. Wasn't that what he had said to Evelyn? Then why didn't he decide to leave with everyone else?

Tobias and I see our friends to the tracks along with Edward. Then near the flickering firelight, I find ourselves a corner among the factionless. When he bends over to untie his shoes, I see the symbol of Amity on the small of his back, the branches curling over his spine. His decision to stay in factionless when we could have left continues to baffle and frustrate me, but I can't stop the dull ache in my heart as I look at him, or the sudden rush of adrenaline running through my veins. When he straightens, I step across the blankets and put my arms around him, brushing the tattoo with my fingers.

Tobias closes his eyes. Disregarding anyone who might see us in the faint light of the dying fire, I slip my hand under his shirt, running my fingers up and down his back. I feel the tough muscles tightening and relaxing, and the rough touch of the long scars on his back. Tobias' arms snake around my waist; he kisses the side of my head as I listen to his steady heartbeat, his breaths heavy against against my cheek.

"I wish we were alone," he says.

I smile at him a little. "I almost always wish that," I say.

I fall asleep with his arm lazily draped over me, our blankets overlapping a little to offer us closeness. It is in times like these that I don't mind that my build us small, birdlike, as if just made for taking flight. His closeness feels like safety; it feels like home. And with our hands, both calloused — bearing the roughness of war, intertwined, I let myself forget where we are, and what tomorrow might bring. I fall asleep to distant conversation and Tobias' slow breathing, softly tracing the thin scar that runs down his forehead. As my eyes close, I feel my hand being moved and his lips touch my fingers, softly, just a little.

-o0o-

I wake up when the fire is out, and the embers glow softly, shadows heavy on the walls. There are dark shapes on the floor all around me — factionless sleeping under the thin, dirty blankets. Only a few are still up, talking quietly. But the space beside me where Tobias had been is cold. Panic swamps me momentarily, but then I calm down with some effort, telling myself that he must be around. Confusion follows; where did he go?

I raise myself to my elbows and look around, but find no sign of Tobias. Only a few factionless whom I don't know meet the eye. Frowning, I sit up. Where on earth did he go?

I rise to my feet and pad away from the corner which the two of us had occupied. My bare feet make no sound. The factionless sitting around, their faces half hidden in shadows, pay no attention to me.

It is when that I near one of the darkest corners of the storehouse, almost completely separated from the area where everyone is sleeping by a cracked, sour cream colored wall, that I hear voices. One male, one female. Tobias and Evelyn. I see Evelyn's shadow, faint against the almost nonexistent glow of the fire — strong and lean, like Tobias. I know that I should step back, that it is evidently the need for privacy that drew them here, but curiosity gets the better of me.

"Don't play games with me," I hear Tobias say. "I know exactly what you plan to do. And I won't be helping you even a bit. Not ever."

"You disappoint me, Tobias," Evelyn says. "I —"

"Like you didn't," Tobias mutters bitterly.

"I had thought _you_ of all people would understand," Evelyn continues, ignoring Tobias'comment.

"Why do you even think I'll ever help you?"

"Because you're my son," Evelyn sounds like she is pleading now.

"I —"

"Also because you of all people would know why I am doing this," Evelyn continues quickly. "You understand more than everyone the shortcomings of the faction system. You have seen the hypocrisy of Abnegation. You have seen the cruelty of Dauntless. The monstrosity of Erudite. You _know_ , Tobias. Don't pretend that everything is fine."

"I'm not," Tobias sounds like he is speaking through gritted teeth. "I know exactly what is going on. It is you who's pretending. Pretending that you are a liberator or something, when you are only going to replace Jeanine. Nothing will change. Nothing at all."

"This is because of her, isn't it?" Evelyn sighs after a pause. "You are doing this because — _that girl_ told you."

"Her name is _Tris_ ," Tobias hisses. "And what goes on between her and me is none of your business."

"You are acting foolishly, Tobias. Letting her manipulate you. Just because she says she is from the future —"

I stifle a gasp by clapping my hand over my mouth. Evelyn knows? Did Tobias tell her? How could he?

"I believe her," says Tobias. "I believe her infinitely more than I believe you."

"And why is that? Did you know anything about what I am doing? How much? I told you everything, Tobias. You saw things. Heard things. Are you following your eyes or will you continue believing that fairy tale she has woven for you?"

"You don't understand," Tobias growls, but I imagine I hear his confidence falter. "She knew exactly what Jeanine was planning. If she had not acted out, all of Abnegation would have been wiped out. I am not a fool, Evelyn. I know what I am doing."

"Do you?" Evelyn's tone is careful; she is planning every word she speaks. "All right, she is from the future. She knows enough to stop the attack on Abnegation, save her family. What next? How do you know that everything else she has told you is not one big lie? Could it not be that she earned your trust with that, and is now manipulating you to earn her own ends? If she knows that much, why did you spend over a day locked up in Erudite's prison, son? Why are there cuts and bruises all over your face?"

A deafening silence falls. My heart hammers so loud I am afraid they will hear me. I wait breathlessly for Tobias to defend me, to tell Evelyn she is wrong.

But he says nothing. Silence follows silence.

My breath leaving me heavily, I move away from the wall. He doesn't believe me. After everything that we have been through, Tobias doesn't believe me. My stomach coils up in a painful knot. My breath comes in shallow bursts.

I don't know how I manage to find my way back without making a noise. I lie down on my side, facing the wall. After some time, I hear his footsteps approach our corner. A cold draft tickles me momentarily as he lifts the blanket and lies down next to me. I don't want to admit that I eavesdropped, but I want an explanation of how he could possibly trust Evelyn enough to tell her everything. Hurt swirls inside me, brimful, like acid, burning. I am surprised that he doesn't notice I am awake.

In a few minutes, his breathing evens out and he falls asleep, while I lay awake, unable to even bring myself to look at him.

They do say that eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves.


	29. Bitter cold

**Okay, so after the long, long gap, I am finally back. Thanks to everyone for waiting patiently and the continuous support and best wishes. It means everything to me. My updates will not be exactly very frequent, because I have to continuourefine and work on even the hazy plotline had thought of in the begin, because now, it seems stupid and improbable. Anyway, I'll be updating as frequently as possible, and let's hope that's more than once in a month. ;)**

 **To Meyers1020, lament not, it seems you were were lucky that you read this story just now. Thanks for reviewing and following. Same thanks to everyone else; over 44000 reads and 393 reviews are more than I could hope for! You're the best!**

 **Enjoy**!

* * *

When I open my eyes, sunlight filters through the grimy windows and a pile of ashes remain in the place where the fire once burnt. And the place beside me where Tobias had been sleeping is empty, again.

 _Good,_ I tell myself, or try to. I don't think I can face him now. A strange bitterness fills me now as I think of him, so unlike the sweet feeling of home and safety that I have come to associate with him. The dull ache though, which always comes whenever I think of him, lingers, somehow even more pronounced than before.

I decide that I am in need of a shower; the grime and sweat from running from the Erudite cover my body, and I don't smell very well. With this thought in mind, I stand up, immediately feeling my arms ache from excess of lactic acid. My hair is sticky, falling in limp strands around my face. Running my fingers through the strands, I wander down the hallways towards the bathroom. As expected, there are other women standing before the sink, half-naked, washing themselves. I wash my hair thoroughly under the faucet, but as I do so, I face a problem. I don't have Susan or any other person from Abnegation to preserve my modesty while I wash. These women in factionless are immune to the taboo of nakedness due to the lack of resources and standards, but I still cannot bring myself to undress in public.

Someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around to find Myra. She carries two towels. Her clothes have been already rejected, and she stands unabashedly in a thin and worn petticoat that is practically worth nothing. I feel my cheeks heat and turn my face slightly to hide just how embarrassed I am.

"Hey." She smiles a little, not noticing my discomfort. "Come for a wash? You can go ahead. You turned up before me anyway."

"Uh, I —" I hesitate, unable to articulate my problems. Myra blinks at me for a few moments, before realizing what the problem is.

"Oh, right," she says, her eyes widening. "You are shy, aren't you? Guess it comes even more with being a stiff." She hands me one of her towels. "Tell you what, you go ahead, I will hold this towel like a screen so they won't see you. That okay?"

I nod and mumble thanks before shedding my clothes as Myra's towel guards me from the other women's sight. The water is cold, unsurprisingly, but I let the shivers that it causes on my skin make me even more acutely aware of the cleansing process.

"They – they had proper washing facilities back in Erudite," Myra says softly from the other side of the towel. "I mean, I know it sounds stupid but, well, I miss home."

"How is this life treating you?" I can't help ask. I gaze at a crack on the thinly plastered wall as I dry myself with my towel.

"Oh, it's much better than Dauntless," Myra replies. "At least I don't have to worry about fights every morning, and getting cut. They are all very accepting… It's good to talk to people of my old faction. But still, I just –" she trails off, and I can hear the wistful note in her voice.

"Edward told me about your decision."

"He is sweet," I can hear the sad smile in Myra's tone. "He had always wanted to join Dauntless, ever since I knew him. He'd read up all the books we had on the faction in our library, and he was always practicing – running, exercising, fighting. It was really good of him to leave for me. He had a good future in store for him there."

"You said you'd explain Edward's behavior," I say as I step out, fully dressed once more. I found myself a pair of black trousers and a Candor white shirt. They aren't in the best condition, but at least I smell alright now. I hadn't anticipated Edward's behavior to be as hostile as we saw, almost as much as last time, not after the last conversation we'd had at Dauntless.

"Oh, yeah," Myra nods. "Just let me wash myself." She looks around cautiously. "He wouldn't like me to talk about this in public." Myra hands me the extra towel and moves to the sink. She leads me to an empty corner when she is done and dressed.

"Don't think too harshly of Edward," she murmurs. "He is grateful to you for saving him that night. And he thinks highly of the advice you gave him that morning, he told me. Just… appearances are important in factionless. Loyalty to their group is important here too, just like the factions. Edward couldn't get his desired position in Dauntless, so he is trying hard here. I daresay he enjoys it better here, since we are no longer under the pressure of getting cut and unnecessary competition. Don't hate him, Tris; he is only trying to make his mark in this world."

I nod in silence, not knowing what to say. "I want to talk to him alone. Could you arrange that?"

"I guess," Myra nods. "Does sometime in an hour work for you?"

"Alright," I agree. With nothing more seemingly to be said between us, I turn away with a nod.

"Tris?" I turn at Myra's call. "Do you – do you know if Peter is still here?" she asks.

"I –" I frown. "I don't know," I say slowly. "I haven't seen him… he should have left. He is scared of Edward anyway; he wasn't comfortable here."

"I hope he has," Myra says anxiously. "Edward hates him – very rightly too – and he has some anger issues. It would be better for all of us if he's left."

I smile a little to myself. The presence of both eyes and Myra have done a lot for Edward.

"Tris." I look up.

"Yes?"

Myra's expression is grave. "Not to sound rude or anything, but I'd suggest you leave as soon as possible," she says slowly. "Evelyn wants Four – Tobias, but she clearly doesn't like you. You – you're not welcome here."

I laugh a little, without humor. "Oh, trust me, I know that, Myra," I say with a bitter smirk. "I know that better than anyone."

-o0o-

I run into the person I wanted to see the least as I walk out of the bathroom.

"Beatrice," Evelyn smiles thinly at me.

"It's Tris," I say shortly.

"Tris," she amends. "Forgive me, I am not used to a person changing their skin so quickly."

She is trying to bait me. "I don't think you are in a position to comment on it," I say, controlling my anger with difficulty.

The lines on Evelyn's face contort, but only for a second; the next moment the blank, smooth mask is back. Around us, the factionless are moving around busily, going out, coming in. Some of them carry tins of paint and brushes.

"They keep watch on the entire city. Every faction," Evelyn says, looking at them. I notice how she abruptly changed the subject. "The ones with the paint – they're going to write a message to the other safe houses, on one of the billboards. Codes formed out of personal information—so-and-so's favorite color, someone else's childhood pet."

"Clever," I say with a forced smile.

"Isn't it?" Evelyn smiles, but there is something cold even in that. "It was my idea. Every faction imagines the factionless as a nonentity, but they disregard their potential in their own pride."

I take a deep breath. "That is true."

"But surely you know about all this?" She looks casual, nonchalant. She is anything but. "I hope I am not boring you with my old talk?"

It would be wise to turn away, to shrug it off with a noncommittal reply. I almost manage to do so, to end the conversation, but her words create a kind of pressure inside my mind, like she is squeezing my brain between her hands. She is rubbing her power in my face. I cannot ignore it any longer.

"Listen carefully," I say in a low voice. I check over her shoulder for Tobias, to make sure he isn't listening in, and then continue. "You may suddenly have gained a lot of information about me, but if you think that gives you some sort of leverage over me, you are mistaken. And I'm not stupid. I can see that you're trying to manipulate him and use him. But it won't work. Tobias is too clever for that. He knows you."

"No," Evelyn's dark eyes glint dangerously, but her expression is calm, almost serene. "What he does know is some story a silly girl has woven before him. And all too soon, he will come to his senses. If only you had heard what he had to say to me last night, or rather, what he _couldn't_ say…" she trails off delicately, and it's almost as if she knows that I eavesdropped last night, and that she wanted me to, even.

"He doesn't –" I begin, but I don't know what I am about to say; the words seem to slip away, just like my wavering faith on Tobias. I want to believe that he would never betray my trust, but my confidence, already broken, keeps withering under Evelyn's relentless assault.

"My dear girl," says Evelyn, "I am his family. I am permanent. You are only temporary."

Her words had hurt last time, but this time they hit me with double the force, sharp and stinging like a whiplash, and more so because a soft voice in my head whispers, _What if she is right?_ I had thought Tobias believed me. What more can I do to convince him that I am telling the truth?

I don't even have the strength to make a sharp retort to her. My hands shaking, I slip past her and away. I don't even have to look to know the triumphant look she must be wearing.

I walk to the door of the safehouse looking at the lanes lined with filth. Everything suddenly feels so heavy to me. I want to go back to Dauntless, to my friends; I wish I had left last night. I want to leave now, but I am holding back only because of Tobias. I want us to go back together. But where do we stand now? After everything we have been through, has he joined with Evelyn again, already? I want a confrontation, to come clear of exactly what is going on here, but how do I tell him that I eavesdropped on a conversation I was very clearly not meant to hear, at least where Tobias is concerned?

"Tris?"

I jump, the voice hitting me like a live wire. God, there he is. And suddenly, I am not ready to face him at all. I turn reluctantly.

"Tobias." I can't quite meet his eyes. I don't want to see him right now. _If only you had heard what he had to say to me, or rather, what he couldn't say…_ Except that I did, I did; how could he? "What do you want?"

Tobias looks concerned, worried even, perhaps, as he stares at me. Despite the cold ice clawing at my heart, the small patch of light in his dark blue iris draws me towards it.

"Are you okay?" he asks quietly. "I haven't seen you around in a while."

My head snaps up, my eyes clashing with his gaze. "Well, it must be because you are too busy with things here," I say bitterly. "I have been around all the time. But it's okay. I guess you have a lot in your hands."

"I –" Tobias frowns. "What are you trying to imply?"

I give him a small smile. "Nothing," I say coolly. "Now, if you could excuse me, I need to be somewhere."

Not giving him time to reply, I brush past him. But then his calloused hand is around my wrist, his strong grip stopping me mid-stride.

"What are you doing?" I hiss. "Let me go!"

"Why are you being like this?" Tobias scowls. "What is wrong?"

"What is wrong? Oh, nothing at all!" I seethe, my anger hurtling to the front. "Everything is fine in this little factionless heaven; everything is totally fine!"

I tug again, but this time, Tobias takes both my hands in his. He inhales deeply, as if trying to calm himself.

"Tris," he says quietly. "Please. Talk to me. What happened? Did _I_ do something wrong?"

His sincere tone almost calms me down into talking to him, but his last sentence makes my patience snap in half.

"If you can't even figure out what you did, Tobias," I say equally quietly, my voice shaking, "Then there is no use telling you anyway." I jerk myself away from him again. This time, he doesn't stop me.

-o0o-

I sit down on the floor, my heart hammering. I hate fighting with Tobias; everything that happened in my last life – our constant bickering and lack of trust in each other after our arrival in Candor, and how things completely broke between us when Uriah died, rushes through my mind. Are we going down in that direction again?

Some of the factionless sit near me, passing around tins of food. One of them holds a tub of peanut butter out to me, and I mechanically put my fingers in the sticky mess and put some in my mouth. Suddenly, a shadow falls over me. I look up, startled, thinking it might be Tobias, but it's only Edward.

"Myra said you wanted to talk to me," he says. His tone is much gentler than our first conversation in the factionless.

"Yes," I say, getting up and dusting myself. "Could we go someplace private?"

Edward quirks his eyebrows at me. "If there is one thing that's hard to find here, it's privacy. But come along. I'm sure we'll get a spot."

We walk over to the very far, darkest corner of the safehouse, where Edward stops me, opening a storage cabinet. It is quite large, but the sight of the dark, closed space makes me uncomfortable. It brings memories of Tobias' fear landscape. Only, this isn't Tobias.

"I'm not sure this is a good idea –" I say.

"It will be fine," Edward says. "Trust me, I don't want to be shut up here with you any more than you. But we can't risk being seen close together. They don't use this cabinet anyway. We'll be safe here."

Reluctantly, I follow Edward into the dusty cabinet, pushing away moldy blankets to make space. Edward was right, the space is big enough to hold both of us; but our knees knock together. Edward shuts the door after me, leaving only a chink of light streaming inside.

"So, what do you want?" Edward asks. "I can guess it's serious."

"Yeah," I fold my hands on my knee. "I – I believe you're trying to get close to Evelyn, to rise in the ranks of the factionless."

In the near-complete darkness, I see Edward's expression turn frosty. "What if I am?" he says coldly. "It's none of your business."

"I know," I say quickly. "It's not. But I need your help."

Edward looks at me suspiciously. "What does that have to do with this?"

"I – can I trust you?" I say warily.

"I don't know, can you, Tris?" Edward replies slowly. "It depends on whose side you're on."

I purse my lips. "I am on no one's side, Edward. I just want to stop the death of innocent people."

"I –" Edward appears at a loss about what to say.

"Do you remember the things I told you before you left?"

Edward nods. "Yeah, about the possibility of the factionless rebelling, and how it will lead to unnecessary violence, right?"

"Yes." I press my thumbs together. "How much of that plan has taken place yet?"

Edward looks down. "I am not supposed to tell you this, but then, I guess, Evelyn is telling all that to Tobias anyway." I notice how he keeps calling him 'Tobias', and not 'Four', just like the other factionless when they have to talk to him or about him. "Evelyn was preparing us all – having the other safehouses work together as much as possible – for the aftermath of the Erudite attack on Abnegation. The government would fall with that, and Jeanine Matthews would be the only remaining hurdle towards establishing a factionless administration. But then you and Tobias stopped the attack, and all of Abnegation survived. But we are waiting, because sooner or later, the clash of Erudite with the other factions will allow us a chance."

I nod. "Do you want this to happen?"

"You have seen how we live," Edward says. "You have seen the superiority of the factions. The faction system is not perfect." His voice rose as he went on. "The Dauntless are ruthless and cruel. The Candor, can you believe they stand for the truth, after – after that _scum_?" He spits the last word out and I know that he is talking about Peter. "The Amity are cowards hiding under the cover of peace. The Abnegation aren't true – we know what Eaton did to his wife and son. And," he sighs, "even the Erudite aren't perfect. That's why I left. This system – kicking people out thinking they aren't _enough_ , seriously, it's never going to work."

I lower my head. "I know."

"Yeah?" Edward seems surprised at my answer. "Then why –"

"Because I think Evelyn's is not the right method. The faction system is bound to go down with time; there is no need for bloodshed. Evelyn wants power, Edward, that is why she is heading this way. I have a good idea what things will be like – it will not be pretty. I don't think you want your family to die, do you?"

"I – they are not my family anymore. My faction – the factionless are my family," Edward says, but I can hear the confidence in his voice falter.

"Listen, Edward. All I want is to stop Evelyn's attack when it happens, just like I wanted to stop the attack on Abnegation. I have no problem with your ambition of rising in the factionless ranks. I want you to do that. All I want you to do is keep an eye out, and as soon as you know when the siege is going to happen, tell me. Okay?"

"What will you do then?" Edward says suspiciously.

"Try to negotiate. I don't want a fight, I told you," I reply, a little impatient.

"Alright, I –" Edward begins, then abruptly stops. I open my mouth to ask him the reason, but then I, too, hear what he has heard. Quiet, but distinct sound of footsteps making their way towards our hiding spot. Instinctively, we shift deeper into the cabinet, but there isn't much space to hide.

A shadow falls over the door of the cabinet, cutting off the stream of light coming in. And then the panes swing open, and I find myself face to face with those dark blue eyes again. The lack of light hides the patch of light blue, rendering both his eyes dark, almost like Evelyn's.

Tobias' face undergoes a rapid change of expressions – starting from utter shock to confusion to anger and something darker, finally reaching frosty blankness. His hands shake a little, and he turns on his heels and strides away, leaving both Edward and me sitting, stunned.

"Well," Edward whistled softly. "That did not go well."

"I can't believe this," I murmur. I shudder at what it must have looked like to Tobias – Edward and I sitting so close to each other in this small, dark space, the door closed, our knees touching. But he can't possibly think that low of me…?

"I must talk to him." I stand up and look at Edward. "Remember what I said, please. Any news, please inform me." At his nod, I run the way Tobias had taken.

It takes me some time to find him, by which time he is opening the front door of the safehouse.

"Tobias!" I call. "Tobias, wait!" But he ignores me, walking away outside. I catch the door just before it can slam on my face, and hurry outside without bothering to close it behind me.

"Tobias!" I am gasping a little now. It's not like I am not fit, I have done plenty of running before; it's just that Tobias is fitter, and his long strides are equal to two of mine. My emotions also keep hindering me. "Tobias, listen to me!"

He finally stops, turning towards me. I skid to a stop. His face is expressionless. His eyes seem frozen.

"Please leave me alone, Tris," he says quietly. This is bad. Quiet is bad when it comes to Tobias.

"Listen to me, please," I insist.

"What do you want?" The way he throws my own words at me makes me flinch.

"I want to explain," I plead.

"You weren't ready to hear me out, were you? You wouldn't even tell me anything! And now when _you_ want to explain, I have to listen to you?" He frowns at me.

"I, well I –"

"You have been acting so strangely since we came here." Tobias scowls. "You won't talk to me. Do you even trust me anymore?"

Just when I was about to apologize.

"Well, what more could I have done?" I ask with raised eyebrows. "I stayed with you, just to be with you, when everyone else left. I have been there for you all this time and – and what do you do in return? Why, Tobias? Why should I trust you?"

Tobias staggers back as if physically hit, his face turning pale. He turns away from me, pacing a few steps. When he turns back, his cheeks are splotchy. I can't remember ever seeing his face change color before. No, I have. I pale at the memory.

"I – I have no idea what mistake I made in staying in factionless for one more day. I did not want to stray out at night when we could be easily ambushed. I didn't really think it would be anything for you to lose your trust in me." He sighs bitterly. "Sometimes," he says quietly, "it isn't easy to be with you, Tris."

His words, reaching my ears for the second time, hit me like a slap. Something inside me seems to crack. I know it's not. I have known it for a long time.

"I –" I take in a rasping breath, ignoring the burning sensation in the corners of my eyes. "I am sorry about what happened now. I was only planning with Edward, nothing more." I clench my hands into fists. "But you want to know why I can't trust you now, Tobias?" My voice starts to rise. "It is because you told your mother about my secret! I _trusted_ you. If I'd wanted to, I could have lied to you when you found me out that night, but I didn't because I knew I could trust you. I believed in you. How could you –"

Tobias' face is suddenly chalk white. His eyes are wide and terrified. "Tris – no – listen to me –"

"No, _you_ listen, Tobias," I go on, my anger in charge. "You know what? I'm tired of being stuck here, with nothing to do. Your mother hates me, you know that! We are wasting time here."

"Tris, wait, it wasn't –" Tobias tries again, looking panicked and frustrated.

I shake my head. "I'm leaving, _Four_. You can come back whenever you want. I'm going back to Dauntless." I take a few steps back from him, and start running. Behind me, I can here Tobias following, and I run even faster. My chest feels like it is being pressed tighter and tighter.

"Tris! Wait, Tris!" But I don't. The thin lanes in the factionless sector are numerous and twisted, and all too soon, Tobias' calls have faded away. I gasp for breath as I stop, bending and gripping my knees. I am already regretting my impulsive exit. I was stupid; I let my emotions get better of me. Tobias obviously had something to say; I should have heard him out. I look back at the way I had come, lined with garbage, with rats and cockroaches scuttling around, and flies buzzing. I feel cold, and not because of the temperature. Should I go back to Tobias? We should have solved this problem like adults instead of exchanging sharp words and me running off. I bit my lips, staring at the thin, serpentine lanes. Is he still waiting out there, or has he already gone inside to Evelyn? The ache in my heart for Tobias grows, but my pride prevents me from going back. We will get this cleared in Dauntless, I convince myself. If anything, it might induce him to return to Dauntless sooner. I do not wish to return to factionless and Evelyn's gloating face. With these thoughts, I start to make my way for the tracks.

The wind blows on my face as I reach the tracks, and I think back to the last time I'd left factionless – with Tobias, to leave for Candor. I remember the doubts I'd had then about Tobias' intentions, about his resolutions to reach Candor and how he had so resolutely kept me out of his plans with Evelyn. I remember the time he went to forge a formal alliance with the factionless; he had not asked for my opinion at any point of time, and he had been so defensive of his mother, simply because they had a common enemy in Marcus. Mistakes, all mistakes. Are we going the same way this time as well? Has everything I told Tobias fallen short to Evelyn's manipulation?

The train arrives with a loud rumble and I steady myself, jogging alongside it and then pulling myself up into a compartment. Factionless passes by before my eyes as I stand at the door. Tobias is there. Guilt presses at my heart despite my anger and sense of betrayal. I should not have left him. Perhaps a proper conversation would have cleared everything; perhaps I could bring him away form Evelyn's clutches. But running away from him, I have achieved nothing; I feel like I have failed, failed Tobias. With some poor consolations to myself, I turn away from the door with a sigh. And freeze.

My eyes meet with six other pairs on the far end of the compartment. The eyebrows above one of them – dark and glinting even in the darkness – are pierced with metal rings. All six soldiers are dressed in black with blue bands on their arms.

It's Eric. And Dauntless soldiers allegiant to Erudite.

Shock renders my mind blank for a second. Of all people to meet… My luck could not have been worse.

Eric and his companions stare at me for a second, and at that moment it seems as if all of us are measuring each other. And then we all move. In the blink of an eye, all of them draw out their guns. I pull out the one I have been carrying from Erudite, and duck as the first shot rings out.

"No, you idiots!" Eric yells. "We need her alive! Be careful."

The limited space gives me a huge disadvantage as I get less space to dodge the bullets, but it also means that Eric and his companions will have to be more careful if they do not wish to kill me outright. Taking a deep breath, I roll on the floor, firing a couple of quick shots at the soldiers, a few hit them, but not, I see, fatally.

The train's movement makes it more difficult to fight than on level ground. The shots rain from the five guns, some missing me only narrowly, and I struggle to retaliate. Eric, I notice between shots, is standing back, watching the show.

Gradually, it becomes more and more difficult for me to dodge the bullets. I throw myself to the floor to avoid another shot, just as searing pain lights up on my right leg. I bite down on my lip, drawing blood as I try to muffle my scream. The floor of the train swims a full circle in my eyes.

Wincing, I raise myself on my elbows, my fingers shaking around my gun. The soldiers have stopped shooting, looking at me warily. One of them is around my age, another even younger. Eric's boots click against the floor as he takes a step towards me.

"So, Tris Prior," he says with a smug smile. "Fancy seeing you here."

His words make something shift inside me. My heart thuds loudly as the thought of the events that will follow this hit me full force.

He will take me to Erudite.

Jeanine will complete her tests on me.

She will develop a serum for the Divergent.

She will know the truth about myself, and will probably lock me up in Erudite to slowly extract information about the future.

This is desperate. Everything ends now. Tobias will not be able to save me again. The searing pain in my leg seems to agree with that. All over. Everything washed away.

Unless I act.

Until now, I had not wished to fatally hurt any of the soldiers, despite myself, but I can't do this anymore. Gritting my teeth, I look into Eric's eyes, then at the other soldiers, and start firing.

I don't know how many shots I fire, but I just go on, my body shaking under the assault of the recoil, raised on one leg. I know that I must look wild and crazed, because I am not thinking; it's only my survival instinct working now.

"Stop! Stop, please!" The youthful voice makes me snap out of my unthinking, single-minded massacring. Bile rises in my throat as I see what I have done – three of the soldiers lie dead on the floor, riddled with bullet holes, in a pool of blood. The young man my age is bleeding from his soldier. It was the young girl soldier who had screamed, who is now cowering at one corner. Eric, too, is surprisingly unharmed, slinking against the wall as far as possible from me; the sight of him makes me want to start shooting again.

"Don't – no more," the girl whimpers. I look at Eric. He looks shocked and horrified, but also satisfied in a strange way, as if I have passed a test. He nods at me, agreeing with the girl, and raises both his hands a little in a surrendering gesture.

"Don't – don't you dare take a step towards me," I warn. "Any of you. Or I'll shoot." I don't know if I have any bullets left in my gun, though. The adrenaline has faded from my blood leaving only exhaustion – both emotional, from my argument with Tobias (it feels strange and dreamlike, like a fading nightmare; I half-convince myself that all this will go away when I wake up), and physical. This is the second time I have been shot in this life, and the pain is just as bad as the last time, if not more. A layer of sweat lines my forehead.

I drag myself to the door to support myself up using the handle. My progress is slow, and I can feel the three pairs on eyes on me. Suddenly, I see a quick movement in my peripheral vision, and turn in time to see the young man lunging at me.

My grip on my gun is not strong enough; it skitters away from me as the heavy body collides against mine, his leg hitting my gun wound wrenching a scream out of me. We lurch towards the door, our arms tangled in struggle.

"L-let go!" I scream, trying hard to keep myself inside the train.

"No!" he grunts, and to my horror, brings up his gun. Desperately, I punch him in the abdomen, causing him to gasp. I follow up with a hit to his solar plexus, which leaves him reeling. As he rushes at me again, I press my lips together and throw all my weight on my uninjured leg, swerving out of his way. I look on in horror as he screams, tries to control his balance but fails, and is hurled out of the train. His body bounces against the concrete, around five feet down at the moment, and disappears.

I am dazed as I slowly turn from the disaster that just took place before me. The next thing is see is the barrel of a gun. Eric smirks at me as he slowly curls his fingers around my throat.

"Now, now, Tris," he says lazily, as if he wasn't just slumped against the wall, terrified of my shooting. "We wouldn't want any more nuisance from you today, would we?"

He drags me by the throat towards the door, until I can feel the wind on my back and through my hair.

"What – what are you –" I gasp, "– doing h-here?"

"We came to take a look at Dauntless," Eric says with a smirk. "See what you've been doing. You all destroyed the security cameras, you naughty girl! Increasing our work like that." He makes a tsking noise. "But fancy seeing you midway through the route. What have you been doing in the factionless, Prior?"

"N-none of your business," I manage.

"Wrong answer," he says, his eyes glinting maliciously, and thrusts me out of the train. My feet kick the air helplessly, my right leg burning with dizzying pain.

"Won't you tell me, little Stiff?" Eric coos. "Or out and down you go."

"P-please," I gasp. I hate begging to him, but I am desperate.

"Oh well," he sighs with a wicked smirk. "That does sound nice, you begging. Jeanine will get it out of you with the truth serum anyway."

He pulls me back, and as soon as my feet touch the ground, my fist shoots out to hit Eric heavily on the chest.

"Hey!" he gasps, staggering back, his chokehold around me loosening. But I realize my mistake far too late. My feet are just on the edge of the compartment and with the train's next lurch, I lose my footing. My wounded leg is not good enough to save me.

"NO!" I claw at the handle but fail to grab it. The last thing I see before my body hits the concrete is the young girl's face staring at me fearfully from inside the train.

 _Crash_.

My body hits the concrete and bounces and rolls over from the momentum.

 _Snap_.

Again. Twice.

 _Crack_.

My head hits the concrete with an audible crack, and the world goes dark.


	30. Fix You

**I know y'all are mad at how the last chapter ended, so I'll just put most of my A/N afterwards to put you out of your misery. Enjoy!**

* * *

My consciousness comes to me slowly, as if through a deep fog. A heavy pressure seems to lie on top of me, as if I were lying on the ocean bed, with layers and layers of water above me, slowing down the process of my waking, my thoughts brittle and uncoordinated. Darkness lies in my vision under my closed eyelids. The oblivion feels comforting. The feeling of being completely blank, of not having the need to think, to act, to worry — it is blissful surrender, this phase of inaction, the lack of emergency and action. The waters lap over my body as I lie in a state of complete numbness, without being able to feel my body. Part of me – all of me, perhaps, wants this. This is what anyone would want. Eyes closed, mind closed, deeply relaxed.

But this sense of nothingness was not to remain, I should have known that. It hits me like a piercingly bright light in the darkness – the sense of an urgent need to wake, even though I can't understand why I have to. As the pressure fades from my body, I regain feeling of my limbs, slowly, from the tip of my toes to the strands of hair on my scalp, as well as the surface I am lying on. And then comes the pain.

It is not acute and burning, but oppressive and constant, a dull throb which is almost annoying in its ceaselessness. Something tells me it is going to get worse if I try to move. I purse my lips together. I need to wake up, even though it hurts. I don't know why, but I have to.

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut one last time, before slowly opening them. My gaze meets those sterile white walls which are becoming too familiar to be good for me – the Dauntless infirmary. The lights hurt my eyes, so I squint around, only to see a person pacing in the space in front of my bed. He walks rapidly, his head bowed and his hands behind his back. His figure is blurry to me, but that telltale short brown hair – almost black in the places where the shadows crawl – gives away his identity to me. Following his fast pace and constant movement with my eyes makes me dizzy and nauseous on top of the headache that has been steadily growing from the second I woke.

"Please stop pacing," I mumble weakly, my voice raspy and low and strange to my ears. "It's making me queasy."

The faint sound reaches his ears, almost as if he were expecting it. Tobias freezes and turns to look at me. His eyes are still that dark, liquid blue. It sends my heart aflutter despite myself. For a second, there is no movement, no sound between us; both of us seem to be caught up in each other. And then he is over at my bedside with his long, powerful strides. He kneels down, so our eyes are on the same level. His face betrays no expression, but there is vulnerability written in his eyes and on his lips. He just looks at me. Not a word comes from his parted, full lips. It is unnerving.

"Say something," I whisper. It seems to break him out of a reverie.

"I –" he struggles to speak, and finally tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers move from my hair to my face, tracing my cheeks, my lips and my eyelids, which flutter down, with feather-light, trembling touch. "Tris," he breathes. He gulps, his Adam's apple bobs in his throat. "I thought you'd never wake up."

"I – how –" I have so many questions that I can't figure out which one to ask first. I lace my fingers through his. "How long was I unconscious?"

"It's been almost two days," he says with a heavy sigh. My eyes widen. I have been out that long?

"How is Cara? Is she safe?"

"She's fine." Tobias nods. "I heard she got into a bit of trouble upon entering Dauntless. Many people were… reluctant to let her stay in Dauntless because she is Erudite. But Will and the others vouched for her, and everything is fine now."

I nod. "And Zeke?"

Tobias shrugs. "He's okay." We are both of us blatantly attempting to ignore the elephant in the room, which becomes painfully clear when silence descends between us, awkward and oppressive.

"Why did you do it, Tris?" Tobias sighs finally. "Why did you run? If you had given me even two minutes to talk, I could have explained everything. Every single thing. If you could have brought yourself to trust me only a little more –"

I do not know if it is because of the pain throbbing everywhere in my body, but my temper flares in an instant. Perhaps it is because his reproachful tone hitting my pride (though I would not like to think that). "Well, I am sorry for not giving you time to speak when you wouldn't listen to a word I had to say!" I say in a biting tone. "I am sorry that my past gives me reason to doubt your relationship with your mother!"

"If that is so, all you had to do was talk to me!" Tobias retorts. " _You_ are from the future, Tris, not I. It is you who knows things, not me. I think you forget that sometimes."

His words drench me like ice-cold water, especially because I know that every word he says is absolutely true. "I –"

Tobias' mouth droops, and lines fold over on his forehead. He purses his lips together and takes a deep breath. "This is not about that," he says quietly. "Do you know what it was like for me when you ran away? What it was like for me to find that you had never reached Dauntless?" His tone becomes more and more desperate with every word. "Do you have any idea how much this incident could have cost me? You –"

"What, Tobias?" The words are out of my mouth before I know what I am saying. "What did it cost you? Your nice little picnic with your mom?" I gasp at what I said, covering my mouth with my hand. Tobias flinches away from me, hurt filling his eyes. His cheeks turn bloodless, and then splotchy.

"I'm – I'm sorry," I stammer immediately. "I – didn't m-mean to say that." But the damage is already done; I see Tobias' dark blue eyes freeze over. My eyes burn at the corners. Tobias stands up.

"Tobias – please –" I try again. He opens his mouth to say something, but at the moment, we are interrupted by a gasp from the door. Both of us turn to see Christina standing there with a slack jaw.

"She's awake," she says. "Will, she is awake!" she screams in such a high and loud voice that I am tempted to clap my hands over my ears. There is a quick pattering of feet from the corridor outside, and then Will appears beside Christina. He ducks his head in embarrassment, however, when he sees Tobias.

"She's a bit occupied, Chris," he mumbles. "We'll come and see her some other time."

"Oh, no, we are done," Tobias says in a tone of grim finality, very carefully not looking at me. "You can come on in. Call Helena for a look when you are done." He turns to look at me, and the expressionless mask he wears gives me chills. This is the first day at Dauntless all over again, except that I feel like I am breaking into pieces against the walls he has put up around himself once more.

"I'll see you later, Tris," he says out loud, very calmly. Then he takes a step forward, and whispers so that only I can hear, "And for the record, it was not me who gave away your secret to Evelyn; Evelyn overheard you when we were talking on the staircase." A look of pain and vulnerability comes into his eyes; it almost breaks my heart in two. "I had never thought you would think this low of me, Tris. I had thought I had done enough to gain your trust. I am sorry to see that it is not so."

And with these words, he strides away from me without giving me a chance to reply.

If my heart had not been broken by now, it definitely breaks at that moment.

-o0o-

I stare blankly ahead at Christina and Will hurry over to me. I can't even bring myself to generate a reaction when Christina and Will hug me. My mind is numb.

It wasn't Tobias' doing at all. He did nothing to betray me. And all this time I had blamed him, screamed at him, accused him, run away from him, when…

…when it was all my fault.

My head spins. It was my carelessness which handed my secret over to Evelyn. If only I had not mentioned 'I am from the future'… if only I had said _anything else_ that would allow Tobias to understand… I feel sick. I let my wrong intuitions and thoughtless assumptions and Evelyn's manipulation to rule me. All those things that I said to him… I look down at my fingers. My fault. All my fault. Will Tobias ever forgive me? Oh God, what have I done!

"Tris?" I jerk out from my reverie to see Will and Christina exchanging worried looks. "Are you feeling alright?" Will asks anxiously. "Are you in pain – should I call in the nurse?"

I shake my head and try for a smile. "I am fine," I tell them. "Just a bit – disoriented. I just woke up after all."

Christina nods sympathetically as the two of them pull up chairs near my bed.

"How are you?" Christina asks, her eyes softening. "You are quite a state."

Till now, I had not really paid much attention to my injuries, engrossed with my conversation ( _argument_ , I think gloomily), but at Christina's words, I tilt my neck to look down at what my condition is. My left arm is wrapped in bandages, and a plaster cast over the lower part of my left leg. Everywhere else, I see stitches and bandages on my skin like a collage made by a child. The dull throb of pain continues.

"What happened?" Christina and I ask each other at the same time, and then smile a little at the coincidence.

"You first," Will says with a cheeky half-smile, "seeing as neither of us look like an advertisement for a hospital."

I glare at him playfully at the joke, then sigh. "Tobias and I had an argument at factionless," I confess. "I was angry, and tired of staying stuck in that place with nothing to do, so I left." The remorse I feel must be showing on my face, because Christina puts her hand on my arm and says softly:

"Hey, don't feel so bad about that. It's not your fault. I know how you must have felt in there; I couldn't stand the place for even a day." She shudders a little.

I know that it is so much more than just that, but I keep quiet.

"And then?" Will prompts.

"I fell off the train."

There is a moment of stunned silence. Will and Christina gape at me.

"What?" Christina says faintly. "But how can _you_ –"

"I took the train to Dauntless," I explain more fully. "Eric and his cronies were incidentally on the same compartment that I got in."

Christina gasps. Will looks horrified. "What were they doing there?" he asks.

"They were going to spy on Dauntless. We fought… I killed four of them. Eric and one of them live. But I lost my balance and fell."

"This is terrible!" Christina cries. "Does that mean they have been spying on us all this time?"

"I don't know," I admit. "But I don't think so. Eric sounded like it was the first time they were heading towards Dauntless. Did the guards see any spy around?"

Christina shakes her head. "There has been no alert. Either they haven't managed to spy on us after their fight with you, or they have been too clever."

There is a short, pensive silence. I know that all three of us are hoping for the first option to be the truth.

"What happened here?" I ask to break the silence. "I hope you didn't face any trouble?"

Christina shakes her head. "We reached home just fine. There was some trouble with Cara and Zeke though."

"They wouldn't let Cara enter Dauntless," Will says with a scowl, "because she was wearing blue. I told them she was my sister, and Chris and Uriah told everyone that she was with us, but they wouldn't listen. They might have killed her. Sure wanted to." Will's face resembles a thundercloud.

"It was more difficult since you or Four were not with us," says Christina. "They respect you; a leader's words would have helped. Finally Harrison reluctantly ordered everyone to let her in, said that you had told him that she was the one who had helped you stop the attack. No one will talk to her, but at least she can stay."

"She wants to go out to the Fence and stay at Amity till everything blows over," Will informs a little sadly. "It's difficult for her to stay in this hostile environment. I don't know if she will leave just yet, though." The silent _I hope not_ is written all over his face.

"They didn't trust Zeke at first either. But Uriah told them that he was only a spy, and Shauna insisted on it, so they let him come back. Uriah wants to hold a 'Hey, you're not a dirty traitor!' party over that, but we have been waiting for you." We a laugh a little at that.

"Four came back the next day, late morning," Will takes up the tale. I do a silent calculation in my head to realize that this means that he reached only around half an hour, at most, after the time I should have reached. "He asked around for you. He was acting a little strange. But you had not come back, and we told him so."

"He looked so scared, Tris," Christina says. "I'd never saw I would see him like that – he turned very pale, and abruptly left. He returned after several hours, with you in his arms… oh God, Tris, you looked terrible!" She shudders. "You were unconscious, there was blood all over your face and legs and arms, and scratches and cuts everywhere. You were still bleeding from the head… and your leg was stuck out at an odd angle." Horror renders Christin speechless, and Will puts his arm around her as she wipes tears from her eyes.

"Four brought you straight to the infirmary. The nurse said you had been shot in the leg, and had multiple fractures… we didn't even know if you'd wake up," Will says in a haunted tone.

"Four… was in a terrible state all this time," Christina says, composing herself again. "He wouldn't talk to anyone, he didn't eat until Zeke and Shauna forced him to, he never slept all these two days. He spent all his time pacing here near you waiting for you to wake, when the nurse wasn't kicking him out. There wasn't a single time when we visited you that he wasn't here."

Christina's narrative makes the ball of guilt intensify in my stomach. He has done so much for me, only to get this reception when I woke. I owe him an apology, whether or not he ever forgives me.

"Well, it's good that you are awake," Will says with a smile. "I have missed you. We haven't talked over four days."

"I'm sorry it took so long to bring Cara back," I tell him with an apologetic smile. "And we couldn't even give you any news." I look at Christina. "I'm sorry for giving you all that trouble. How's the shoulder?"

"Oh, come on, it's not your fault, Tris," Christina says. "I chose to go. The shoulder's pretty fine, though I can't put any force on it."

"No one blames you, Tris," Will says. "We know you did your best. We were worried about you too."

Will and Christina say their goodbyes and go off to call the nurse. Moments later, Helena enters the room.

"Good to see you awake," she smiles at me through her many piercings. "You had me worried there, and trust me, I have seen plenty of bad things." She closes in and bends over me. "Just let me go over the vitals and check your injuries, okay hon?"

I nod and lie still, counting the number of sore spots as she checks my wounds – lifting the loose gown put over me in places. I lose the count after twenty. The machines around me beep softly as Helena hovers with her clipboard, taking occasional notes.

"What happened to you?" she asks finally. "Nobody could tell me when I asked."

"I fell from a moving train," I say. "I was pushed."

Helena covers her mouth with her hand.

"Goodness," she breathes. "How high were the tracks? Can you tell me where exactly it was?"

"Between factionless and Dauntless," I answer. "I can't tell exactly where, but it was quite close to Dauntless."

Further shock lines Helena's face. "I have to say, child, you were extremely lucky. The fall could be no less than ten feet at any case. You could have died."

I think of Rita's sister, falling from seven stories' height. Yes, I was very, very lucky, about the timing of my fall, and everything else about it.

"How bad are the injuries?" I ask quietly.

"Significantly less, considering what you went through," Helen says, perching herself on the edge of my bed. "You hit your head badly; there was a concussion. Bullet in your left leg – you certainly have a charmed life. Two bullets to your body within the span of a month, and you are still alive and awake. How did it happen this time?"

"There were traitor Dauntless on the train," I say. "They attacked me."

Helena scowls. "The bastards. Anyway, you broke your leg, and there was a hairline crack in your radius. It will heal soon enough if you don't exert yourself. Apart from that, you practically ripped apart your skin on the concrete. I stitched up the larger cuts. The smaller ones will have to heal themselves. There will be too many scars, I am afraid."

I nod, grimacing. Lucky, I may be, but not so lucky.

"When can I leave?"

Helen looks at me carefully. "I would recommend two more days here at least, considering a medic's line of thought, but I know you kids. I couldn't keep you if I tried." She has a motherly, mischievous yet exasperated smile on her face. "You can go off at dinner time. But you'll have to use crutches till your leg fixes itself. Do not use that plastered left hand to lift anything. Oh well, your left shoulder was damaged anyway. Try to use that hand as little as possible. Take care of your head. Don't exert yourself. I'll give you some medicines to keep away the pain, and for nutrition. Are you in pain now?"

"A little," I admit reluctantly. Helena nods, her brow furrowed.

"I'll give you a painkiller now. Rest so that you are fit when you leave." Helena leaves for a few seconds, before offering me a pill.

"And Tris?" she says when I sink back to the pillows. I look at her questioningly. "Be very careful. You survived when you could have died, twice. You may not be so lucky a third time."

I nod, swallowing nervously. It dawns on me then just how lucky I have been so far. I have faced too many near-deaths situations in so short a time in my second life. I am being reckless. This won't do at all; I have a mission of complete, and staying alive, especially for Tobias, is one of my aims. I need to think more, feel less. Helena is right; I have to be very, very careful.

-o0o-

I spend the rest of the time in the infirmary under the haze of the painkiller, thinking of exactly what I should say to Tobias. My mind keeps looping around, finding nothing satisfactory. What can I say that will be enough for him to forgive me? Could I forgive anyone if they had done to me what I did to Tobias? I don't know.

Helena gives me a change of clothes and helps me get adjusted to the crutches at dinnertime.

"You can manage by yourself to the dining hall?" she asks a little uncertainly. "It will be difficult with your hand also injured."

"I'll be okay, thank you," I tell her, smiling. "Thanks for everything you have done for me."

"It's my job, dear," she waves it off. "Good luck."

The dining hall is crowded when I limp in with my crutches. My appearance attracts frequent stares and mutterings among the crowd.

"Tris!" I see Uriah running over to me. "Glad to see you," he says with a smile. "I am so sorry for not visiting after you woke. How are you?" His brown eyes are concerned as he takes in my condition.

"Broken, but fine," I smile a little distractedly. My eyes are searching for Tobias. I see Will and Christina waving at me and near them, Marlene and Lynn; Zeke and Shauna are sitting by themselves at a table, and at another, Harrison, alone, but I can't see Tobias anywhere.

"Hey Uri, do you know where Four is?" I ask finally.

"Four? Uh, I don't know." Uriah frowns. "I don't think I saw him come to dinner at all."

I nod, disappointed and worried. "I'll be back in a while. Say hello to everyone from me, won't you?"

I wander around in the Dauntless hallways for what feels like hours, looking for Tobias, impeded by the crutches. He isn't there in his room, which is locked from the outside; I don't see him in any of the dark corners and lonely routes which I take either. I keep the control room for the last; I will have to take the stairs to get to the elevator, and I am not very confident about that.

I finally take the long route to the net where the initiates land, more out of desperation than real purpose. The moonlight falls through the hole in a dim glow, illuminating the net like it's made of silver. There is someone stretched out in the center, their hands behind their head. As I move closer, there is no doubt that the person is Tobias. Gulping, I slowly make my way towards him, trying to make as little noise as possible with my crutches, for reasons I don't even know.

I take a deep breath when I am very near the net.

"Tobias," I call softly.

He sits up slowly, his movements fluid, not jerky with surprise, and looks at me.

"Tris," he says quietly. For a long moment there is silence and I am afraid he will send me away, but then he silently extends his hands to me. Shakily, I offer him my crutches, which he puts down on the net, supporting me with one hand, and then he grabs me below my armpits, lifting me onto the net the way he had helped me down on my first day. He puts me down on the net gently, and I ease my legs out so that I can sit properly. Looking at him, another wave of apprehension runs through me, and I no longer remember anything that I had planned to say.

"I am sorry," I say softly. His face betrays nothing.

"Okay," he says, and nothing more. I take that as permission to continue. My heart is pounding in my chest.

"I – I shouldn't have done any of the things that – all of it that I said and did. I was so wrong all of the time. I am so sorry for not trusting you. I should have. I overheard Evelyn talking to you at night, and the matter-of-fact way in which she spoke of my secret made me jump to the conclusion that it was you who told her. I know just how manipulative Evelyn can be, and I was – I was afraid that my story was so fantastical that you would choose to believe her over me." I remember how Tobias hand not said anything to oppose what Evelyn had said in the end; that had been the end of all my hopes. It occurs me for the first time now that there is a possibility that Tobias did say something to her after I left, that it was not the end of the conversation that I had heard.

Tobias sighs. "I understand, Tris. But it hurt… it hurt to know that you did not trust me enough, and you jumped to that conclusion without even talking to me." His face holds no anger, only tiredness.

"I know," I say, trying to keep my emotions in check. "It was really wrong of me, I am sorry. I –"

"You know what?" Tobias' voice is quiet but clear. "We've had enough of misunderstandings and secrets. I think it's time we told everything to each other. We both made mistakes. I am sorry for what I did too. If I had run after you, if I hadn't turned away so soon, you wouldn't have gotten hurt." The pained look comes into his eyes as they move up and down over my body.

"It wasn't your fault, really," I say. "But you're right, we should come clean."

I tell him about our friends' decision to leave, and how I had made my decision when we saw him talking to Evelyn. I tell him about how I woke up at night and what I heard. Tobias looks grim by the time I had finished.

"Evelyn wanted to talk to me in the evening," he says. "I guess she was trying to persuade me to join her yet again. I told her I did not want anything to do with her. Then she said that she knew your secret, and unless I wanted it to get out, I should talk to her after everyone was asleep."

I bite my lip, hating myself even more. "I am so sorry. I should have been more careful about what I said. Why didn't you tell me?"

"She told me not to tell anyone. Moreover, I did not want to cause you worry by telling you that Evelyn knew. I was confident that she wouldn't tell anyone if I did as she said. Why didn't you tell about what you heard?"

"I didn't want to tell you that I had eavesdropped; what I did was wrong. I did not know how to approach the topic. Then in the morning, I met Evelyn. The way she talked seemed to make it even more apparent that you had told her about me, that you were on her side." I sigh.

"She has been manipulating both of us all this while," Tobias growls. "She has been using our weaknesses to use us to her ends; she wanted us to argue. Why?"

I know exactly why, as I remember what she said to me about her being permanent in his life, and I am temporary. She is possessive over Tobias, and jealous and hateful towards me because he cares for me. But I don't want to hurt Tobias any more, so I keep quiet. My silence seems to tell Tobias that I have no more idea than him, so he drops the subject.

"What happened with Edward?" he asks next, a scowl on his face.

"Nothing," I say a little defensively. "Edward is indebted to me because I saved him from Peter. I decided to use that and asked him to keep a watch on Evelyn and inform us if she makes a move. I wanted somewhere where no one would hear us, and that was that only place we could find."

Tobias nods. "That is a good idea. I am sorry about blowing up on you then. But you must see how it looked like to me. No, I didn't think you were cheating on me," he says quickly when I open my mouth indignantly. "But you wouldn't talk to me at all, and then I find you, sitting so close to Edward… I was just – angry. There's no valid reason for it, but I was."

I sigh. "It's okay. I know it wasn't the best place to be."

"What happened in the train – you got in the train, right?" Tobias asks, his jaw tight with anxiety. "Helena said there was a bullet in your left leg."

I look down, shuddering as I remember the incident. It is something I will forget anytime soon. I blindly killed three people. I caused the death of a boy barely older than myself. Haltingly, I tell Tobias everything that happened after I left him, more clearly than I had told anyone else – about Eric, the soldiers, how I got shot and shot everyone, how I pushed the young man off the train, Eric's threatening me, and finally, my fall. When I finish, Tobias' hands are clenched around the fibers of the net, his knuckles white.

"I only wish that you had killed Eric," he says in a voice shaking with anger. "That – that –" He takes a deep breath. "I let you go because I was proud, and angry, and stubborn… I convinced myself that you would be fine and safer in Dauntless anyway. But I realized what a grave mistake it was soon enough; I had left you open to any form of danger, right after your trial with Jeanine too… I regretted my decision immediately. I left right away, but when I reached Dauntless, they told me that you – that you had never come back." His voice is hollow and broken.

"I retraced the train tracks towards factionless, guessing that you would take a train to leave as fast as possible. And then… oh God, Tris…" he swallows, bowing his head; his dark hair black in the dim light. My heart clenches; the pain that he feels seems infectious and almost physical. I carefully shift towards him, the net dipping under our combined weight, and tentatively touch his chin. He looks up at me hesitatingly; his dark eyes, with that little patch of light blue in his right iris, are wide and pained, almost like a child's after a traumatizing experience. I am scared of overstepping boundaries by moving any closer to him, but he makes the decision for me when he pulls me closer, holding my hand. His hand is rough and warm; it feels like safety. He lowers his head against till our foreheads and noses touch.

"Seeing you lying in a crumpled heap in the tracks," he breathes against my cheek, "with all that blood… not moving… I was so scared that I had lost you forever. And it was my fault… I had let you go. I had not been there. I had failed you, again…" he sighs, his breath staggering again my skin.

"It wasn't your fault," I whisper, something inducing us to keep this hush. "It was never your fault." I cup his cheeks with my hands. "I am sorry, Tobias. I am so, sorry. I didn't mean all the things I said to you. None of it."

His breath flutters against my lips as he closes in even further and kisses me. This kiss is nothing like the previous kisses we've had; this is soft, slow, gentle, as if he is afraid of breaking me with a single touch. My heart swells so much that I am afraid it will burst.

"Please don't do this to me ever again, Tris," he whispers. "Please. I love you."

The words send so much shock through me that I jerk back from him, and would have topple over on the net had Tobias not caught and held me. I frown at him, sure that I heard him wrong. "Wh-what?"

A half-smile lifts his lips. "I love you," he says.

My breathing comes in short gasps. "S-say it again."

He smiles fully this time, and his eyes brighten and his teeth gleam in the dark and his hair tickles his forehead, making him look younger and softer; he is so beautiful that it makes my heart ache.

"Tris," he says softly, but distinctly, "I love you."

I let out a long breath. My vision suddenly wobbles, and I realize that it's because of tears.

"I – I love you too," I say, and smile till my jaw aches. "And I – this will never happen again."

He smiles, but there is lingering pain in his eyes. "It had better not," he says a little sternly, but with a wobbly smile. "I missed you."

I smile, shifting closer. "Me too."

Faint moonlight gleams on the net as we lean back to lie down on the net, Tobias careful so that I don't get hurt anywhere as I move. Our lips touch frequently, and our hands lie joined. The stars shine dimly above us, and beside me, Tobias smiles, looking completely relaxed after a long time, absentmindedly playing with a long of his hair. I smile to myself as a sense of contentment steals through me.

We are nowhere near safety; dangers lie everywhere around us. For all we know, our world might end the very next. But for now, despite everything… it's okay.

* * *

 **This chapter was very satisfying for me to write. I hope you all enjoyed it too! Thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing my story, and favoriting and following it. I got crazy response for the last chapter... yeah, I'm just evil that way ;) I'm glad you are enjoying the story though. Thanks for sticking around. Also, congrats to the guest for correctly guessing that Tobias did not actually give away Tris' secret, and that Evelyn overheard them!**

 **Until next time, and a very Merry Christmas to all of you! Enjoy a lot, love you!**


	31. Interlude and transitions

**Okay, an incredibly long wait, a shorter chapter than anything I have written in a while. I'm very, very sorry. But I have had a terrible writer's block, and this Valentine's Day there was this enormous trend of 'Love is a lie' going around, which made it even more difficult to get into the right vibe. I am very sorry. Hope you will enjoy this chapter, however short it is.**

* * *

Sitting with Tobias, just the two of us, knowing that he loves me, with only peace and contentment for company, is better than anything that has happened to me of late. I feel like could I stay like this forever. But I know that this cannot be, even if we both want it. The world waits for our action. Sighing, I sit up. Tobias does too. I imagine I see regret in his eyes.

"We need to get going," he echoes my unspoken decision. I nod.

"Our friends will wonder where we went."

Tobias helps me down from the net. I support myself by leaning against him while he hands me my crutches. Holding them to stand makes me acutely aware of my insufficiency once again.

As we walk towards the Pit, moving way more slowly than normal because of me, Tobias asks for the details about the Erudite soldiers. His eyes are alert and stern; the leader's role shining in the quick, curt questions that he asks me.

"So it was not to kidnap you that they were going to Dauntless?" he asks, his brow furrowed, when I tell him of how Eric revealed his intention of spying on the Dauntless. "I would imagine that would be Jeanine's top priority."

"I think it was to serve a dual purpose," I say. "Jeanine doesn't know what the Dauntless are doing or planning since we blocked out the cameras. Also, they would be able to keep an eye on me or any other Divergent and kidnap them when possible."

Tobias nods grimly. "Do you think Jeanine can make the serum that works for the Divergent too, with the information she has got?"

"I'm not sure," I admit shamefacedly. "She did not complete the tests on me, because she hadn't announced a date for my execution." Tobias flinches. "Last time," I jog my memory back to what Tobias had told me before the Factionless-Dauntless uprising, "I had been told that it would take Jeanine approximately two weeks to get the serum done. She has done the MRI this time too; she knows biologically what makes me special. But I was there for fewer days this time, so the data collected should be less."

Tobias nods, his hand grazing my shoulder gently. We walk on in silence.

"We need to do something," Tobias says as we enter the Pit. "We have been idle too long."

I nod a little uncertainly; the 'something' is where it is easiest to go wrong.

However, before we can do anything, Uriah spots us, and we are pulled into the much awaited 'Hey you're not a dirty traitor!' party for Zeke.

"Okay, that is enough," Tobias says after there has been much gulping of Dauntless cake and some alcohol, and a lot of talk; I let myself enjoy these light moments, the sense of weightlessness, while it lasts. "There is something I need to talk about."

He pulls me a little away from the crowd. "I think you should go to bed now," he murmurs. "You shouldn't exert yourself."

I frown a little. "I am fine. What do you need to talk about?"

Tobias gazes into the distance. "I need to increase the guard," he says. "I think a new shift should start from tonight."

I nod. "That is good. I'll stay."

Tobias sighs. "Did Helena not tell you to rest as much as possible? I want you to get better as fast as possible."

"I – I will." I know Tobias doesn't mean any harm, but his words make me acutely aware of just how big a liability I am to the faction, to him and to myself. This is not who I wanted to be. I feel something deflate inside me.

"I will go," I say, fighting the sudden surge of hatred I feel towards my damaged leg, fighting the sudden urge to throw away my crutches. How long will it take me to heal? How long will I be dependent on others? "Can I have the keys to your apartment? I –" Staying with Tobias has become such a habit, I can't imagine staying anywhere else, though we can all have our own apartments now that we are fully qualified members of Dauntless. But it is the only place in the world that still feels like home.

Tobias seems to notice the change in my demeanor as he fishes out the keys to his apartment. His clear blue eyes search my face.

"Tris," he says, "Are you okay?"

I manage to pull up a feeble smile. "I am fine. Tell Harrison that I second your decision."

He doesn't seem satisfied, but lets me go, planting a quick kiss on my lips.

The halls are dark and empty as I exit the Pit after pausing to talk to the people I know. In the distance, I can hear Tobias' voice booming across the Pit as he addresses the crowd. I trudge along, my head down. He can make a good leader when there aren't people trying to manipulate him.

I let myself into Tobias' apartment, shutting the door behind me as I toe my shoes in a corner. I don't bother switching on the lights – the darkness seems apt and comforting. The graffiti on Tobias' wall shows dimly in the dark. I stumble over to the bed, placing my crutches on the side. One of Tobias' sweatshirts is neatly folded on the bed; I grab it and bury my face against the soft material. It smells of him, of reassurance and safety and discipline. I focus on breathing as I sit still, my legs stretched out before me. Despite everything, a sense of defeat seems to loom over me, threatening to crush me. I have no idea where we are headed; having prior knowledge of how things might go only seems to confuse me further. I fold my arms over my chest and lean back against the headboard. _Think,_ I tell myself. _What will Jeanine do?_

On her side, Jeanine already has a serum for controlling normal people, and she may very well be on the way of perfecting one to control the Divergent as well. However, that the cameras at Dauntless don't work combined with the fact that no one here has yet been administered with the multiple-simulation serum makes it impossible for her to control us, yet. The only way they can do so is through a full-frontal attack. But it is all too evident that we don't have much time. The Erudite spying on us is not a good sign; if even one of them manage to sneak in, it can mean disaster to us. Whatever action we take, we have to do it fast.

The complications seem to be far too many to me as I think of where we stand now, too many loose strands for us to tie. On one hand we have Jeanine, and with the government still running, I don't think will be legal (let alone wise) to storm Erudite. Our rulebooks command peace between the factions. But the longer we let Jeanine have her way and hide away, the heavier her threat looms over her. I need to talk to Tobias about this.

I feel betrayed at how the Abnegation government has done nothing to punish Jeanine other than revoking her position of authority in the government. It was an attack which would potentially have destroyed their entire faction. This inaction, this thought that it would stop Jeanine from going ahead with her plans – the Abnegation might call it forgiveness, or opportunity, but I call it stupidity.

I take a moment to realize that I have not thought of Abnegation as _my_ faction in a while – I don't know if I am Dauntless, but I have ceased to be Abnegation, if I ever was.

We also have to deal with the problem of Evelyn and the factionless. I am almost sure that Evelyn will not make an open move until Jeanine falls, and she does not have the support of Dauntless this time. Nevertheless, I hate how easily she almost broke Tobias and me apart. Evelyn Johnson is not one bit less manipulative than her husband, if not more; I should remember that. I just hope that I have convinced Edward enough to have him give news of any move she makes.

The final threat is something I have not been able to put any thought towards since the Erudite attack – David. I have no idea how much he has seen of me from the Bureau, and how much he has found out about me. I could not stay back with the fear of him finding about me and watch everything get destroyed. A chill runs down my spine; David is the ultimate puppeteer. If he wants, he can kill us all; if he wants, he can make us forget everything we know. He can take me away, and no one will even remember that I ever existed. I let out a shuddering breath. What is he thinking? What is he planning?

I let my head fall to my hands and draw myself closer, as small as I can make myself with my plaster-cast leg. Heavy disappointment sets upon me. I know have not lost much compared to last time – m parents are still alive, as well as my friends – all at the cost of only my brother (I force the _only_ into my thoughts, because it hurts, it hurts a lot when I think of Caleb). But I don't want everything to rest on me, knowing that if anything goes wrong, it will be my fault. I just want everything to become normal. Does that make me a coward? Perhaps it does, but I can't help this fear, like I used to hide under my blankets whenever there was a thunderstorm in my childhood. The fear is powerful. It refuses to let go.

It is to the sound of the door closing softly that I look up. Tobias' feet make no sound as he walks slowly towards me, in silence. His figure is a silhouette of darker black in the darkness, and I only know it's him because I have his form memorized. I feel the mattress dips slightly as he sits down next to me on the bed. His fingers reach out and brush against my cheek. I close my eyes to savor the sensation, though there is nothing that I am shutting out in the darkness.

"Why did you not switch on the lights?" his low rumbling voice comes softly to my ears.

"I liked the darkness." I am surprised at how shaky my voice sounds. The despair from my assessment of the current situation, along with the sense of my own inadequacy especially now that Tobias is here, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Tris," I feel him shift deeper into the bed so that he is right next to me, "Please let me in. What is wrong?"

I don't answer his question. "Did you set up the guard?"

His sigh brushes against my cheek. "I did. Harrison agreed that we need to strengthen our guard when I told him about Eric spying on us. The Dauntless want something to do anyway; they are getting restless from staying in one place doing nothing. The regular guard now has four people at each entrance, and we have assembled a group of six who will patrol around the borders, keeping a lookout. They will be changing shifts every six hours. Christina, Will and Uriah are among the first in the lookout group tonight."

I nod, then mumble an acknowledgement when I realize that he probably can't see me well. "What about the Fence? And the school?"

Tobias sounds a little surprised. "What about them?"

"Are the Dauntless still patrolling the fence? And the school… is it running?"

"None of the Dauntless still loyal to their faction have left the compound after the attack," Tobias says thoughtfully. "I think the traitor Dauntless must be patrolling the borders; Jeanine can't let the possibility of anyone going past the Fence exist, when she has tried so hard to stop the Abnegation from releasing the video. As for the school, I think it's off. The Abnegation are scared; only the adults get out to go to work in the government and charity work for the factionless. Dauntless is split and Erudite an outcast. I don't think we can pretend things are normal; not now."

"Okay," I say. It's good to get news of how everything is going; last time, things moved so fast, I was so broken, I didn't even think of finding out. I think of Christina, Will and Uriah out there, scouting. I wish I could have gone with them. But I can't. I can't go anywhere. Melancholy settles heavily on me again.

The silence between us is long. I don't know what to say, I don't know if I can answer, and yet I want Tobias to say something, anything to distract me from this darkness inside me.

Finally, Tobias shifts further away, and the pillows bounce a little as his head hits them. I stay where I am for a moment, then slow move so that I am lying next to him. Tobias turns on his side to look at me.

"Tris," he says, very quietly. "what happened?"

I turn to look at him. I don't know what I can say to him. That I feel weak, useless, like an invalid? That I don't know what I am doing, that I have no idea how to fix everything? What will he say to me then? What will he think of me?

"Tobias," I say, but I don't know what I will say, what I should say. It all gets lost in my head. Instead, I press my lips to his, in the hopes of forgetting everything else. He struggles for the fraction of a second, his lips unyielding, but then as I press myself closer to him, he surrenders with a sigh, letting me mold his lips with mine. His hand brushes against my cheek, then trailing down my jawline and my neck. He touches my shoulder, my waist, moving to the small of my back, pushing me against him gently, as I brush my tongue against his lips. His warm breath sighs into my mouth, and I want to lose myself, go closer and closer, become one with him. Desire runs through my body like liquid flame. I _want_ him.

But then the image comes out of nowhere – another night, a night just like this, Tobias's hand splayed against my skin as my shirt rides up, but everything a distraction, simply a distraction, and Will…

With a gasp, I pull myself away from Tobias. I can't do this. I can't use him as a distraction again. I have made enough mistakes, and repeated far too many. Tobias deserves to be trusted.

"N-no," I gasp, shying away from him abruptly. Tobias peers at me in the dark, hurt and confusion in his dark eyes.

"I –" I wet my chapped lips with my tongue.

"Tell me," he says simply.

I do. I tell him about all my insecurities, all the worries that I have, all the problems that we have ahead. When I finish, he is quiet. My heart is the loudest thing in the room.

Finally, his hand clasps my wrist. "You're an idiot, Tris," he says, and his blue eyes are unamused in the shadows. "You are an idiot if you think this little of yourself. How can I ever think that you are weak?" His mouth descends on mine for a brief moment. "You are the strongest woman I have ever known," he whispers, and his tone is so sincere that I bite my lip to stop tears from falling.

"But – Abnegation –"

His finger touches my lip. "I will tell you everything in the morning. I am planning to visit the Hub to meet with the council leaders. Everyone is pretending that things are normal; we need to get something done."

"I'll go with you," I say before I can hesitate. I'll have to deal with my father anyway; I have no idea how long I will be able to keep them from releasing the video. But if there's one thing that I know, if it is not done in the correct circumstance and time, it will cause mass hysteria. And that too over an incomplete truth. Release of this information needs to take place keeping everything in control – David's intentions, Jeanine's plans, Evelyn's ambitions, everything.

There is a long second of silence, and I think Tobias will refuse, just like he had a few hours ago, but then he says, "Okay."

It takes me a moment for me to realize that he actually agreed. A bubble of joy and gratitude rises in my chest; I kiss him. I kiss him so hard it hurts; I no longer feel the hold back any longer. Just as I have always insisted on his worth, he has always insisted on my strength insisted that I am stronger than I believe. And this is what it does – this is what love does, it makes you more than you are.

I clench his shirt in my fists, pulling him impossibly close to him, his name leaving my lips into his mouth in a sigh. Tobias curls his fingers in my hair, tangling and untangling the strands of my hair gently. My entire body trembles with the current of desire, of love, that flows through me.

I know that I have been through this, but it feels new, completely new, this pulse of desire mingling with nervousness, the undercurrent of terror beneath it all. But it feels equally enthralling. I forget that he is another person, because he feels a part of me, or I a part of his, just as important as a hand or an eye. My hands shake once again as I attempt to pull his shirt over his body; he shifts and does so himself, allowing me to trail my hands over his tanned, sculpted, lean but muscled. I try to be slow and gentle, but my fingers are in a frenzy of trembling as I trace the tattoos on his back so familiar to me now. I feel him shiver under my touch.

His touch is nervous and gentle, but still sure, as he makes me sit up and lets the jacket slide off my shoulder, and then reaches down to the hem of my shirt, and then I am pulling it over my head, and then… everything falls apart. I pull back.

It's not because I remember once more that I am small and pale and flat-chested and he is like a god sitting in front of me, an image of perfection; I have never managed to be proud of my body, but after my first night with Tobias I have come to accept it. I have forced myself to believe that I belong, that we are perfect together, that he is the whetstone to my dagger, and it's with him that I become sharper and better. I could deal with that now, perhaps. But with my shirt off, I see the zigzag of scars all over my body, pale white and clear in the dark – the gun wounds, the plethora of cuts and bruises, everywhere, my hurt shoulder, my bandaged hand, my broken leg. Everything is wrong with me, everything that could be. I am broken. Tobias doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this small, damaged creature for his first time. Not ever. My arms automatically move to cover my chest. I meet his eyes with difficulty.

He is looking at me, not with criticism, not with dismay and disappointment, or not as if he expects an explanation, but as if I am the only thing worth looking in the whole room.

But looking at him only makes me feel worse. His tanned skin, even the black ink curling around his neck – everything about him is perfect. Once, we were, perhaps equal, even without having clothes on, but certainly not now. I have felt a constant sense of insufficiency ever since I got my wounds tended to, and now… If only I hadn't been so reckless… I look away, feeling ashamed and tainted. A tear rolls down my cheek.

He grips me gently by the chin and forcing me to turn.

"Tris," Tobias sounds breathless, his pupils blown. "Tris, please listen to me. I don't want to force you to anything, but you – you're –"

He slowly lowers his mouth to my skin, first to my jaw, then to my neck, then lower, lower, lower, kissing every single scar and bruise on my body with so much tenderness as if he were worshipping them. My breath hitches with every touch of his warm lips against my skin, until I am shuddering and gasping, electricity coursing through me. Finally, he pauses at my belly and looks at me piercingly as if he is sending his gaze straight into my soul.

"You're beautiful," he whispers against my skin. And at that moment, I believe him. His tone is so honest, anyone could.

I place my hands on his cheeks and pull him towards me so our mouths are hovering a centimeter from each other. I bite my lip.

"Have you locked the door?" I whisper. His eyes twinkle with mischief and the corner of his mouth quirks up.

"You know I always do," he whispers back.

"Good," I giggle. "I love you." And then I crash my mouth to his. Tobias smiles against my mouth as our breaths hitch.

There is nothing that I have wanted more in my whole life.


	32. Not an Update

**Hey people. It's been so many months, and I'm terribly sorry. But I am even more so for the news I carry. As you can guess, this not an update. I'm afraid I have to discontinue this story, this and Puzzle Pieces both. I'm actually moving away from fanfiction as a whole, writing it, that is, and there are many reasons...family problems, education, and others. I really had dreams of finishing both of these stories, particularly Puzzle Pieces, since I enjoy writing from Tobias' point of view so much. But, I'm afraid it's no longer possible for me.**

 **I should have let you all know all those months ago, instead of hanging around, but I swear I have been trying so hard to get the next chapter of The Return down, but...I just couldn't. I am so, so sorry.**

 **I have decided to put this story, and Puzzle Pieces too, up for adoption, since the readers deserve to see it finished (something which I as a reader totally understand, and regret not being able to accomplish as a writer). If anyone here is interested to continue the story, PM me, and I will let you know the basic idea which I planned to work on, and then, of course, you are free to take it as you wish. It is true that I won't browse around much here anymore, if at all, but I will get email alerts, and respond as soon as possible.**

 **Lastly, thank you so much to all of the readers who have read this story during its discontinued phase and favourited, followed and reviewed...it broke my heart to be unable to keep your requests. And of course to each and every one of my other readers, who have responded, suggested and helped me through thick and thin; I love you all. I am very, very sorry.**

 **Goodbye. Much love,**

 **Love the Brightest Star.**


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